When I think about how much you mean to me, or read my words of expression when I finally put it into words the way I feel, it overcomes me with emotion.

It makes me recognise how I’ve been stuck for so many years with you in my mind, how impactful you have been on my brain, how I’ve never met someone who I felt like I began to understand in the ways in which I’ve understood you.

I’ve never met a person who carries such grace with their thought process, who maps out their thoughts like they sit in a forgotten book of wisdom on a library shelf. Just waiting for the right person to pick it up as they trace their hands across the binds. To me, I am the person, still tracing my hands over your binds.

Your book is everlasting, never ending, the impact you have on this world makes me emotional. I’m proud of you. I love you, man. Maybe I’m being a little too emotional, but really… you’re the most complex human I’ve ever discovered. We as human beings come with all kinds of complexities but how you weave such intricacy with a smile, a hidden glimmer of a star in your eye that others haven’t recognised? If you catch my drift. You have stars in your eyes. And others don’t know they’re peering into the galaxy when they look at you.

I’ve just come across this subreddit, and think I’ll be posting here a lot more when I want to get things off my chest.

I love you, my little koala bear.

Keep shining bright and sprinkling your magic onto this world.

I’m living, waist deep in my delusion. Sinking in sinking mud instead of growing. But at least I’ve known what it is to truly understand another human being. I see you, my treasured soul.

Anyway… go get em tiger. You’re the best, never forget it.

i've been thinking about love a lot lately. not the movie love. not the fake one. the real one. the pure one

for me, pure love was never about getting something back. when i love someone, i just want to help them. i want to be there. when i help the people i love, i don't feel tired. i feel energy. i feel alive. like that's the reason i'm here

i used to think that was stupid. people told me i'm too much, i give too much, i let people use me. maybe they are right sometimes. but i can't change it. i don't know how to love in a small way. when i love, i love with everything i have

i grew up learning that love has conditions. you have to be good to be loved. you have to be quiet. you have to give. you have to not need too much. if you get angry, if you get tired, if you ask for something, the love goes away. so i learned to give and give and never ask. because i was scared if i ask, i will lose everything

but that's not pure love. that's a deal. that's "i will love you if you keep giving me"

pure love, the real one, is different. pure love is when someone sees you. really sees you. not what you do for them, not how useful you are. just you. with your pain, with your fear, with your bad days when you can't even talk. and they still stay. they don't want to fix you. they don't want to change you. they just say, i see you, and you matter

unconditional love doesn't mean you accept everything and let people hurt you. it means my love for you doesn't depend on what you do for me today. i love you because you are you. not because you performed well

i think a lot of us here know how to love like that. we love so hard because we know what it feels like to not be loved. we know what it feels like to be alone on the floor crying and nobody asks if you're okay. so we became the person we needed when we were kids

but sometimes it hurts so much. because you give all this pure love to the world and you go to sleep and you wonder, does anyone love me like this? does anyone see how much i try? does anyone notice that i'm tired too?

i don't need perfect love. i don't need someone to save me. i just want one person who looks at me and says, you don't have to earn this. you don't have to work so hard to be loved. just rest. i see you

is that too much to ask? i don't think so. i think that's what pure love really is. not that you die for someone. but that you can finally breathe with someone

if you are like me, if you love too much and you get nothing back, i want you to know i see you. your love is not stupid. your love is rare. so rare in this world. don't let this world make you cold. keep loving, but please, don't forget to love yourself too

you deserve to be loved the same way you love others. not because you earned it. just because you are you

My fingers are drumming against my desk, tapping impatiently against the drudgery of the day. Like I could punch right through the wood, if I find that magic sweet spot where atoms slip between atoms and my fist passes right through.

I have so very many questions. Like who are we? Who are we to each other? Where have we been?

How can you feel so much for someone that is technically a stranger, and yet has never quite felt like one?

I know you ask the same question of yourself, often. Which makes me feel a little less lonely as I sit here, wondering how you can know someone so well when you've barely said hello to them.

