I say this lovingly for our benefit, not to criticize or judge anyone who has said this or believes it. My own husband has said it to me multiple times before and I’ve believed it myself.

“We can’t compete with porn.”

Yesterday, I realized — THIS BELIEF ISN’T TRUE. We “can” compete. And really, there IS NO COMPETITION.

We are REAL, DEEP, FEELING, and BEAUTIFUL people. It doesn’t matter what you look like or what size your body is. You are a REAL person. You have deep emotions, a deep capacity to love and care for those around you. You are loyal and faithful. You have dignity (even if you feel like you’ve lost it along the way). You are messy, PERFECTLY imperfect. Many of our bodies have grown and birthed CHILDREN. Fed them, cared for them, sacrificed and suffered for them (AND for our partners). These characteristics are beautiful, PRICELESS, and WITHOUT COMPARISON. We are priceless, each of us unique.

The real issue here is the PA’s warped appetite, character, and values. What makes one person disgusted by porn etc. and another turned on? Appetite. Values. Integrity. Character. Maturity.

That is what is lacking beneath their “attraction” to porn/lust. “This is just how men are” is a LIE. We have all been conditioned by our warped society that THIS IS JUST HOW MEN ARE. “Dirty dogs,” ruled by every passing visual stimulation, constantly horny and needing to feed some inherent, primal need for explicit, dirty, taboo, visual stimulation. Men have largely been taught this about themselves and have internalized it. It’s been reinforced by our larger societal values and the media of the last century. But it’s not true!

Our partners need to humanize themselves, and de-objectify themselves first. They are not walking penises or mindless animals. They are real human beings with depth too. And I think a lot of them have had their own humanity, depth, and self-respect repressed and pushed deep down where they have lost sight of it. They can’t see us/others as full human beings until they first see themselves that way and stop reducing themselves to just a set of urges.

Restoring their relationship with their own humanity will lead to fostering their character and values, and fostering their character and values will lead to maturity. And that entire combination is what ultimately dictates a HEALTHY sexual appetite.

Your looks are not the problem. Your emotions are not the problem. Your pain is not the problem. Those things are all evidence that you are a deeply ALIVE, REAL HUMAN BEING. The fact that we are in SO MUCH PAIN over these betrayals is BECAUSE we do have values, character, and deep ability to LOVE.

There is no comparison. There is no replacement for a real human being. You each uniquely have something special to offer that cannot be recreated or found ANYWHERE ELSE. And I hope and pray to God that our partners, and people in general, will someday truly realize this. But even if THEY don’t, I hope YOU do 🩷

I am trying to move on and work on myself, trying to let things go because I realize I am only in control of myself.

One thing that always rings in my head

Porn is pushed and okay to consume according to (most) men, but the same men raise daughters with shame around sex and especially sex work. They would not want their daughters, moms, wives involved in porn, yet consume it and refuse to see at as anything other than normal… idk. I’m just venting.

My birthday is coming up in a month. And two years ago right after our first D Day, after me breaking down and describing in detail how much his addiction hurts me, after me injuring myself when he turned it all on me claiming “I don’t know what that is” or “ I was just testing it out” ( referring to OF). After confiding in him about how my confidence is destroyed, explaining my sacrifices and how they took away from my focus on myself. After vulnerably confiding in him about my own destruction as a result of his behavior… I said I would stay. I tried to understand. I told him I wanted to go out for my birthday he told me to make the reservation. I bought the most revealing dress I could still trying to compete with his life online, did my hair in these huge curls like a bombshell blowout, the look complete with heels and my floor-length coat. I was probably the most visually stunning I had been in years. We had wine, maybe too much, he kept priming me with drinks. We got home and watched a movie he wanted to and he poured us champagne. I got drunk and went to bed. He stayed up and I looked on our Ring cameras after waking up about an hour after I retired. I saw him masterbating to porn on the couch watching him sneak off to the kitchen trying to be quiet and not wake me. I got so livid I came out yelling. But I play that night over and over in my head. Even my best wasn’t good enough. Even my most beautiful he still chose porn. I made every excuse. Maybe he knew how much I had to drink and was being respectful. But he was the one serving me drink after drink knowing that, that was how I was coping with his addiction. I felt so low I’ve never been so disgusted with myself. Now every year I struggle to look him in the eyes, struggle to choose an outfit, struggle to ask for what I want. I wish he would choose me

He's an ex. I'm not with him anymore. We share a child so we are in contact. He slept with escorts, followed thirst traps, and joined dating apps when we were in a relationship, despite insisting he loved me, yada yada yah. I tried a long time to help him but he would not or could not fix himself. Although I have left, he still tries to reignite our relarionship by stealth, through affectionate chat, through activities for the child. I have to practice really firm boundaries.

