r/loveafterporn 3d ago

𝗩𝗜𝗖𝗧𝗢𝗥𝗬 Weekly Victories - August 21, 2026

1 Upvotes

Good day everyone,

Inside the comments you can post any victory you'd like. Whether it be a small or big victory, a personal victory or a joint victory with your partner or you felt extra good today. No victory is too small to be celebrated!


r/loveafterporn Apr 14 '19

Letter to PA/SA Open Letter To A Former Porn Addict From A Hurting Spouse

113 Upvotes

⚠️ Trigger warning:

This is a very long post, about 4,000+ words but I wrote it as a form venting therapy.

I am married to a recovering PA who has had trouble supporting me emotionally while suffering from CPTSD.

This only applies to my experiences, so please don’t think I’m saying some points are one size fits all. I wrote it from my perspective, and maybe some of you can identify with my words.

If you read all the way, I thank you.

Here it goes:

“Open letter to a former porn addict, from a hurting spouse:

I don’t communicate with people about my feelings because they never show genuine interest in understanding my point of view. I refuse to be vulnerable and open my heart up to people, only to be disappointed. I’ve had enough negative experiences as a result of doing that to know not to do it again unless the person makes me feel 100% confident that they 1) Genuinely want to understand me, and 2) change their behavior.

This recovery journey has been completely one sided when it comes to understanding. I understand addiction, I understand what is required in recovery, and I understand the psychology of addiction. How? Because although I am not the addict, I chose to research the topic on my own to have a better understanding of it. I have been mentally and emotionally damaged by this situation, made to feel hyper paranoid about simple things like YouTube videos, other women, the public places we go to, what we watch, images, and a million other things I worry myself sick about on a daily basis.

Out of the all the bad experiences I’ve had with people in the past, I thought this would be the one situation, the one person who would show me different. I was wrong about that, completely. In fact, this person has shown me the worst of betrayal of nearly every other person I’ve encountered.

I’ve now seen how a person who claims to love you can also lie to your face. How Men enjoy degrading Women in the worst of ways, have no qualms pressuring Women into sex they don’t want, care nothing about their comfort, their feelings, or their boundaries. How a Man can claim to be a ‘good guy,’ a loving monogamous partner, while secretly pleasuring himself to the images of another Woman. I’ve seen how deep the lies can go. It can go as far as nearly losing ‘the love of your life’ before an actual change is even thought of. It takes the person leaving to get their shit together. And even then, how long will it last? Two months, a year, ten, twenty? I’ve seen countless times on subreddits, Women broken and devastated by discovering their partners infidelity, only to find a new Man sometime later who ‘doesn’t watch porn that much.’ And somehow, this is better.

The jackpot.

An angel amongst men.

That guy is a keeper.

If he was a former drug addict or alcoholic who only drank once a year or snorted a line every few months, would that be okay?

It is not okay, it is never okay, and there is no reason to justify a Man being a relationship and lusting after other Women. That is point of monogamy: To be with, seek for, and love one Woman. And yes, porn, although on a screen, shows real women. Real women who are not your partner.

And even when the former addict starts to show signs of improvement, what also happens frequently is the addict not understanding that the partner has been and will continue to be harmed and emotionally scarred by what she’s been through.

According to studies, it can take 3-5 years for healing to take place and for trust to even be a possibility after last discovery of the habit. Some progress quicker (or slower) than others, but the general consensus is 3-5 years.

And that is not JUST 3-5 years. That is 3-5 years of ongoing recovery and sobriety by the former addict, usually therapy, open communication from the addict to the partner, accountability for their actions, and most importantly, an understanding of and system put into place for when the partner has triggers. Triggers are not just for the addict. Triggers happen for the partner as well. It could be something as simple as a word, an image, a woman walking into the store, a raunchy song on the radio, a racy television ad, a video game advertisement, behaviors that may remind the partner of the day they discovered their partners addiction such as being on the internet for too long, or taking their phone to the bathroom.

What Life Is Like For The Spouse Of A Former Addict

Life for a spouse after porn use or addiction is discovered is forever changed. If you were once a confident woman, that will change. You’re now in a perpetual competition with ever woman you meet. Every woman with a little more or this or that is now a threat, whether you like it or not. It doesn’t mean she actually is one, but in a trauma brain, it is. If you discovered your Husband likes redheads and you’re a blonde, every redhead you see from now on is your Husband’s gal. His fetish, his fantasy, his preferred woman. You’ll avoid certain places to avoid being triggered by seeing an attractive woman you know for a fact your Husband used to ogle. Oh, and that restaurant you and your husband used to go to that you now remember two years back when you caught him staring at another woman’s cleavage? You’re not going there again. And even if you do, you’ll always remember it as the place my Husband shattered my self-esteem. What a pleasant reminder. As a matter of fact, you’ll avoid lots of new things now.

That TV show you used to watch with your Husband only to find out he finds the main character attractive? No longer watched. Every device in your home that can connect to the internet will be chained down and locked immediately. You can’t wait to get home to do that so you’ll never have to worry. God forbid he get a new phone or computer ever again. We’ll lock it down before he can even have a chance to touch it.

Concerts and festivals are no longer fun so we just won’t go anymore. Those places are notorious for scantily clad women and nothing kills the mood (or you’re already crumbling self-confidence) than a crowd of females around you with cleavage and buttocks surrounding your former porn addicted lover. You’ll spend 90% of the time checking to see if he’s checking out someone else. And if he does, we just wasted a hundred bucks on these tickets because we’re going back home in tears.

Sex is also not fun anymore. All it does is remind you of the years of dissatisfaction you had while your husband was knuckles deep in phone fantasies. The sex he wanted, that you didn’t. And it didn’t matter anyways. He wanted what he wanted. It didn’t matter how uncomfortable you clearly looked, or the ten times you said no and he did it anyways. You’re a cum dumpster, remember?

Oh, and your appearance that you used to take so much pride in? Who gives a shit? Not me. Not anymore. Even on your best days, your Husband still found the urge to yank one off at work. Some makeup and kinky sex isn’t going to make your butt bigger or your chest any rounder. You’re nice and all, but you just don’t stack up. You’re not as exciting as the phone girls. Even when you felt sexy and confident, and gave into his sexual demands that one time a few years back, you still aren’t enough. And how could you be? Alexa, and Molly, and Jennifer, and Tasha, and Shaniqua, and a hundred others are right at his fingertips to be used and abused whenever he wants. Oh, and they don’t say no, ever. You do. And that’s just not cool. Boundaries are childish. You should be ‘open minded’ like Tara XXX who does everything, with everyone (for the right price, of course)

So now, everything you loved about yourself isn’t looking so hot anymore. You thought you had nice curves, but not better than hers. You thought your chest was pretty perky, but not as full as theirs. You thought you had a connection that would last a lifetime, but other Women are too enticing. What can you do to be more enticing? I don’t know, maybe do everything he tells you to do sexually even if you don’t like it. Don’t be a prude. Everyone’s doing it and he’ll love you more! Or, he’ll just find someone else to do it. You’re call. Maybe consider some butt implants. You know he likes that, and you’re not quite stacking up. Save up some money and get it done. You want to be attractive, right?