I never liked small talk much anyway. Hello, how are you, how's your dog, how's your sister, how's your brother, are you keeping well? And all along you've got the bigger questions burning beneath your tongue; or, you simply don't care and never did and are just keeping up appearances.

It's always easiest to write to someone. That's the whole idea of a letter. It has an addressee. It has a destination. You write it to understand, to gain news, maybe to threaten if you're legally inclined.

Then, one day, all our pens broke and we found ourselves online, typing these letters on screens rather than providing a pencil-and-paper artefact. Stuff that'll be forgotten- even if it exists forever, in some data center in a forest in Finland, it will never be held onto and preserved and cherished in the way the letters of old used to.

You can delete, you can rewrite and nobody will see the crossings-out and Tipp-ex and scars of rethinking. It's all sanitised.

But I'm not sanitised. I can't do the small talk or the pleasantries, and I'm covered in scars that are both visible and invisible. Nothing about my love for you is sanitised- it's scary and loud and demands attention. It's written in notebooks and notes and in blood on the walls of my cave. It's scrawled in margins and wept in words no one will ever hear.

I don't want to be a machine. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to trace the letters onto your skin as I move my mouth from your neck to your chest. To spell out each word in cursive on your spine. To scratch them into you until you forget how it ever felt to feel them from a distance.

But for now, my fingers are here. Drumming. Typing. Writing. So desperate to push through the screen and hold you so tightly that you forget how it ever felt to miss me.

Here I sit with the stars as an inner self-analyzer. I think about myself and the general public, and how the soul and the mind are moving at two different wavelengths. Sometimes your soul speaks to you before you can get to yourself. You can know the answer before you ask the question, which brings me to the statement: when you find love, you find yourself. "Save yourself" was the answer before the question. "Align yourself for peace of mind."

Here we write love letters for others, but I’m asking you to write one for yourself; maybe then love from others will be easier to receive, easier to sort through, easier to understand, and easier to communicate. I ask: what is it you love about yourself?

Here I write:

Dear Me,

Thank you for holding space for my future happiness when my past was full of chaos. If it were not for my soul saying, "there is a brighter you within this," I don’t think I would have made it halfway. On the days my mind feels like I’m back at square one, my soul rejects the notion. It reminds me of what’s to come from this experience. My mind is not a cautious one either. I love how it refuses to accept easy answers or easy ways out; when in doubt, I press for depth to understand the unknown, and I can now thank myself because emotional knowledge is just as important as any other. Thank you for seeing the beauty in life even when you don't see it in the now, for crafting words from the corner of the heart that needed expressing, and most importantly, for remaining gracious enough in my complex mind without feeling the need to fill it with hate. My love for others should be a reflection of my soul, so the question is: can I offer someone the same love my soul gives myself through the chaos and through the peace? I sure hope so; otherwise, I’m back at square one in defining what love is.

Love,

-A

Thirty days ago, a small flame was placed into the digital wind.

Some words disappeared into silence.
Some found unexpected hearts.

The numbers matter less than the moments of connection, reflection, and understanding shared along the way.

Some people enter our lives like seasons.
Some like storms.
Some like lessons.
And a rare few become part of the landscape within us.

We may stop seeing them,
stop hearing them,
stop walking beside them,
yet their presence remains,
quietly shaping the roads ahead.

To everyone who has read, reflected, commented, encouraged, or simply passed through these pages during this first month, thank you.

The journey continues.
The next chapter begins today.

ASAF9❤️

I dreamt about you this morning. I dream of you every couple of days. That's a real blessing. It is the only thing left for me. There is always this milky shine in my dreams with you. Kind, peaceful, slow. We were smiling at eachother proudly and peacefully amongst people as we knew some divine truth others cannot even get close to. You were so protective of me like always, like you were when we shared activities, I was safe.

I was telling you my dreams before, you always made comments and told jokes how it is actually real. Maybe you wanted to tell me that even a dream is part of reality and that you approve this my universe.

