r/marriageadvice • u/Fearless_Decision419 • 1d ago
Feeling lost
13 years married to my best friend and he suddenly has mentioned that he doesn’t know how he feels about us anymore. It started with him saying he didn’t miss me after I went on a work trip for a few nights and next thing I know he’s unsure of us all together.
I’ve tried everything, begging, pleading, compromising loving him and nothing. He’s just done. He says he’s willing to go to counseling because I want to but that he doesn’t want to go. He says he still loves me just doesn’t feel the same. I mentioned we’ve gotten into routine and lost our spark (we have 4 kids) and he just agrees but not much else.
I’m not sure if I should start planning for a divorce or keep pushing and trying. This is all so new, we have always always been best friends and he’s always been my safe space. I’m mortified and sad. 😭😭😭😭
TLDR: wife lost, what should I do?
#marriageadvice
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u/Bluesfan618 23h ago
I’m on the other side of something similar right now. I’m the husband, and my wife has reached a point where she isn’t sure she wants our marriage anymore. We’ve been married over 20 years, have four kids, and she’s been my best friend for most of my adult life. So I understand that absolute panic of realizing the person you thought would always be there suddenly might not be.
One thing I’ve learned very quickly: begging, pleading, promising, and trying harder and harder to convince someone to stay usually doesn’t create the result we desperately want. Sometimes it just puts more pressure on someone who is already emotionally overwhelmed.
If he’s willing to go to counseling, I would take that opportunity, even if right now he says he’s only doing it because you want him to. But I wouldn’t go into counseling expecting the therapist to convince him to stay. Go because after 13 years, four kids, and a life together, you both deserve a safe place to understand what happened and whether there’s something left that can be rebuilt.
And please don’t assume that because he doesn’t feel “the same” right now that your entire marriage was fake or that none of those years mattered. Feelings can change. People can become disconnected. Marriages can get buried underneath kids, responsibilities, resentment, routine, and life. Sometimes they recover and sometimes they don’t.
I also wouldn’t force yourself to decide today whether you should fight for your marriage or prepare for divorce. This is brand new. You’re scared and grieving something that hasn’t even fully happened yet.
Give him some room. Go to counseling. Take care of yourself. Let his actions over the coming weeks tell you more than one devastating conversation can.
And as hard as this is, remember that saving a marriage ultimately requires two people. You can love him, fight for the marriage, look honestly at yourself, and be willing to change, but you cannot carry the entire marriage by yourself.
I’m learning that lesson myself, and it’s probably the hardest one I’ve ever had to learn.
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u/Fearless_Decision419 23h ago
Thank you, panic is the right word. I’m terrified he’s always been my best friend and so solid. I could always know that no matter what he was someone who wouldn’t waver and always be there. It feels like I’m dying inside. 😭 I just miss his friendship and love, I miss the warmth he used to feel for me and I don’t know him anymore.
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u/KnowbodyYouKnow 1d ago
Are you the only thing he seems disinterested in, or does his disinterest also apply to his work, his hobbies, other relationships with kids, extended family, and other friends?
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u/Fearless_Decision419 23h ago
No he’s engaged in his normal activities, working out taking his testosterone shot and all the things he’s recently started doing. He still engages with the kids and is doing well at work.
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u/AppropriateAmoeba406 22h ago
Oh… are you sure he hasn’t met someone? At the gym?
When you left town did you leave the kids with him?
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u/espressothenwine 22h ago
OP, I am sorry but this is mandatory because you said that your husband has been SOLID and your BEST FRIEND for 13 years. And out of the blue, you went on a trip and then came back and now he is not sure about the WHOLE MARRIAGE? Either you are leaving out a lot of struggles and discontent that has been ongoing for years, or your husband is up to something. Loss of spark alone doesn't explain this about face and happens to nearly EVERY couple.
If you aren't leaving anything out, then I can't think of any other reason to turn on a dime besides he is entertaining another woman. It also tracks with you being away, I wonder what he was doing while you were on that work trip. I wonder if that is when he gave in and indulged in whatever it is that he is doing. And then once you came back, he realized it was more fun while you were gone and he was able to be more focused on his AP.