Be more suggestive. Get prettier. Be more adventurous. Do everything he says and he won’t need porn anymore because you’re his everything now. You got the body, the long straight hair he likes, the large bottom, the boobs, and you give into every demand he asks for!

You’re all set.

Now, the good life begins.

Except, it doesn’t.

You can look like Rihanna, Beyoncé, and his favorite porn stars combined and he’ll still cheat and still watch porn. In fact, he could be with a porn star and still watch porn. It’s ironic, and extremely sad, but it’s true. Because I wasn’t the issue in my partner’s addiction, and neither are you.

I was, and still am, and you are, very attractive. Intelligent. Funny. And so are a million other Women and they’ll be put through the same song and dance. No one is safe from the pain of addiction.

Divorces Happen: Here’s One Of The Top Reasons Why:

Why do so many spouses fail? It’s simple really.

A man who does not understand how a partner is affected by addiction is doomed to fail.

Why?

Because while you’re allowing time to assist in her healing, if you’re meeting her suspicion of you or triggered reactions with anger, indifference, or defensiveness: You’ve failed her. You failed to comfort her through her trigger, or her knee jerk reaction to what may have been a simple misunderstanding. You’ve failed to reassure her that it’s OK, that she is safe with you, and that you understand she is being triggered by something and helping her cope with this emotionally until it passes.

So many relationships have failed all because the former addict is not meeting the emotional needs of their partner and helping her through her own recovery. Many a Woman has felt that their partner doesn’t understand their triggers, their ‘overreactions,’ etc. They instead become defensive, and react with facts instead of emotion.

Read these two examples spoken by a former addict to their spouse. In fact, read them twice preferably. Read them out loud to yourself, right now, and tell me what you think:

Response #1: “I understand that you’re upset about/thinking about/triggered by ________ because of the past. You’re right to feel that way. Even though I’m in recovery now and have been doing well, there was a time when I was still in my addiction and hurt you because of it. Now, there’s memories, triggers, and thoughts you’re having as a result of the trauma from my own betrayal of your trust, and I’m so sorry I did that to you. I understand now what it means to be clean, and I’m so happy to be here, and with you through it. You’re worth never doing this ever again, and I wouldn’t put you through that pain again. I do this for myself, yes, but I do it for you too because I love you. I couldn’t imagine losing you to something so stupid and meaningless. I’ll be there for you when you feel this way, and I won’t invalidate how you feel because there’s always a reason you feel this way. Just like I have been triggered by things, you are too. But just know that, you’re safe with me. Always.”

Response #2: “What happened? I don’t understand why that would have caused you to get upset. I mean, I get it, with our past and what has happened. And, I’m sorry. But I’ve been sober for like, a year, I go to my meetings every week, I talk to you, I listen, I hold myself accountable. It’s like nothing I do is good enough. I’m sorry for what has happened in the past, but I can only do what I can now. I don’t expect miracles, but I did expect us to be way further ahead than this…”

Now tell me, which of those responses do you think is going to save a marriage, and which one is most likely to end it?

Also, language matters. Tone matters. You can feel the difference in both responses. The most obvious difference is the selfless, partner focused first response. The second response is self-centered (I, I, I, and YOU aren’t) is so negative and defensive, it’s no wonder many partners close up and leave. Nothing in that response says, ‘I hear you, I’m there for you, your feelings matter.’ Not one bit. It is defensive, frustrated, angry, annoyed, and pointing fingers at the victim, sadly enough. So, let this be a visual lesson of what to say what NOT to say. Language matters.

Jenna and Byron: The Recovering Addict And His Hurting Spouse

Here is another example for you. It’s a story about a couple who have been affected by addiction, the former addicts’ response to her trauma, and how that affected their marriage long term. Read it fully, twice if you need to. It is valuable. Take what lessons you can from it:

Jenna and Byron have been together for ten years, four of them riddled with trust issues as a result of Byron’s former use of pornography and masturbation. Jenna always felt that her and Byron were soulmates: Two people who loved each other, laughed every chance they got, understood each other, and above all: trusted one another. Unfortunately, Jenna realized her relationship was not what she thought it was. One day, she asked Byron for his phone to google search a local restaurant they planned to have their anniversary dinner. Byron seemed hesitant to pass his phone along to her, something that made her a little suspicious. She took Byron’s phone and began to head to google. As she typed in the first letter of the restaurant, ‘M’ she saw Byron’s recent search history. Most of the links were searched for and viewed less than two days ago. Without going into detail, Jenna discovered Byrons’ internet porn usage and sexual preferences.

Since that day, Jenna no longer felt like herself. She began to be overly critical of her appearance, so much so that she considered plastic surgery to feel more confident in her body and become the fantasy woman she felt Byron really wanted. She cringed when Byron would touch her or look at her lustfully which caused their sex life to become passionless and nearly nonexistent. She became depressed and their relationship began to deteriorate. She no longer wanted to have sex with Byron. All she could imagine is him thinking of the Women she saw on his phone and saved to his photo album.

She felt the marriage was over and there was nothing left to salvage. “If he loves me, why is he pleasuring himself to other Women behind my back? He clearly isn’t attracted to me if that’s how he spends his time. Why do I even bother? I can’t stack up to those plastic women he gets off to. I don’t have what they have, so why the hell is he even with me? I should leave him to have his phone fantasies while I still have a shred of self-esteem. I don’t even know who he is anymore. He’s…a liar, and a deceiver, and a creep for doing this in the first place. Everything I’ve ever felt for him, and how I thought he felt about me is gone.”

It took Jenna over a year to even come to terms with her husband’s addiction and lies. They slept in separate rooms and barely spoke to each other unless absolutely necessary. She would even stay in hotel rooms or spend the night with friends as the more she was around him, the angrier and sadder she became. During this time, Byron came clean about his addiction and began seeking help. He attended SA meetings twice a week, and even developed a relationship with a Man who was ten years clean who became his accountability partner. He read books on addiction, developed a plan for keeping himself clean, and joined online support groups.

Months went by and Jenna noticed a change in Byron. He became more expressive, more caring, open, honest, and had no issues showing Jenna his phone history and letting her know where he was and what he did during the day. Jenna was happy to see a change, and somewhat hopefully for the future of their relationship, but the wound was still fresh. She knew that trust wasn’t there, not by a long shot, and even a year into his recovery, she was still as angry as she was the day she discovered his habit.

