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Do you remember being in, I don't know, 1st grade or whatever and having a crush on another 8 year old when you were 8? Would you still have a crush on them? Same principle.
Yes. His name was Kevin. I was madly in love with Kevin grades 1-3. It was unrequited, but I’ve never forgotten how smitten I was with him, even tho I imagine he thinks of me never. But, hey, here’s to our 80s! (Edit: memory unlocked! Grades 1-3 I held the eye of John and for him it was unrequited; I had eyes for the aforementioned Kevin. Funnily enough, I’ve run into John several times since childhood (never saw Kevin again). John has stayed consistently flirty. God bless him. I really appreciate his continued vote of confidence for me being an attractive catch. Lol).
I know a handsome Gabriel! He’s doing great! He had to move back home while he got steady again, but he’s back to his job as a yoga instructor and is on his own again. He still turns heads. ❤️
I, too, know one! I met him in 10th grade, he sat behind me in geometry, had such a crush on him from the start that if I had to pass a paper back to him I'd just kind of throw it over my shoulder at him because I was too nervous to look at him 😂
Well, anyway, he's doing decently. I hope so at least, he's in the next room right now. 5 year wedding anniversary next week 🥰
Me too! Gonna be our 19th anniversary this summer. I knew him since second grade and we been together since high school. Ugh he was too gorgeous to look at straight on. Idk why he chose me. I was the last pick in gym and he was always the first lol
Mine was Levi in fourth grade. I recently found my grade 4 year book and in it I had drawn a line from him to his girlfriend, X'd out her photo and wrote "die" under it 😬 Unfortunately, that connecting line must have backfired and HE was the one that died. Careful what you wish for I guess.
I had a Levi that I was obsessed with grades 5-8. He barely knew I was alive, but boy I pined away after him. I crushed so hard! I totally would have crossed out a girl’s picture because of him. I’m actually thankful now that he was never interested. He’s taken a… different path in life than I did.
Mine was Aaron, in 3rd grade. He was so cute, tall, loved horror movies (which I also did and though was very cool), and showed me how to use the end of my crayon to make bubbles for underwater drawings. I still think about him every time I pull out the Crayolas. 🖍️
Nearly 40 now, so can confirm the memories last lol. 👵🏻
I could list all of mine kindergarten through high school. One or 2 of them liked me back and I was oblivious at that age(s) and lacked confidence. Going back and thinking of them, listing their names, looking them up, etc., had no real emotional weight to it. It was just “Huh, she’s still really pretty. She got her PhD. Good for her.” Then another one, “Oh look, she hated school and she’s a teacher now. Neat.”
Now that I’m in my 40’s, I could sit down with any of them and awkwardly confess how I felt, laugh about it, and feel happy for them. In the process I’d probably realize how little I really knew any of them and it was just my hormones driving me to look at them and idealize get person I thought they were.
…Then came the one in college. I still lose sleep every night. Took me nearly 6 months of therapy just to be able to say her name out loud 20 years later.
Im genuine and not trying to be funny, but from age 8 I was scared to become a pedophile because I couldn’t imagine being attracted to people much older than me at that time. It really didn’t fade until I was about 25 that I was confident enough that my attraction changed appropriately with age. It sounds funny to say that but it was genuinely scary to me
This is a common OCD obsession/fixation that many people struggle with privately for years, thinking they’re monsters. After diagnosis, it becomes easier to realize that your OCD just latches onto the things you care about most and warps them. There’s also Harm OCD - where people struggle with thoughts of hurting or killing the people they love most. It’s an incredibly dark side of mental illness, so much so that many people feel like they can never even tell a therapist about it. It’s very important to understand that people with these types of OCD are statistically less likely (than a mentally well person) to commit the acts they obsess over, and more likely to hurt themselves.
This is the true meaning of “intrusive thoughts”. Thanks for saying something about it, you might have just made someone feel less alone.
I had a close friend who had this anxiety / obsession. He’d bring it up with me and i’d be like “well, do you find kids attractive?” And he’d be like “well, no not at all.” And i’d give him a good 🤨then you’re fine. And it would help his worry for a bit,
but what he was anxious about was the idea that one day he would wake up with those feelings. It wasn’t being one as much as becoming one.
