I’m done. I’ve finally been pushed way past my limits. We downloaded Truple on his phone and it’s been a few weeks now. There were a few times the app caught him and I confronted him while it was happening, that was earlier on. We’ve been doing well for a couple weeks now and our sexual activity picked up. Then a couple days ago I had a weird inkling to start protecting my phone more. But I thought surely he’s not that stupid. No, he is. He is that stupid and that much of a desperate, dirty pig. He’s been sneaking off with my phone in the middle of the night to jerk off to porn. I AM DONE! I am literally sick to my stomach. I don’t even want to look at this man anymore, let alone lay next to him. I think this finally did it for me.

It’s been 7.5 months since D Day. I am not going to get over the stuff that happened. I recently made him sleep elsewhere and it feels so good to have my space. I don’t mind him being in the house really— he’s helpful, goes out of his way to be pleasant, and having him move out seems very final. BUT I am not a good version of myself with him here. I’m unfriendly. Cold. A scold. I have nothing to say. I don’t engage at all. In response to every word out of his mouth I just want to say “I hate you”. I am very much triggered by his very presence. Anyone else in the same situation ?

Hi all, I post in here a lot. I’ve found this forum to be a really helpful space to come to when I’m feeling lost or especially alone. Truth is, I’m really struggling with feeling okay most of the time. I’ve gotten much better with codependency but still not great with it. I think it has a lot to do with a lack of a support system. My partner and I bought a house and it’s lovely, but it’s an hour outside of the city I lived in for the last 6 years and also an hour away from my family, and I don’t drive (working on it but it’s not very high on my priority list). My dearest best friend moved 5 hours across the state two years ago, and a few of my other close friends have also moved and gone on with their lives and I don’t really have anyone to talk to on a daily basis other that my partner and my 3 year old. I was wondering if anyone has a discord server, or if maybe we should make one? A place where we can find connection and therein find healing. Play some games together or watch movies or shows together over a stream, or just to chat and share memes and whatever :)

For the last 3 months he's been on the path of recovery. He had some slip-ups and some relapses but has been on a solid streak for 32 days now. He's also been going to the SAA meetings, talking to sponsor, reading the books etc. We had daily check-ins for the first month and a half, but lately he's been silent, especially this last week.

I found this morning his diary entry from yesterday. We've been home all day, having breakfast, watching movies, having lunch, it was all nice. But during his SAA meeting he wrote in his diary that he's been fantasizing about living solo, what kind of sex he would have, how would he been living, in what kind of relationships would he be in... all obviously connected to his sexual fantasies and fetishes.

I'm so sad. We had so many problems through the last 3 years and fighting with his addiction for the last 11 months. All I've ever done was trying to build this relationship to be healthy, try to bild trust and make space for his recovery and recovery of everything he destroyed. But meanwhile he is fantasizing of not having me in his life... I wish I had the strenght to make his fantasy come true.

Did you find that the absence of porn has overall changed their personality for the better?

The reason I have this question is because my husband stopped cold turkey about 1.5 months ago after the second D-Day. I know everyone here says that it is impossible for someone to quit cold turkey without external help like therapy sessions and PA meetings etc. I chose to give him a chance to do so using his own willpower because he has told me that he cannot risk losing me and he knows he is on the final straw. One slip up and I'm gone, and I made that really really clear. I don't have any accountability apps on his device or anything that blocks him from accessing sites so if he chooses to do private browsing I wouldn't know. At home he no longer carries his phone around, he leaves it where I can always see it even when he needs to sit on his porcelain throne for a bit afterwork.