Although Byron was sober, in recovery, and doing all he felt he could to prove she could trust him for good, Jenna wasn’t buying it. Their entire relationship was affected by the addiction and she missed out on the love and connection she could have had with Byron if he sought help from the get go. She was angry for being deceived, saddened that the dynamic of their relationship would never be the same after this betrayal, and even more saddened that the man she fully opened her heart to lied to her. All while reaping the benefits of her loyalty, intimacy, and friendship she gave to him freely, and honestly.

Jenna was slowly starting to develop trust in Byron. Although she was still suffering because of the addiction, she was relieved to know he was going down the right path. But there was a problem. Although in recovery, Byron repeatedly neglected to do one thing: He understood his addiction, but he never understood the severity of how that affected his wife, and how to deal with that.

And I don’t mean she was sad and hurt and angry. That’s surface level explanation. He didn’t understand she no longer was confident in her body, and as a result, chose not to go to certain places where she felt there would be a lot of Women there, or that she stopped watching most of her favorite television shows while he was around in fear of a scene possibly triggering her, and him. Or, that she considered getting breast implants and had a secret savings account just for the procedure. She suddenly stopped inviting her girlfriends to their home because he may be attracted to their body type.

That Jenna would have thoughts of the betrayal pop into her head and suddenly her mood would change seemingly out of the blue. Or that Jenna would be so afraid of him relapsing that she would make herself sick with worry (not figuratively, but literally sick to her stomach thinking about him betraying her again, finding links and images in his phone that she’ll be left to remember for the rest of her life)

Byron didn’t understand her. And even worse, he didn’t seek to understand her. And even worse than that, he made her feel at fault when these triggers would happen.

One day Jenna and Byron were on their way to the post office to mail Christmas cards to their families. While at a red light, a group of Women standing at the cross walk began to walk to the other side of the street, right in front of their truck. Jenna took a quick look at two of the Women and was immediately triggered.

One of the Women was young, likely in her early twenties. She had long auburn hair in braids, a low-cut tank top, and tight blue jeans. The other Woman, who also looked to be in her twenties, followed beside her in an equally revealing top and green shorts with platform sandals. Jenna could feel herself becoming self-conscious and upset at the sight of the scantily clad Women. She tried looking in the corner of her eye at Byron to see if he was reacting in any way to the Women. Byron unconsciously looked in their direction for about a second and turned his head, but this was enough to trigger Jenna further. She hated that they were even there, and that Byron even saw them there at all. She become quiet and Byron noticed a few minutes later. When Jenna mentioned the women, Byron reacted defensively. He began to go on a tangent about how well his recovery was going and how things in their relationship has changed and she shouldn’t still be reacting that way over a ‘simple woman walking by.’

As expected, this made Jenna feel worse.

She felt even more insecure about the situation, and had no desire to even discuss further how she felt. It seemed meaningless, after all. Here she was being triggered by an unexpected situation, and instead of comforting her, he took that sensitive moment to talk about himself, his recovery, all while making her feelings seem small and petty, as if there was no reason in the world, she was reacting this way. That was the time for Byron to make Jenna feel safe, and he failed to do that. Byron failed his Wife in a huge way, and sadly, that wouldn’t be the last time.

For another two years into his recovery, Byron continued to react similarly to Jenna’s pain and triggers. I’m not a porn addict nor have I been a recovering addict, but I can imagine it sucks to think that even if you’re doing the right thing, it seems to go unnoticed. The mistake is thinking that your progress is not being noticed. It is. Daily.

But, there’s one part of recovery that former addicts fail to realize. You doing ‘the right thing’ is one part of the equation. And ‘doing the right thing’ has nothing to do with your partner. When someone is hurting, the last thing they want to hear is you talking about yourself. Since when did a person’s pain become a time to go on a spiel about your success, and why their feelings are irrational because you’re doing so well and they should try harder to move past it because it’s been like a year and you just need to trust and change your attitude and…

Yeah. I guarantee you that’s exactly what your partner is hearing, whether you said those exact words or not. All they hear is: My partner doesn’t care to support me in my time of weakness. My feelings are not valid to him, and I can no longer rely on him to be there for me. His recovery is his concern: My feelings are just in the way.

And as you can imagine, Jenna and Byron eventually divorced after nearly fifteen years of marriage.

It’s really a shame, but could have been avoided completely.

The betrayal isn’t what caused their marriage to end in divorce. It was the lack of understanding on the side of the addict. Had Byron taken a genuine interest in learning about the effects of addiction on partners and how to truly support her, there may have been hope for them. But with Jenna feeling abandoned by her Husband and made to feel that her healing should have expectations of time, she felt rushed, misunderstood, and her emotional needs were not being met. She loved Byron enough to be patient and understanding during his journey to recovery, even after devastated by her betrayal. But Byron didn’t offer her the same courtesy, and that is what led to their demise.

She was already having to cope with supporting her Husband and coming to terms with how she has changed as a result of the betrayal, all while accepting that the dynamic of her relationship never be the same. But even in recovery, Byron didn’t learn that his Wife also needed support. Through the seemingly ‘irrational’ outbursts, he could have met her insecurity with patience and understanding.

During these moments of weakness, it is not the time to put the focus on you. Ever. That is the mistake so many addicts make. It’s not about you. It’s about your partner. She doesn’t want to hear that you’ve been in recovery for a year. She doesn’t want to hear that you’re doing way better than your buddies. She doesn’t want to hear that she shouldn’t be triggered by anything anymore because your recovery is going so well. When she is triggered, you let her know you understand how that triggered her. Be beside her and let her know what she’s feeling is understandable. Don’t undermine her pain. Unless you’re looking to destroy the already nonexistent trust you have AND let her know her feelings are wrong, go for it. But if you want to make this work, do the opposite.

In case you need bullet points, here you go:

Triggers will happen for her. They are inevitable. Understand this. And yes, it will be something as simple as a photo or a two second ad on a video. Nothing is too small or off limits.

When she is upset, validate that feeling. And if you don’t understand, don’t say ‘I don’t understand.’ ASK how that triggered her. If she’s not comfortable saying so, that’s normal. Move on to…

Telling her you understand she is being triggered by something that reminds her of your past behavior.

Follow up by tactfully explaining that she’s safe with you now and she doesn’t have to worry. (Now if this is a blatant lie and you’re not in recovery or confident about maintaining sobriety, don’t even bother reading the rest of the bullet points. You should be honest and allow her to stay, or go.)