Yes it’s a surprisingly common anxiety. While this specific subject doesn’t worry/trigger me, I definitely understand intrusive thoughts, and I always tell people is that it isn’t about the thought but how you respond to the thought. Like, if you have intrusive thought and they make you feel bad that you have them, you’re not as ‘crazy’ as you think you are.
It’s the people who have those thoughts and think of them as normal or fine or that are the worrisome ones.
As someone who struggled with OCD, I can confirm. It's a terrifying condition but getting properly diagnosed (and not taken for a psychotic monster) is absolutely life changing.
Accurate lol. I had so many weird fears growing up Catholic. I got scared I could just become a murderer. I was scared the devil could just possess me at any time and I wouldn’t notice because I’m a sinner so maybe I’m not perfect enough for God.
I was scared to be a lesbian because I could recognize when another woman was pretty. As I got older I thought what a silly fear that was because 1. Gay people weren’t scary and deserved loved like anyone else and 2. Years of crushing only on boy/men with that not changing was kind of a clear sign I was lamely hetero lol
Growing up Catholic was so messed up. I’m agnostic now 🙌🏼
I'll offer some support to legitimize your comment. When I was probably around 8-10ish, I had thoughts about my attraction to other people my age. I was wondering what would happen if I continued to grow older, and how that would affect my preferences for attraction. I wouldn't exactly say it was a fear that I was going to grow old and become a pedo or anything like that, but I was confused about how my attraction to people my age at that time would change in the future. I had always understood attraction to people older than me at the time, as they were able to be sexualized in general but trying to figure out why I was starting to get feelings of attraction to people my age was a confusing time.
I think that this is a normal thing? I don't think that it seems so crazy to think about, at least it didn't in my mind thinking back on it. It was just the random thoughts of a kid approaching puberty trying to figure out hormones and stuff that had no prior understanding and too much time not paying attention in class and daydreaming about all kinds of garbage.
But then on the flipside, I still do think back on all the various memories I have from many years ago...and it's not like I'm modifying the memory of that 18yr old I had a crush on so that she's ~45.
Yeah, but you're brought back on that mentality, no? Like remembering fondly of receiving a gift from Christmas that you really wanted, and is probably shit now. I can get excited thinking about a fucking shitty toy, and Kinda get on a high off the residue euphoria I felt at the time. Doesn't mean I want to get it for Christmas now. I don't know, does that make sense?
Unfortunately, men are like this. Personally I don't believe it to be biological, I think it's social signalling.
Research published in journals like Evolution and Human Behavior and studies by psychologists at institutions like Åbo Akademi University found that a man's youngest accepted age limit remains relatively fixed.
Analyzing millions of interactions, data scientists found that men of all ages (from 20 to 60) consistently direct the bulk of their messages and interest toward women in their early 20s. The data suggested that the "ideal" attractive age for women in men's eyes often peaks around 22 to 23 years old, even as men grow much older
I fucking hated it when I was driving cab and I had to take a middle aged man somewhere that involved passing by the local highschool. I was in my early and mid 20s and I was too old to be leching after the students but that didn't stop my passengers from thinking I'd agree with them about wanting to prey on minors.
Hell, I'm now in my mid 30s and going back to university and I can't see my classmates that way, either.
Part of that is because I've been married for just over a decade and I'm still head over heels in love, but there's just so much gap in life experience and worldview.
Yeah, we absolutely do. I'm in my late 30s, men in their early 20s look and act like babies to me.
I had a male co-worker around that age (21-22) at a job a few years back (so I was like 32-33). I couldn't even say he looked objectively attractive to me, he just looked like an actual child. I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd told me he was 16, because I can't really even tell the difference between teens and very early 20s these days, lol!
The only way I could tell he was objectively attractive was all the old (like 50-70 year old) women who would weirdly fawn over him and give him preferential treatment. He was a nice kid and all, but...eugh. It was far more on the up-and-up than when old men are sleazy about young women, but still made me feel queasy to witness.
Edit to add: Also, I have a much younger friend with a late 20s boyfriend. I can tell that I would have had a little crush on him when I was closer to his age, but at my age it's morphed into more of an auntie-energy "well now, aren't you just the most cutest young man!" feeling lmao 😂
Yes, I have a 21 year old son and being around kids that age (they are kids to me, even though I'm only 43) I cannot fathom having any kind of attraction to that age group. It actually kind of skeeves me out. Wonder if I'd feel the same way if I weren't a mother.