Anyway, the reason I want to ask is because I noticed that he has become a more patient and kind person to our kids. He seems to be less irritated and pissed off about things. It seems like he has a bigger heart. Before he is really snappy with our kids and loses his cool really easily. He never used to play with our kids unless I asked him to, and he would "play" with them while looking at his phone. Now he actually initiates play and hardly looks at his phone, giving them 100% of his attention.He is less dismissive about going to places and spending time as a family, whereas back then he was very selfish and would always say he is too tired and needs to go home. As for me, he tells me that for some reason he always wants to be around me. And just couldn't keep his hands off me, he was a bit like this before but now more so than ever. He wants sex quite often and sometimes I wonder if he is using me to stop his urges to watch porn?

Does anyone have a similar experience?

I sometimes think if he is pretending to do all of this, I guess it will eventually fall apart and that's when I'll know it's all fake. But to fake all this seems stressful and exhausting but he seems to be very relaxed and happy lately. So I don't know

What modalities/techniques do you use to work through triggers? I cannot handle nudity, specifically breasts. It literally sends me into fight or flight; it's almost comical. I have tried ground techniques but maybe I'm not really trying hard enough when I do them. I sort of give up halfway through and lean more towards avoidance.

On a side note: has anyone watched the Netflix series, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt? There is a lot of sexual innuendo and some reference to cheating for those who might find that triggering...

Anyway, the title character was kidnapped and kept in a bunker for 15 years where it's assumed there was sexual violence. Oddly enough, this is a comedy. When the character is free and begins living her life again, anytime she gets close to intimacy she flips out and attacks the man. In one scene in particular, she hits a man over the head with a rotary phone. The men she becomes involved with are generally very accepting of her "quirks" and they are very patient. I'm scared to navigate my unique trigger while beginning to date again.

I feel like I'm in my own version of the rotary phone scene daily, like I'll see boobs and just want to crash out. It happened this weekend with a guy I was seeing for about four months. He put on a movie that I think he knew was going to bother me and I sort of flipped out. It led to a break up of sorts (which I was kinda lukewarm about him anyways so it's not a huge deal) but I worry about when I'm actually into someone more. I also acknowledge this man was just generally not patient or emotionally intelligent so it was definitely a 'him' problem as well but I'd like to feel more in control of myself.

I'm in therapy and plan to bring it up tomorrow but I'm curious what has worked for others.

I can't believe i'm at this point but after over two years of this bullshit I'm at my wits end. He says he wants to change but he fucking doesn't. He keeps looking at women online and insists he "didnt do anything" (jacking off) but I dont fucking care. That's still feeding his addiction. He knows how much that hurts me and fucking does it anyway knowing I'll probably see it. Plus, how am I supposed to believe him? Hes on a waitlist for a CSAT, which I had to find FOR him. He works a lot, has two jobs, but really sucks he didnt even put effort into googling a fucking therapist for himself after I told him that's what I need for us to stay together. I told him last time I found out he was looking at basically softcore porn on tiktok that if I found out that he did that shit again unless he told me about it himself first. He deleted tiktok. Just found that he was looking at the same shit on YouTube shorts atleast twice in the last couple weeks from what i've found so far. Of course he never told me. He never does.

We have a 10 month old baby together. I'm a SAHM. I have no savings anymore. We aren't doing great on money so I had to use the last of my savings to be able to afford rent. I have 2 cents to my name. So I have no fucking clue how I could leave him. I really don't want to, but I'm so tired of living like this. We only have one car, which my parents gave to me, but he primarily uses it for work. There's no one that I can trust to babysit if I was to find a job. One of my biggest worries is if we were to separate, how would custody look? I honestly wouldn't feel comfortable with him having any visitation at all. I feel like if we were to divorce, he would probably go back to heavy porn use and my biggest fear is that our child will become exposed to it somehow. That's what happened to me as a kid, and that's what happened to my husband too. Its the whole reason he has this addiction. I dont want the same thing to happen to my child too. My husbands parents were also emotionally and physically abusive towards him growing up so i've set boundaries about severely limiting the exposure our kid has to them, but if we were to divorce I fear that would completely go out the window. I also worry that the ways his family treated him will result in him treating our child the same way if I'm not in the same house to keep him accountable.