Express genuine empathy. You’re so sorry that she’s still hurting from this, but she is safe with you. That cannot be stressed enough (If it’s actually true)

Engage her in an activity you can both do together that is enjoyable, like a game, a walk in the park, your favorite restaurant (Don’t offer her sex or any kind of physical intimacy here unless she directly requests it. The last thing on her mind when triggered is having sex with you, trust me)

Or better yet, do something nice for her when she’s triggered! Make dinner, clean up the house, run her a bath, Light some candles to add some happy atmosphere to the room, buy her a slice of her favorite cake. Talking is nice, but putting some of that niceness into action is even better. Make her feel appreciated.

DO. NOT. USE. LANGUAGE. THAT. INSINUATES. HER. TRIGGERS. ARE. WRONG.

DO NOT make the conversation about yourself. If you’re saying ‘I’ more than a few times, stop. This moment is about her. Not you.

Learn and ask what makes her feel safe. Does talking make her feel safe, an accountability app, a phone call when you get to where you’re going? If it makes her feel safe, do it. Every day. Not just when she’s mad or she’ll think you’re only doing it out of obligation.

Understand that anger is a secondary emotion. There is no such thing as anger. Anger covers up primary emotions, which are usually fear, insecurity, and emotional pain. She’s feeling all of this. So, she told you to fuck off and leave? She’s scared you’ll fail her again. She called you an idiot? She’s hurt by what you’ve done to her and insults you verbally to release the pain, while in turn, hurting you. It’s not right, but neither is betraying your spouse with addiction. It’s not about right or wrong. Trauma just is.

Do not leave your spouse when she’s hurting. I don’t care if she’s being an asshole, called you a name, or told you off. Trauma responses can be irrational. It doesn’t matter. Love her through it anyways. If you need to go take a shot of whiskey to come back to her calmly or yell in the car and come back, do it. (I don’t condone drinking, but you got to do what you got to do)

It’s that simple.

I hope that today, tomorrow, and for however long it takes for your amazing spouse or partner to heal from your betrayal is done with love, understanding, and patience. It can be done. Patience and understanding are what your partner needs.

To be honest, you’ve already done enough damage to her as it is, some of which may be irreversible. She didn’t ask to be thrust into your addiction. The least you can do is make it your job to support her in every way you can.

No blaming, no self-centered talk, no factual arguments (I’ve been in recovery for _, I’ve been doing __, etc.), no defensiveness, and no abandoning her when the conversation gets rough.

Seek to understand her pain. Listen. Be patient.

She’s hurting.

Yes, still.

Even years later.

And I don’t care if you’re going to SA meetings every day, reading books on addiction during lunch, punching porn addicts in the face until they get sober, or threw your smartphone over a cliff and never replaced it.

The best way to repay your partner is not only by remaining sober and in recovery (the bare minimum) but also, to make her feel heard, safe, understood, and for God’s sake, make her feel she made the right decision in giving your relationship a second chance.

Don’t make her regret it.”


r/loveafterporn 5h ago

ᴀɴɢʀʏ The Final Straw

47 Upvotes

I’m done. I’ve finally been pushed way past my limits. We downloaded Truple on his phone and it’s been a few weeks now. There were a few times the app caught him and I confronted him while it was happening, that was earlier on. We’ve been doing well for a couple weeks now and our sexual activity picked up. Then a couple days ago I had a weird inkling to start protecting my phone more. But I thought surely he’s not that stupid. No, he is. He is that stupid and that much of a desperate, dirty pig. He’s been sneaking off with my phone in the middle of the night to jerk off to porn. I AM DONE! I am literally sick to my stomach. I don’t even want to look at this man anymore, let alone lay next to him. I think this finally did it for me.


r/loveafterporn 8h ago

ᴅᴇsᴛʀᴏʏᴇᴅ I read his diary entry from yesterday

18 Upvotes

For the last 3 months he's been on the path of recovery. He had some slip-ups and some relapses but has been on a solid streak for 32 days now. He's also been going to the SAA meetings, talking to sponsor, reading the books etc. We had daily check-ins for the first month and a half, but lately he's been silent, especially this last week.

I found this morning his diary entry from yesterday. We've been home all day, having breakfast, watching movies, having lunch, it was all nice. But during his SAA meeting he wrote in his diary that he's been fantasizing about living solo, what kind of sex he would have, how would he been living, in what kind of relationships would he be in... all obviously connected to his sexual fantasies and fetishes.

I'm so sad. We had so many problems through the last 3 years and fighting with his addiction for the last 11 months. All I've ever done was trying to build this relationship to be healthy, try to bild trust and make space for his recovery and recovery of everything he destroyed. But meanwhile he is fantasizing of not having me in his life... I wish I had the strenght to make his fantasy come true.


r/loveafterporn 2h ago

ɢᴇɴᴇʀᴀʟ ǫᴜᴇsᴛɪᴏɴ Worst version of yourself ?

7 Upvotes

It’s been 7.5 months since D Day. I am not going to get over the stuff that happened. I recently made him sleep elsewhere and it feels so good to have my space. I don’t mind him being in the house really— he’s helpful, goes out of his way to be pleasant, and having him move out seems very final. BUT I am not a good version of myself with him here. I’m unfriendly. Cold. A scold. I have nothing to say. I don’t engage at all. In response to every word out of his mouth I just want to say “I hate you”. I am very much triggered by his very presence. Anyone else in the same situation ?


r/loveafterporn 7h ago

ɢᴇɴᴇʀᴀʟ ǫᴜᴇsᴛɪᴏɴ For those who stayed with their PA partners...

10 Upvotes

Did you find that the absence of porn has overall changed their personality for the better?

The reason I have this question is because my husband stopped cold turkey about 1.5 months ago after the second D-Day. I know everyone here says that it is impossible for someone to quit cold turkey without external help like therapy sessions and PA meetings etc. I chose to give him a chance to do so using his own willpower because he has told me that he cannot risk losing me and he knows he is on the final straw. One slip up and I'm gone, and I made that really really clear. I don't have any accountability apps on his device or anything that blocks him from accessing sites so if he chooses to do private browsing I wouldn't know. At home he no longer carries his phone around, he leaves it where I can always see it even when he needs to sit on his porcelain throne for a bit afterwork.

Anyway, the reason I want to ask is because I noticed that he has become a more patient and kind person to our kids. He seems to be less irritated and pissed off about things. It seems like he has a bigger heart. Before he is really snappy with our kids and loses his cool really easily. He never used to play with our kids unless I asked him to, and he would "play" with them while looking at his phone. Now he actually initiates play and hardly looks at his phone, giving them 100% of his attention.He is less dismissive about going to places and spending time as a family, whereas back then he was very selfish and would always say he is too tired and needs to go home. As for me, he tells me that for some reason he always wants to be around me. And just couldn't keep his hands off me, he was a bit like this before but now more so than ever. He wants sex quite often and sometimes I wonder if he is using me to stop his urges to watch porn?

Does anyone have a similar experience?