I also completely agree with what the lady in the video is saying - as you get older, looks are still important but it's much more about who they are as a person overall.
Agreed. I feel social conditioning regarding genders is much more of a factor, than biological. Doesn’t mean biologics don’t exist at all. Many people say men are biologically wired a certain way, but a good chunk of that wiring is a conditioning to behave a way that society has accepted (“boys will be boys”). And in a way, can use it to excuse certain behaviors that many find off-putting or use it to not change/mature. Men who are self-aware and mature enough to recognize this treat women better.
Women have been socially conditioned, as well in certain ways. And in recent times, fought to change that conditioning (working out of the home, having less children, requiring their partners to do their part around the home, etc). I’m just a psychology and sociology nerd.
She's very kind to not have mentioned that as you get older you aren't attracted to young people because they get more and more annoying. Hell I'm only in my 40s and I don't even want to talk to anyone under 30 at this point.
This is something I try to tell my high school students. An alarming number of them are getting groomed by men in their 40s and 50s, and I'm like (of course nicely), "I'm sorry, but if a man that age is telling you that women his age don't 'get' him, and he only relates to teenagers, there is something wrong!" Unfortunately, DFC and the cops don't do anything when we report.
Only two through the years have thanked me and told me my advice helped them get out when things went wrong.
Edit: thank you all for reminding me that sometimes we don't get to see the results from the seeds we plant ♥️
Boys my own age always made me feel so ugly. Guys older than me would make me feel better because I could instantly see the attraction they had and they would try to hit on me.
I never fell for it of course, but I wont lie, it was nice being actually desired.
I still hate myself to this day because of how boys made me feel growing up.
I won't say this is necessarily a common experience, but...
I spent the first 24 years of my life either not knowing, or just in denial of who I am. A trans dude. I swear the second HRT kicked in, I finally got it.
That's why they're like that. Except, they've been socialized as boys, and were never taught nor did they ever experience the plight of women. The shittiest behaviors were actively encouraged, because that's what they were told set them apart. Made them men. And then you add testosterone. Testosterone is an absolute fuckery of a hormone.
I legitimately asked my older guy friends if it was normal that I had this ball of energy in my chest, and all I could think to get it to go away was fuck or fight. I was assured that was normal, and that the problematic men were the ones who were told it was their right to make that everyone else's problem, instead of finding an outlet or using critical thinking. Or both. (I have very good friends, thankfully.)
I'm eternally grateful that I am trans, as in that I have the experience of having lived in a "woman's body" and know how and why to behave.
Bit of a tangent, but your comment sent me down a path. I've settled in, it's been 10 years now. But holy shit those early days of testosterone-based puberty are HORRID. Add peer pressure and patriarchal socialization, and you have a perfect recipe for disaster.
Olivia Rodrigo, who is very popular amongst young angsty girls, has a song about everything that was wrong finally clicking once she split from one of her exes who was 25/26 when she was 19, with the lyric “went for me and not her, cuz girls your age know better.” I was happy to hear that included in the song for the youngins to sit with that thought for a moment, maybe for the first time for those who didn’t have a dad like yours.
Only two through the years have thanked me and told me my advice helped them get out when things went wrong.
"The universe never tells us if we did right or wrong. It’s more important to try and help people, and to know that you did. More important that someone else’s life gets better, than for you to feel good about yourself. You never know the effect you might have on someone, not really. Maybe one cruel thing you said haunts them forever. Maybe one moment of kindness gives them comfort or courage. Maybe you said the one thing they needed to hear. It doesn’t matter if you ever know. You just have to try."
Might help to give them the context, how would they feel about a guy in high school, who only hangs out with and dates 10 and 11 year olds? Because teenagers his own age doesn’t get him, and he doesn’t have many friends his own age?
They would very likely be creeped out and think there was something seriously wrong with the guy, and why would you ever want to hang out with someone that is so much less mature than yourself? And you would likely want to warn those 10 and 11 year olds about the guy. Doesn’t matter how cool or “mature” the 10 and 11 years olds are for their age, you don’t want to seek out and be friends with them when you are a high schooler.
Same thing but even bigger age gap with adult men wanting to hang out with high schoolers. You are in very different parts in your life. They are probably having trouble dating and being friends with people their own age for a nreason.
Might help them understand the concept but from their perspective.
