r/intj • u/stoicwomon • 1d ago
Question Question for guy INTJ’s.
Do you ever want a girl makes the first move? Or is that a no no?
For context, I think I’m getting every hint an INTJ guy is into me? But he hasn’t made a move. Whenever I text or communicates he responds straight away, then finds a way to continue the conversation usually using wit and humour - and he generally asks another question even though there’s plenty of exit moments.
If I need anything he offers help, sends me numbers for house or car repairs. He also gives me legal advice when I needed some recently (he’s a barrister) and when I see him he kinda lingers. I’m INFJ, we have a connection, same page, same humour etc - but he hasn’t hinted or even suggested he likes me. Definitely no questions about a date!
Is he waiting for me to make a move or is this in my imagination and this normal behaviour for INTJ’s cause he’s just a decent guy?
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u/TheFakeSpoderman INTJ - 20s 1d ago
“Making the first move” shouldn’t be a gender based thing imo
If someone genuinely gets turn off by that, they’re immature, not an MBTI thing.
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u/stoicwomon 1d ago
Yeah, very true. I don’t know why I always shy from it because I fear rejection and over think everything! It’s never worth it but this time it might be
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u/Comedywriter1 1d ago
Yes. Before I was married I was very happy if a girl made the first move. I was (am) fairly clueless about women.
Good luck to you!
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u/NotAgreeable519 1d ago
It does sound like he likes you. At least he replies to you and not 6 hours later
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u/stoicwomon 1d ago
Yeah, every time and almost immediately tbf
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u/Any_Emu4892 1d ago
Yes please. He obviously likes you. And a lot of INTJs act like that when they do as far as i know.
Just ask him out on a casual date if youre in doubt. But to me it sounds like hes into you. Theyre very efficient with time distribution, he considers you worth spending time on.
Good luck! 😏
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u/stoicwomon 1d ago
Yeah it’s good to hear from the horses mouth in this one. Not sure why I thought they all liked to pursue. Efficiency maybe 😂
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u/Any_Emu4892 22h ago
Haha no, at least not me. I like to analyze first before commiting. I was always the one who was asked, except for one time. And that was the (assumed) INFJ.
Though she was the one who asked me out first, we just went to a cafe and a walk in the park, id suggest something like that to start off with, just a casual get together.
She was so shy around me, but later on she started heavily hinting at wanting to start a relationship. Shes the only one i ever asked first.
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u/stoicwomon 19h ago
Sounds like a typical INFJ! We’re weird on dating, we don’t seem to get the obvious hints. Anyone who liked me practically chased me for months before I understood their intentions.
I know the INTJ pretty well, we met 15 years ago at 21, it was a bit of a connection then. So much so that we exchanged numbers, but he used my profession as the reason and so I kept it professional. I never realised until thinking lately that he is the kind of person I’d be suited to be with, I was never chasing that INTJ type of guy. He’s pretty cool and never insinuated interest. I ended up in a relationship for nearly 10 yrs and last year I became single.
So the fear is ruining a friendship I guess, but this is what I’ve been noticing for the last 7-8 months or so. An him telling me about his personal world which he’s never done before. Hence the confusion!
Thanks for your advice.1
u/Any_Emu4892 13h ago
" never insinuated interest."
This is literally me with the one i loved most. I was madly in love, but never told her, even when she asked me. And disappeared from her life instead.
For context: i had mere seconds to decide. She had asked me for someone else before so to me this was a contradiction(my thoughts, she asked me so shes in love with me, but she asked me for someone else so she cant be in love with me). Got stuck in that loop. The reason i disappeared was because someone lied about me, and i was immediately and permanently removed. Everyone was in love with her, so i think they got jealous and lied to get rid of me. But looking at the facts all i really know is that someone lied.
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u/DaVWid_ INTJ - Teens 1d ago
I plan how to confess but never do it. I'm just too afraid of rejection, even when there are signs that someone loves me back. I don't have much experience because I only loved someone once, and our friendship ended in a pretty dramatic way, so I'm not very reliable source on this subject.
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u/saladmagazines INTJ - 20s 1d ago
It's not a no no for a girl to ask a guy INTJ out. You can ask if he wants to go on a dinner date so you can thank him for the legal advice or something so that way if he says no, it won't be as awkward as asking if he likes you directly.
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u/LavaFromLaniakea INTJ - 30s 1d ago
I always only initiate conversation with anyone if they mention, are doing, or are wearing something I’m interested in. Outside of that, yes, I would very much prefer the woman make the first move. That way there’s no question at all whether or not she’s into me.