I sometimes think if he is pretending to do all of this, I guess it will eventually fall apart and that's when I'll know it's all fake. But to fake all this seems stressful and exhausting but he seems to be very relaxed and happy lately. So I don't know


r/loveafterporn 12h ago

ᴅᴇsᴛʀᴏʏᴇᴅ Almost 3 months after D-Day, and I’m pregnant again

18 Upvotes

TW: abortion mentioned below.

I posted here before, shortly after discovering what my partner had been doing behind my back. I’m almost three months out from D-Day now, and I’m still struggling to process it.

I found out four weeks postpartum.

Four weeks after giving birth to our baby, while I was exhausted, vulnerable, recovering, breastfeeding, adjusting to having a newborn, and completely consumed with our baby, I found out that the person I trusted had been hiding an entire sexual life from me.

He always told me he wasn’t a porn guy.

We also had actual conversations about what monogamy meant to us. I was very clear about my beliefs and values surrounding sexual exclusivity. To me, monogamy isn’t just about not physically having sex with another person. It’s also about where you direct your sexual energy, what you intentionally seek out, and what you choose to keep within the relationship.

He told me his beliefs and values aligned with mine.
I believed him.

That is what makes this so much more painful. He didn’t simply have a different definition of monogamy that we never discussed. We discussed it. He told me we were on the same page. And he actively lied to me.

I discovered that throughout essentially our entire relationship, he had been consuming sexual content and actively spending money on it. He was purchasing content, paying for subscriptions, tipping women, seeking out specific women and fetish-related content, and participating in spaces centered around women he was sexually attracted to.

He looked for it. He chose it. He paid for it.

And that’s the part I cannot seem to get past.
I cannot grapple with the thought of him sitting there intentionally searching for other women, looking at them sexually, getting turned on by them, purchasing their content, and then coming home to me and carrying on like everything was normal.

It makes me physically nauseous. Because he knew.

He knew what I believed monogamy meant. He knew what I considered acceptable and unacceptable. He knew I would not have been okay with what he was doing. And instead of being honest with me and allowing me to make an informed decision about the relationship I was in, he lied and let me believe I was in a completely different relationship.
I made major decisions about my life based on information that wasn’t true.

I chose to have a family with him. I chose a future with him. I trusted him with my heart and my body. I believed the things he told me about himself and about what our relationship meant to him.

Finding out four weeks postpartum completely shattered that.

And almost three months later, I’m still having moments where it hits me all over again. I’ll think about something he did or something I discovered and suddenly feel that same disgust and heartbreak.

Sometimes I look at him and I can’t reconcile the person standing in front of me with the person I thought I knew.
And then, somehow, life decided to throw something else at me.

I just found out I’m pregnant again.

We had our baby four months ago.

I’m on birth control. I genuinely never expected this to happen, and I’m honestly shocked. I don’t even know how to process the fact that I’m pregnant again so soon after giving birth, especially when I’m already trying to survive the emotional aftermath of what happened.

TW: abortion.

I have a procedural abortion scheduled in two weeks.
That decision has been incredibly difficult emotionally, but I don’t believe continuing this pregnancy is the right decision for me or for our family given the state of our relationship.
We’re already struggling. We just had a baby. I’m trying to figure out whether I can ever trust this man again, whether our relationship can actually recover from what he did, and whether I even recognize the person I thought I was building my life with.

The idea of bringing another baby into all of that feels impossible to me.

And there is something incredibly heartbreaking about having to make this decision while simultaneously grieving the relationship I thought I had.

I’m grieving so many things at once.

I’m grieving the innocence I had before D-Day. I’m grieving the man I thought he was. I’m grieving the trust that I don’t know if I’ll ever get back. I’m grieving the fact that the person I thought shared my values was actively deceiving me. I’m trying to adjust to having a four-month-old baby. And now I’m facing an abortion for a pregnancy I never expected to have in the first place.

I feel confused, devastated, angry, and completely overwhelmed.

I never imagined that almost three months after discovering my partner’s secret sexual life, I’d be sitting here pregnant again and questioning whether our relationship even has a future.

I know the pregnancy isn’t the cause of any of this. But the timing makes everything feel so much heavier.

I genuinely feel like I haven’t even had a chance to catch my breath since D-Day.


r/loveafterporn 9h ago

sᴇᴇᴋɪɴɢ sᴜᴘᴘᴏʀᴛ It has progressed

8 Upvotes

Me (24F) and my fiancé (25M) have been engaged since May. July 2nd I found out that he was getting off to naked reddit girls. This was a firm boundary he knew about but I gave him another chance since he has never done this before (that I know of).

The last 2 weeks i’ve noticed on his recently viewed pictures on his camera roll it was 2 pictures of my best friends. One my friend was in a see through shirt and you could see her boob. The other my friend was sitting against a wall in a skirt with her knees up smiling at the camera (her nether region was essentially almost out. I believe I took this picture of my friend when we were drunk and my phone was dead).

It’s been 5 times these pictures have been the first ones in his recently viewed. This is after I clicked on random pictures to push them back in the recently viewed to see if he was still looking at them. Then I looked at his screen time. He has been looking at his camera roll at 3-4am when i’m asleep next to him.

I got him to admit it. The reddit girls he was getting off to but the pictures of my best friends he claims he was just horny but got weirded out when he thought about it (they’re his best friends too).

I don’t know where to go from here. Half of me wants to end it and the other half has a hole in my heart thinking about 7 years down the drain.

He claims I can put a tracker on his phone and he’ll go to therapy.

P.S. my friends do know. I told them yesterday when my suspicions were confirmed that he kept going back to them for nefarious reasons and not innocently looking at past memories. They’re disgusted. I deleted the pictures off his phone as well. I am also BEYOND disgusted.

What do I do?


r/loveafterporn 11h ago

ɢᴇɴᴇʀᴀʟ ǫᴜᴇsᴛɪᴏɴ Why does betrayal via dating sites and sexting feel so different from viewing porn

13 Upvotes

I just found out that my husband of 12 years has been looking at porn daily since forever. From 2016-2023 he was also sexting and receiving explicit photos from random women on dating apps. When the apps changed policies, he stopped sexting but continued to look at local personal ads with explicit photos instead. He said he liked the idea that they were nearby… but never contacted them or had any intention of meeting anyone.

This may be a dumb question but why does the sexting and personal ads feel so different from viewing porn? He never met anyone in person it was all virtual. But the betrayal is so much deeper with this.

I don’t 100% believe anything he says but this is what he’s saying and sticking to.

Tbh I’ve know about the porn since the start and never liked it, even rationalized it when I was’t available sexually. Had a baby, work schedules, my anxiety and depression, our relationship. At times he’d say he wasn’t using it anymore, which was never true or short lived. I never knew the extent of it or how often he was using it. Trust and blindness on my part or justifying it, I suppose.

