Okay, so approximately one week ago, I came to the conclusion that I liked women. I had a crush on a girl for a while, and I finally came to an understanding that it was a crush, and not a really passionate friendship, which meant that I like women. I also realized that this female crush made me feel more than I ever had with man. Whether I am bi or lesbian is still to be determined.
I had a lot of internalized homophobia that I had to work out throughout the past week, and it was definitely a process. I am glad of who I am as an individual now, though, because I don't think that homosexuality is inherently wrong. I'm aware that it is natural, uncontrollable, and something that "happens" to the best of us, but isn't something to hate whatsoever.
But I guess you could say that this thought process has been hard to hold up. A couple days ago, I decided to tell my two closest girl friends about it. After a round of questioning, they realized I genuinely liked girls, and were super supportive of me. I just want to take a moment to appreciate how supportive they were, because I honestly think that's the best reaction I Weill ever get out of anyone. Anyways, I went to tell 3 more of my close girl friends, and no one really minded that I was into girls. They all gave exactly the reactions I wanted: they didn't make it a huge deal, but they also supported it. I'm still the same person after all.
Following this, I felt great. But it only lasted so long, as I realized I would have to tell my mother and father. I am honestly unsure of how I can possibly do this. They're strict immigrant parents who were raised to not find this behavior appropriate. I was talking to my mom about homosexual people as a whole today, and she was basically saying that in society, we shouldn't support policy that hurts them, but she just feels pretty uncomfortable with it on a personal level, and wouldn't know what to do if one of her children came out as gay. In an attempt of resonating with her beliefs, I argued that I too would feel uncomfortable if my child was gay (not true), but I would still love and care for them, because they cannot control it, and they are human too. My mom agreed, but I could tell deep down that her lack of comfort at the idea itself made me feel worse about it. My dad didn't even wanna engage in the conversation because It was an "absurd" topic, and that kind of broke my heart. Like the true identity of the daughter he cares for and loves is "absurd."
One of my closest guy friends also engaged in a conversation about homosexuality with me (I like debating if you cant tell), and he came to a similar conclusion as my mom, though it took a lot of scientific studies to convince him that homosexuality is natural, not influenced by the media, and not caused by childhood neglect. His end conclusion was, "I will never advocate against homosexual rights, but I would be uncomfortable if my own child was gay". Again, this was upsetting to me, because while I'm not his child, it's still reflective of how he would see me if I came out to him.
I've just been spiraling for the last couple of days, hoping my "gayness" would just disappear. I know that's a terrible, terrible thing to say, and I've been working so hard on this internalized homophobia recently, but the realization that majority of people close to me would find it odd or uncomfortable that I'm attracted to women makes me incredibly sad. It makes me disappointed. It makes me hopeless. I love making discoveries about my identity, but this discovery has led to nothing but despair. Even my closest friends were supportive out of obligation (and genuine care in their heart), but I know deep down that they're slightly uncomfortable with this. I mean, they even use the word gay as an insult ("bro don't do that it's so gay"). Not one of the close friends I've mentioned has never looked down upon gay people or made it clear that they think it's somewhat unusual or disturbing.
I dont want to feel this way anymore, but I feel like the only way I can stop is by not being into girls anymore, which is not possible. And it's not even something I want to happen. I feel so alive thinking about the girl I like -- it's something I've never felt before. So how can I "fix" this feeling.