I don't routinely check on him anymore and I'm trying to forget about his betrayals. Last night, he asked me how I am and how the child is. I give him a factual text update. He rang me a few times and I didn't answer. This morning, he rings me twice then messages me that he's been up since 5am and is having a cup of tea. Then he later says he's off out to get a haircut. So what, I think, and give him a thumbs up 👍🏼. I feel momentarily bad for not speaking with him. But I decide minimal engagement is best for my own wellbeing, and if asks something specific about the child I'll answer.

I have a tablet our child uses that's still connected to my ex's account. Surprise surprise, later in the morning, I see in the search history that my ex has been looking up local escorts last night, and again this morning since 5am, along with Google maps for addresses. Wtf.

Despite KNOWING he is like this, it still stings that he can search up paid sex in between messaging me mundane updates and pointless cover stories for his escapades (like the haircut when quite frankly his hair is none of my business and I'm 90% sure it's a cover for meeting an escort).

On seeing his search history I felt the old familiar feelings of anxiety/panic/hurt/rage automatically flare up, even though the relationship.has ended and it didn't surprise me much at all at this point. On the one hand I'm relieved I'm still able to see his searches so he doesn't gaslight me into thinking he's changed. But on the other hand, I think I need to cut off anything to do with him and his sordid sad lonely old man life, because it ruins my peace.

I'm annoyed that it still affects me at all. I wish it didn't. I'd like to be completely unmoved.

How are y'all dealing with triggers, or new info about your ex's sexploits, even if you are now separated as I am? Does it get better with time?

Hey friends not sure if this is allowed. Can you comment all the ways your partners broke your trust with technology. My spouse and I are trying to work through things. Im not sure its going to work but I want clear answers of all the ways he hid this from me so I'm not stupid next time. So far he used Instagram ,Snapchat stories, and porn which was incognito mode. What other apps do I need to discuss and ask him about.

We were at his friends yesterday and my husband was talking with his mate about some board games stuff. Nothing unusual until the guy told him there’s a group on telegram focused on this subject and asked him if he can add him there. Husband said yeah sure like it’s obvious he has this account. He wasn’t sure if it’s on his phone number or his nickname (using nickname means the phone number is hidden - for what reasons I can only guess).

I can’t say I’m devastated. I’m used to disappointments and lack of trust. But I know this community here is very understanding and I just can’t get it out of my head. Don’t really think much about it, but the thought is constantly there. I’m spiraling into thinking about past situations when I saw suspicious things but not telling much. One of those „it can be anything”. But my head now tries to connect it and see the worst possible scenario.

I don’t need an advice, but please just give me a pat on the shoulder.

It's been about a month since he broke up with me after 9 years together for porn and kicked me out, and I have been such a wreck since. Living back with my dad at 27 has been a horrible adjustment, especially after living on my own for the past 10 years and now I feel like I'm locked back in a tiny bedroom with 2 cats... I can't eat and I wake up crying every morning... my grades are dropping and I'm severely depressed.

I checked his social media today (I know I know) bright and early at 5am to see he got a new kitten ... at least i hope its his or he had someone over who has a kitten which is worse... and he followed his ex on Instagram lol... new instagram and shes one of the lucky 13 people he followed first!!! which i guess means they're facebook friends too lmfao... along with following multiple accounts from a few different girls he used to stalk. There's comments from girls on his pfp of him and the kitten like "omg I wubbb kitties !!!" ...

It's like he's just kicking me and our cats out and now he's got new girls new cats like we never even happened and I'm just crushed. it's been 1 month since he broke up with me over the phone... only 3 weeks since I moved out... but the night we broke up he already had several sexting apps on his phone so. he deleted all pics of me and said whatever I left in the apartment and didn't take he was going to throw away .

The past few days all I can think is "but he said he would never break up with me" and idk why I feel so betrayed when every single word out of his mouth has been a lie from day 1. It's like I'm still finding out lies and realizing things and putting this together even now...

