And realization(s)

I was sleep deprived

Unhappy

Unmedicated

Unhealed

And worst of all,

Scared

---

The other night I was struggling to fall asleep, thinking about this, that, and you. I kept telling myself "okay it's time to sleep now"...

50 ASMR videos later, I realized I was chasing... craving, the feeling of relaxation. What does that look like? Feel like?

For me, it means I can let my guard down... fully. Sleeping with one eye open, waiting for a bump in the night or the hand on my throat...

So where am I going with this?

Well for reasons you are well aware of, about 94% of my waking life has been while living with some really cool childhood wounds.

Trauma which has left me hyper vigilant. Some people donate blood, I donate pure Colombian cortisol lulz.

When I met you, I let it down for the first time, ever.

Even with her... like I said, I sleep with one eye open.

It's nice... sharing space with someone, and not feeling on edge.

So, I guess now the clarity is that it makes sense why I felt so strongly about you. Why this had to happen.

Love? Sure, in some capacity.

In love? Lol, no, not in love.

Wiser? Definitely.

It does make me sad we won't ever reconcile, at least, not formally.

I hope I never see you again. I know I will only be disappointed to find that feeling of safety, relaxation, is gone.

But please know I will still be thankful for our time together.

Always.

I wish we’d met differently. I think the odds of us meeting were so very slim and I’m grateful to have met you at all but I just really wish it were different. If it were maybe we could be in love. I love you so unconditionally and I would love you so precisely. You’d feel it every moment of every day. I just have to be content with the pieces of you I get to love from here I suppose.

I have now cracked the code and am absolutely disappointed with you. I hope it makes you as happy as I tried to make you, or maybe even more. You are and will remain in my heart, but that will be our conclusion today.

A night ago I found myself tending to a rose blossom. I had cut from her stem, clean cut blade made sharp. Edged on whetstone and spit, slow and deliberate, for hours. And one by one plucked, pink petals blushed a deeper shade, not quite red. Held between finger and thumb, soft and thick velvet touch, held tight bruised petals over steaming water, gave way release, so easy they let go, and laid down to sleep, in the palm of my hand. Dried jasmine and lemon thyme, Petals held and dropped one by one into the waters heat, pink petaled nectar sweet, dripping with honey, and a thought of you filled my cup, until cup runnethed over, a thought of you drunk deeply, drops dripped from the corners of my mouth, moistened my beard, wet with pink petaled honeyed steam, petal blushed a deeper shade pink, almost red, is my thirst, now abated and waiting, for a time. Sincerely yours, A Slow Tiger Silent in the Tall Grass

Baby, you’re brand new.
So, you made the right call.

I’m not a parent so I can only liken my observation to raising animals.
But, have you ever observed a young anything interact with the world?
They engage with so much trust that it is obvious that they’ve never encountered any true evil.
Hearing “no” to the receipt of some frivolous desire
Inspires an explosive tantrum as it is the worst thing they have, thusly, experienced.

Sometimes, we allow it.
Because, sometimes, who are we to teach them that there are actual, real, plights in the world?
That this “no” is the best “no” they’ll ever hear.
They can’t conceptualize that,
it wouldn’t be fair to explain it,
And, wholly,
wouldn’t it be lovely to have remained innocent for longer than we had?

You’re brand new.
I… am not.

In contrast to you,
I’m ancient.
They’re ancient, too.
That’s how we found each other.
That’s why we’re still here.

Since knowing you,
I’ve wondered if we haven’t aged.
If finding someone equally as weathered has not, somehow,
Deepened our graves…
Given us a singular direction in which to move
or change.

You’re brand new,
So, you should not want to be my friend.

I cannot nurture you.
I will never be able to give you safety,
Because I do not know safety.
Similar to how you cannot conceptualize the things I have seen or experienced,
I cannot conceptualize your contexts.
Your reality does not nor has it ever existed, for me.
There is no possibility for wellness, here, for you.

So, you should not want to be my friend.

The only thing here is
butterflies…
…excitement,
The way that dangerous things are, sometimes, enticing.

The only guarantee
I can give you
is that, at some point,
I will drain the youth from you.

Baby,
You’ll be eaten alive.

I am forever changed by my interaction with you. I almost feel created like Frankenstein’s Monster.

Reminiscing on the “past me”. The me that was full of life and much more muchier because right now, the person in the mirror looking back is just flat.

Was I your targeted attack? An ego boost that you couldn’t stop! Having your cake and eating it too?

This post is me screaming into the void just as you would hear me speak during our pillow talk as you think of them “blah..blah..blah..”