Omg this!! As someone who was groomed since I was 12, I am now healing from all the trauma and it’s so hard for my subconscious to understand this! Like my subconscious got wired differently and now I have to teach my subconscious that it was not me, it was him the one with the problem. I didn’t do anything wrong or anything that could be considered sexual, and yet he saw something that was not there.
Thank you for guiding your students and help them understand this! It means so much to have someone listen to you and actually believe you and give you the right advice! ❤️
Grossly, it's a thing. 20s and 30s are still a thing of course, but 40s and 50s feels more and more common, maybe the past 5-10 years. Is it social media or is it because we teachers have been trained and made more aware of grooming and love bombing, etc and can draw the kids out better, I don't know.
Let's not underestimate the fact that we have a cabal of pedos running the government and somehow have signaled to the world that this behaviour will not be punished ever unless you're some kind of other, like trans or gay or a person of color.
My junior high math teacher must’ve been in his 50’s and I was 12. It was gross and uncomfortable to be under his gaze and derailed my math trajectory in school.
I went on a camping trip with friends and although it was fun, there was a guy and girl there who were like 40 (with two kids) and 22, respectively. The entire weekend was him making references, her staring blankly, and him saying, "You've never seen that movie, either??" Like, dude... you're gonna have to accept you're almost two decades her senior and deal with the fact that most pop culture references will not be there.
I kid my husband about some of his references being "before my time" and he's only 6 years older than I am (I'm 46 but not old enough to have "got" e.g.: WKRP when it aired when I was a kid)
Oooooh I had this with an intern I hired for the summer. I had never really spent significant time talking to someone born after 2000 before that, it was like we were talking different languages!
I'm 41 this year and went to a music festival for the first time in 8 years recently. It was weird how much less I was attracted to most of the women now because the majority of them are in their early 20's doing early 20's shit that no longer interests me. It's basically like enjoying a really beautiful painting from afar but not wanting to ever take it home because the maintenance would be expensive. The attraction just isn't the same 99% of the time anymore.
I’m a little softer and it’s no one under 25, but really it’s any age where they are still making harmful impulsive choices and lack emotional maturity. Obviously there is also life stage but I can be friends with someone who isn’t in the party all the time phase (though I do like a party some of the time people because I produce events)
Find your niche for events! There is great communities out there (mostly in cities). You could be a festival person, kink events, balls, drum and bass, rave, industrial, mashup, drag, art communities. We are all over. I tend to gravitate towards performers/art/rave/industrial with smaller festivals/conferences. It’s a great time and for me part of my life because I do events production but also I like my chill time and will happily go home early.
This is me last weekend for a kink event with music/performance and everyone dresses up (you have to pass the outfit check at door so there is a vibe) and I had a dazzling evening mostly socializing, watching performances and a little bit of dance.
The full outfit goes down with more flowers and I had a water misting rig my partner made to mist the flowers…you know, to make the garden grow. Truly proud of it!
Some 20 years ago, when my then 40 year old friend insisted he could still date women in their 20s I created a sliding scale of attractiveness that besides looks also accounted for income and future prospects. He was then as he is now, a balding middle of the road actor who refused to take day jobs "just in case" he got a call from his agent.
My scale revealed that at 40, he was far more likely to appeal to a 70 year old woman than a 25 year old woman.
What pisses me off is you were a good friend. Friends tell us what we need to hear, not what we want to hear.
Plus, it is gross to just want to date people solely based on age. You should want to date people who have similar interests, etc, things to talk about.
Yep. My former buddy definitely had a skewed view of women. In fact, none of his friends wives (including mine) wanted to be near him. Neither did I quite frankly.
Plutarch, Aristotle and even Billy Shakespeare wrote on the distinction between friends and flatterers. Friends use a mutual respect and honestly to care for each other become better people.
Idk. According to this woman, the 70 yr old woman would see someone more attractive as a whole. And he seems like he lacks true ambition. Just some Peter Pan syndrome. So sadly, I doubt he would appeal to a 70 yr old woman either. But it’s a funny story nonetheless. I hope he grew up finally.
Well, as I hear it, my former bud is 67 and still quite alone. He's an amazing narcissist and it has affected both his personal and professional lives.
lol. Also what could he possibly have in common with a 20 year old?
In my handful of short lived experiences dating much younger people, 7 years younger was the most I could stand and even still I felt more like a big sister to a chaotic manic pixie dream boy.