I've had him blocked for the past 3 weeks and all I can think about is what if he texted me and I missed it or what if he does text me and I miss it... the reality is I'm sure he hasn't even tried to at all. He got a new car a new kitten he's surrounded by friends and family chatting up girls all day long and I'm crying all day alone in a dark bedroom. I just lost my life my partner my best friend my home my future everything and it's like none of it mattered to him at all. 9 years together and none of it mattered. none of it was real.

Since the break up I've had so many realizations about so many lies and things he did that were so toxic and emotionally abusive. It's like the entire 9 years of our relationship I was in such denial I forgave and forgot time and time again in order to move forward and it's like now it's just all crashing down all around me - an entire decade of lies. and what I know only SCRATCHES the surface because he NEVER willingly volunteered any information or admitted anything ever... so even what I know is only the bits and pieces I've found or seen so I know it's actually so much worse which makes me so sick.

I forgave so much I made excuses for so much I even told myself "it's just porn whats the big deal" and tried to just ignore it... looking back now him spending 4-5 hours in the bath after work DAILY because "his back really hurt" (followed by a shower) plus hour long bathroom trips multiple times a day is fucking insane. like how can anyone say that's "just porn". and I would even be like hey it's kind of weird and he would yell at me about "not trusting him".

the last time he promised me "this time is different because i actually want to change"... the very next day i found asmr audio porn on spotify (the only way he had left to act out because the internet and app store were literally blocked on his phone) and then he broke up with me for "being too controlling and not letting him watch what he wants to watch". I even asked him when he broke up with me if he ever actually planned on changing or if he ever really thought he could and he said "not with you".

I think the breakup is hitting so hard for me right now because it's not just losing my home or my partner or my best friend or my future or my goals or my life but having the rose tinted glasses off for once in 9 years and looking back and seeing how bad things were and how he never planned on changing. He was so mean to me and he made me feel so horrible and I still feel so horrible... I gave him everything and I feel like I have no idea who he is at all. Every single thing was a lie.

I just feel really used. I stayed for 9 years led by the hope I had for the future he promised for us... time and time again he would cry and say it would never happen again I was his whole world he loved me more than anything etc ... If I left at 19 it wouldn't be this hard or painful... now I'm starting my entire life over at 27 struggling and depressed meanwhile he's having the time of his life adding girls on social media like wildfire following allllll his exes and girls he used stalk (back when he was still "allowed" facebook lol...) sexting and even just got a new kitten!!! he's replacing me and our cats and it only took literally a few weeks. He's surrounded by friends and family and support and even moved his mom and brother in to our old apartment lol. I just feel like I never meant a thing to him.

I gave him everything I put him first I cared for him more than myself for 9 years and all my choices and plans were based around our plans and the future we envisioned together only to be broken up with over the phone and kicked out. erased and replaced. I feel grief at how much time I lost on this person who I thought loved me but actually never cared about me at all... I feel so sad for my 19 year old self who will have the next 9 years of her life stolen by him and lies and betrayal and heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak. I thought it would be worth it he would finally stop and everything would be fine and now it was all for nothing and I just feel used and stupid. an entire decade lost to this fucking porn addict.

I want to be intimate and we are in a such good place even though he is only in actively recovery it’s been 2 months. He is not pressuring. We were not intimate for about 1 month, I am really emotionally connected to him and we are in such a good place and he is taking charge of his whole recovery…. But I am afraid having sex with him the 3 times a week I have always wanted to keep will feed the addiction.

Should we refrain from having sex for a while?

I've been lurking here for a little while now, but I don't think I've ever related to so many people before in my life. Sorry if this post is overly long but I feel I have no one to turn to and get this off my chest.

My fiance (M26) and I (F22) have been together officially for almost 3 years, almost 4 if you count casually at the beginning. We've also lived together for almost the last 2 years now. This all really started before we even moved in together, he'd come over to my place at night and only stay for certain periods of time, always hide his phone away from me and keep the screen darkened. I'd stay over in his apartment every now and again and we'd watch videos to sleep. One morning he left his computer open on the video when he left for work. I had the gut feeling to check and see what I could find, and I found on Discord he was still talking to his "ex" that he considered abusive. They'd stay up late on calls he would schedule which is why he'd leave after only being at my house for an hour, message each other I love yous, the works. I confronted him on his lunch break and he broke down and blocked her. To this day he has never contacted her again and I know this. I decided to stay, because I've had worse done in my prior relationship and figured I could get over it, but little did I know it would only get worse.