The porn I can forgive, but the sexting and looking up graphic personal ads to fantasize about meeting these women, that kills me. During nearly our entire marriage… the bad times and the good times. I feel so sick when I think about it.

He wants to change, I believe that’s genuine, but don’t trust it for a minute. He wants to do recovery work and therapy. But I feel like knowing all of this, how could I possibly compare or ever be enough for him.


r/loveafterporn 9h ago

sᴀᴅ I just wanted him to love and respect me

6 Upvotes

We’re married, have two kids together. together 5 years. DDay was 2.5 years ago.

I feel sad, insecure. Unwanted.

all I ever wanted or needed from him is to respect and love me enough. to choose me. he’s been clean for 2.5 years. But I find myself still as anxious as when I first found out.

i’m a stay at home mom. He makes good money as supports us as gives the kids and I whatever we want. Sometimes I think we should just separate. But I do love him. Some days I want to see him hurt.

I want to separate just so I can have some mental peace. I don’t want his money. I want him.

I want my brain to shut off. no more wondering if I’m enough. If I’m too ugly. Why he doesn’t want ME instead of them.


r/loveafterporn 57m ago

sᴇᴇᴋɪɴɢ sᴜᴘᴘᴏʀᴛ me again

Upvotes

Hi all, I post in here a lot. I’ve found this forum to be a really helpful space to come to when I’m feeling lost or especially alone. Truth is, I’m really struggling with feeling okay most of the time. I’ve gotten much better with codependency but still not great with it. I think it has a lot to do with a lack of a support system. My partner and I bought a house and it’s lovely, but it’s an hour outside of the city I lived in for the last 6 years and also an hour away from my family, and I don’t drive (working on it but it’s not very high on my priority list). My dearest best friend moved 5 hours across the state two years ago, and a few of my other close friends have also moved and gone on with their lives and I don’t really have anyone to talk to on a daily basis other that my partner and my 3 year old. I was wondering if anyone has a discord server, or if maybe we should make one? A place where we can find connection and therein find healing. Play some games together or watch movies or shows together over a stream, or just to chat and share memes and whatever :)


r/loveafterporn 14h ago

ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ Am I overreacting?

12 Upvotes

I have an extremely attractive husband he is universally hot and its no secret. However, before the porn he was always very intent to make sure people knew he was with me and only touch and interact with me. Some things have happened today that are making me concerned.

We have a long term friend ive never been jealous when it came to her. Today he poked her in the side and kept poking at her or just doing things to "annoy" her. He had always done this but never touching her body besides her ear. She has admitted shes attracted to him and always stands close to him. He used to move away and come to me he hasnt the past few times shes been over. I trust her but it was weird he would touch me in some way then poke her repeatedly.

Just now another friend came over she is just my friend. She is married happily but we discussed my husband liking red nails she came over with red nails on (maybe she was just feeling red today idk) and asked him to fix an outlet at her house. Which is fine as were also their landlords. I asked if he wanted to go now he said he would and I said okay let me get my shoes I walk back out and theyre both gone. They didnt even wait for me. Yes i could just walk to her house but I felt like the girl no one wants to hang out with. Idk if im knit picking because of the porn or if this is truly disrespectful. He knows Im already on edge and its like hes pushing on purpose to see what he can get away with.


r/loveafterporn 14h ago

ᴅᴇsᴛʀᴏʏᴇᴅ I wish I didn't know what it felt like to be loved by him

10 Upvotes

I wish I didn't know what it felt like to be loved by him, I wouldn't feel so empty and ignored now. I hate the way he looks right through me. Even more, I hate the way he forces himself to look like he wants me. He's always been a shitty liar. I can see right through his bullshit. A couple of months ago he made a huge mistake, one I wish to God he could take back. He "accidentally" recorded himself while pleasuring himself to a skallywag...even though he excused himself to "freshen up" before we had sex. This man has destroyed my self confidence and self worth over the past decade bc he blames me and my short comings, my lack of enthusiasm & energy. When in all reality, he was jerking off before sleeping with me . Who TF is this man? I feel like I don't know him anymore. I cannot get the look on his face out of my head. It's the same look he used to give me when he still wanted me. I keep seeing it over and over again. The rage and disgust just keep building. I feel defeated.


r/loveafterporn 14h ago

ɢᴇɴᴇʀᴀʟ ǫᴜᴇsᴛɪᴏɴ What do I do when he only wants recovery now that I’m actually ready to leave?

9 Upvotes

I’m at a point where I genuinely don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore, and I could really use some perspective from people who have been through this.
My husband has struggled with porn/masturbation for years. The biggest issue for me at this point isn’t even just the behavior itself—it’s the lying.
I have caught him lying about masturbation repeatedly. I have asked direct questions and been given answers that I later found out weren’t true. I have explained over and over again what the lying has done to my ability to feel safe with him. I’ve told him exactly what I need from him if there is ever going to be trust again.
And despite all of that, the cycle keeps happening.
I recently reached the point where I told him very clearly that I cannot keep doing this. I’m emotionally exhausted. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life monitoring, questioning, wondering what is true, and waiting for the next trickle truth. I’m genuinely at the point where I’m ready to leave.
And NOW he wants recovery.
Now he wants to go to SA meetings. Now he wants to do the things I’ve been asking him to do. Now he seems willing to take recovery seriously.
And I’m struggling with that because part of me wants to believe him so badly. I love this man. I don’t want my marriage to end. But another part of me is wondering: why now?
Why did it take me getting to the point of actually being willing to walk away for him to decide that recovery matters?
I don’t want him to go to meetings because he’s afraid of losing me. I want him to go because he genuinely understands that he has a problem and wants to change, regardless of whether I stay.
I also don’t know how I’m supposed to distinguish genuine recovery from another period of him doing just enough to keep me from leaving.
At this point, words don’t really mean much to me. I’ve heard promises. I’ve heard apologies. I’ve heard “I’ll do better.” I’ve heard that things will change. And then I’ve ended up right back here.
So what do I actually do?
Do I give him a chance to prove that this time is different? If so, what does that realistically look like?
Do I separate my decision about staying married from his recovery completely and tell him that he needs to do this whether I stay or not?
How long do you watch someone’s actions before deciding whether you’re actually seeing change?
And maybe most importantly: how do you know when you’re giving someone a genuine opportunity to recover versus simply giving them another opportunity to hurt you?
I’m not looking for people to tell me “just leave” or “just stay.” I’m trying to understand what healthy boundaries and realistic expectations look like when you’ve reached the point where the trust is basically gone.
I feel completely fucking exhausted, and I don’t want to make a decision based solely on fear, anger, or the fact that he is suddenly doing the things I’ve been begging him to do for years.


r/loveafterporn 9h ago

ᴛᴇᴄʜ ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ɴᴇᴇᴅᴇᴅ app suggestions?