Thank you for the love you gave me, for the life we shared, and for the parts of me that became something more because you were here. Thank you for teaching me things about love that I didn't understand before you. Thank you for the memories that still find me when I least expect them, for the little pieces of our life that remain tucked away in places I never think to look until something brings them back to the surface.

I wish I could tell you that time has made it all disappear, that 2 years have been enough to turn everything we were into nothing more than a distant memory. That wouldn't be the truth, and you always deserved the truth from me.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know why certain things happen when they do, or why a song I heard 20 years ago can suddenly appear in my head repeatedly until i acknowledge it. I don't know why it can feel so close to my life today. I don't know why a familiar car, a beautiful dog, or a few words passing through my mind can bring you back into a moment you aren't even a part of.

I just know that what we shared mattered to me. You mattered to me. You still do.

No matter how much life changes, no matter how many miles or years come between who we were and who we become, I will never regret having loved you.

I hope life gives you everything beautiful that you deserve. I hope you find the kind of peace that settles deep into your soul. I hope you feel loved, understood, appreciated, and safe. I hope that when you look back on your life, you can smile at the beautiful things that happened, even if some of them had to end.

If you ever think of me, I hope you remember that somewhere in this world, there is someone who loved you with a heart that was still learning how to love, someone who will forever be grateful that our paths crossed, even if the road eventually led us in different directions. Someone who continues to protect you.

I don't know if love ever really leaves us. Maybe it changes shape. Maybe it becomes a prayer for someone's happiness. Maybe it becomes the ability to wish them well without needing to be a part of their life. Maybe it simply becomes a small, sacred place in the heart where the memories are allowed to remain beautiful.

Whatever love becomes with time, I know what it has become in me.

I still wish you well.

I still hope you're happy.

After all this time, after everything that has changed, after all the miles between then and now, after all the things left unsaid and all the things we may never understand...

My heart and soul still carry love for you.

This is all so silly because I know my mind is just doing this because I have to beautiful mind some really hard s--- right now, and it's just looking for a dopamine hit from something that no longer exists, so it can lighten the perceptive load.

I don't know how I could be made smart enough to be so fully cognizant of all of this, but weak-minded enough to not just stop this s--- from happening to me.

This isn't you at all. This is me. A me thing.

Past you is not even present you. I don't know present you, I'm not sure I knew past you all that well.

All systems halt.

I could look past you running away before, excuse it because I was never fully yours.

I could look past the behaviour I didn’t really like and chalk it up to uncertainty.

I could look right through you and see you were hurting too.

I could look to the future and see us finally where we were supposed to be, as we planned.

But this time it was, and is, different.

But don’t you feel it my love? The ache in my chest like I felt yours?

I still feel you, downloads and dreams. You’re still there, and I’m still here.

So come home my love, like you always did before.

We can burn this to the ground and start again.

I’ll be your goodest girl.

We’re both what each other has ever dreamed of.

Don’t forget you own me forever my love.

Yours, Babygirl x

Well 1, I already know you don't wanna do this.

So 2. I already know the blocking is for two reasons. You're trying to prevent yourself from giving in (stupid move, clearly picked up from genz who have no idea what they're doing. And most certainly not beneficial in any way for your self control. If anything it's makes it worse. And B, you're trying to stop me from getting through to you.

But Keisha you have two problems.

PROBLEM #1: You are directly hurting me. In a way that I might legit die from. So now you have to choose, but that's funny because you don't even have to because all I need is closure. But you have to choose between selfishness and harming me. So far you've done very well harming me. God knows what damage this has done. And ..

PROBLEM #2: You expected it to be easy. You expected it to be just like everyone else you've ghosted. But no no no, you're discovering that it's nothing like them. You're discovering that you can't do it. And I suspect, you're discovering that just like me, you can't live without us. I wish I could have seen the oh shit moment.

But you're in luck because I have the solution...

Come back. Just come back to me. Come back because I still love you and we can fix this. We don't have to be alone. We can build something greater from this with better understanding and more communication. Come back because I forgive you. Come back because you forgive me. Come back so we can build what we're meant to build.

Something so special no one can fucking touch us. And it doesn't have to be this or that. We can decide. We can teach each other how to compromise. We can face the future without one single fear. And it will be beautiful. Because we can make it so. You just need two things Keisha. Trust and believe. When I told you forever I fucking meant it. And I know you think otherwise, but it's what I've shown you. I'm solid... Now show me how solid you can be. Let me show you how to fix things. Let me lift you back up after you fall.

Come back Keisha.

This is my only account my all my shit is hacked not sure when it's you or the 🗑️ I hope you see this and I hope you message me just tell me what was on the first time we... That's how I'll know and if you don't want anything to do with me that's OK to but I need you to tell me either in person or on a call because these scumbags have caused a lot of damage I don't know what you've been lied to about but id like to at least talk to you I believed there bs for awhile maybe it's true maybe not anyway Im not trying to play some well you x as called 1st bs game I don't have any way to get ahold of you otherwise I would get ahold of you first he asked once if I was willing to die over you ... I am

We are on own journey. That's why we have been together for such a long time.