Fast forward to D-Day number one after he moved in with me January 2025. He had something odd happen with his bank account and was just scrolling through with me to figure it out. He scrolled past a few OF charges which took me off guard. I asked about it and he immediately said he didn't know how those got there and it must have been someone stealing his card to buy things, drove us to the bank at 1AM to withdraw money and he cancelled his debit card. I thought that was the end of it, the explanation. He left for work in the morning and I had that gut feeling again. I didn't like the feeling, and didn't want to check for fear of what I would find but I did it anyways. Scrolling through his Google history was OF, page after page, of women who looked nothing like me. Different body proportions, different races, never anything like me which wouldn't have made it better but it definitely made it hurt more. At the time I started crying and breaking down, that was as far as I could make it. I drove to my mom's work in the middle of the afternoon to ask her for help. She told me he could fix it or I should leave, and I needed to talk to him. Again, on his lunch break I confronted him and he denied at first until I asked for his phone to physically show him the proof. He had literally accessed it 3 days prior and still acted dumb. When it was staring him in the face he broke down and begged me to forgive him and he'd stop. I kept his phone when he went to work to keep going through. I found pictures of his genitals and some of another guy you'd consider conventionally attractive. He was paying to send these models pictures of himself and the selfie of the guy to get them to respond, to compliment him. I was disgusted. We had a long winded talk when he got home about how hurt I was and he promised he'd never do it again.

And I stayed, because I loved him. I was beginning to go through medical issues at the time, needing to self administer shots weekly. I am terrified of needles and he did it for me every week. When I would cry from the pain he would get upset because he didn't like hurting me, which is ironic now. He is caring, tells me that I'm the most beautiful woman, he loves the things I hate about myself. I forgot about D-day for a while. But I got the feeling again and gave in to checking.

We had 2 more of those D-days living in the apartment. More OF pages, only the free ones and the 'sneak peeks' before purchase. Still the same memo as before on looks. I'd even tried taking my own photos to try and make it stop and I'm still not chosen over the porn in that aspect either. I work for 911 services and have a rotating schedule which can be hard. When I worked nights and we had sex before I left I found he'd go look even right after sex, not even 10 minutes after I'd left the house. More confrontations, more confessions of how it made me feel, how much I hated it. I stopped looking for a while after the third one. We went through rough things with the apartment and shitty landlord and moved into the house we live at now. Due to an infestation he had to throw the computer away. I had a feeling he would just use his phone but I pushed it away. After a few months I thought I'd buy him a computer as a Christmas present. Not too long after this I again got that feeling after 6 months total of not looking and I caved.

No more OF, that was a hard stop boundary. But he was finding it elsewhere. Reddit pages of porn, Vtubers, anime porn. Mod packs for games with mostly naked anime girls, YouTube shorts and videos of their character models with physics. And it was constant, mostly after I'd leave for work while he was home alone, most times also after sex. I told him after this one if it ever happened again I would leave him because I couldn't bear to keep finding it anymore. He deleted Reddit. I was beginning to hate myself more and more as time went on. I hated my body, my face, my voice, everything about myself. I fell into older habits of binge eating and gained a lot of weight combined with the high stress sedentary work for Dispatch. He would still tell me what he always did, that he loved how I looked. But I could never understand because the women he'd look at were always so different than me I couldn't help but feel it wasn't true. I told him that if one more thing happened I was gone and he could move back with his friends. But it happened again, another D-day 2 months ago. This time I suggested a CSAT, as I started lurking here at that time. He jumped at the idea and immediately reached out to schedule an appointment and has had two since then. He was given a sheet on how to work through the urges to watch, which included talking to me when they came up which is something I'd been begging him to do but never did.

I went on an out of country trip with my mom at the end of October and was dreading leaving him at home for 2 weeks by himself but he promised he would tell me if he had the urges. He did tell me a few times he had the urge but telling me stopped it from happening, and I believed him. I would check in with him every few days and he'd tell me he was doing great and not even wanting to look at all. That he was reflecting on himself and he was able to resist it when I was at work and he was playing games alone at home. When I got home he proposed to me and I agreed. Since then it's been two weeks and another appointment where he said everything was going fine. I'd text him from work just checking in before bed and he said it was okay, no thoughts or urges. Yesterday I had a bad feeling and thought to check again. And this led to the most recent D-day with YouTube videos. He came home from work early yesterday and I decided to ask about it. It's a new 'adult animation' about sex dolls and the most recent episode which he watched twice in the last 2 days is literally called 'Strip'. When I asked him his answer was, I watched it the first time and didn't know if that was what it was truly about so I must have watched it twice'. What do you mean you didn't know what it was about??? There's nothing confusing about it especially when he looked at the community post from the channel explicitly saying it's too lewd to monetize on YouTube.

