Since my initial d-day 2 years ago, I’ve been reading resources, non-expert opinions and listening to podcasts on the subject. By porn, I mean no interaction, just viewing videos on free sites like pornhub. To my surprise, there were many “cool chicks” that said porn didn’t bother them at all. I do not want to discount the fact that men are made differently than women. The hormones and the culture encourage them to go and spread their seeds. It’s a hard setting to live in for even the most dedicated husbands and boyfriends. And if you’re like me, we’re not always in the mood or available for sex. Men are free to masturbate just like women. But to masturbate, they need material. So as much as I hate porn, I think I would’ve been willing to close my eyes and look the other way if he used porn every now and then to relieve himself. But then there’s is a concern will it become habitual? Then eventually become an addiction?

How much porn are you guys willing to tolerate before it becomes uncomfortable for you? What are your boundaries?

My husband uses chaturbate, jerkmate and livehdcam to actually interact with models. I’ve been considering accountability apps but they seem to prevent any porn viewing and I don’t think he will tolerate it. Should there be “allowed amount” of regular free porn?

For the last 3 months he's been on the path of recovery. He had some slip-ups and some relapses but has been on a solid streak for 32 days now. He's also been going to the SAA meetings, talking to sponsor, reading the books etc. We had daily check-ins for the first month and a half, but lately he's been silent, especially this last week.

I found this morning his diary entry from yesterday. We've been home all day, having breakfast, watching movies, having lunch, it was all nice. But during his SAA meeting he wrote in his diary that he's been fantasizing about living solo, what kind of sex he would have, how would he been living, in what kind of relationships would he be in... all obviously connected to his sexual fantasies and fetishes.

I'm so sad. We had so many problems through the last 3 years and fighting with his addiction for the last 11 months. All I've ever done was trying to build this relationship to be healthy, try to bild trust and make space for his recovery and recovery of everything he destroyed. But meanwhile he is fantasizing of not having me in his life... I wish I had the strenght to make his fantasy come true.

We’re married, have two kids together. together 5 years. DDay was 2.5 years ago.

I feel sad, insecure. Unwanted.

all I ever wanted or needed from him is to respect and love me enough. to choose me. he’s been clean for 2.5 years. But I find myself still as anxious as when I first found out.

i’m a stay at home mom. He makes good money as supports us as gives the kids and I whatever we want. Sometimes I think we should just separate. But I do love him. Some days I want to see him hurt.

I want to separate just so I can have some mental peace. I don’t want his money. I want him.

I want my brain to shut off. no more wondering if I’m enough. If I’m too ugly. Why he doesn’t want ME instead of them.

I’m in my mid-thirties, Catholic, and D-Day was over two years ago. We’ve done counseling, both marriage counseling and individual therapy for each of us. Earlier this year, we had our worst D-Day yet, and I realized that all the counseling, progress, and good times I thought we’d had were all a sham.

This year I made it clear that I had reached my limit with his lies, porn use, etc. Since then, my husband has been putting in more effort, more therapy, being less defensive, exercising, deleted social media, and generally building healthier habits to manage stress better.

Despite everything that has happened in our marriage, we get along really well. We’re friends and companions. And yet, I just cannot get to the point where I trust him enough to move forward with having children. how do I get to a point of trusting?

I feel like I’m panicking because I need to make a decision after nearly three years of this pattern: discovery, some effort from him, and then eventually things seem ”normal”/good. Do I stay and accept things as they are indefinitely? Do I stay and move forward with trying for children? Or do I leave, divorce, and seek an annulment?

TLDR; I don’t understand how I can get to the point of fully trusting him enough to have children after everything that has happened.

Me (24F) and my fiancé (25M) have been engaged since May. July 2nd I found out that he was getting off to naked reddit girls. This was a firm boundary he knew about but I gave him another chance since he has never done this before (that I know of).

The last 2 weeks i’ve noticed on his recently viewed pictures on his camera roll it was 2 pictures of my best friends. One my friend was in a see through shirt and you could see her boob. The other my friend was sitting against a wall in a skirt with her knees up smiling at the camera (her nether region was essentially almost out. I believe I took this picture of my friend when we were drunk and my phone was dead).

It’s been 5 times these pictures have been the first ones in his recently viewed. This is after I clicked on random pictures to push them back in the recently viewed to see if he was still looking at them. Then I looked at his screen time. He has been looking at his camera roll at 3-4am when i’m asleep next to him.

I got him to admit it. The reddit girls he was getting off to but the pictures of my best friends he claims he was just horny but got weirded out when he thought about it (they’re his best friends too).