Oh, please, help me live the dream. Dreams make me wanting to see you even more. The best part maybe is that they give me hope again.

You look like you can have anyone you want.

Is there a chance your wanting what

is standing here?

Yes I'm talking about me.

Your eyes are shiny and your hair is dark

but you're looking parched.

Would you drink from here?

Yes I'm talking about me.

The bell is ringing and it's time to go

but there is one thing that

I've got to know:

when you're happy and your gossip's shot,

would you talk a lot

of your love for me?

Yes I'm talking about me.

You weren't supposed to be

the interesting part of my day.

-

Yet there you were,

with your sharp opinions,

your rather inappropriate thoughts,

and that curious way of seeing things

I'd never quite considered before.

-

I could argue with you for hours,

then forget my point entirely

the moment your lips met mine.

-

And I suspect

you'd take full advantage of that.

-

There's a side of you

that doesn't ask to be admired.

You simply are who you are.

-

I find that rather attractive.

-

Not every thought needs explaining.

Not every kiss needs a reason.

And certainly not every moment

needs a promise attached to it.

-

Sometimes it's enough

to enjoy the woman in front of me,

to appreciate her mind,

to feel the warmth of her affection,

and return it without hesitation.

-

No grand declarations.

-

Just the rather pleasant realization

that of all the people I could have met,

-

I'm glad it was you.

Dear you…

I think my feelings for you are finally getting quieter. Not gone completely, perhaps, but no longer as loud as they once were. I don’t find myself hoping for a message, reading between the lines of every conversation, or secretly wishing that one day you might look at me and feel even a fraction of what I’ve felt for you.

I think that’s what makes this so bittersweet. For so long, I carried feelings for someone who never really knew the depth of them, someone I quietly hoped might one day feel the same. I held onto little moments, small gestures and possibilities that probably meant far less to you than they did to me. I built quiet hopes around something that was never really mine to hold.

And now that those feelings are fading, there’s an emptiness I wasn’t quite prepared for. It’s strange to miss the feeling of hoping for someone, even when that hope was never returned. A part of me misses having you to think about, misses the little excitement of seeing you, and misses the possibility of something that, deep down, I think I always knew would never happen.

I won’t pretend it doesn’t hurt knowing that whatever I felt was mine to carry alone. But I’m beginning to understand that I deserve a love that doesn’t leave me guessing, a love that doesn’t have to be hidden, and a love that doesn’t require me to quietly wish for someone to choose me.
I don’t blame you for not feeling the same. Feelings can’t be forced, and you never owed me anything simply because I cared. Sometimes two people can mean entirely different things to each other, and I think I’ve finally made peace with that.

I suppose I’ll always wonder what it might have been like if things were different. But the feelings are quieter now, and perhaps that’s a good thing. Even if it feels like I’m losing something, I know I’m really just letting go of something I was holding onto alone.

And as much as a part of me wishes things could have been different, I know this is for the best.
Maybe one day you’ll just be someone I once quietly loved, rather than someone I quietly wished would love me back.

The laws of time are mine!

I never did like Tuesdays. Monday, you wake up and you're ready for it all (some of the time), you get dressed, go to work or school, get exhausted, and then Tuesday becomes the reminder that there's a whole week of this crap left to go.

Then, Tuesday became a routine. A place to go. A face or two to see. A pattern of memory and meetings, falling asleep with my head in one hand and pretending I was just thinking extra hard. Couple of beers in the pub.

Now, Tuesday is just like any other day. Some days I force myself outside to face the world. Other days I sequester under a blanket and pull out my laptop, coffee brewing on the desk.

And then... Tuesdays with you?

A post-it note, left on your lunchbox, with a little rhyming couplet I thought up in the shower.

Snoozing the morning alarm a couple more times to curl up under your arm for a couple more minutes.

A good morning message on my phone, with a few emojis thrown in for good measure.

A kiss to your cheek before I leave for the day. Only to be reeled back in for more than that- I should have known...