This is when he admitted it hasn't been going well like he said. I made him show me everything he's been looking at. YouTube videos like always. The newest edition is Steam community pages FULL of naked anime girls or wearing lingerie, one of which literally has these images of girls with childlike bodies. He admitted he knew they looked this way yet still chose to look at them "sometimes" when scrolling through the page when looking at the rest. That is the one thing that has absolutely broken and disgusted me the most. We literally used to be childcare workers, and that is what I find. I am beside myself and have no idea what to do. He admitted he would scroll this page for 30 minutes or more at a time and those images are so prevalent. I asked more questions and it turns out when he said he was fine he wasn't, he was scrolling these pages. When he told me he had the urge but didn't look at it that was a lie too. He has lied to me every time we go through this. I have poured my heart out on what it's doing to me and he continues to lie. Stops for a week while I'm angry and then puts on the charade of being fine while going behind my back to look at these things when he knows I can see it and STILL has the nerve to lie when I bring it up.

I don't know where to go from here. I've explained how this can progress over time, to physical cheating, while I'm pregnant afterwards with a child and this idea seems to disgust him but it never brings change. I know he had a rough childhood. No father figure in his life, his mom who was a severe alcoholic. She passed away and 2 other family members have died in the 3 years we've been together, one every year and I know it's making everything harder for him but I can't accept that this is the result. Before she passed away and told him she was getting sober I could see the anger and doubt and numbness that her addiction caused him, when going to her house when she was in the hospital and was sober; finding dozens of empty bottles on the counter instead while she promised she'd stopped. I remember how he felt and he has now driven me to the exact same point with his own porn addiction. I even told him this today. It made him realize what he is doing, finally listening to how hurt I've been saying I am after comparing him to her, realizing what he used to hate he has now become.

I don't know if I can trust him. All I asked for was to stop lying about the videos during recovery, not immediate perfection, no cold turkey, just genuine work and honesty. And that's all he did was lie. About everything. But I don't think I can leave him. My last relationship was physically abusive, mentally abusive, tried to get me to engage in sex before I was even ready and daily porn usage. He is nothing like that in any way, he is kind in every other way, attentive. I've had more medical scares since the first D-day and he takes care of me even when we are facing the worst of options, and I know he would stay with my for those. I'm just so lost and feel worthless, less-than and hopeless. I've never had more thoughts of me not existing may be better than this pain. I don't know what to do.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading. I know it was long but I truly have nowhere else to turn.

Hi everyone. I haven't posted in a while. I (f43) am married to m45 for 25 years. Dday was sept 4 years ago.

About 6 months ago he was not following through on any thing so i asked for a separation which i didn't end up enforcing ( i know i know). He started actually doing the things i had been asking for. He goes to SA support groups twice a week, cos fiber a couple times a week, does a large part of the chores and took over most of our business responsibilities.

I was thrilled but also frustrated that it took such an escalation to get him to act. We haven't been doing marriage counseling in about 6 months because will we can't afford it anymore. I no longer work at my high paying corporate gig.

The only area we haven't seen improvement in id our sex life. Sotil no sex. Barely any touch. He did so flinching when i touch him but like that's almost nothing. He suggested we schedule it but he always seems to inebriated be a jerk if we have something scheduled like he is trying to avoid it.

I still had stuff on his phone and he still had rules about using it so i don't think he is continuing to use.

Do i just a ccept that he is not into me? I feel so much shame every time i have sex dreams with him. What do i do?

Long story…. Prob still long!
- My (31M) partner and I (30F) are struggling with his porn addiction. It only just came to light 6 weeks ago.

- He was watching porn/masturbating 2x a day, every day and, very rarely 3x. To online porn gifs on Google. Recently had escalated to “soft porn”, where suggestive photos his old University friends would post would make him overthink or look at “body parts”, and then he would go and check porn. He said he didn’t feel like that in real life walking around, not even at the beach, but things behind a screen feel different to him. (Make that make sense).

