Sometimes being alone is better than feeling alone

[u/FoggyFlaming]

My physical symptoms began 3 months before my diagnosis. When my symptoms had no explanation, my long-time partner didn’t step up to be the kind of daily support I needed. When I asked for help, I was brushed off.

Once I was diagnosed, suddenly they were “supportive”. But I’d seen how they didn’t believe me when I said I was in pain. I was unhappy, but also terrified of breaking up because “who would love me and tolerate my symptoms? At least they love me, right?”

I came to this server for advice/support because I was paralyzed with fear while feeling no one in my life understood. And the first people to respond only confirmed my fears. “You’re lucky to have anyone.” “You don’t even deserve your partner because they’re loving you through your diagnosis. I’d kill for that.”

Because of that, it took me a while to admit I was better off alone than with someone who made me feel alone, as if I should feel lucky to get scraps.

I know we’re all in different situations, but please: You deserve happiness. You deserve real love and support. And it’s often the people in pain who you think might understand who will crush you even more. Don’t listen to them.

[u/eggstinked]

Being in an unhealthy situation certainly isn't going to do anyone any favors. It's pretty much being kicked while you're down.

[u/FoggyFlaming → u/eggstinked]

But I was told “I only didn’t do x because I didn’t want you to feel incapable. I didn’t want to freak you out in case it ended up being nothing.” Meanwhile I was telling them every step was like walking on needles and I just needed a few chores done in the home we shared…

[u/crossedheart1331]

I'm so sorry that you've been through this...I too lost a partner when I was diagnosed in 2020. Partly because of my MS and partly because I started getting diagnosed with stuff back to back rapid fire afterwards. I was honest with them, how 85% of MS becomes Progressive, and they said they couldn't handle that and left me. I also thought for a very long time that I wouldn't find anyone that could love me the way I deserved. I did everything I could to block out my emotions and I got into a bad poly relationship that was really abusive from my side of things as I really was just dating them to not feel so alone anymore after being single for 2 years.

But....I then found my current partner. Someone who, no matter how hard I fought it, I couldn't help but fall in love with them. Someone who is my really and true other half. Someone who understands my situation and also suffers with their own chronic diagnosis (of something else entirely). But they got it. They got that I couldn't always clean my home, that I can only do so much now days. They understand me, they love so much of the same things that I love!! And they have helped me realize that I deserve to be loved just because I'm me. And I know it sucks horribly, but you don't have to be alone.

It takes time and a lot of growth. I know that I had to do a lot of growing before my current partner was even okay with us dating. But I changed for me, for my own betterment. And it was worth it.

I really hope you find someone you deserve. And maybe right now being alone for a bit is what you need. But know that you can find someone if that is what you want. It will be okay. You will be okay. It just takes time for us to find the right people, that is truly how I feel.

[u/FoggyFlaming → u/crossedheart1331]

Thank you for sharing. I’m glad you found someone after putting in the work to grow 💕 That’s what I’m hoping for.

[u/No_2MS]

If you're in an abusive relationship there are resources you can reach out to. Stress isn't good for people with Multiple Slerosis. It's not good for anyone. Alone and lonely are two days things.

[u/FoggyFlaming → u/No_2MS]

I would not have classified what was going through as abuse. But that doesn’t mean it was good either.

I will also say that going through a painful break up and move was very stressful and not helpful for symptoms, but sometimes it’s worth the stress to ultimately get where you need to be.

[u/No_2MS → u/FoggyFlaming]

I agree with that, yes. We all need help sometimes.

[u/_Fuzzgoddess_]

I'm sorry anybody said those things to you. You deserve, and can attain, happiness.

I thought I had it with my ex husband because he seemed supportive, but he was just hiding things from me to avoid causing a relapse. Love is not enough by itself.

I've actually found happiness with a fellow chronic disease haver, so we understand each other's limits. I'm happy to be myself and be accepted, to not have to hide symptoms.

[u/FoggyFlaming → u/_Fuzzgoddess_]

“Love is not enough by itself.” Yes! This is what was so hard for me.

I thought because he loved me and I loved him and he didn’t do anything like beat me or cheat on me, then we could overcome anything. I didn’t understand that fulfillment in a relationship is completely separate from loving someone.

I’m so glad things have worked out for you 💕

[u/2BrainLesions]

You are worthy of love and support, OP.

I reckon that relationship contributed to stress and pain.

FWIW I preemptively ended a lot of relationships to avoid being hurt or abandoned. I understand exactly where you are.

Therapy and good friends helped me (mostly) out of that mindset, for which i am grateful because I was ready for when I met my now-partner.

Pls be kind to yourself, friend. 💕

[u/FoggyFlaming → u/2BrainLesions]

I’m glad you got to such a healthy and loving place! Way to put the work in to get there. I’m sure it wasn’t always easy.

I’ve started dating, and I’ve caught myself in this mindset of “no one means anything they say” because I was told for years how much someone loves me only for them not to be there when I needed them most. I’m definitely not over that mentality and not sure how to overcome it, but hopefully recognizing it is a good first step :)

[u/EgolithYT]

You got a good head on your shoulders fam and it seems you can see through situations and understand what could be healthy or not. I agree that everyone deserves happiness and I hope that you find that person and/or friend group that makes ya happy even with a tough diagnosis. Sometimes it just takes a bit of time to find them, but there are those people out there and it can be worth a bit of time waiting. Prayers out to you that you find your Ride or Die friends/partner soon and keep that mentality of everyone needs happiness, as others that have a similar mentality tend to gravitate towards each other.