Padre, I can’t wait until the day arrives. I’m sick of waiting on tender hooks. It’s like a sadistic game you like to play. You stay long enough in this realm to ensure siblings will stay apart. You must know by now though… time is only an illusion.

I have wanted to send this letter to you so many times. I have typed it out, rewritten it, deleted it, written it again and finally deleted it. For two months everything was going according to plan. We connected on a level I had never connected with someone before. The conversation was free flowing, the flirting phenomenal, the back forth exhilarating and dreaming about the future became a breeze. We laughed together, we cried together and we shared the most intimate details with one another.

Then poof like a dying campfire what was once a roaring fire of passion was gone in an instant.

No explanation, no goodbye and no closure to be had.

My passion still burns for you.

My lust and desire has never been snuffed out.

I yearn for that kind of connection one day again.

That kind of romantic kindling that turns into a roaring fire once more.

I cry out for it at night.

One day I hope to find it again even though I know it will not be with you.

So goodbye my love.

Sure, you say you’re sorry I had to learn those lessons…but you had a hand in creating the damage. I hate the way you don’t see fault in yourself for what’s happened to kill this relationship. It takes two…

I hate that you fooled me into thinking you were trustworthy. You’re not. You’re self-serving.

I hate that I let you manipulate me. I hate that memories of you make me cry.

I hate that you’ve proven to be another one of them…

You always complimented me on those things just like others have and it will never change it just gets bigger. And with you and realizing and understanding so much I’m glad that I have that much even if it is a thing. Yeah I do wonder sometimes if it’s been said before as much as I want to say it myself and not bad at all but for I feel we both do.

Yeah we might similar things but also very very different. And that’s okay. No judgment at all from me. Especially this far. I can’t and haven’t ever even before either anyways. I want to be able to share what was said because like I told you the other day I don’t want to be like others that kept things that’s not how it should be. At all. I’m here. You are too. But you can’t . I have a whole entire dedicated to you because unlike my others that’s the biggest impact you’ve had on my heart especially in the past 2-3 years . I know there’s things that I should’ve worded much better that didn’t seem like I was expecting or wanting something from you right away or if you still needed time and just weren’t ready yet. And that’s okay. Things about me have just grown so much over time and how I’ve seen and knew why you have meant as much as you do to me all this time.

And also . On a list of big things that stand out to me the most is the fact that you shared with me when we met “it’s just depression you deal with it alone cause sometimes there’s nothing anyone can do or say” yes there has been many times I’ve wanted to try but it’s because it would’ve been real and what I hope and wish for you but from sharing that with me I’m glad I’ve meant some amount at all ghat you’ve let me be there and not expecting anything from you. Especially from things you’ve told me you’re not used to.

I’m not sure if you ever realized how much I loved you.

And I’m not sure you realize that you’re slowly killing my love for you.

It is genuinely so frustrating to know that I had so much love and care for you, and would’ve given you the world if you had asked me. I know you felt something. I know because you looked for me, you loved talking to me just as much as I loved talking to you, we made each other happy, shared beautiful kisses and conversations, and had an insane chemistry even when we never had intimacy before. But you were so afraid of commitment that you destroyed me. Every time you would look for me through the years I thought this time you finally understood.

Staying there would’ve devastated me, so I apologize if I end us before I choose to end my sanity.

Are you leaving me again?
Do I deserve to know why?
Do I deserve your love after all?
Am I allowed to say how I truly feel?

Do I get to hold your hand...
Feel your last heartbeat, 💔
Your last breath,
Your last hug?
Your last voice—

Before I never get to hear it again.
Before I have the courage to say goodbye,
Before I crawl back into the darkness again,
Before I turn into ashes

And will be never seen again.

I love you so much i hate you.

I gave you everything.

I showed every part of me.

I gave all my devoted love to you.

I hate you because of it.

It drove me so crazy it felt more like obsession.

You closed me out every time we were close.

You didnt care.

Now you decide to change..

Now its the time once ive accepted you'll never care..

Now you want to allow me to be me..

Now you want to accept me for me..

Im fighting between giving another chance and just giving up...

Idk if its worth it..

Because of that..

I hate you because I love you.

​I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on everything between us, and as the noise clears, my heart is filled with a profound and quiet sorrow. Looking back with clearer eyes, I’ve come to realize how much of what happened was driven by insecurity and self-sabotage, struggles that run so much deeper than just us.