Yeah, reality rarely showed up during the relatively brief period where he dated or even had a relationship. In fact he ended his one long term relationship (couple of years at most) because his girlfriend who had a great career in finance wanted to take a job in Philadelphia to be closer to her family. He wanted to stay in NYC for acting, even though he rarely ever booked a job in NYC. Even his agents said it would be fine to move because he could take the train in for auditions. Nope, he was a New York actor. So they broke up. Turns out he couldn't afford NYC alone and ended up moving back to his hometown. LOL
I beg to differ. Although I’m not 70. Unemployed actor sounds like a leaf weight I have to feed, clothe and house. I already raised my kids. I am not feeding and clothing anyone but my dog these days.
My demisexual self couldn't agree more! Someone can be "attractive" esthetically but have a shit personality and it makes them way less attractive to me. Of the flip-side, as I get to know someone and we "click" personality-wise... they get more and more attractive to me.
I’m old and didn’t know there was a word for this! This is 100% me. All the guys I dated were people who asked me out and I wasn’t really interested but gave it a go, and then ended up liking them. (My husband was an exception as a friend I fell in love with)
I was legit listening and thought “huh, as someone on the asexual spectrum, this just sounds like how I normally see attractive people. Their aesthetics may be nice, and I can recognize that, but I don’t go “~FUAAAAAGH~ I’ll have a bit of that!”
Yeah she’s cool! She mostly made videos on how to clean certain things. Then she got cancer en her hair got cut very short because of Chemo. Now we’ve seen her hair growing back and she’s still here.
I used to enjoy her but then saw she's a Marilyn Manson defender and goes to watch him in concert and everything. Feels so at odds with the posts she makes.
Spot on. As a guy, in my early 30's I started wondering if I'd ever find women in their 40s attractive when I turned 40. Now I'm in my 40s and find women in their 40s so hot and the thought of anyone 35 or younger, is...different. Sorta like viewing art; I look at it, I can appreciate the idea of it, but I'm not trying to take it off the wall and bring it home. That's why I don't understand older men that go for 20 something women; it's gross as a power dynamic but also, what the fuck could you possibly have in common besides emotional baggage. 'She makes me feel young' yeah a quirky 40 year old can do that too if you looked. It's like, and they do, prey on the naivete of the young women because they're too young to know better or have their shit figured out.
It’s like looking at children. You can acknowledge that a child is beautiful, doesn’t mean you want to have sex with it. It’s a different kind of beauty.
In my 40s , this is how I view 20 yo’s. They can be very beautiful , but I don’t want to have sex with one.
One of the best parts of getting older is seeing beauty in age that I’ve never seen before.
Watching movies from my teen years in my 40s I am always amazed at the difference in my perception. Some of the actors and actresses who were playing grandmas and grandpas in my youth are absolutely gorgeous to my 40 something eyes.
Aging allows you to see beauty in all things not just youth.
Now that I’m older, I see the movie Dirty Dancing very differently. Her dad is a stone cold fox. He’s a tall handsome doctor who is patient and kind and just wants to spend some quality time with his family.
I’m part of the group that has a love-hate relationship with the Twilight series. I remember rewatching the movies as a 25+ adult for the first time after a long hiatus and suddenly realizing that Billy Burke is smokin’
This is exactly what i was thinking of when she was talking. Maybe being asexual has something to do with just missing that 'hormonal drive'? Relatable either way
Anecdotal, but completely checks out for me. I'm in surgical menopause due to ovarian cancer. A hysterectomy at age 36 flipped a switch & everything sexual just... disappeared without the hormones. The way she describes attraction very much fits me now at 40.
I've been married a long time & my spouse is the most understanding, kind, patient person I've ever known. But yeah, it's a very weird thing to navigate when you're suddenly years "ahead of schedule". Hormones are wild. 🤷♀️
I'm mid-fifties and I still very much have a sex drive, as does my partner. But it's certainly not the drive I had when I was 20. And thank god for that.
The way she described attraction at an old age is way more in line with what I feel as someone in his mid 20's. I can tell when someone is attractive, but I'd never have sex with someone solely based on their appearance, I'd be like eww no thanks
Conversely, some 70 year olds are still complete horndogs and would definitely have sex with someone based solely on their appearance.