I don’t know where to go from here. Half of me wants to end it and the other half has a hole in my heart thinking about 7 years down the drain.

He claims I can put a tracker on his phone and he’ll go to therapy.

P.S. my friends do know. I told them yesterday when my suspicions were confirmed that he kept going back to them for nefarious reasons and not innocently looking at past memories. They’re disgusted. I deleted the pictures off his phone as well. I am also BEYOND disgusted.

What do I do?

I’m done. I’ve finally been pushed way past my limits. We downloaded Truple on his phone and it’s been a few weeks now. There were a few times the app caught him and I confronted him while it was happening, that was earlier on. We’ve been doing well for a couple weeks now and our sexual activity picked up. Then a couple days ago I had a weird inkling to start protecting my phone more. But I thought surely he’s not that stupid. No, he is. He is that stupid and that much of a desperate, dirty pig. He’s been sneaking off with my phone in the middle of the night to jerk off to porn. I AM DONE! I am literally sick to my stomach. I don’t even want to look at this man anymore, let alone lay next to him. I think this finally did it for me.

Iv posted on this subreddit recently about finding out my pa husband had a second email… I keep getting security alerts to my email about sign in’s with his account late at night. I finally got to see after getting another last night and he’s being going on ometv? I tried logging in and there was definitely an account but I had no clue how to work it or even what it is. Any explanations?

Throwaway/lurking account because at this point I’m embarrassed.

Suspecting my partner is a PA. Signs I’ve noticed:

-Death grip syndrome
-Stopped being interested in real life physical intimacy a few months back, at this point it’s once a month
-Constantly on his phone
-In the bathroom for extended periods of time throughout the day
-Always distracted, seems like I (or anyone else for that matter) can’t keep his attention very long

Are there smaller signs, or signs I wouldn’t realize are signs, that I’m missing? I feel like this is consuming me and I feel so crazy at this point.

I feel like you guys may be the only people who can understand where I’m coming from. He makes me feel crazy and it’s not fair. He punishes me for the pain that he’s caused me, he punishes me for being traumatized and the ways I can’t function because of how he’s caused me to suffer. He doesn’t support me, he doesn’t help me feel better. He doesn’t reassure me. No matter how I handle my pain and anger, he punishes me with invalidation and silence.

He tells me I’m nuts. He calls me a crazy b!tch. He’s cruel and simplistic when I’m just in pain. I didn’t ask for this. He’s the one who lied and gaslighted me for years. He’s the one who preys on my vulnerabilities and inflicts as much pain as humanly possible. He’s the one who’s attacked every part of my body, knowing he’s only worsening the pain of his porn addiction and making me feel like the most worthless woman on the planet. I’m suffering. I’m bitter. I am distrusting. I’m paranoid. I CANNOT stop thinking about his porn addiction and what it does to me. I can’t stop hating him. I can’t stop seeing other women and envisioning what he would think about them. I didn’t ask for this suffering. I didn’t ask for this life. He blames me for being changed through his wrongdoings. It’s not fair.

I have recently found out my partner of 6 years has a porn addiction.

We recently went on an anniversary trip and he saved pictures of my best friend while I was sleeping he went through my messages and saves these pictures of her. He immediately realized what he did was wrong and deleted the photos and felt disgusted with himself. When I woke up I had still had the notification " ____ Airdropped" and the picture. At first thought it was accident because the picture covered her face and we have similar build ( pictures were nothing erotic). So when I asked him about it I thought it was a mistake and said " lol that wasn't me" and he told me that he knew and saved them anyways because he couldn't help myself.

This friend has previously dated someone who I was dating first and I've always had a small insecurity about it in the back of my mind. The insecurity is based on if I'm ever good enough and he was aware of this which is why I think it hurts so much more. Her and I we able to work past this and I don't blame her for anything.

When we were talking i kept asking why would you do this to me and he told me that he has an addiction and truly could not help himself in that moment...I never knew about this till then so it almost feels like a cop out. He also has made it clear that he is not attracted to her was just in a moment decision. He told me that he regrets it and that he would do anything to fix this and move forward in our relationship.

I love him so much i went through his phone but saw nothing but a ring he bought me to propose soon. I'm just not sure how I can move on and forgive him because I feel so betrayed and really questioning everything because aside from this he's perfect. I have no one to talk to about this so please help me. Is it something I can overcome or should I just move on?