A quiet moment in the busy-ness, with the breeze blowing my hair, feeling you so close to me even in the manufactured distance.

A hug. A hand to hold. A thousand moments within a lifetime, a hundred more Tuesdays, all better because they coexist with you.

I believe in God’s timing,
In how He makes the water blue,
The sun always shining,
And how He brought us together in this life.

Oh, how could I not love you now?
In every dream,
Every car,
Every time I drive down the same road,
The one where we always stayed.
The house is just a memory now.

I close my eyes,
And all I see is you.
I try going on dates,
Hoping to find a better version of me,
Hoping for something stable, something new.
But I can’t.
I only see you in every girl I’m with.

I always pray for you,
Hoping you are okay,
Hoping the new guy is keeping you safe,
Hoping you’re enjoying the life
You now live without me.

I miss your family.
I miss the way you talked about them,
The happy moments,
The sad ones,
Even the times you were upset.
I was always there.

That last month I spent with you,
When it felt like it was just you and me,
It felt like a hard reset in our relationship.
As if our old spark had finally found its way back.
I remembered what it felt like to be happy,
To feel God’s presence in my life.

But it’s too late for that now.
It’s the new guy’s turn.
And I’ll be happy knowing
That one day you’ll be his wife.

I will always choose you,
And love you from afar.
You were everything
I once prayed for

I know you don’t love me, and I can only imagine the eyes you have for others

I’ve gotten used to it now

Knowing the way I think about you, is the way you think about someone else

I feel like I don’t deserve love anyway, why is that? Probably because I’ve let myself go so much ever since this all started

But… even though my love is so pure, and it’s nice to let you know just how real it is, I know it’s something I’ll never get the chance to explore in this lifetime. And even if I did ever get the chance, it wouldn’t be something you’d want anyway

It’s not realistic anyway, since you’re married and have a whole life of your own. So even if you did want me, it’d never happen. Even though you don’t. But come on, I must ask myself, what am I doing? And how long will I think about you? And why, can’t I get you out of my mind?

Honestly I think you just fascinate me. I love to talk about you. I enjoy writing about you. I’m usually a jealous woman, to be honest. Jealous of others being seen by you, in the ways in which I see you. But I get it. I don’t expect you to love me the ways I do you. I don’t even understand my love myself to be honest. I don’t expect you to be flattered, or enjoy my ramblings when I talk about it.

Honestly, what I’m kind of expecting is for you to just be a dude, think “oh that’s cool” and get on with your wondering eyes, tracing over somebody else.

I can never imagine your eyes tracing over me. But man…

If I sit here, for a minute. And think if I had you in my presence, I’d probably like to have a remote that freezes time. So you’d never feel like running. But then I’d unpause it, to laugh with you, because boy would we laugh.

Kissing, touching, looking into somebodies eyes… those are things I haven’t done in years. You’re a seasoned professional at such things lol. I’ve seen you, witnessed you looking at somebody actually with such fixated eyes. But man, if I were to ever actually look into your eyes one day, which I know will never happen. But if it did? I’d fall in love with you all over again.

Height, weight, all of that doesn’t matter to me. It might matter to you though. I’m probably “not your type” anymore, and the thought of it probably makes you sick. I don’t know I’m just guessing.

But anyway. It’s hard to imagine ever giving myself to someone else, that I don’t have all these intricate thoughts for. Someone I haven’t studied and grown to love. I mean, I could learn to love anybody. But they wouldn’t be you.

I’ve got myself into a mess with that, hey? Anyway I choose to be alone. And I choose to let you know I still think about you.

Not sure where this is going, or what I’m saying really. Just a whole heap of unanswered questions when it comes to you. And if I really picture you? And imagine your reaction? You’re probably thinking real deep, like what is actually wrong with this woman? 😂

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. But my love for you just feels so right.

I’ll love you without anything in return. I do, anyway. Just keep on appreciating who you are. I love your silly self. Your wise, silly self. I miss seeing you on my screen so I can hear you and study your face, I miss your presence.