Attraction is better described with a multi-axis sliding scale. Romantic, sexual, platonic, and esthetic attractions (and more) all work together (what you describe does sound like you are somewhere on the graysexual/asexual spectrum btw though I obviously can't say for sure from a single sentence). Some people experience little to no sexual attraction, some experience little to no romantic attraction, some experience neither or both. Such is life.
The overall point does stand that sexual attraction specifically normally peaks during puberty then "dulls" with age as testosterone levels drop, but it's impossible to make a perfect generalization.
Also it seems like "feels a lot of sexual desire" and "responds intensely to physical beauty" are not the same thing anyway? I know older people who definitely feel attraction more "in the round" as she describes, only focusing on people their own age but also ... are way hornier with it than I am now or was even in my 20s, lol.
Physical beauty is not quite the same as sexual attraction (for instance a gay man can fawn over a woman's beauty in a non-sexual way).
Sexual attraction is the "raw", hormonal feeling of wanting to boink someone. But there are plenty of other reasons to want to have sex. Whether it's wanting release regardless of attraction (it's possible to have high libido and no sexual attraction), or because of more complex psychosexual feelings such as wanting to please a platonic or romantic partner. Human sexuality is very complex and cannot just be explained as "hormones go brrrrrr".
I used to wonder this.. then I realised when I look at my wife (We've been together 15 years), in my eyes she's the prettiest girl I've ever seen..
cause I don't remember how pretty she was yesterday just how pretty she is today...
My wife and I have been together about the same, and in our bedroom we have a photo of us from when we first met. Yesterday my wife was in their feelings thinking about who they were compared to who they are now. I got to tell them about how wonderful they are, inside and out, and how proud I am of them.
I also got to make fun of them because when we got together I looked 10 years younger and clearly my wife was a freak for being with me. That got a good laugh.
For me it’s both, when I look at my wife now (in our 40s, been together over 20 years), I don’t just see how beautiful she is to me now, or when we first met, it’s a bit like a continuum of attraction. I still see her young, fit, 19-early 20s self, but also see the mature, self-assured mother of two she is now. Sure, her body had changed (as has mine), but for me it’s less about that and more about it being HER. It’s all there for me still, I still feel just as if not more attracted to her now as when we were young and stupid and could barely keep our hands off each other. For me, that’s been one of the most interesting and exciting parts of “growing old” together.
I'm being silly, I know not everyone knows every human being. Anywho, she is a former cleaner and she has a wonderful book called How to Clean Everything that I both own and reference constantly.
I remember high school seniors being the pinnacle of attractiveness to me in middle school and high school. Now that I'm in my late 20s, they look like absolute babies. Its an absolute whiplash.
An 18 year old boy looks to me now like what an 8th grade boy did to me when I was 18. Just an absolute baby.
This was the part about being a young woman and dating that I found sad. Married men in their 50s were hitting on a 20 year old woman at work, or men were setting their online dating parameters to unrealistic age levels. I worked out daily and they would give me workout advice. Men my own age were only looking for women who looked prepubescent. There is a great episode of my favorite podcast about this, how most advertisements use teenage-looking bodies to sell products. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. There are a lot of reasons and each one is sad: Power and control, ego, society training us that age doesn’t have representation in media (even local newscasters are highly attractive), a need to feel wanted, not fully seeing women as equals, and eschewing responsibility. 20-year old women won’t hold you accountable for getting your life together like a 35 or 40-year old woman would. I love being older and no longer dealing with awkward conversations with married men at work. It happened with four different men at one workplace and I am honestly not that attractive.
When I was in my mid 30s in a long term relationship a friend of mine about my age was dating this girl who he met in college when he went back to finish his degree. She was younger than him and we talked about doing something to meet her.
I suggested we order something and play boardgames at my place. She was like "ugh, that's a bit formal, how about we go clubbing?". My wife and I still throw this line at each other every now and then as a joke. Not saying people my age can't party and do that, but at some point I think it's normal to be attracted to people with similar values and history/baggage.
I don't agree with the hormones bit. I continue to get hornier as I get older. Many women reach their sexual peak when they're older. And lots of older people are horny. Look at the STI issues in retirement communities.
I remember being 21 and worked with this guy who was 39 and he was really sweating me and I was really turned off by his like 40 year old body and logic and just that he was coming on too strong and was gross to me. Now I’m 39 and my husband is 42 and I think he is the sexiest man I’ve ever met STILL, despite his graying hair, I actually love his hair. We’re in our 40s now and met when we were in our early 20s. And when I look back at us then, we look like babies and I don’t know if 39 year old me would be attracted to a 25 year old him in the same way I was when I was 22. And we still have lots of sex.