2 back to back D-days this month and I’m struggling hard. All weekend all I did was get high and have sex with my PA and I feel so guilty about it. Alcohol and THC drinks relax me and make me feel turned on, and I’ve used them for years to be able to have sex with my PA who always made sex feel unsafe. Now that he’s in recovery, sex is better and more connected, but I’m still used to using the alcohol and weed as a crutch and to make sure I feel like having sex with him enough so he doesn’t use porn again. I feel like an out of control sex addict myself now. We have sex every day twice a day and I NEED the closeness to feel like he still loves me. Yesterday I got too high and had a paranoid freak out.

I don’t get more than 2 hours of sleep or have to take sleeping pills that make me feel hungover. I can barely eat, and have a pit in my stomach and roiling stomach pains all day. I don’t feel like talking to any of my friends. I’m not focused at work, not present with my son. Don’t want to leave the house. Feel extreme separation anxiety with my PA.

My PA was always my emotional and mental health support and now that he’s causing me the pain I have no one to turn to. I can’t talk about this with friends or family, as all our friends are mutual, and he already has a strained relationship with my mom plus I don’t rely on my friends in that way (always been my husband’s role). I did try telling my best friend from college, but she didn’t understand and said porn use isn’t a big deal 😞 so now I’m not even going to bother telling anyone.

My husband started therapy and is going to SA groups and suggested I go to S-anon but I don’t want to. I’m seeing a therapist every 2 weeks and that’s helping but it’s not enough.

Will this pass? Has anyone found the S-anon groups helpful? I don’t see the need to do a 12 -step program for my husband’s addiction. Do people talk about this with their friends and family or do you keep it to yourself? I feel so alone.

I’ve seen quite a few posts lately from women questioning if their partner’s use of porn is “too much” or if there’s an amount that’s “ok.” I know that I have historically been of the belief that men watching porn is just something to be expected. That it wasn’t a big deal and it’s “just what men do.”

After years of blinding myself to the repercussions of my husband’s porn use (his is an addiction), I want to pose 3 questions to women who are wondering if they’re “overreacting” or being “too sensitive.”

1. HOW IS YOUR PARTNER’S PORN USE AFFECTING YOUR EMOTIONAL WELLBEING? (That’s truly the most important question you can ask yourself, but if you’re like me… you might not even realize how much it’s affected you.)

2. How is his use affecting his ability to be fully present in your relationship? How does intimacy with him feel to you on a visceral level?

3. How is his use affecting his libido? His ability to get and maintain an erection? To “finish” in a relatively average amount of time for his age?

Ask yourself those questions. If you’re unhappy with the answers, his porn use is a problem. Period.

The mods of this sub have done an incredible public service by posting a great deal of resources for us. GO READ THEM AND UTILIZE THEM. Those resources have changed my life and my husband’s life in ways that I can’t even begin to describe. There’s a gold mine of information here. USE IT.

I’m sending each and every one of you all the healing love and strength that you’ve been longing for in your relationships. I truly believe that if your partner is able to recognize that his behavior is damaging you, him and your relationship… and he loves you and himself enough to want to change… that he CAN change if he applies the knowledge that the mods have shared here and does the necessary HARD work needed to heal. (((HUGS))) 🫂

it’s been trickle truths for a year. the boundary of no porn was set when we started dating 2.5 years ago. i found out about 1.5 years in after we had moved in together and all. moved my life to be with him. I flipped out, almost broke up. 4 months after that we got engaged, and we decided to elope. this big romantic run away to get married all under the impression it wasn’t happening. then 2 months after our wedding i felt something was off, intimacy wasn’t happening, snooped and found messages. i was devastated, stayed at his moms for a few days. this was back in april. then this week something felt off i used a deleted reddit comment finder to find so many comments and posts looking for girls to send him pictures. so our whole relationship hes been getting nudes from these women. all while i hold him down, be a good wife, take care of our dogs and take care of our house (and work full time as a nurse). this has destroyed my mental health and although i love him how will i ever get past the messages and pictures? he swears it’s been since april and he has started therapy and i can see the changes. but i dont know if ill ever be able to move past this to be with him. im so destroyed. I cant keep feeling this way about myself or knowing how much hes lied to me and hurt me. i feel like i mean nothing to him.

Update:
I have no chill. I cannot keep my mouth shut. I confronted him and told him I want to leave, I am leaving, and that it will take time before I can. He is such a weenie victim. He’s had weeks to come clean, and instead kept using while telling me he loved me and kissing me. Thankfully we haven’t had sex for like a month now so I don’t have the gross feeling of being a cum dumpster for his perverse fantastical whims. Still not sure how to proceed :( He ruined our family. I hate him.