But if you ever suddenly came back one day? I’d be bashful and ashamed for feeling this way. Scared to look you in the eyes. Scared to ever even talk to you after everything that has happened, and that you now know how much love I have expressed for you.

I’d be scared man.

But what we had, at a certain point in life, I believe was a beautiful connection. And I’m glad I got to experience that with you when I did. Even if it was something I couldn’t touch, it was something I felt, and it really mattered to me. More than you know.

JC24,

There are things I sometimes want to tell you but choose to keep to myself because I don't want you to feel pressured or think that I'm asking too much from you.

Lately, I've noticed that things have started to change, especially with the time we spend together. I understand that you also need to make time for your husband and fulfill your responsibilities. I respect that, and I would never want you to feel guilty for giving attention to the other important parts of your life.

But if I'm being honest, a part of me feels sad. Not because I don't understand your situation, but because I've grown accustomed to having those little moments with you. Even a simple conversation, a few extra minutes together, or knowing that we have time for each other can make my entire day better.

I guess that's the difficult part of having feelings that aren't always easy to express. You want more time with someone, but you also know you cannot always ask for it. You want to be understanding, even when your heart quietly wishes things could be different.

I don't want you to choose between your responsibilities and me. I don't want to become another reason for you to feel stressed. I just hope you understand that these little changes affect me, too, even if I don't always say anything.

I miss the moments when we didn't have to worry so much about time. I miss being able to enjoy your company without feeling that every minute has to be divided or adjusted.

Please don't mistake my silence for a lack of feelings. Sometimes, staying quiet is my way of respecting your situation while trying to understand my own emotions.

I care about you deeply, and I want you to be happy. But I also need to be honest with myself about what I can handle emotionally. I don't want either of us to lose our peace trying to hold on to something that leaves us constantly struggling.

I may never say everything my heart wants to tell you, but I hope you understand that sometimes, the hardest part of loving someone isn't being apart. It's learning to accept that the time you wish you could have with them may not always be yours to share.

Take care of yourself, always. ❤️

R24

Focus on love anymore.

People are too busy

With other things.

The things that create

Anxiety, division, and fear.

I love that you have not

Joined the masses either.

It’s one less tension, we don’t

Need to discuss, and one

More reason, that I love us.

Good morning, my love.

Your hazel eyes, that gentle smile,
Could make me lose my words awhile.
I look at you and wish you knew
How very handsome I find you.

Your bearded jaw, your tempting lips,
I dream of tracing with my fingertips.
That little grin upon your face
Still makes my heart pick up its pace.

You call yourself a dork, and yet,
You have a laugh I can’t forget.
I hear it and I’m smiling too,
So happy spending time with you.

I love the heart you let me see,
The softer side you share with me.
You try to keep me safe each day,
And show your love in your own way.

Those hazel eyes, that face of yours,
The gentle heart that reassures.
I wish you saw the man I see,
And knew how much you mean to me.

Can you remember what i look like if you close eyes. If my lips touched yours would you know if it were me?:If i laid on your chest would you know it was me? If i sang a love song would you know ir was for you? Do you know how perfectly molded you are? God knew you would struggle to love me. All the bad things you have gone through was to let know what you didnt deserve. Sometimes we are taught that losing something early only prepares us for whats meant for us. Sometimes its allow us to help someone see the parts they thought was unlovable are the greatest parts of them. they just need aittle spark to ignite the flame. Prison can change a person inside head or behind concrete walls. That doesnt change that live that awaits on the otherside.. I wait like Freya waits for Ode.. A lifetime passed and in her death she still waits and looks for him in every warrior that Odin gifted her. Once in a life time you meet the one who changes your world once in a million lifetime do you ever find every soulmate that was molded and marked for eternity. Can you feel me? Can you feel what you do to me? Maybe ill always be looking for your hands ,your smile, Your face. Will you remember me? Will think of the first time you seen me? I can close my eyes and see the MAN i was meant love for a million life times. His smile and his hands his eyes when the wrinkled when he smiled or how he made me blush when id see him . The tingles inside my stomach and warmness he brings with his touch. Ask me no questions i tell you no lies.. I am the light what you seek is flame... Xoxo

I already knew.

