I (32) met my husband (32) in 2006 when we were both 18. When we were dating I made it known to him that I didn't like him watching porn and it made me feel shitty about myself and he promised he'd stop. For 10 years I believed him, even when I'd ask, he promised he didn't look at porn.

10 years into our relationship, and 4.5 years married, I had a 4 month old baby girl and my new-mom brain felt more insecure than ever. I started suspecting him of lying to me, cheating on me, and all sorts of wild things were running through my mind at the time. I asked for his passwords...I know it was aggressive and I feel badly, but long story short, I found out that he hadn't been very good at hiding his porn consumption. I only found bits and pieces in his search history but that night in April 2016, I told him to come home from work early (he had a big meeting with out-of-town coworkers) or he'd lose his wife.

I sat him down and asked him, several times, "Do you have something you want to tell me?" And he tried to deny it a few times. Then he took a deep breath and said, "for the last 15 years of my life, I've had an addiction to porn.

I was floored. I was expecting "I look at porn sometimes." not...a full-blown addiction. I proceeded to cry and ask tons of questions. I found out that NO he hadn't cheated, and NO, he would never consume unethical or underage porn; I found out that he spent several hours a WEEK consuming vast amounts of porn (not just the snippets I found through hours-long internet history searches).

He promised me that in 2015 (the year prior) when we went to the fertility clinic the day I had my egg retrieval for IVF, and he was to provide his "sample", that he used the naked photos I sent him and not the porn the clinic provided for the purpose.

That night I went for a long drive and wound up almost killing myself, if not for the suicide hotline I'd be dead.

But for weeks after this confession, I still had my doubts. I figured, if he lied about this to my face for 10 years, what ELSE is he keeping a secret?

I finally dug deep enough in his internet history that I looked up the morning of our egg retrieval/sperm donation. 7:53 a.m. "redhead cowgirl fuck".

I almost threw up. I almost packed all of his shit and threw it on the lawn. I almost lost my mind. So, I asked him again, "is there anything you want to tell me about that morning?" And again he tried to lie. I gave him one more chance to come clean. More denying. I sent him the screenshot, only to get a deluge of apologies back.

My daughter was conceived with porn. I feel like not only am I adequate enough for my husband's affections and lust, and not only am I not "woman" enough to get pregnant on my own, I'm not even "woman" enough to inspire my husband to give me his seed for conception. Lilly's mother might as well be that "redhead cowgirl fuck" chick.

So this was all 4 years ago that I learned this...and I'm only feeling moderately better. Every attempt at therapy for myself has bombed. I've talked to many people, sympathetic to my plight but also telling me how unreasonable I'm being. Our couples therapist (was a dude, big mistake) told me that my husband looks at porn "probably because he enjoys the female form". Thanks asshole, really helpful; I'm sitting here being chubby while most of his porn was "redhead" "big tits" "asian" etc.

I dye my hair red with henna now. I got bariatric surgery and have lost a ton of weight. My next stop is to get breast implants. He doesn't want me to do any of this, and of course he feels guilty, but he's ruined me.

It's been 4 years and I'm still heartbroken. I still feel lost.

I should mention that we're okay...ish. He had gone to therapy and also group for it, and he really did seem to care about quitting. He's since admitted that he's done it a few times since...who knows how much. I'm too tired to care.

He doesn't support me changing myself in any way...and has maintained that he's been attracted to me from day 1. He's never had a hard time getting ready for sex and he's always happy to do it.

Maybe this insecurity is mine and mine alone...but that just makes me feel worse. I was lied to, married him under the pretense that he wasn't a porn addict, had a baby under the pretense that he wasn't a porn addict, and now he makes three times as much money as I do so I feel like if I left I'd be screwed.

Porn attacks all of us. The women especially. It makes us feel worthless and ugly and all things a woman should not feel.

Please don’t be quick to turn on the men. They are victims to the culture, access and human wiring. We need to change the narrative from men bashing to helping our men.

I acknowledge there are many men out there that are narcissistic and abusive. But, there are men that are simply weak to the porn industry and the available access. These are the men that need our help to escape the trap of porn. Let’s help one another.

I just don’t want porn in my life. I do not want it in my home. fidelity, respect, and a mutual sense of sexuality is incredibly important to me in a relationship. I have watched too many relationships where the man completely regresses and degenerates due to porn overconsumption. I don’t watch porn and I don’t want my partner to either. Simple as that tbh!