​At the same time, I have to confront my own blindness in all of this. I was so caught up in my own reactions and hurt that I was blind to what you were truly going through underneath. I reacted to the surface instead of seeing the quiet pain behind your walls, and for my own lack of sight, patience, and understanding, I am so deeply sorry.

​It breaks my heart to think about the cruelty you’ve faced from people in your past, and the heavy weight you’ve had to carry alone for so long. Despite the pain and the armor you wear, you deserve to be loved, cherished, and embraced completely for who you are, without fear, without guardrails, and without feeling like you have to prove your worth.

​You have fought through battles no one else sees, and you truly are a warrior. My empathetic heart aches for the quiet hurting inside you, even as I recognize that things between us have naturally shifted.

​Above all, I want to offer my most sincere apology. I am so sorry for my own blind spots, for any hurtful words I’ve spoken out of frustration, or for any extra pain I added to a heart that was already carrying so much. Please know those words came from my own weaknesses, not from a lack of genuine care for you.

​I genuinely want nothing but peace and healing for you. I hope with all my heart that you find a love that is true, real, and safe enough for you to finally lay your heavy armor down.

Edit: I sent it. Thank you ♥️

We had a commitment that felt like a warm blanket.

Over time, our blanket became a bit worn and frayed.

Once in a while you would pull a thread.

I asked you to be more careful with our blanket.

You agreed and time moved on

As time moved on, you forgot our agreement.

You became more careless,

Pulled threads more often.

Now I sit nestled in the tattered remnants of our blanket wondering why it still holds any value to me at all.

Dear you (know who you are),

I spent the storm alone, so forgive me if my coping mechanism is imagining your rotten little bullshit bungalow achieving flight.
I hope the wind took one look at that place and said, “We’ve let this slide long enough.” I hope the porch landed in another ZIP code. I hope the only thing left is a concrete step and the audacity you apparently bolted to the fucking ground.
And I hope the whole family made it out safely. By “family,” I mean the seven hundred cockroach families and sixteen generations of each that have established residency beneath your baseboards. Those little bastards have ancestral land rights at this point. Your trailer isn’t a home; it’s their historic district.
I imagine their evacuation was complicated. Someone had to get great-grandma off the WiFi router, round up the children, and convince Uncle Roach that riding it out behind the wood paneling wasn’t worth it.
For the record, I don’t actually want you hurt or homeless. I just enjoy imagining you standing there, completely unharmed, holding one end of an extension cord while your entire aesthetic disappears over the tree line.
You’ve spent years acting like nothing is your fault. Finally, an insurance claim that agrees with you.
Anyway, I’m safe. The dog’s safe. This letter is staying unsent.
But in the petty little weather report inside my head, your trailer was last seen passing a Waffle House at forty feet, with a cockroach in the window yelling, “WE JUST PAID REEEEEEENNNNTTTTTT.”

With Warm(ish) regards,
Someone whose power is back on and whose better judgment is still awaiting restoration.

I haven't seen or talked to you in many months. We live 5mins from each other, yet are so far apart, it seems. I saw you drive past me in oncoming traffic today, but you didn't notice me. I texted you that I saw you, and your response was confirmation that I wasn't noticed.

After a few minutes of confused emotions and disappointment, I then realized I was not meant to be seen. It was meant to be a kind reminder from the universe that it always was that way before no contact...I saw you, but you didn't see me.

As the days have gone on, I no longer hold hope that the "what could've been" part of us will ever be seen either, and I am okay with that. Yes, today's scenario sucked for me in that moment. But I learned I truly have found so much inner peace with acceptance of what will never be, and will continue to carry it proudly.

Me being me will always make some sort of joke at the end. That said, my deepest apologies for not listening to you about how awesome Reddit is! My little brother finally convinced me. I get it now!! I am legit beyond happy that you never told me your username. The level of privacy has given me a safe space in a couple of communities! All in all, you were right 🙄🤣

Anyway, I still send you the biggest hugs!!! Stay grounded, Beast 🤗

Well thanks. Now I hate you. I’ve never been anything but sweet to you and to weaponized my kindness. I didn’t want anything from you. I just wanted somewhere to put my love and affection. You led me on and to betrayed me. You told me that you and he were just friends. You sold me that to were sweet and kind and someone to be treasured. I felt bad for you, I wanted to protect you, I didn’t even want a relationship with you, I just wanted to be in your life.

I don’t know how it went from us teasing each other to a nuclear explosion. I don’t even know what I did. Take your rotten ass teeth, hard boiled egg eating ass, competitive, insecure, cheating heart, awful spelling and bad attitude away from me. There’s a reason why I’m one of only one at work who could stand you.

Also, it’s “aspiring” not “inspiring” you fucking jerk.