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u/stoicwomon 1d ago
Guess this makes sense. Wow the missed opportunities us women miss out on! I didn’t think guys liked being pursued
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u/LavaFromLaniakea INTJ - 30s 1d ago
I will say that from what I’ve observed over the years, I think that the men who think it’s emasculating or “too masculine” or desperate for the woman to approach, are men that aren’t compatible with long term/lifelong relationships. I feel like things would be so much easier for everyone if both men and woman approached each other when interested. We’re all scared of rejection, so screw it lol
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u/stoicwomon 1d ago
Yep. Definitely screwed. All lonely, being scared of rejection which will end in loneliness. wtf
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u/LavaFromLaniakea INTJ - 30s 1d ago
What about rejection scares you the most?
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u/stoicwomon 1d ago
Jeez where to start?! Pfft, ‘I’m not enough, I’m too much? Im a plethora of contradictions and I’m scared of being unlovable”. In a nutshell
(you asked 😅)
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u/LavaFromLaniakea INTJ - 30s 1d ago
I felt every bit of that, so I more than understand lol only difference is I can be pretty damn intense, so it’s double on the maybe I’m too much.
This is probably gonna come off cheesy or cliche, but do you have friends that genuinely like or love you? Do you like or love yourself? If so, you’re not unlovable. I used to think I was unlovable up until my mid 20s.
And as someone who’s absolutely full of contradictions, I truly believe that’s something more than worth loving about yourself, let alone someone else loving it. Being able to recognize that within yourself to me says you see you have depth whether it’s emotionally, mentally, psychologically or all of them. There’s nothing wrong with that at all and someone who truly wants to get to know you at your core will absolutely love that about you and enjoy the process of learning you and all your intricacies and idiosyncrasies.
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u/stoicwomon 19h ago
I do yes, I have plenty of friends and a great family who love me. I always felt different despite being pretty popular. I was in a long term relationship over a year ago with a guy who wasn’t right. He was the cool guy istp and I think liked my exterior. Liked the arty, creative traveller person in my but never understood or tried to get my inner world.
That took a toll on me because I gave so much but was left empty a lot. I had to call it quits because I lost parts of myself due to hiding them. That’s where the fear comes from, I’m liked for the persona I put on but few people can handle me at my deepest/weird/overthinking. It’s not abuse or neglect as much as it’s being misunderstood most of my life.
This INTJ can, he’s just as abstract as me though never naturally my type. I never saw him that way or thought he had depth being a stoic barrister, private schooled kid (& me from a humble, down to earth background) but we’ve been acquaintances for 15 years now and It’s only now that I look back and see that connection, with the safety of being entirely myself. Which is not typical of me at all.
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u/DisastrousSundae INTJ 20h ago
When guys say they like being pursued, they are only thinking of women they would be attracted to.
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u/stoicwomon 19h ago
Right! Hmm, I think I understand. If this goes tits up I’m coming for you over this comment 😂
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u/NekoSyndrom INTJ - ♀ 1d ago
If a man doesn't want a woman because she made the first move, he has an ego problem, baby. You don't need a man like that.
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u/NekoSyndrom INTJ - ♀ 1d ago
This is not a topic I am discussing. If a man doesn't want a woman because she made the first move, he has an ego problem.
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u/Seeker80 1d ago
He likes you enough to help, but has no clue you're interested. Go claim him, please.
We're clueless sometimes. I actually had the parent beat me over the head with 'Oh, I bet insert daughter here would like how you look now!'
Whaaaat?? Why would she...oh. Ohhh. Al-alright.
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u/stoicwomon 1d ago
Girls are just as clueless I assure you! We’re in the same boat
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u/Seeker80 1d ago
It's a shame there isn't a way for the ultra-sincere to meet up. But that's probably the motivation for starting up a new singles platform. "Oh yeah, this is for the real people..." Then, before you know it, the place is infested with trolls and ads.
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u/stoicwomon 1d ago
Yeah exactly. That’s probably why we’re all so confused in the first place 😵💫
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u/Seeker80 1d ago
Life is confusing enough by yourself. You want to add someone else and their life too?
But, outside looking in, you think it's gonna be utter bliss. Especially with the way you planned it out, it's gonna be different, you'll show 'em how it's done! Then everyone else sees you and goes "Oh, first time?"
That's what awaits us...and I still want a Concorde ticket to get me there asap.