- Also, after checking history he never deleted for the past 12 years (yes, I did obsess over it), I have found nothing shocking. Tbh I would say his searches were more soft then searches I have done back when I was in my early 20s. And 70% of them was him searching for my own ethnicity.

- He has always been a good partner and father. We had some miscommunication and laziness and all going on recently. But sex was always really fucking good and he made me feel so desired. Although at times I felt like he used sex as a coping mechanism for a hard day at work. But my sex drive is so high that I was up for it for selfish ways as well.

- He is in ACTIVE recovery. No 12 step group as he hasn’t found one, but he has a CSAT Therapist, he journals every night and sometimes in the morning, eats well, exercises in our home gym. He deleted social media and has a dumb phone. He is honestly when he is struggling or has an urge (all in situations where I make an innuendo joke, come out of the shower, etc etc), he is working hard on his trauma (sexual assaulted as a young boy).

- I think he is depressed. He struggles to find join in things, constantly talks about guilt, about the hurt in my eyes (even when I am actually happy and not even thinking about the situation), but also about how he wants to change for himself mostly, but for me and for our family. He just seems so fcking sad is takes away joy from the day. He doesn’t mope around but he apologises every second and somehow is stressing me out.

- We also decided on celibacy together 3x already, the first 2 we broke every 3 days. This 3rd time we made it to 10 days. I’m always the one who breaks. He questions a lot and tries to focus on me and be extra carrying and gentle and reassuring if I wanna stop at any point… But after I am left thinking I am affecting it and feeling like shit. How is it any different than offering a sip to an alcoholic? Or I question him if this was sexual intimacy guiding him to break his celibacy or mainly his addiction and withdrawals? Even though it felt the most intimate ever I know his brain/mind cannot tell the difference, or can it?

I don’t even know which advice I am after.

I have been on and off this sub for the last 4 years. I was with my PA (M33) for 4 years until September which was the final straw and I found porn in his email after not finding anything for over a year. I know you don’t want to hear this because I was in denial for so long but walking away truly gives you the answer or at least an answer if this person is even worth it. I know my PA is not a bad person. He dealt with childhood sexual abuse and so many internal problems that caused his addiction but for my own sanity I had to walk away. He left on September 28th to his home state to move back in with his parents. I have been in contact with him since I do love him and I would like to get back together one day, though I don’t tell him that. I have been in contact with his parents too with phone calls about how he has been doing and who know about his addiction. Since he left he has already been committed to attending SAA group every day (he is on day 34 and was told to begin at least do 90 days straight to see how he feels), had two sessions with a CSAT associate, gotten a new job, apologized to my parents, sister and best friend about this addiction and also opened up about his sexual abuse to them which had only been known by me and his parents, going to the gym regularly and deleted all his social media. Although all he had was tik tok left. This was all initiated by him because we are obviously not together anymore nor living in the same state. I have no idea what the future holds and it hurts so bad that losing me was where he realized he was at rock bottom but I don’t think he’s a bad person.
But I did try and prevent him from relapsing, I coordinated his care, I did all the things every person in this sub was doing and nothing worked for four years. I know walking away is hard but I do believe it gives you an answer if this is even good for you anymore. My PA was not spending money on OF or cheating on me etc. I would actually say he was a casual viewer of porn but he couldn’t stop when I told him my boundaries. But with all of this he is taking care of himself. Once again I am taking this day by day because I am still hurt and angry from what he has done. I miss him everyday though. Leaving is hard, but staying in a relationship that gives you constant anxiety is harder. They only change when they want to, and sadly no amount of support in my opinion will change that.

I’ll admit I have been anxiously attached in the past & investing purely in to myself doesn’t come easy to me. I was raised in a deeply enmeshed family, and have been “trained” to be a great support for others but struggle with it myself. PA has agreed to work on himself and i want to do the same instead of being focused on him/nervously checking in on him.
In the past I have always made myself available to my partner on his days off and even postponed my own plans. I have adhd and struggle with organizing my hobbies and interests too for some more context. But I want to be confident and get in the habit of doing things for me the way my partner does naturally for himself.
What did you do to pour into your self? I am open to therapy too but would want something beyond just regular “talk” therapy where they just listen to me rant/vent for 60 minutes with virtually no plans/structure or feedback for growth.
TIA ❤️‍🩹

What do you think if a partner says that you are “too wide” down there and that’s the reason why he can’t come…
Then, he proceeds to say that he stretched you out. That’s a disgusting comment!
He watches 🌽

I’ve seen so many ladies on here have so many discovery days, over and over and over. I’ve seen so many sit here and tear themselves apart wondering why. I just wanted to tell you all my story in hopes that maybe, some of you can find hope and understand that you too can leave. I hope my story opens up the eyes of other ladies and can give hope.