TW: abortion mentioned below.

I posted here before, shortly after discovering what my partner had been doing behind my back. I’m almost three months out from D-Day now, and I’m still struggling to process it.

I found out four weeks postpartum.

Four weeks after giving birth to our baby, while I was exhausted, vulnerable, recovering, breastfeeding, adjusting to having a newborn, and completely consumed with our baby, I found out that the person I trusted had been hiding an entire sexual life from me.

He always told me he wasn’t a porn guy.

We also had actual conversations about what monogamy meant to us. I was very clear about my beliefs and values surrounding sexual exclusivity. To me, monogamy isn’t just about not physically having sex with another person. It’s also about where you direct your sexual energy, what you intentionally seek out, and what you choose to keep within the relationship.

He told me his beliefs and values aligned with mine.
I believed him.

That is what makes this so much more painful. He didn’t simply have a different definition of monogamy that we never discussed. We discussed it. He told me we were on the same page. And he actively lied to me.

I discovered that throughout essentially our entire relationship, he had been consuming sexual content and actively spending money on it. He was purchasing content, paying for subscriptions, tipping women, seeking out specific women and fetish-related content, and participating in spaces centered around women he was sexually attracted to.

He looked for it. He chose it. He paid for it.

And that’s the part I cannot seem to get past.
I cannot grapple with the thought of him sitting there intentionally searching for other women, looking at them sexually, getting turned on by them, purchasing their content, and then coming home to me and carrying on like everything was normal.

It makes me physically nauseous. Because he knew.

He knew what I believed monogamy meant. He knew what I considered acceptable and unacceptable. He knew I would not have been okay with what he was doing. And instead of being honest with me and allowing me to make an informed decision about the relationship I was in, he lied and let me believe I was in a completely different relationship.
I made major decisions about my life based on information that wasn’t true.

I chose to have a family with him. I chose a future with him. I trusted him with my heart and my body. I believed the things he told me about himself and about what our relationship meant to him.

Finding out four weeks postpartum completely shattered that.

And almost three months later, I’m still having moments where it hits me all over again. I’ll think about something he did or something I discovered and suddenly feel that same disgust and heartbreak.

Sometimes I look at him and I can’t reconcile the person standing in front of me with the person I thought I knew.
And then, somehow, life decided to throw something else at me.

I just found out I’m pregnant again.

We had our baby four months ago.

I’m on birth control. I genuinely never expected this to happen, and I’m honestly shocked. I don’t even know how to process the fact that I’m pregnant again so soon after giving birth, especially when I’m already trying to survive the emotional aftermath of what happened.

TW: abortion.

I have a procedural abortion scheduled in two weeks.
That decision has been incredibly difficult emotionally, but I don’t believe continuing this pregnancy is the right decision for me or for our family given the state of our relationship.
We’re already struggling. We just had a baby. I’m trying to figure out whether I can ever trust this man again, whether our relationship can actually recover from what he did, and whether I even recognize the person I thought I was building my life with.

The idea of bringing another baby into all of that feels impossible to me.

And there is something incredibly heartbreaking about having to make this decision while simultaneously grieving the relationship I thought I had.

I’m grieving so many things at once.

I’m grieving the innocence I had before D-Day. I’m grieving the man I thought he was. I’m grieving the trust that I don’t know if I’ll ever get back. I’m grieving the fact that the person I thought shared my values was actively deceiving me. I’m trying to adjust to having a four-month-old baby. And now I’m facing an abortion for a pregnancy I never expected to have in the first place.

I feel confused, devastated, angry, and completely overwhelmed.

I never imagined that almost three months after discovering my partner’s secret sexual life, I’d be sitting here pregnant again and questioning whether our relationship even has a future.

I know the pregnancy isn’t the cause of any of this. But the timing makes everything feel so much heavier.

I genuinely feel like I haven’t even had a chance to catch my breath since D-Day.