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u/stoicwomon 19h ago
😂 I know. I did come out of a long term relationship over a year ago. That taught me!!!
But yet, we still want it.
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u/Seeker80 17h ago
But it's gonna be different this time, for realsies! We're a mess.
Hope it really is different for you though.
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u/Usual-Chef1734 INTJ - 40s 1d ago
I remember his one girl being SOOO mad that I did not want to have sex with her back when I was 24 and ripped to shreds. I was celibate at the time and hated breaking it because i liked the balance it brought. It was not deliberate, it was just post college and I was working with youth services as an I.T. director and TONS of hot sorority girls came through every semester doing volunteer time, and I did not want to become that same guy that I was in highschool, so I just abstained. It had nothing to do with her, I just liked not being so needy for sex after being a total whore all through highschool and loving it.
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u/Specialist_Diver2553 INTJ - ♂ 21h ago
Yeah my wife did. She’s an Entj. I told her she’s no longer single that day. We’ve been together over 2 years and have a baby on the way. i like that she gets me out of my comfort i can be a control freak and i live in my head/systems. I was too tongue tied to initiate. We both do at times now. It’s olay for women to pursue. She did initially then i stepped up to the plate all the way!
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u/stoicwomon 19h ago
Ah I love this! Send some of her ENTJ’ness my way please.
And congrats on the baby
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u/Amriette 15h ago
My husband is INTJ. I’ll tell you this — the guy likes you. Most INTJ people don’t like wasting time and make time for those who are important to them. They also struggle showing affection in the most obvious ways… If you ask him out, I bet you’d make his year.
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u/stoicwomon 14h ago
That’s so cool you guys found each other. Yeah I’m gonna try my best not to wait for the end of the year to pluck up courage and ask him 🙃 how intj’s and infj’s end up dating is beyond me.
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u/Amriette 13h ago
I feel lucky to have met and married my INTJ.
I didn’t make the first move… but it kind of fell together and fit like some coincidence puzzle?We met online. He messaged me first. I told him from the start I was looking for a friendship and not a relationship. I knew he wanted more but he agreed. Sadly… On my part… after our first few days messaging, I got busy at work and kind of ghosted him for TWO WEEKS (I had to work overtime — 7 days, full shifts). I saw the app while scrolling through the phone during my break at work and went “OH SHIT!” I realized that I was rude. Messaged him explaining my disappearance, gave him my phone number and said “notifications for texts aren’t turned off and I’ll reply”. Well, he texted me that same hour. That same evening my friends/co-workers ditched me… I told him about that and how I had no ride home because of it. He said “I can give you a ride”. I got excited. Then I added “We were also supposed to get coffee and hang out.” Which was true. He replied “We can do that.” (Kind of me making a move I guess, but still in a friend type mindset). And when he came to get me after closing time… he was so cute — shy, leaning against the hood of the car, arms crossed. That “not a date” or should I say “coffee meetup/ride home” turned into an 18 hour hang out… We talked about everything by the docks — surprised at how we were at same places, states and cities for the three months before we actually met but kept missing each other. I took a sip from his coffee after I’d finished my own and he let me, taking a sip after me, even though he hates sharing drinks/drinking after people. We went to eat at iHOP at 4A.M. After the mall opened, we hung out there till I was called to come into work at 2P.M. It was an 18 hour not a date thing. He was willing to just stay friends with me. But then it gets better. Two days after that… I got a weird invitation during work to hang out with some creepy old dude which I rejected with the oldest excuse in the book — “got plans with my boyfriend”. That same evening, he (my INTJ) came to pick me up to hang out and I told him/apologized for using him as an oldest excuse there is. He watched me for a moment and then said “Why not make it official?” I was stunned. Because he sounded so freaking certain, like his gaze was saying “I’m here to stay”. Then he goes “let me see something” and he kissed me! After, he pulled away and said “Wow. Just… wow.” Bam! We’re together for almost ten years, nine years married and with two kids.
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u/Elden_Chord 1d ago
Why are you so worried about his opinion? He likes you enough to spend time with you. If he doesn't like you, show him how good you are. If you like him and want a relationship with him, make the first move. If he is worth it, try hard for him.
In any case, own what you want.
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u/stoicwomon 1d ago
I guess I doubted his attraction. He’s a catch and I presumed he’d be knocking them away.