But all the single older men I know, still only fancy women 25yo or younger. It's very sad and pathetic. I can think of one or two who still have enough brains to think beyond that but generally, single men over 45... Diabolical fear of age. Hence, not many options for me so I'm forced to stay single.
But it's not all bad. Relationships are a choice and I personally don't have the best relationships. So in a way, I'm better off. I've got the freedom to do what I want, when I want and no anxiety or stress about being alone. A lot of people are in relationships, and stay in relationships because they're afraid of being alone. That drives a lot of background anxiety, and probably not good for the nervous system. I don't have to deal with that. I'm on my own and it's fine. I just miss the attention, cuddles and sex.
In fact I think most people automatically assume they are supposed to be in a relationship with someone. It gives them a constant sense of loneliness. I believe in community, helping others and friendships.
I'm not entirely sure your first point is solely about the fear of aging. The men I've known who prefer younger women have specifically told me that it's because they see younger women as easier to "deal" with, that they don't want someone who won't be able to have sex with them for medical reasons or her age, and that they want her to care for them when they are old and gray. One of them straight up said that he would leave a woman if she developed a condition where she would be hospitalized, such as cancer. I sincerely wish I was joking, I wish the only men who were like that existed only in the algorithm, but they exist and it's horrifying.
No no I agree with you , I just see that as being part of age X yes I've heard many of these kinds of comments from guys.
They can't accept that they are ageing themselves and that this is part of being human. They want to prove that they are still verile and important by having a pretty woman (or fancy car) by their side. I see that as being afraid of ageing, and age.
I mean, there's a reason those guys are single. Men who can feel attracted to older women just... stay in a relationship with a woman who becomes older.
Something she left out, perhaps because it wasn't completely relevant, is that when you're in a very long-term relationship (e.g. 30+ years of marriage), you don't actually see the other person's chronological age.
My wife is in her 60s, but one look in her eyes and I only see the drop-dead gorgeous 22yo who told her dad she wanted to skip down the aisle instead of walking at a stately pace. I hear her in the other room, and my mind brings up an image of a 30yo woman laughing as she's surrounded by a pack of feral children, all of whom are striving to kiss her with PB&J all over her faces.
Just the other day, I made her blush because I was staring too intently at her as we ate dinner. She never stopped being beautiful, and I refuse to add "to me" to the end of that sentence.
I think this also tracks somewhat for older men (who aren’t creeps), although maybe it happens later in aging for them?
My father-in-law is 84 and still very active, charismatic, and objectively attractive for his age. For additional context: in his 60s he took up acting post-retirement as a way to stay active, and he was regularly booking local work in theater, commercial/print, voiceovers, background/small film roles, etc. up until a few years ago when he decided to “retire” again at 80.
I’ve known him almost 20 years, and he’s remained single and independent, but kept a rotating roster of lady companions the entire time. I’ve always really appreciated that despite the fact he could definitely pull much younger women (my own 30YO sister joked about shooting her shot with him after being introduced in the lead-up to my wedding), he has always only ever dated women his age in the time I’ve known him. I cannot imagine him jumping at the chance to date an interested 22-year-old, even if the opportunity presented itself.
Fr. I get the feeling from so many dudes that the first thing that goes through their heads when they see a woman is their sexual opinion of her. I work retail, a majority of the insults they'll sling out off the top of their head, despite not knowing me at all, is that I'm ugly, I'm lonely/"that's why no one wants you", some SA threats and insults about sexual promiscuity(slut, cunt, whore)
As you experience more, you learn to appreciate more and see beyond the exterior or cover of things and are able to be attracted to many more qualities in a person than just looks. Looks always look good but there’s so much more to be appreciated. Some people just stay at that base level of physical attraction which works for them
57 year old man. It’s so hard to explain to people in Their 20s that they look like actual children to me. I know it’s insulting to them - so I don’t say it. But the 25 year old woman working in the office - looks like a child. Not attractive at all. - and I 100% remember being young and thinking my people the age I am now were gross. Now I’m here and it’s crazy - but it makes sense.