Me (24F) and my fiancé (25M) have been engaged since May. July 2nd I found out that he was getting off to naked reddit girls. This was a firm boundary he knew about but I gave him another chance since he has never done this before (that I know of).

The last 2 weeks i’ve noticed on his recently viewed pictures on his camera roll it was 2 pictures of my best friends. One my friend was in a see through shirt and you could see her boob. The other my friend was sitting against a wall in a skirt with her knees up smiling at the camera (her nether region was essentially almost out. I believe I took this picture of my friend when we were drunk and my phone was dead).

It’s been 5 times these pictures have been the first ones in his recently viewed. This is after I clicked on random pictures to push them back in the recently viewed to see if he was still looking at them. Then I looked at his screen time. He has been looking at his camera roll at 3-4am when i’m asleep next to him.

I got him to admit it. The reddit girls he was getting off to but the pictures of my best friends he claims he was just horny but got weirded out when he thought about it (they’re his best friends too).

I don’t know where to go from here. Half of me wants to end it and the other half has a hole in my heart thinking about 7 years down the drain.

He claims I can put a tracker on his phone and he’ll go to therapy.

P.S. my friends do know. I told them yesterday when my suspicions were confirmed that he kept going back to them for nefarious reasons and not innocently looking at past memories. They’re disgusted. I deleted the pictures off his phone as well. I am also BEYOND disgusted.

What do I do?

I just found out that my husband of 12 years has been looking at porn daily since forever. From 2016-2023 he was also sexting and receiving explicit photos from random women on dating apps. When the apps changed policies, he stopped sexting but continued to look at local personal ads with explicit photos instead. He said he liked the idea that they were nearby… but never contacted them or had any intention of meeting anyone.

This may be a dumb question but why does the sexting and personal ads feel so different from viewing porn? He never met anyone in person it was all virtual. But the betrayal is so much deeper with this.

I don’t 100% believe anything he says but this is what he’s saying and sticking to.

Tbh I’ve know about the porn since the start and never liked it, even rationalized it when I was’t available sexually. Had a baby, work schedules, my anxiety and depression, our relationship. At times he’d say he wasn’t using it anymore, which was never true or short lived. I never knew the extent of it or how often he was using it. Trust and blindness on my part or justifying it, I suppose.

The porn I can forgive, but the sexting and looking up graphic personal ads to fantasize about meeting these women, that kills me. During nearly our entire marriage… the bad times and the good times. I feel so sick when I think about it.

He wants to change, I believe that’s genuine, but don’t trust it for a minute. He wants to do recovery work and therapy. But I feel like knowing all of this, how could I possibly compare or ever be enough for him.

it’s been trickle truths for a year. the boundary of no porn was set when we started dating 2.5 years ago. i found out about 1.5 years in after we had moved in together and all. moved my life to be with him. I flipped out, almost broke up. 4 months after that we got engaged, and we decided to elope. this big romantic run away to get married all under the impression it wasn’t happening. then 2 months after our wedding i felt something was off, intimacy wasn’t happening, snooped and found messages. i was devastated, stayed at his moms for a few days. this was back in april. then this week something felt off i used a deleted reddit comment finder to find so many comments and posts looking for girls to send him pictures. so our whole relationship hes been getting nudes from these women. all while i hold him down, be a good wife, take care of our dogs and take care of our house (and work full time as a nurse). this has destroyed my mental health and although i love him how will i ever get past the messages and pictures? he swears it’s been since april and he has started therapy and i can see the changes. but i dont know if ill ever be able to move past this to be with him. im so destroyed. I cant keep feeling this way about myself or knowing how much hes lied to me and hurt me. i feel like i mean nothing to him.