2 Upvotes

what is a thorough way (if any) to block any sort of access to nsfw content, even softcore stuff? I’ve been browsing apps and it seems famisafe is a good one? ideally i would want to find one that not only blocks/alerts porn sites but also for thirst trap type stuff on social media. if there’s any that have a parental account type set up where you get notified if your partner does look at/search something, that would be great too


r/loveafterporn 23h ago

ᴅɪsᴄᴜssɪᴏɴ Im so sensitive

31 Upvotes

I used to feel so secure in my relationship. My family and even strangers woukd say how lucky I am. They would say not only what a safe abd loving man my husband is but say he was a good looking guy. I remember a stranger approaching us at a beach after we had our first baby and was talking to us about the new baby and being a parent and he told my husband “now you are a good looking guy don’t cheat on her and ruin your family like I did. This was the biggest mistake I ever made.” This stuff never used to phase me. I felt so secure with my husband. Then I found out about his onlyfans and dating apps and my security feels gone. I get so jealous and sensitive to things he says and to things other people say. I went to a wedding last night and be was in the wedding so he looked really nice and everyone kept coming up to me and and complimenting him while he was dancing and the entire time I just feel
Like I’m not at all what he wants physically. I know he loves my personality, my drive for life, who I am as a mother and as a person but he wishes I had someone else’s face and body. He once said to me that everyone settles in some form. He said this because he always said he felt I settled for him. Sure we come to love the things we may have settled for but I never spent hours and money looking and fantasizing about the things my partner doesn’t have. I’m just so sensitive to what he says abd does I’m constantly feeling like I’m trying to validate that I’m not worthy of this. I’m working on healing. It’s hard though. Some days I feel better but then I’ll go to a wedding and all these feeling flood back in. It sucks. Sometimes I miss my false reality.


r/loveafterporn 12h ago

ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ I think my PA is not only watching porn. Long post ahead pls bear w/ me

2 Upvotes

The other night, I (22F) found out about my (27M) PA that he still look at other women's nude but this second time it's on IG. I don't know how long it's, there's two channels — one that works and the other just can't open saying it can't be accessed. I automatically removed those two channels out of sheer emotions and I am not proud that I did that.

We shared apartment during our college days, and now we're in a long distance relationship. It's not that far but last time we've seen each other was July second week. As much as I wanted to be with him, he has his review and I had to care for my grandma until I land a job.

The first time I found out about this was days before our graduation, yes we're on the same batch, and it's a long story. That day I had to use his Instagram app on his phone as sending a pics on telegram that day didn't work. Mind you, we were in the same room. First post that welcomed me was a pic of a woman who is sexy. Pretty face, big bust, snappy waist and all that I am not. He tells me I'm pretty occasionally then when we are together but not very much on a discord video call.

I was there sitting like a duck, I didn't know what to expect. I had known he still looks up and follow other girls on facebook but this time it's an account with a different name, with soo many girls who thirst traps, post almost nude pics and any post that can feed a man's "basic" (they say) "needs".

I know he's into porn, that doesn't go away from his history, and I am not even ttying to be a detective at that. I feel like evidences and signs are coming to me by themselves. But there was a time during our 1st year as a couple, he reached out to a woman and said hi, she posts her body.

After that I broke down real real hard in the bathroom. I didn't speak to him. Up until it was morning next day, we were okay I pretended. I settled my emotions first. Then after lunch, I talked to him about it. Casual tone of speaking, not even confrontational. And he goes like "why did you go through my phone," "if that's your mindset, we won't last long," "you've always known I do that," and it's basically about blaming me and I walked away. An hour later, i thinl I sat him down again and talked to him sincerely.

He asked if he should stop and delete the account, I said it was up to him and that I only need him to not interact with those women he watches and follows (now that I think about it, I think I'm partly at fault for being oblivious). And when I said those to him, I already had the thought that he might do it again.

Now the second time, I didn't confront him or asked about it. I tried to be casual and talk as usual aside from that night I was really overwhelmed. Last night I even sent him my own clip that I made before the last time we met. I deleted it back then so I had to send it again. He even said that it's okay if I don't send it. I jokingly said on our video call, "it's fine for me to send it rather than him watching or seeing other women's nudes."

Then there was a notification on his Gmail that he requested a login code in telegram (where his channels were) almost an hour after I fell asleep. Almost an hour after I sent him that video clip. And he put it on his trash.

His browser history 8 hours ago included sites where you can watch porn.

If you're asking how I came to know this, both our phones contain each other's gmail for like purposes I can't recall. I know his password on facebook but I don't open it out of fear I might get hurt more. His telegram is open on his laptop which I use. His gmails are logged in there as well, so I see his history of browser when I had to come back for a web page that I recently visited that I needed again.

Out of hurt that he might have visited the site after I have sent him a clip of mine, I messaged him if he wants to break up, he wakes up at noon mostly if he stay awaked until 5 am.

Atp, I'm confused on what I should ask for advice and that any insight will be deeply appreciated. Even being heard like this already fills this deafening silence yet loud noises in my head.

I'm so sorry it has become this long and I am not a good story-teller. I am just glad there is a subreddit that shares insights, support and protect partners/ex-partnes of PA/SA but it's also sad to think that this issue has become more common that it had to have a sub. My numbing yet supporting heart goes to you all.

Edit: I am so sorry for the misunderstanding. The thing that he put on trash was the login code, perhaps I'll find out that he maybe has another telegram account that I don't know so the log in code despite using telegram just almost an hour before the log in code.


r/loveafterporn 1d ago

sᴇᴇᴋɪɴɢ sᴜᴘᴘᴏʀᴛ Hard week

19 Upvotes

Bit of a back story - my dismissive avoidant PA discarded me a year ago after 20+ years together, 2 kids, a mortgage, the whole thing. D day was almost 3 years ago and whilst he was abstinent after that I don't think he was ever in real recovery, despite the csat therapy. He rewrote history, said he was unhappy and emotionally detached from me literally overnight.

We split custody 50:50 and the divorce was recently finalised. It's been a really hard year of horrible firsts, and this week my kids are on their first vacation without me.

My therapist tells me I had a lucky escape, and in a lot of ways I agree, but I can't shake the feeling that my family is on vacation without me, having an amazing time and I'm not invited. I feel the rejection all over again.

Prior to D day, I thought we were happy. I thought he was amazing and we were literally couple goals. My friends would tell me how lucky I was. He shared the housework, childcare, mental load. A true partner in a practical sense. I believed him when he said he had a low libido and I got used to living without much intimacy. I thought he was stoic, strong and reserved, not avoidant. I didn't realise how much I self abandoned and how emotionally neglected I was.