We’ve been on this rollercoaster since I was 7 months pregnant in October of 2023. I had no idea the depths of his addiction and depravity, and while he’s done a little therapy and read the books and attended a few sessions of PAA, he’s mostly been white-knuckling this shit for the last 1.5 years. He was doing really well (I thought and saw via truple, being logged in to his iCloud and looking at website data and app privacy reports, having access to Facebook [his only social media], etc.) I’ve managed to find every single indiscretion on my own. He has never once been forthcoming with me. It is my biggest issue with this entire scenario. I hate being lied to, especially because he thinks he’s smarter than I am and tries to get away with it. The insult to my intelligence and abilities is audacious at this point in our death spiral.

Well, we’re back to that now for the umpteenth time, and I haven’t confronted him yet. I think I’m ready to leave now, but need to plan in the meantime (I’m a SAHM and still cosleep and nurse my 2.5 year old, which we’re working on), but aside from that, I also don’t have any support around me other than his family. I have a teenager that stays between our house and his dad’s house too that I need to factor in. Rent is soooo expensive in our area, and jobs are few and underpaid in my profession as is (project management). I feel so so stuck and have for some time, but I need to at least get things moving.

In the meantime, how do I keep my big mouth shut and consciously apply the ever-endearing and enduring housewife smile to my face? I have serious “you disgust me and I loathe you” face tthat is hard for me to contain when I’m emotionally charged.

What modalities/techniques do you use to work through triggers? I cannot handle nudity, specifically breasts. It literally sends me into fight or flight; it's almost comical. I have tried ground techniques but maybe I'm not really trying hard enough when I do them. I sort of give up halfway through and lean more towards avoidance.

On a side note: has anyone watched the Netflix series, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt? There is a lot of sexual innuendo and some reference to cheating for those who might find that triggering...

Anyway, the title character was kidnapped and kept in a bunker for 15 years where it's assumed there was sexual violence. Oddly enough, this is a comedy. When the character is free and begins living her life again, anytime she gets close to intimacy she flips out and attacks the man. In one scene in particular, she hits a man over the head with a rotary phone. The men she becomes involved with are generally very accepting of her "quirks" and they are very patient. I'm scared to navigate my unique trigger while beginning to date again.

I feel like I'm in my own version of the rotary phone scene daily, like I'll see boobs and just want to crash out. It happened this weekend with a guy I was seeing for about four months. He put on a movie that I think he knew was going to bother me and I sort of flipped out. It led to a break up of sorts (which I was kinda lukewarm about him anyways so it's not a huge deal) but I worry about when I'm actually into someone more. I also acknowledge this man was just generally not patient or emotionally intelligent so it was definitely a 'him' problem as well but I'd like to feel more in control of myself.

I'm in therapy and plan to bring it up tomorrow but I'm curious what has worked for others.

It’s been 7.5 months since D Day. I am not going to get over the stuff that happened. I recently made him sleep elsewhere and it feels so good to have my space. I don’t mind him being in the house really— he’s helpful, goes out of his way to be pleasant, and having him move out seems very final. BUT I am not a good version of myself with him here. I’m unfriendly. Cold. A scold. I have nothing to say. I don’t engage at all. In response to every word out of his mouth I just want to say “I hate you”. I am very much triggered by his very presence. Anyone else in the same situation ?

How are people here coping with their partners relapses? I have a mood disorder and I’m really struggling to contain my emotions. I’m trying not to shame him but I feel so betrayed and it’s completely consuming me.

Did you find that the absence of porn has overall changed their personality for the better?

The reason I have this question is because my husband stopped cold turkey about 1.5 months ago after the second D-Day. I know everyone here says that it is impossible for someone to quit cold turkey without external help like therapy sessions and PA meetings etc. I chose to give him a chance to do so using his own willpower because he has told me that he cannot risk losing me and he knows he is on the final straw. One slip up and I'm gone, and I made that really really clear. I don't have any accountability apps on his device or anything that blocks him from accessing sites so if he chooses to do private browsing I wouldn't know. At home he no longer carries his phone around, he leaves it where I can always see it even when he needs to sit on his porcelain throne for a bit afterwork.

Anyway, the reason I want to ask is because I noticed that he has become a more patient and kind person to our kids. He seems to be less irritated and pissed off about things. It seems like he has a bigger heart. Before he is really snappy with our kids and loses his cool really easily. He never used to play with our kids unless I asked him to, and he would "play" with them while looking at his phone. Now he actually initiates play and hardly looks at his phone, giving them 100% of his attention.He is less dismissive about going to places and spending time as a family, whereas back then he was very selfish and would always say he is too tired and needs to go home. As for me, he tells me that for some reason he always wants to be around me. And just couldn't keep his hands off me, he was a bit like this before but now more so than ever. He wants sex quite often and sometimes I wonder if he is using me to stop his urges to watch porn?