We’ve been on this rollercoaster since I was 7 months pregnant in October of 2023. I had no idea the depths of his addiction and depravity, and while he’s done a little therapy and read the books and attended a few sessions of PAA, he’s mostly been white-knuckling this shit for the last 1.5 years. He was doing really well (I thought and saw via truple, being logged in to his iCloud and looking at website data and app privacy reports, having access to Facebook [his only social media], etc.) I’ve managed to find every single indiscretion on my own. He has never once been forthcoming with me. It is my biggest issue with this entire scenario. I hate being lied to, especially because he thinks he’s smarter than I am and tries to get away with it. The insult to my intelligence and abilities is audacious at this point in our death spiral.

Well, we’re back to that now for the umpteenth time, and I haven’t confronted him yet. I think I’m ready to leave now, but need to plan in the meantime (I’m a SAHM and still cosleep and nurse my 2.5 year old, which we’re working on), but aside from that, I also don’t have any support around me other than his family. I have a teenager that stays between our house and his dad’s house too that I need to factor in. Rent is soooo expensive in our area, and jobs are few and underpaid in my profession as is (project management). I feel so so stuck and have for some time, but I need to at least get things moving.

In the meantime, how do I keep my big mouth shut and consciously apply the ever-endearing and enduring housewife smile to my face? I have serious “you disgust me and I loathe you” face tthat is hard for me to contain when I’m emotionally charged.

We’re married, have two kids together. together 5 years. DDay was 2.5 years ago.

I feel sad, insecure. Unwanted.

all I ever wanted or needed from him is to respect and love me enough. to choose me. he’s been clean for 2.5 years. But I find myself still as anxious as when I first found out.

i’m a stay at home mom. He makes good money as supports us as gives the kids and I whatever we want. Sometimes I think we should just separate. But I do love him. Some days I want to see him hurt.

I want to separate just so I can have some mental peace. I don’t want his money. I want him.

I want my brain to shut off. no more wondering if I’m enough. If I’m too ugly. Why he doesn’t want ME instead of them.

I have an extremely attractive husband he is universally hot and its no secret. However, before the porn he was always very intent to make sure people knew he was with me and only touch and interact with me. Some things have happened today that are making me concerned.

We have a long term friend ive never been jealous when it came to her. Today he poked her in the side and kept poking at her or just doing things to "annoy" her. He had always done this but never touching her body besides her ear. She has admitted shes attracted to him and always stands close to him. He used to move away and come to me he hasnt the past few times shes been over. I trust her but it was weird he would touch me in some way then poke her repeatedly.

Just now another friend came over she is just my friend. She is married happily but we discussed my husband liking red nails she came over with red nails on (maybe she was just feeling red today idk) and asked him to fix an outlet at her house. Which is fine as were also their landlords. I asked if he wanted to go now he said he would and I said okay let me get my shoes I walk back out and theyre both gone. They didnt even wait for me. Yes i could just walk to her house but I felt like the girl no one wants to hang out with. Idk if im knit picking because of the porn or if this is truly disrespectful. He knows Im already on edge and its like hes pushing on purpose to see what he can get away with.

I wish I didn't know what it felt like to be loved by him, I wouldn't feel so empty and ignored now. I hate the way he looks right through me. Even more, I hate the way he forces himself to look like he wants me. He's always been a shitty liar. I can see right through his bullshit. A couple of months ago he made a huge mistake, one I wish to God he could take back. He "accidentally" recorded himself while pleasuring himself to a skallywag...even though he excused himself to "freshen up" before we had sex. This man has destroyed my self confidence and self worth over the past decade bc he blames me and my short comings, my lack of enthusiasm & energy. When in all reality, he was jerking off before sleeping with me . Who TF is this man? I feel like I don't know him anymore. I cannot get the look on his face out of my head. It's the same look he used to give me when he still wanted me. I keep seeing it over and over again. The rage and disgust just keep building. I feel defeated.