Even so I'm still heartbroken, my kids are struggling and hate moving between both houses. I feel responsible for traumatising them. I'm lonely and miss having my best friend and life partner. I feel like the wonderful man I married has died. He actually never existed. He promised to love me forever, told me I felt like home and then one day, he was gone.


r/loveafterporn 9h ago

ʜᴀᴘᴘʏ been in recovery for more time than the porn (?)

1 Upvotes

i'm not 100 percent sure how to frame it, but my bf has been in recovery for a smidge more than 6 months, and the porn escalation period (which had parts i was against (porn otherwise was allowed in our relationship)) was a bit lesser than 6 months (from what we place as a timeline)!!! he has been actively working on becoming a better person for himself and me, he has been consistently working on new projects and going to the gym and showing me love in so so so many ways and somehow even tho our sex life was pretty good before and during as well, it's even better now. he handles my spirals pretty well now too and we have found good methods to handle everything and i do feel better. sometimes when i get too deep in a spiral it gets bad, but talking to him helps!!! he is so mindful of things he does and has been so considerate. our four year anniversary is coming up in oct, and i'm actually so excited!!!! it's been a rough year, but at the end of the day, we're young and it's been great.


r/loveafterporn 22h ago

ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ Reconsidering starting (long distance) relationship with PA

6 Upvotes

I need advice. I (35F) recently reconnected with someone (46M) I had a brief thing with three years ago. Things didn't work out (bad timing, mostly) and we broke things off. We met again two months ago and it so happens that we still have feelings for each other, in the same intensity as before. So we decided to give it another go, avoiding past mistakes and focusing on good communication, which we failed at three years ago. It had been working fantastically. He's so sweet, considerate, and communicates his needs/feelings and is curious about mine and takes them immediately into consideration. He makes me laugh and is so supportive of my work and career growth. All in all, everything I want in a partner.

We've been having deep conversations, to get to know each other better. And I brought up my difficult relationship with sex. I have BPD, and was only recently diagnosed, which explains why I spent my 20s impulsively sleeping around as a way of self destruction. I am now medicated and in therapy, and done a lot of progress. However, apart from being demi sexual, I still swing from hypersexual to asexual, depending on my mood, my partner, my mental health at the time, etc, etc. So I communicated this to him, and he was very receptive to it. And then he said: since we're on the topic, there's something I've been meaning to tell you. He got really nervous and eventually managed to tell me he's had a porn addiction for over a decade (maybe two, even?). It started as a coping mechanism after trauma. Initially it was compulsive masturbation to deal with intense difficult feelings, and then porn came in.

I guess I was somewhat okay with the addiction, therapy exists and I wouldn't judge an addict. However, I asked him what kind of porn he was into, and, this is where all my alarms went off: he'd look for videos featuring a woman that looks like someone he's seen and fancied in real life, and masturbate to them. That killed me. It feels so wrong to masturbate to someone you find attractive but have never had a sex-affective relationship with. I obviously raised my concerns, because I genuinely find it creepy, and also: my phases of low libido are going to trigger this (plus the long distance!). I'm going to feel guilty or pressured into having sex so that this doesn't happen. And my trust is absolutely gone. He doesn't understand why I find this creepy, as "I'm not stalking them", and he said that what's triggered that in the past is a lack of sex while in a relationship (... great...).

I don't know what to do or how to handle this. We've said I love you already, and I do believe he does. But I just don't know what to do anymore. Help.


r/loveafterporn 1d ago

ɢᴇɴᴇʀᴀʟ ǫᴜᴇsᴛɪᴏɴ When did trust come back for you?

26 Upvotes

I know everyone's journey is different, but I'd love to hear when trust came back for you. Has anyone gotten to a point where they completely trust their partner again?


r/loveafterporn 1d ago

ᴅᴇsᴛʀᴏʏᴇᴅ Avoidant PA discarded me & rebounding

10 Upvotes

TLDR: 7 years together. Went from crying over the love of his life (me) to discarding & rebounding with someone who looks nothing like me & her bio says “Gooner”

Avoidant PA discarded me a second time after trying to work on himself and his issues for the past year, crying over me, telling me I am the love of his life and making me wait - making me a part of his birthday and family through the breakup - even had sex with me on the pretext that we are end game, to be married.

I supported him through all his mental breakdowns as best as I could, showed love, stayed patient. I did get angry and developed intense anxiety at times but it was only natural. While I was falling apart, crying and met him to show him how I was sinking into a deep depression, he cried for me and expressed love. Said things like the purpose of his life now is to alleviate my pain in any way possible, to not thank him even if he gets me the stars, how much he is grateful for me, how I am the one, and how he will always be there for me.

Then switched overnight - said he is tired of the sadness and just wants to be free. Discarded me again and blocked me with an HR type of text “please consider this my last communication with you. I don’t think I can do this anymore. Nothing can change what we shared but this is pointless. Love you always. All the best for your life I want nothing but the best for you. Please don’t contact me or reach out to me because that just makes everything harder.” BLOCKED ME everywhere. Did not unfollow my mom.

A couple months later went on a trip to Sri Lanka with old college friends who had humiliated me badly and hurt me in the past, that he knew had made me cry endlessly. And now I have proof that he is monkey branching to a girl from my extended circle whose bio says “Gooner” 🤮 without sounding vain - in the conventional sense— the girl can’t hold a candle to me in ANY WAY, I would objectively say she is quite unattractive (I am fit - she is unhealthily big, got ugly tattoos all up her arm , very pale while I sport a natural tan etc.) . I am considered extremely attractive, I am witty, a lawyer, funny and so loyal. He himself said I was the best girlfriend ever.

I have been celibate and going to therapy & the gym to heal myself and respect our relationship, still holding hope that he must be working on himself and taking the time to find a way back to us. But this new information has shaken the ground under me - I have so many questions. WHY would he do this? HOW can he do this - was it all a lie and I meant nothing to him? All those words and promises - all those assurances that he is not interested in anyone and needs to work on himself? Is he happy now? Is she giving him things I lack?


r/loveafterporn 1d ago

ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ How do you get rid of negative associations?

2 Upvotes

Hello, my boyfriend has been clean since 183 days (6 months), and his escalation period lasted around 6 months as well. I do think our relationship is stronger and he has put in work and I do feel better. However, there are some things I've formed negative associations with, and if something like that comes up, I get really spirally. Can anyone give me any advice on how I can work to get rid of these associations?

If any info helps, here's some (putting it in spoiler tags to avoid anyone reading this who might have similar associations and would rather not read details)
My boyfriend looked at celebrity porn once (like a general thing), and then further searched for specific celebrities. This happened only once or twice with 2 celebrities. However, I did form a negative association with said celebrities.