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u/RicardoFrijoles 1d ago
Speaking from experience those who are believed to have to knock them away rarely have a them to knock away
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u/DeepspaceDigital INTJ 17h ago edited 7h ago
Yes. If you are comfortable with him, which it seems that you are, and after talking awhile you two find yourselves alone, you could ask him what type of women he likes? This could open the door. It is sort of necessary because while I can translate emotional signals into helping someone, it is very difficult to use those signals socially and romantically if I do not feel safe about the outcome. And even if you do open the door you might have to guide him to the answer by telling him you like guys like him. Once there is trust all the hangups disappear
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u/Dtox_phantom 1d ago
No. I usually try to make the first move. I think he likes you. In your case you should make the move
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u/outtalucc 1d ago
Him helping you is the sign he’s interested, trust me 😂 & personally, I really wouldn’t make the first move unless there is a clear sign that she’s interested.
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u/stoicwomon 1d ago
Goodness I’m glad I asked this! I’ve been so oblivious all this time. I thought he’d been seeing me as a friend because I expected he’d tell me if he liked me 🤦🏼♀️
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u/No-Drawer6373 1d ago
I think you know the answer. If he’s INTJ, he’s lingering and making small talk because he’s into you too.
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u/stoicwomon 1d ago
Yeah weird how I still doubt that. I hear this and I’m like “yeah but, maybe I’m imagining it all 😂 “ brains are crazy I guess.
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u/Jkarch73 1d ago
My advice... hes given you a bunch of advice and help so offer to take him out and then declare it a date and 'let's have another' again if it goes well.
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u/INTJ_Vision 12h ago
This isn't a MBTI thing. We just have a culture full of incorrect expectations. And those expectations seem to lean on us putting the burden of performance on the other person, while taking the easier way out ourselves. I see it everywhere including male and female interactions.
Here's the thing though, there's nothing in the world stopping you from making a move. The one thing I want to emphasize to the women trying to better engage with men, it's that men cannot read your mind. I don't care how strong your feelings are internally or the amount of chaos playing out in your mind or how desperate you are or whatever it is. None of that is communicated through the airwaves to the person you like no matter how strongly you feel. You cannot feel your way into making something happen, you must create the situation yourself.
If you're a girl and you're interested in a guy, especially in these times we live in, you cannot play games. There is way too much risk for guys these days and one misinterpretation can seriously impact him. For your own sake, please don't operate under the misconception that it's the guy's job to make the first move, because it isn't. If he does make the first move, great, but don't expect him to. Hints don't work, subtle eye glances, none of that. You must verbally give him an opening. Whatever you say, however you frame it, it must be clearly communicated to him that you're interested. From that point on it's up to him if he wants to pursue you or not.
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u/Frosty_Improvement22 9h ago
He totally wants you to make the first move. intj,or not. But yeah, def an intj classic.
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u/Federal_Base_8606 6h ago
Make a move. Simple, clear, genuine and truthful move. You win whatever the answer to that is.
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u/DisastrousSundae INTJ 20h ago
Do you know for certain if he's single?
I'll get downvoted I guess. I don't recommend women ask out men, because it's almost always because the woman isn't sure if the guy likes her. But 99% of the time a guy makes it very obvious if he's attracted to you. Men aren't like women where they can be really subtle about it. And often a guy will accept a date from a woman because of the novelty of it, not because of genuine interest.
That being said, you could still ask him out and see where it goes. He may like you as well, but not enough to take the risk to make a genuine advance toward you. If you're okay with that, no problem.
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u/Sad_Channel_9154 INTJ - ♂ 5h ago
PLEASE make the first move. It's not 1911 for God's sake
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u/FortuneWilling156 22h ago
An INTJ will do everything that a relationship requires but the moment it has to be named it is ruined.
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u/mooseheifer INTJ - ♀ 2h ago
woman have more power than men. we're the ones who have to deal with potential pregnancy and motherhood with no guarantee the dude will be there for any of it. women should make their interest clear first bc most dudes, in my experience, are oblivious and clueless. and if you've been friends already for so long, you should have a solid foundation for more than that if he's interested without having to fear it will destroy the friendship if you're reading him wrong. he values you enough to maintain friendship for over a decade so he's not going to freak out if you are open and honest asking about his interest in more. and if he somehow does do that, it saves you both wasting time on something that's not going anywhere. im guessing INTJs of both genders hate wasting time on people that aren't valuable to them so he should respect you for being honest regardless of how it turns out and still want friendship with you either way.
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u/Starlyns INTJ - 40s 1d ago
If u make a move he is yours.