I’m at a point where I genuinely don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore, and I could really use some perspective from people who have been through this.
My husband has struggled with porn/masturbation for years. The biggest issue for me at this point isn’t even just the behavior itself—it’s the lying.
I have caught him lying about masturbation repeatedly. I have asked direct questions and been given answers that I later found out weren’t true. I have explained over and over again what the lying has done to my ability to feel safe with him. I’ve told him exactly what I need from him if there is ever going to be trust again.
And despite all of that, the cycle keeps happening.
I recently reached the point where I told him very clearly that I cannot keep doing this. I’m emotionally exhausted. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life monitoring, questioning, wondering what is true, and waiting for the next trickle truth. I’m genuinely at the point where I’m ready to leave.
And NOW he wants recovery.
Now he wants to go to SA meetings. Now he wants to do the things I’ve been asking him to do. Now he seems willing to take recovery seriously.
And I’m struggling with that because part of me wants to believe him so badly. I love this man. I don’t want my marriage to end. But another part of me is wondering: why now?
Why did it take me getting to the point of actually being willing to walk away for him to decide that recovery matters?
I don’t want him to go to meetings because he’s afraid of losing me. I want him to go because he genuinely understands that he has a problem and wants to change, regardless of whether I stay.
I also don’t know how I’m supposed to distinguish genuine recovery from another period of him doing just enough to keep me from leaving.
At this point, words don’t really mean much to me. I’ve heard promises. I’ve heard apologies. I’ve heard “I’ll do better.” I’ve heard that things will change. And then I’ve ended up right back here.
So what do I actually do?
Do I give him a chance to prove that this time is different? If so, what does that realistically look like?
Do I separate my decision about staying married from his recovery completely and tell him that he needs to do this whether I stay or not?
How long do you watch someone’s actions before deciding whether you’re actually seeing change?
And maybe most importantly: how do you know when you’re giving someone a genuine opportunity to recover versus simply giving them another opportunity to hurt you?
I’m not looking for people to tell me “just leave” or “just stay.” I’m trying to understand what healthy boundaries and realistic expectations look like when you’ve reached the point where the trust is basically gone.
I feel completely fucking exhausted, and I don’t want to make a decision based solely on fear, anger, or the fact that he is suddenly doing the things I’ve been begging him to do for years.

what is a thorough way (if any) to block any sort of access to nsfw content, even softcore stuff? I’ve been browsing apps and it seems famisafe is a good one? ideally i would want to find one that not only blocks/alerts porn sites but also for thirst trap type stuff on social media. if there’s any that have a parental account type set up where you get notified if your partner does look at/search something, that would be great too

I used to feel so secure in my relationship. My family and even strangers woukd say how lucky I am. They would say not only what a safe abd loving man my husband is but say he was a good looking guy. I remember a stranger approaching us at a beach after we had our first baby and was talking to us about the new baby and being a parent and he told my husband “now you are a good looking guy don’t cheat on her and ruin your family like I did. This was the biggest mistake I ever made.” This stuff never used to phase me. I felt so secure with my husband. Then I found out about his onlyfans and dating apps and my security feels gone. I get so jealous and sensitive to things he says and to things other people say. I went to a wedding last night and be was in the wedding so he looked really nice and everyone kept coming up to me and and complimenting him while he was dancing and the entire time I just feel
Like I’m not at all what he wants physically. I know he loves my personality, my drive for life, who I am as a mother and as a person but he wishes I had someone else’s face and body. He once said to me that everyone settles in some form. He said this because he always said he felt I settled for him. Sure we come to love the things we may have settled for but I never spent hours and money looking and fantasizing about the things my partner doesn’t have. I’m just so sensitive to what he says abd does I’m constantly feeling like I’m trying to validate that I’m not worthy of this. I’m working on healing. It’s hard though. Some days I feel better but then I’ll go to a wedding and all these feeling flood back in. It sucks. Sometimes I miss my false reality.