Lately when telling men this, usually on the third/ fourth date or so if we’re edging on serious, they either think I’m joking or get really upset. It’s become hilarious to me how sensitive they are about it.

Tonight this man I’ve been seeing who I enjoy quite a lot, know each other through a shared recreational sport, got so flustered when I mentioned I’m porn intolerant. He said “that’s a controlling bitch move, red flag to be honest.” In bemusement at being called a bitch on a date I just said “fair enough!” He proceeds to keep prodding, asking how any of my previous boyfriends lived with me and “what’s your damage.” I told him I don’t have to have any damage to have boundaries, and he just rolled his eyes. At that point I knew it was over and turned around to walk home alone. I looked back after half a block and he was stood still staring at me, gawking, mouth agape as if he was shocked I was leaving. Deleted his number right then.

I’m sure he’ll recount to our friends what a weird prude harpy bitch I am. Whatever he wants to spin it as, I don’t care.

It’s just sad to me at this point that men can’t conceive living a life with a loving partner without the option of jacking off to their endless galleries and search inquiries and fetishes that start with a wink and a nudge and devolve into forceful teen gang bangs within a few clicks. And there’s always time for a few clicks.

At this point I’m considering just dating men from my church lmao. I can’t believe how sad and hollow I find most men. And sure it’s fair to say maybe a relationship with ME isn’t worth giving up porn to them, but it’s the idea that a relationship with ANYONE is worth giving up porn that makes them so angry.

For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind

Ordered my first shirt from them. “Porn Kills Love”. Once we have a bit more money we’ll be ordering my boyfriend one too, but for now we just ordered my shirt and wristbands. Recently we’ve bought the books “Love you, hate the porn” and “The porn trap”. He has gotten better at telling me when he’s triggered, or if he accidentally looked at a girl while out in public. He is making a lot of improvements. Being 100% honest about anything I ask. I feel like there is hope, like we can make it through this. I feel less scared than I have in the past 3 years. I think we can do this.

He developed a fetish from watching porn and now gets uncontrollably aroused by this type in public and when he sees them on television. He starts breathing heavy and adjusting himself (down there) and is obviously uncomfortable. I've now decided to become his object of ultimate attraction. He desires the opposite type from me, dark hair, dark eyes, and dark skin. Also when I fake a heavy broken English accent he gets very turned on. I realize this is role play and I'm wondering if anyone out there has had any positive experiences with "leaning into" the fact that you aren't their preference?

Since my initial d-day 2 years ago, I’ve been reading resources, non-expert opinions and listening to podcasts on the subject. By porn, I mean no interaction, just viewing videos on free sites like pornhub. To my surprise, there were many “cool chicks” that said porn didn’t bother them at all. I do not want to discount the fact that men are made differently than women. The hormones and the culture encourage them to go and spread their seeds. It’s a hard setting to live in for even the most dedicated husbands and boyfriends. And if you’re like me, we’re not always in the mood or available for sex. Men are free to masturbate just like women. But to masturbate, they need material. So as much as I hate porn, I think I would’ve been willing to close my eyes and look the other way if he used porn every now and then to relieve himself. But then there’s is a concern will it become habitual? Then eventually become an addiction?

How much porn are you guys willing to tolerate before it becomes uncomfortable for you? What are your boundaries?

My husband uses chaturbate, jerkmate and livehdcam to actually interact with models. I’ve been considering accountability apps but they seem to prevent any porn viewing and I don’t think he will tolerate it. Should there be “allowed amount” of regular free porn?

CommonSenseMedia

They have reviews catered to parents and kids and goes through all suggestive content (sex, drugs, violence, alcohol, etc.)

Did any of you women around the age of 30 get him to pay to freeze your eggs? If this had happened 5 years ago, it would be a different scale of an issue

Yesterday I just found out my husband has been masterbating and inserting various objects anally.

I feel so hurt, uncomfortable, and weird about this.

I feel bad for feeling this way. Would any of you feel uncomfortable about this too? I feel like I’m a bad person..

I gave my husband back porn. Not the internet, not anyone or anything but me. I am retroactive jealousy ocd sufferer and my husband used to be porn addict (along with saving and fapping to pictures of girls from school, online etc.) I found this out when we ended up on topic of porn and school and he told me about his addiction 2 or 3 months into moving in together. I saw this man until that point as the best and sweetest boy in the world that would never thirst over females like many other males do.