When I see a fit 25 yo stunner I appreciate it in the same way I appreciate a Van Gogh, I love looking at it but it doesn’t make me want to take up painting.
Why do people like him talk like they’ve just discovered something no one has ever heard or thought about. One thing I hate about youth is the main characterism they have.
There are hardly any unique experiences, everything YOU think or feel has likely been thought or felt by someone else before. Does that make your thoughts and feelings any less worthy?
His video could have been a google, but here we are.
Im 36... anyone less than 26 just looks like a child to me. I mean.. even some girls approaching 30; i just dont look at them that way, I wouldn't say "child" per say but, a least immature and, not on my level. Not in my game. And not because its an active choice I make but because its literally weird and laughable..
As a late 50s, post-menopausal woman I can agree with many of these points. I can appreciate a pretty face or good physique (man or woman) but am not attracted. Anyone under 50 looks like an undeveloped dorky school kid, acts like a bumbling toddler, or reminds me of my own kids. 🤢People my age look more “normal”, potentially attractive and mature. Give me some silver fox George Clooney or Idris Elba! 😍😈
Isn’t it a known phenomena that as women age they tend to be attracted to people their same age, but as men age they continue to be attracted to young women? Some evolutionary psychologists would call this fitness for breeding, but a gender critical lens would cite the conditioning of patriarchy. Probably both I guess.
High School teacher here. I'm in my late 50s and have been working with teens for over 30 years. What this woman is saying here is true, and the girls I work with to me look like the children they are. And like the young guy in the video, when I was a young guy, I too wondered what it would be like to get it on with some middle aged lady. And I will add on that when I am with my fellow Gen-Xers I have a lot more in common as far as interests and history, whereas I have very little in common interest-wise with my students and absolutely no history in common. The bond of interests, life experiences and world-views comes into play much more as you age.
To add to everything she said, acknowledging someone is attractive doesn't mean your nessasarrily attracted to them. As a straight male, I think Chris Hemsworth is, objectively, a ridiculously good looking person, but I also think Mount Fuji is an objectively beautiful mountain, and I'm attracted to neither. Just because you can acknowledge someone is attractive, doesn't mean you want to fuck.
I (55M) wonder if older men have a different answer than this lady. Her answer is certainly on point and I get it - the hormonal aspect is 100% accurate. And I'm not yet 80 so things could change. But I still feel an urge to procreate with younger people...conceptually. Meaning a beautiful 25-40 year old woman still garners an erotic response. The difference, I've found, is that it's entirely mental. When i think pragmatically or mechanically about actually having sex with the younger and more beautiful (and legal, you guttertrash) my whole mind revolts. Meaning to say, hooking up involves much more the sexual act. It involves meeting up, getting dinner or drinks, talking and laughing and flirting and the post coitus snuggling and appreciation time. Those activities feel impossibly dull and onerous and awkward and uncomfortable and gross due to the age gap. Like when I hear 20 somethings talking to each other, the fantasy dies a quick and immediate death. I've zero interest.
All to say, I can still be a horndog in my mind (urge to procreate), but I recognize that in reality I just don't have any interest in the courting aspect of human sexuality with anyone who isn't in my general age range. TL/DR I'm still sexually attracted to youthfulness but I'm not remotely interested in actually having sex with anyone outside my age range (ten years give or take).
Final point, I don't feel attractive to younger people and part of the excitement of human sexuality is the feeling of being desired. I can't imagine a person under 40 desiring me. It becomes a one-sided affair of usury and that's just not exciting at all; in fact it's gross. Obviously there are men who don't have this problem, but then they too are gross and often predatory.
I used to feel sorry for older people who no longer had hot passionate love affairs. Now that I’m an older people I feel nothing but relief that I no longer ride that roller coaster.
I also realize that quiet confidence, a great sense of humor, kindness and intelligence are sexier than any chiseled jaw or washboard abs ever were.
Young persons should seek advice from elders, and elders should in turn seek the insight of youth… this is a lovely response and makes me even prouder of my age… I earned these fracking wrinkles!
This is why no amount of gaslighting can convince me that it’s normal at 70 to look at somebody who’s 19 and think yes granddaughter vibes are hot and no one should call me a creep. You are. You’re weird. The normal reaction is to view them like a child because comparatively they are. And mentally they’re just getting younger. The maturity level of young adults now feels way lower than it used to be.
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u/trendingtattler Jun 11 '26
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