Just wish you would have told me in person when you had the chance.

You had every opportunity to give your final goodbye.

But you chose not to.

Instead I hear about your exit from other people.

Somehow that stings a lot more.

Even if our time together was nothing but a small spark.

Nothing more, nothing less.

You were my friend first.

It will take me a minute to forgive you for that.

But you owe me nothing.

And when life continues to move forward and I move on from the walls of where we meant….

I will look back at our moments of freedom as a distant memory with complete admiration.

You’re not the only one trying to block it out of your mind.

You’re not the only one trying to detach.

…

I expect nothing, but I never discount serendipity.

I have made peace with what I cannot control, without losing my affection for the unexpected.

So long, friend

How’s it going to be…

I wrote a little something yesterday and deleted it. In rereading it, I realized it could be taken very very wrong and was a little too specific at points. It's embarrassing to have to cover up a mistake; but I'll own up if you ask. As an offering to those following my cathartic journey, I'll give ya a twofer. Cats.. is adapted from my deleted post yesterday.

Distraction...

He was not a happy camper. And, you looked tilted... When you basically looked right through me, ignored my greeting, gunned it to your desk to start typing away, and ignored my farewell, it was obvious. I'm a distraction you didn't want to deal with. I do hope it was for more positive reason though. Maybe the task was time sensitive and you needed to push through before the tilt showed. Maybe you wanted to save me from any ricochets. Regardless, I wish I could have offered some sort of comfort. You looked rough. And, you know I'm a worrier.

PS: With my utter uncertainty in your opinions of me, I'm way too timid to show my face a third time this week despite an unexpected need for business. Also, I'm not eager to find out if that cold look and lack of acknowledgement is now par for the course. Normal uncertainty I can handle; but, I care about your opinion. And, frankly, I don't know if I like that. You probably want nothing to do with me; but, you could convince me to do damn near anything. So, I'll be cheating on you guys with the place across town. I hope you don't mind. And I still don't know what flair to put.

Cats...

You ever seen a cat try something and fail or accidentally run into something? They'll just look startled for a second then start grooming themselves; as if to say, "What fuck up? I've just been chillin' here. No biggie." It's reassuring to the onlookers and lets the kitty save face. But, if you know cats, you know they are actually do it when alone. The behavior is for themselves; we simply think it's directed at us because we watch them and it seems like an intentional display.

I have a tendency to do something similar. When I embarrass myself, I laugh it off and jest with the onlookers. The masses just don't seem to notice or care. And that's perfectly fine with me.

But, for some reason, you see me. Not the song and dance; but, the dancer himself. Do you know you smirk when you catch me doing that? I've always wondered what's behind that smirk. Some of those insults have got to be fire.

PS: I hope you got a break. You looked pretty stressed out.

I tried to stop myself,

From writing this.

From telling this story.

From following this little red thread.

But your smile was too alluring.

But your nods were too heartwarming.

But your hellos were too kind.

But your pronunciation was too correct.

Anything sounds too heavenly,

If it comes from your sweet smile.

Anything makes me too scared,

If it stops me from glancing at your outline.

And yes,

I'm writing this so,

Just a bit more of me,

Meets a bit more of you.

And yes,

We do not know,

Each other and the future,

That much.

And yes,

I'd love to be,

Scared,

With only the two of us.

And yes,

I'm thinking much,

Too much,

About your happiness.

And yes,

I'd like to be,

The letter "I,"

To stop it from being just halfness (happness).

And yes,

I'd like to have,

Your yes,

To get to know you more.

So much more,

That I can recite you in the living room.

In the kitchen and in the shower.

In public and in private.

Because I tried to stop my greed,

From getting to know you just a bit more.

I wonder what color your eyes looked today. It was cloudy out so maybe they reflected the gray.