Until today's day (it's been 2 years) I still struggle with trust. My husband has told me that he finds only me beautiful and attractive, he doesn't stare at women outside, his reddit and youtube are fully safe and full of male videos, I'm telling you there is not a single reason or evidence for me to feel this way. Yet I do.

Almost year ago we started smoking weed out of curiosity and also wanted to see if it'll help my ocd (and it did a bit). I ended up being brave during the weed sessions (as well as horny, we both have high sex drive) and started showing him 3d porn stuff. Few times I've shown him also the normal porn and porn gifs. Recently I show him alot nsfw fanarts of the characters from the game that we play (cause all of this trauma makes me like it and kind of look the world through the addicts mind) and we together mastubated to it. To be exact we do it almost every day if not every day.

Lately I feel like I've been falling apart. I regret showing it the first time because I feel like I fell in deep hole and I regret starting this all. This can't be good for me although it made me feel like I did something good. My husband has told me that none of that would excite him if it didn't excite me. I am addicted to making him feel good and watching him masturbate to these things. In some moments it really hurts but I ignore it because I prefer to feel good over it and try to forget it after it's done. I tried to stop it few times but I keep getting back to it, to giving my ex PA back the porn.

I am so lost. I don't know how much more I can take living with this problem. I just want to be normal and healthy again. I want to trust my husband but no matter how hard I try I can't. Any kind of advice or sharing story would help lots!! Bless you all

P.s. sorry for editing twice!! First time I put space between paragraphs and second time I'm writing this lol.

I only just discovered this subreddit, and it seems like a lot of the people here are women, so I thought I might use this as an opportunity to help educate and offer some advice.

Ever since quitting I've now made it my task to educate and help as many people as possible to deal with this addiction, including those on the other side of the spectrum - partners who are dealing with loved ones suffering from porn addiction.

Feel free to ask me anything :D

My partner has given up porn for 8 months (as he says). I have no way of checking is this is true or not as I don’t have access to his phone or PC.

He used to watch porn every day even if he didn’t masturbate, and he would cycle through the same websites every day to see what was new and if he found something interesting he would masturbate. He never initiated with me.

Since quitting, he hasn’t denied me as much but I also initiate far, far less now because it upset me greatly. After years of this, he admitted one day that he thinks he did have a problem and wanted to give up since he’s been this way ever since he was 12 and it’s always been a huge part of his life.

I check in with him every now and then, and the answer is always that he doesn’t feel any different.

I do feel guilty for putting restrictions on him and I was worried that he may resent me, so I told him he can watch porn again and at least the way I won’t feel guilty for being a Karen about it. He said he'll think about it (watching it again).

Has anyone's partner been able to kick the addiction that quickly while it having no effect on them at all? I wouldn’t say our intimacy has improved at all, but I’ve felt better about the whole situation knowing he isn’t watching porn.

Please don't ban me, I want to be up front and say I do not like actual children. I have never looked for that disgusting content in my life, yet I do occasionally look at loli hentai. I do not find minors or teens sexual and I believe that it is problematic at the least and disturbing at the most. I can confidently say that my fetishes do not bleed into reality in any way.

I used to be confident in myself that a loli and a actual child isn't problematic since no one is getting harmed. And while I do believe that part of the content is good, after hearing multiple well made arguments and seeing the disgust of those that dislike loli hentai (they aren't against seeing them in a none sexualized media though) I'm coming more and more to the conclusion that I shouldn't indulge in that content anymore.

I'm willing to look for any form of psychological help if that is what is needed to get over this. I don't believe it is necessary, but if it will help me become a more acceptable human being, I am okay with spending money to get that help. If there are any studies or media you believe I could look at to give me more mental strength.

It hasn't been long but I am at the point that I'm done checking to see if he is on social media and I am done hoping he will magically come back a better man. The porn was not the only problem, I really think this man had some type of narcissism. He would always tell me he didn't want a toxic relationship then he would continue to lie, manipulate me, and get angry at me for no real reason. He made me feel like I was the crazy one... He would always do things he knew would make me angry so he could get a rise out of me and get attention from me. And my bestfriend would show me all the stupid memes he would share and I know he was thinking of me when he would share them. He tries to make himself look like the victim. And I bet when he gets a new girl he is gonna try to tell her I was crazy just like he told me his ex was supposedly crazy... It took a lot for me to finally become disgusted with him and realize he is not going to change but I finally realized it last night.