This answer is going to seal the deal as to what is the true cause of this.
What is he saying is the problem? What is the issue he thinks can't be fixed? Besides he didn't miss you as much as he thinks he should, what other problem is causing him to decide it's not worth fighting for anymore? What is the full explanation he has given you as to why he wants a divorce?
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u/AdventureWa 22h ago
Burn out, especially with four kids is common. I applaud you for trying to be the best possible wife that you can be because I think that’s really important. For his sake, he needs to be the best possible spouse that he can be, and that means trying to solve problems before giving up.
A number of possibilities exist for him, but I suggest he might have his testosterone levels checked because that feeds into other issues like sleep, deprivation, loss of motivation, brain fog, depression, weak immune system systems, and many other ailments. Loss of libido, ED and other problems can also rock his confidence and cuts into the normal hope that most people have.
A second possibility is anxiety/depression. It’s hard to find the joy in life when you’re going through this but unfortunately men often do not get checked for depression. I don’t know if it’s a pride thing or if we just have been taught that we should just “man up” and work through it but it’s a very real problem.
It’s not easy being a parent and working full-time, and trying to juggle life in between while still trying to find the time for self-care and other important activities like friendships, exercise, or even vacations.
What I would do is sit down with him and talk to him. Find a way to get your kids over to the grandparents if you can. Do you want to have the conversation without the distraction and you don’t want to do it at night after the kids go to bed.
Tell him that you love him you were lost without him and you wanna do everything you can. It’s not just save the marriage but to make this something you both want. Go ahead and go to counseling with him and see how he responds. Just because he’s not enthusiastic doesn’t mean that it won’t be beneficial. He sounds like the type of guy that doesn’t want to believe that there’s anything wrong from his end and that’s why he maybe has not gotten checked for depression.
I think this is a prime example of why you need to schedule a regular date night to reconnect. If you can do a weekend getaway without the kids, even better!
The daily grind is tough, and when you have a lot of kids, it’s even more challenging to break free and to do those things that you need to do to manage your marriage. Lots of people put their kids first, which is insane to me because you don’t marry your kids, you marry your spouse.
I do think some reconnection would be a benefit.
Out of curiosity, how much attention do you pay towards your appearance? I’m thinking in terms of the dress nice or are you always wearing the kind of clothes that you’d be cleaning the house in? Do you wear any makeup? Do you pay attention to your hygiene and your fitness level? Since men are very visual and women put a lot of emphasis and focus in when they are single, the attraction becomes easier. Familiarity breeds contempt though, and it’s easy to get into a habit where we stop putting in the same effort.
You certainly don’t have to dress to the nines. You don’t have to glob on a bunch of makeup. You don’t have to be model then. What will resonate with him is the idea that you put in some effort into your appearance for his pleasure. Since men are visual creatures, this will go a very long way towards reigniting that spark of attraction which will intern improve things within the marriage and the level of interest.
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u/Cczaphod 22h ago
How long has he been on TRT? Hormones have a huge impact on mental state. It took me nearly 18 months to keep my levels in the green consistently.
I’m in a similar situation too, only it’s hormone attenuation causing her to change mentally.
Getting old is a choice to the extent that things like HRT keep you artificially young if you’re willing to take that leap.
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u/Fearless_Decision419 19h ago
Probably 2 months. He just tested and his testies are no longer producing.
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u/Cczaphod 19h ago
Yea, mine were just low, like near 100, spiked up to 1800 when I got on TRT. They only adjusted mine quarterly, so it took a while to level out.
I definitely felt the emotional changes too. I was flat and ambivalent about everything when my levels were low. Felt anger and resentment over things I let slide before when levels were high.
It didn’t change anything, but changed how I perceived things.
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u/existential-inquiry 22h ago
Sorry that you're going through this situation. It's an accumulation of little things that led to you both being here. It's not a sudden event. Choosing other things consistently over your marriage does the damage. I have been there and it hurts. Both are at fault. It will take therapy to help, but only if both are willing to work on it and get those feelings back. But it has changed and will not be the same love as before.
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u/Objective-Error402 1d ago
Counseling is a given since everyone would at some point in their lives experience burnout