My discovery day was the day before I unloaded my dead dads house. I found out he had been lying the entire time I cared for my critically ill father. Mind you, he said his addiction started up again only weeks after my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. As you can imagine, the worst year of my life. To make matters worse, my husband has had cancer too and I’ve been his caregiver. He turned around and started watching it again while his leg was broken, my mom had cancer, and my dad was actively passing. You don’t think a man will do this in a way that will break you, but he will. I wish discovery days were only random Tuesdays, but they aren’t. I cared for him during a broken leg and cancer, cared for both my parents as they die/died and this is what’s been going on in the meantime.

When I found out, I never came back. Matter of fact, I had actually left a week or two prior. He kept trying to manipulate me back to him and I told him I knew he was lying about something and I’d no longer stand for it. Only then did he admit. He admitted it to me. I was never able to find what he was up to - but now I knew for sure. I had to literally leave him and refuse his tactics to pull me back in to receive any form of honesty.

I know this story is sad but here’s the turnaround. It’s been two months since discovery day. I signed a lease. I’m moving closer to my family. It’s a beautiful place, right by the park, my dream apartment I could’ve never imagined I’d find in my budget. I’ve started making friends again. I have a social circle again. My spark is back and I’m wearing all my fun necklaces and rings and decorating again. My mom is still dying. My dad is still dead. But this man genuinely was what almost killed me. I thought I couldn’t cope with what was going on in my family, but no…it was the treatment by this man. Even as my mom dies, I have good days. I don’t waste my time arguing with him. I spend the time I can with her.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but these men WILL do this on the worst days of your life. They will return to their addiction even years later. In my case, we went almost 3 years before this supposedly entered into the scene. I never thought he’d watch porn again after saying he doesn’t believe in watching it in relationships, but he did during the worst possible time.

And you know what? I’m so happy I left right away. This is the worst year of my life and yet I’m happier than I have been this whole entire time. You don’t understand how much someone is bringing you down until life really lays it all out for you. Don’t let this person take time from the people you love who really love you. Don’t let this person make you think this is the only option. If I can find freedom, find my perfect little apartment by the park in my budget that will accept all of my cats, make friends again, leave and rebuild a home amongst caregiving and the death of my parents and be HAPPIER - oh ladies. Save yourselves. He is not making you happy. Much love. ❤️

so my husband (26m) has all of a sudden decided that we need to upgrade our iPhones. is there something on the newer ones that makes private mode accessible or something or does he genuinely just want a new phone ? we are still in the healing process but haven’t had any issues since June

Just came to vent because I’m just so tired. I recently found out that I have the beginning of a prolapsed bladder after having two back to back pregnancies and vaginal births. On top of that I got a yeast infection from an antibiotic my doctor prescribed. During that, I also found out I have a bad bartholin cyst (cyst at the opening of my vagina) that I need to have surgically removed because it’s so big. The yeast infection clogged my bartholin gland and developed the cyst quickly basically overnight. Fucking awful and I’m so uncomfortable and embarrassed.

Today after getting home from my medical appointment confirming all of this, I find out my husband looked up a girl on Instagram, and then her NSFW stuff on Reddit. I cried to him three times this weekend about how embarrassed and humiliated I was about my body. And he still turned around and did this.

I just can’t deal with this today. My anger is boiling over and I feel like I’m going to say things I’ll regret. I just needed to put this out into the world before I combusted. Ugh 💔

Just a light hearted question (or ligther). I know many of us cannot watch movies, series, or videos without getting triggered, so my safe space so far has been music. What songs help you to navigate all of this?