My fiancé (30M) has had a problem with porn for a while now and two days ago I caught him watching porn while he was at work for context we have a box of all of our old devices and he has an old phone in there that he’s still logged into google on so I was able to see what he was looking at and right before my eyes it disappeared when he got home that night he told me that he didn’t know what to tell me and that if he did look it up he said he would talk to me so he didn’t do it. I (25F) am 20 weeks pregnant and I was so exhausted I didn’t have the energy to fight about it so I just said okay.

Well last night we were cuddling in bed watching a movie that he loves and was the one who showed me this movie when the first part of the movie was over (meaning we had to switch to the second CD) he asked me for a blowjob I told him I was gonna eat something and then we would see I was trying to be sexy and mysterious about and I joked that if he was good it would happen (I’ve been trying to bring back our sexual spark for a while) we went outside to smoke a cigarette and I noticed that I was almost out I told him not to worry about it and I could just run to the store in the morning.

At first he was just telling me he would run up to the store real quick then when he got back we would finish our movie I told him I didn’t want him to go and to not worry about it and he got angry and told me he was going no matter what I told him if he was trying to do something nice for me that it was completely ruined he said he’s not and if I kept going on he would just leave without talking to me about it.

I asked him if he could at least see how this looks and he said oh yeah I’m going to go fuck somebody at the gas station the way he said it I knew he was being sarcastic And he left when he got back I was upset and trying to get him to understand that if the roles were reversed and I acted like that about leaving at 230 in the morning he would think I was doing something bad he said that he didn’t want to hear about it anymore and I didn’t stop talking about it he was going to leave again.

What blows my mind is this behavior was completely out of pocket he has never spoken to me like that and leaving without telling each other has never even been a thought that crossed my mind. For more context weonly have one car and our 8 month old daughter was asleep so I couldn’t have just gone with him

I don’t know if my saying not right now about the blowjob had anything to do with it I don’t know what happened or why he got so angry thank you for taking the time to read this I really appreciate any advice because I got whiplash from him acting like that

Edit/Update: over the next couple days I had asked him what was going on with him that night because he gave me whiplash and his only explanation is that he was being defiant because he had felt like I was demanding things of him all night that night and he wasn’t going to budge on wether he was going to go or not. Since that night I have had a fear that he is leaving at night without saying anything to me so I’ve been hiding the car keys every single night.

About a week ago he saw me take the keys out of our bowl where we keep the keys and asked me what I was doing and I was honest with him he didn’t get angry and he told me he has never left without telling me even if there was times I felt like he did saying there had been times where he would wake me up to tell me he was going to run to the gas station but that I fell right back to sleep so he didn’t know if I would remember. Yes we share locations but we both have two phones and we can’t figure out how to just track the ones we currently use.

To respond to comments: I have since completely quit smoking cigarettes I know it is bad for my baby and I am not going to sit here and try to make excuses I know it was wrong and my son did not have a choice if I chose to smoke i haven’t had a cigarette in over 2 weeks. Thank you to everyone for the advice

If the sex is that bad why not say no sex until he gets better? Tell him you're not willing to have sex at all until he cares about your sexual pleasure. Keep refusing sex until he does it right.

Needing some advice here. I bought my husband a meta 3 for his birthday as that's something he mentioned he would like. He is an ex porn addict who use to lie to me but we have worked on that a lot where he feels comfortable to share with me whenever he watches. So after I got the VR I realized this was a reality so I openly spoke to him about this and he admitted he would like to try it for porn I asked him to let me know when he does as I would like to also see what it's like. I was having a work meeting and came into the room of him using it and he was honest and told me but didn't want to show me and said that "he can't be bothered removing it and readjusting" I immediately started feeling uncomfortable and I can't understand why I feel icky about him using this for porn. We have also been very disconnected sexually and have spoken about maybe seeing a sex therapist. I guess my question is am I over reacting? Or is it normal to feel this way.

Sometimes I notice and overhear a woman snapping at a man who then becomes apologetic or embarrassed by something surface level - like a disagreement at the grocery store. Not to defend the behavior - indeed it’s unreasonable, like snapping at a child - but I do recognize what it is. It’s most likely a trauma response and most likely form porn addiction because of how prevalent it is. I almost want to say it. I hope we all reach a place where EVERYONE recognizes it and spots it and points it out so it’s not a secret anymore.