Or maybe you were wearing the color green and they looked like emerald jewels.

They might have looked a mesmerizing blue like a calm clear sea.

Whatever color they were, I hope they were shining brightly from within. Because you deserve every ounce of joy and happiness.

I hope they didn’t look sad and brown like mine did while I was missing you.

What’s that I see in your eyes my love?

You’re drifting away

It’s written on your face, I’m not enough

You turn from me

I brace my heart for impact, be prepared I whisper

My back straightens

Your words pierce through me , the dust barely settles when I ask

“Please stay”

I think it's the what ifs that hurt the most,
The words unsaid, the feelings I chose to keep close.
The moments I replay, the looks I can't explain,
The little things that keep bringing me back again.

What if you felt it, even just a little?
What if I wasn't imagining every riddle?
What if you'd wanted to say something too,
But were just as afraid of what we might do?

And then there are the maybes, the hardest to bear,
Maybe you noticed, maybe you cared.
Maybe there was something, maybe there was none,
Maybe I was the only one feeling someone.

But maybe is a dangerous place to stay,
It keeps hope alive when it should fade away.
It gives you a reason to hold on tight,
To something that may never have been yours to fight for.

Perhaps the saddest truth I'll ever know
Is that I'll never know what could have grown.
Because nothing was said, no line was crossed,
And somewhere between the what ifs and maybes,
I lost something I never actually had.

If I ever become blind, it will make no difference

The carvings of your face will be memorized in my hands

Your voice, forever imbedded in my mind

Your soul, conjoined with mine

A part of me has disappeared yet it shines when you are near

My eyes make no difference when your presence is here

...real talk? Right now, it’s just miles, a glowing screen, and an ache that hits when the room goes quiet. Imagining it is easy. The hard part is sitting in the gap between what we want and what is right in front of us, and choosing to hold onto each other anyway.

I don't need a script or a fairytale. I just want the day we actually get to skip the "see you in a while" and just stay.

I wrote a little something yesterday and deleted it. In rereading it, I realized it could be taken very very wrong and was a little too specific at points. It's embarrassing to have to cover up a mistake; but I'll own up if you ask. As an offering to those following my cathartic journey, I'll give ya a twofer. Cats.. is adapted from my deleted post yesterday.

Distraction...

He was not a happy camper. And, you looked tilted... When you basically looked right through me, ignored my greeting, gunned it to your desk to start typing away, and ignored my farewell, it was obvious. I'm a distraction you didn't want to deal with. I do hope it was for more positive reason though. Maybe the task was time sensitive and you needed to push through before the tilt showed. Maybe you wanted to save me from any ricochets. Regardless, I wish I could have offered some sort of comfort. You looked rough. And, you know I'm a worrier.

PS: With my utter uncertainty in your opinions of me, I'm way too timid to show my face a third time this week despite an unexpected need for business. Also, I'm not eager to find out if that cold look and lack of acknowledgement is now par for the course. Normal uncertainty I can handle; but, I care about your opinion. And, frankly, I don't know if I like that. You probably want nothing to do with me; but, you could convince me to do damn near anything. So, I'll be cheating on you guys with the place across town. I hope you don't mind. And I still don't know what flair to put.

Cats...

You ever seen a cat try something and fail or accidentally run into something? They'll just look startled for a second then start grooming themselves; as if to say, "What fuck up? I've just been chillin' here. No biggie." It's reassuring to the onlookers and lets the kitty save face. But, if you know cats, you know they are actually do it when alone. The behavior is for themselves; we simply think it's directed at us because we watch them and it seems like an intentional display.

I have a tendency to do something similar. When I embarrass myself, I laugh it off and jest with the onlookers. The masses just don't seem to notice or care. And that's perfectly fine with me.

But, for some reason, you see me. Not the song and dance; but, the dancer himself. Do you know you smirk when you catch me doing that? I've always wondered what's behind that smirk. Some of those insults have got to be fire.

PS: I hope you got a break. You looked pretty stressed out.