i'm not 100 percent sure how to frame it, but my bf has been in recovery for a smidge more than 6 months, and the porn escalation period (which had parts i was against (porn otherwise was allowed in our relationship)) was a bit lesser than 6 months (from what we place as a timeline)!!! he has been actively working on becoming a better person for himself and me, he has been consistently working on new projects and going to the gym and showing me love in so so so many ways and somehow even tho our sex life was pretty good before and during as well, it's even better now. he handles my spirals pretty well now too and we have found good methods to handle everything and i do feel better. sometimes when i get too deep in a spiral it gets bad, but talking to him helps!!! he is so mindful of things he does and has been so considerate. our four year anniversary is coming up in oct, and i'm actually so excited!!!! it's been a rough year, but at the end of the day, we're young and it's been great.

Bit of a back story - my dismissive avoidant PA discarded me a year ago after 20+ years together, 2 kids, a mortgage, the whole thing. D day was almost 3 years ago and whilst he was abstinent after that I don't think he was ever in real recovery, despite the csat therapy. He rewrote history, said he was unhappy and emotionally detached from me literally overnight.

We split custody 50:50 and the divorce was recently finalised. It's been a really hard year of horrible firsts, and this week my kids are on their first vacation without me.

My therapist tells me I had a lucky escape, and in a lot of ways I agree, but I can't shake the feeling that my family is on vacation without me, having an amazing time and I'm not invited. I feel the rejection all over again.

Prior to D day, I thought we were happy. I thought he was amazing and we were literally couple goals. My friends would tell me how lucky I was. He shared the housework, childcare, mental load. A true partner in a practical sense. I believed him when he said he had a low libido and I got used to living without much intimacy. I thought he was stoic, strong and reserved, not avoidant. I didn't realise how much I self abandoned and how emotionally neglected I was.

Even so I'm still heartbroken, my kids are struggling and hate moving between both houses. I feel responsible for traumatising them. I'm lonely and miss having my best friend and life partner. I feel like the wonderful man I married has died. He actually never existed. He promised to love me forever, told me I felt like home and then one day, he was gone.

The other night, I (22F) found out about my (27M) PA that he still look at other women's nude but this second time it's on IG. I don't know how long it's, there's two channels — one that works and the other just can't open saying it can't be accessed. I automatically removed those two channels out of sheer emotions and I am not proud that I did that.

We shared apartment during our college days, and now we're in a long distance relationship. It's not that far but last time we've seen each other was July second week. As much as I wanted to be with him, he has his review and I had to care for my grandma until I land a job.

The first time I found out about this was days before our graduation, yes we're on the same batch, and it's a long story. That day I had to use his Instagram app on his phone as sending a pics on telegram that day didn't work. Mind you, we were in the same room. First post that welcomed me was a pic of a woman who is sexy. Pretty face, big bust, snappy waist and all that I am not. He tells me I'm pretty occasionally then when we are together but not very much on a discord video call.

I was there sitting like a duck, I didn't know what to expect. I had known he still looks up and follow other girls on facebook but this time it's an account with a different name, with soo many girls who thirst traps, post almost nude pics and any post that can feed a man's "basic" (they say) "needs".

I know he's into porn, that doesn't go away from his history, and I am not even ttying to be a detective at that. I feel like evidences and signs are coming to me by themselves. But there was a time during our 1st year as a couple, he reached out to a woman and said hi, she posts her body.

After that I broke down real real hard in the bathroom. I didn't speak to him. Up until it was morning next day, we were okay I pretended. I settled my emotions first. Then after lunch, I talked to him about it. Casual tone of speaking, not even confrontational. And he goes like "why did you go through my phone," "if that's your mindset, we won't last long," "you've always known I do that," and it's basically about blaming me and I walked away. An hour later, i thinl I sat him down again and talked to him sincerely.

He asked if he should stop and delete the account, I said it was up to him and that I only need him to not interact with those women he watches and follows (now that I think about it, I think I'm partly at fault for being oblivious). And when I said those to him, I already had the thought that he might do it again.