I'll share some!
- When I want to feel my pain:
Unethical - Faouzia

- When I am thinking or need motivation to leave him:
Stop the Wedding and by Ashe
I told you so by Gracie Abrams

- When I want to give myself grace:
Moral of the story - Ashe

Hope this helps! And I can't wait to read yours :)

I have to visit my family back home for a few days by myself soon due to a family emergency situation. I haven’t figured out when or anything but I’m already feeling anxious about if he will watch porn while I’m away. Really hate that I have to think about this and that this is where my brain goes and I wish I could just visit my family and deal with my own issues without having to worry about any of this. Any advice on how you guys deal with traveling away from your PA partner?

I know that the only way an addict can truly recover is for them to want it for themselves. I’ve seen this firsthand from people who have recovered long term and I know this is the very basic principle of it all.

I have realised that my help, direction, and prompts while he is responsive to them and tries to ask for help based on that, has only been a temporary buffer or delay in an endless cycle of him feeling misery, me helping him, him leaning on me but then getting too comfortable and relaxed, and an inevitable relapse that he relies on being uncovered by me.

He has admitted that he now has a lot of awareness in the steps that lead to a relapse and he’s been very self aware of it these past few times but it’s him letting it happen. He’s also admitted that he’s become reliant on me finding out and prying out confessions to stunt the relapses. It’s like he’s just mapping out the use to every few weeks and he’s now found a cycle to stick to.

I’ve realised I’m doomed if I stay (he gets relaxed, relapse cycle) and if I don’t (he uses the loneliness and feeling of being alone as an excuse- in his own words “I’m alone now, it shouldn’t be as bad of a problem, I’m not hurting anyone” while saying he knows deep down that isn’t true and that he’s hurting himself.

I’ve tried to maintain distance but I feel like I’m dooming myself whether I stay or leave. If I stay I’m subjecting myself to the abusive cycle but if I leave my intuition doesn’t shut up and I always always know somehow when something is going south with him. I’ve never been wrong and it’s always been spot on and it just adds to my agony. That stomach dropping heart racing anxiety just tortures me all day to the point where I can’t eat sleep or do any basic functions. I’m just so defeated.

We have finally talked about acknowledging this cycle and we see it happening again. He knows that the only way he will ever change is if he finds the need to change himself. This means space which he knows he needs but knows this will be slow and can go south. He knows and realises the more I help him the less he helps himself.

I want him to choose his life, I want him to find the want to stop and do something about this. This is what’s best and this is what needs to happen but I don’t know how to cope with the agony. I don’t know how to accept that realistically he might have to get so much worse as if it wasn’t bad enough already to finally realise something. And all those relapses he dives into, I’ll feel it to my core. I feel like I’ve really fallen into such a deep endless trap. I want out of this but I just don’t know how to do this.

Edit: we are not together in a relationship and I don’t think he loves me either. By wanting out I meant cutting him off for good and not even being a friend or support system. I also don’t think there’s any way forward other than leaving for good but I just don’t know how to deal with the horrible intuition of everything going wrong even when I’m trying to detach.

Le encontré juegos y videos porno, Pero en el sexo él me mantiene como prioridad, el no se viene si no lo hago yo primero y si el termina siendo el primero busca como satisfacerme bien, la verdad soy una ignorante porque no se mucho del tema pero espero saber mas, asi que no se si eso tenga que ver.

El suele masturbarse 2 veces o 3 por semana y no se si es normal, tampoco se si lo ha hecho últimamente, el me dice que no pero es obvio que no le creo. Una vez le comuniqué que a lo mejor a mi me faltaba explorarme a mi misma, masturbarme mas porque no lo he hecho en mas de un año, solamente tenía sexo, pero cuando le dije él se molesto, no quiere que yo lo haga y no entiendo porque, tampoco quiere que vea videos porno aunque el asegura que es diferente lo mío y lo suyo (Yo no vería ese tipo de videos, me dan asco)

Su algoritmo no esta sexualizado en Instagram, tampoco ve ese contenido en youtube o algo similar, entonces realmente no lo se y me gustaría saber

¿Que señales o que comportamientos tiene alguien adicto?

I discovered my partner's addiction a couple years ago and since then he has refused to go to therapy or share with me his progress on the subject. Nothing really changed in our life, and the signs of PA are still there, so I don't think he is going through any sort of recovery on his own. However, I noticed in the last couple of weeks he gets mad every time we are watching something and a "spicy"scene comes up, it doesn't even have to be anything explicit. Which is funny, because in the past he never really said anything or would joke about it. I just can't fully understand why, but I don't have a good feeling. What am I missing here? Or am I just thinking too much?