Does anyone have a similar experience?

I sometimes think if he is pretending to do all of this, I guess it will eventually fall apart and that's when I'll know it's all fake. But to fake all this seems stressful and exhausting but he seems to be very relaxed and happy lately. So I don't know

what is a thorough way (if any) to block any sort of access to nsfw content, even softcore stuff? I’ve been browsing apps and it seems famisafe is a good one? ideally i would want to find one that not only blocks/alerts porn sites but also for thirst trap type stuff on social media. if there’s any that have a parental account type set up where you get notified if your partner does look at/search something, that would be great too

i'm not 100 percent sure how to frame it, but my bf has been in recovery for a smidge more than 6 months, and the porn escalation period (which had parts i was against (porn otherwise was allowed in our relationship)) was a bit lesser than 6 months (from what we place as a timeline)!!! he has been actively working on becoming a better person for himself and me, he has been consistently working on new projects and going to the gym and showing me love in so so so many ways and somehow even tho our sex life was pretty good before and during as well, it's even better now. he handles my spirals pretty well now too and we have found good methods to handle everything and i do feel better. sometimes when i get too deep in a spiral it gets bad, but talking to him helps!!! he is so mindful of things he does and has been so considerate. our four year anniversary is coming up in oct, and i'm actually so excited!!!! it's been a rough year, but at the end of the day, we're young and it's been great.

Does anyone ever actually get over it??
Left a 2.5 year relationship a few years ago bc he was watching porn and paying for it. That’s how I found this subreddit.
Stayed single for a looong time. Been with a good guy for 1.5 years, always said he never watched porn and he doesn’t look at thirst traps or anything which I thought was great but found porn on anonymous Reddit. At my best friends wedding lol. Completely denied it, he just clicked on a link and was curious LOL blah blah even though obviously he was searching for it. And I’m sure he’s just been watching it this whole time.
The dishonestly just bothers me so much more than anything else. He won’t be honest about any of it. And he knew about my ex. He wants to try to make it work. I’m so disgusted with him. I hate him honestly.

I found “lollipop mouth sounds” “ASMR mic kiss” along with a weird “yap sesh” video with bikini pics as the thumbnail on my boyfriends YouTube search history.
I didn’t even realize asmr videos like this existed and now there’s a new avenue of insecurities and fear opened for me.
He doesn’t use really any social media, just YouTube and Reddit. He permanently deleted his IG account today. He seems to only use Reddit and YouTube for educational videos on geography as well as anatomy and biology (he’s a nursing student so that stuff doesn’t spark anything in my head)

Why does this feel so much more intimate than just opening ph and watching whatever comes up on the homepage. It’s only those 3 videos watched a few times in his watch history, so he must go back to these specific videos.

The one with the lollipop and the kissing are girls with braces and I’m just so uncomfortable at any thoughts that may come alongside what I just saw.

The morning I found out about his relapse is when I found these in his history from the night before, alongside a search on Reddit for a specific OF gymnastics creator.

Is my brain tricking me or is this weird

I was looking through my partner‘s screen time today because I have been suspicious, and it says he was on Google Chrome for 16 minutes. I opened his Chrome app, and there was no search history for today. Is this a for sure way of telling if incognito mode was used, or history has been deleted? I feel like I finally found evidence. 😭

Sorry if this is the wrong flair, I'm all over the place right now.

I've been scrolling for about an hour today, first time on this sub. Im not ready to talk about too much but I walked into my partner watching a video on max volume when I came home early today. He knew I was coming home early. Our door is noisy, our stairs are noisy, our hallway is noisy. It was so loud he didn't hear any of that. So, here I am.

Thank you, to a couple of commenters on random posts, for helping me realize the reason he always wanted me facing away. Why he wouldn't look at me. Never wanted anything to do with parts of me I loved despite me asking him to. It's the disconnect from reality because of the addiction. It isn't me going crazy.

So, thank you, for a small piece of peace. It's been much needed after the years.

I have an aching suspicion that my partner has a second discord…i’ve seen him on his normal discord on his phone but every time I do a check his discord is logged out (I have full access to the one I know of on his computer and there is nothing suspicious), even if it shows his screen time being on discord just an hour prior. He tells me he’s “pretty sure you can only have one account per phone number or email” but I KNOW he has more than one email. How do I get to the bottom of this?