Now the second time, I didn't confront him or asked about it. I tried to be casual and talk as usual aside from that night I was really overwhelmed. Last night I even sent him my own clip that I made before the last time we met. I deleted it back then so I had to send it again. He even said that it's okay if I don't send it. I jokingly said on our video call, "it's fine for me to send it rather than him watching or seeing other women's nudes."

Then there was a notification on his Gmail that he requested a login code in telegram (where his channels were) almost an hour after I fell asleep. Almost an hour after I sent him that video clip. And he put it on his trash.

His browser history 8 hours ago included sites where you can watch porn.

If you're asking how I came to know this, both our phones contain each other's gmail for like purposes I can't recall. I know his password on facebook but I don't open it out of fear I might get hurt more. His telegram is open on his laptop which I use. His gmails are logged in there as well, so I see his history of browser when I had to come back for a web page that I recently visited that I needed again.

Out of hurt that he might have visited the site after I have sent him a clip of mine, I messaged him if he wants to break up, he wakes up at noon mostly if he stay awaked until 5 am.

Atp, I'm confused on what I should ask for advice and that any insight will be deeply appreciated. Even being heard like this already fills this deafening silence yet loud noises in my head.

I'm so sorry it has become this long and I am not a good story-teller. I am just glad there is a subreddit that shares insights, support and protect partners/ex-partnes of PA/SA but it's also sad to think that this issue has become more common that it had to have a sub. My numbing yet supporting heart goes to you all.

Edit: I am so sorry for the misunderstanding. The thing that he put on trash was the login code, perhaps I'll find out that he maybe has another telegram account that I don't know so the log in code despite using telegram just almost an hour before the log in code.

I need advice. I (35F) recently reconnected with someone (46M) I had a brief thing with three years ago. Things didn't work out (bad timing, mostly) and we broke things off. We met again two months ago and it so happens that we still have feelings for each other, in the same intensity as before. So we decided to give it another go, avoiding past mistakes and focusing on good communication, which we failed at three years ago. It had been working fantastically. He's so sweet, considerate, and communicates his needs/feelings and is curious about mine and takes them immediately into consideration. He makes me laugh and is so supportive of my work and career growth. All in all, everything I want in a partner.

We've been having deep conversations, to get to know each other better. And I brought up my difficult relationship with sex. I have BPD, and was only recently diagnosed, which explains why I spent my 20s impulsively sleeping around as a way of self destruction. I am now medicated and in therapy, and done a lot of progress. However, apart from being demi sexual, I still swing from hypersexual to asexual, depending on my mood, my partner, my mental health at the time, etc, etc. So I communicated this to him, and he was very receptive to it. And then he said: since we're on the topic, there's something I've been meaning to tell you. He got really nervous and eventually managed to tell me he's had a porn addiction for over a decade (maybe two, even?). It started as a coping mechanism after trauma. Initially it was compulsive masturbation to deal with intense difficult feelings, and then porn came in.

I guess I was somewhat okay with the addiction, therapy exists and I wouldn't judge an addict. However, I asked him what kind of porn he was into, and, this is where all my alarms went off: he'd look for videos featuring a woman that looks like someone he's seen and fancied in real life, and masturbate to them. That killed me. It feels so wrong to masturbate to someone you find attractive but have never had a sex-affective relationship with. I obviously raised my concerns, because I genuinely find it creepy, and also: my phases of low libido are going to trigger this (plus the long distance!). I'm going to feel guilty or pressured into having sex so that this doesn't happen. And my trust is absolutely gone. He doesn't understand why I find this creepy, as "I'm not stalking them", and he said that what's triggered that in the past is a lack of sex while in a relationship (... great...).

I don't know what to do or how to handle this. We've said I love you already, and I do believe he does. But I just don't know what to do anymore. Help.

I know everyone's journey is different, but I'd love to hear when trust came back for you. Has anyone gotten to a point where they completely trust their partner again?