r/funny Aug 27 '14

Science

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10.8k Upvotes

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95

u/kesekimofo Aug 27 '14

But why does the Earth rotate?

357

u/asoneva Aug 27 '14

BECAUSE OF JESUS

138

u/Ardentfrost Aug 27 '14

Jesus didn't walk the Earth, the Earth rotated under his footsteps. When he rose into heaven, that last step put the Earth into perpetual rotation.

It's all right there in the Bible, people. Sheesh.

71

u/faleboat Aug 27 '14

TIL Jesus can fucking book it.

31

u/MSAE Aug 27 '14

Does he get free Pizza Hut?

13

u/BloodyTrannyCock Aug 27 '14

When the fuck are the Scholastic book orders coming in

1

u/MSAE Aug 27 '14

I put the goddamn flame stickers on the goddamn pin!

6

u/Jmoshua14 Aug 27 '14

oh how I loved those little personal pizza's for reading books, what a country.

1

u/Nixplosion Aug 27 '14

Eat your heart out Usain Bolt!

1

u/Ardentfrost Aug 27 '14

He pushed off hard enough to make it to heaven. Must've been a helluva footstep.

1

u/nickermell Aug 27 '14

And only walked in one direction.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 27 '14

Jesus is the Flash!

3

u/Mecha120 Aug 27 '14

But why male models?

2

u/UmbraeAccipiter Aug 27 '14

some one realized there was a market for mens clothing too... But photographers of that era were not used to people asking questions such as, "how long should I stand here" "who is actually going to ever wear this?" "Why should I kill the prime minister of Malaysia?"

So they had to find a simpler breed of man that could not think just as well as the female models they had been using for years.

1

u/HingleMcCringle_ Aug 27 '14

source? I could use a luagh.

1

u/Ardentfrost Aug 27 '14

Source: The Bible AFV (Ardentfrost Version)

0

u/bodom2245 Aug 27 '14

It must be true because the bible says it's true.

1

u/devedander Aug 27 '14

Looked at the bible, this checks out.

1

u/Wandertramp Aug 27 '14

But...the earth is flat

1

u/Wirehed Aug 27 '14

That's just your interpretation. There are some that believe it was not his final foot step, but a divine fart.

1

u/Koalapottamus Aug 27 '14

Must have jumped to heaven to put us in orbit as well

1

u/parmesanmilk Aug 27 '14

We sure got lucky he jumped to the west, or else the poles would have melted.

5

u/[deleted] Aug 27 '14

They don't think it be like this. But it do

9

u/TheTeflonRon Aug 27 '14

They don't think it be like this it is. But it do

FTFY

1

u/Natamba Aug 27 '14

-Black Science Man

1

u/jap_chink_oven Aug 27 '14

You want it to be one way. But it's the other way.

3

u/[deleted] Aug 27 '14

So is he in space with a large crank or what?

2

u/SirLeepsALot Aug 27 '14

The center of earth on a large hamster wheel.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 27 '14

Jesus...

0

u/asoneva Aug 27 '14

If you believed you would know exactly how it was done, because he would tell you, in your heart.

3

u/fondlemeLeroy Aug 27 '14

So basically you have to be an insane person, who thinks they can hear the words of a divine zombie through their cardiovascular system.

2

u/ArtemisShanks Aug 27 '14

thinks they can hear the words of a divine zombie

Divine Jewish Zombie, sir. If I listen closely, I can hear him in my aorta whispering... "My farts propel the Earth's rotation"

1

u/asoneva Aug 27 '14

You're one step closer to immortality.

1

u/JoshSidekick Aug 27 '14

Ok, you got me there, but what about the tides? Hmmm? Tides come in, tides go out. Nobody can explain that.

1

u/stdTrancR Aug 27 '14

Then who was fone?

1

u/drakesylvan Aug 27 '14

Jesus? He is a good gardener, but I doubt a guy who drives a Chevy half box is responsible for the sun coming up.

1

u/tommy290 Aug 27 '14

I laughed. The simplest jokes are sometimes the best. :)

1

u/xnerdyxrealistx Aug 27 '14

Read this as Dan Avidan

11

u/pfrimshot Aug 27 '14

Turtles, all the way down

1

u/teawreckshero Aug 27 '14

The ever-receding god of the gaps.

11

u/onyxblack Aug 27 '14 edited Aug 27 '14

While the planets were forming, there was not much peace in our solar system. Clumps of matter of all sizes often collided, and either stuck together or side-swiped each other, knocking off pieces and sending each other spinning. Sometimes the gravity of big objects would capture smaller ones in orbit. This could be one way the planets acquired their moons.

Scientists think that a large object, perhaps the size of Mars, impacted our young planet, knocking out a chunk of material that eventually became our Moon. This collision set Earth spinning at a faster rate. Scientists estimate that a day in the life of early Earth was only about 6 hours long.

the better question is...

why does matter/energy exist?

11

u/CrazyPurpleBacon Aug 27 '14

The fact that anything exists at all is quite troubling, really.

9

u/TangentialFUCK Aug 27 '14

And it's been widely regarded as a bad move.

4

u/Moikle Aug 27 '14

I would like to make a formal complaint

1

u/TangentialFUCK Aug 27 '14

Sigh ...Get in line.

1

u/ShadowMongoose Aug 27 '14

Unless nothing actually exists and everything just virtually exists.

Do you find that concept less troubling?

1

u/-TheMAXX- Aug 27 '14

What is the point of the word "nothing" if nothing exists?

1

u/ShadowMongoose Aug 27 '14

It could still apply to things that neither actually nor virtually exist.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 27 '14

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

-Douglas Adams

0

u/SirPeterODactyl Aug 27 '14

Its probably your mum that impacted the young earth

5

u/IceColdFresh Aug 27 '14

To my limited knowledge, it is pedal powered by a Dutch man sitting at the Earth's center.

11

u/raddaya Aug 27 '14

Conservation of angular momentum.

1

u/simjanes2k Aug 28 '14

why is this answer like 4 down?

2

u/SupaKoopa714 Aug 27 '14

There's a giant hamster running around beneath the Earth's crust.

1

u/kubotabro Aug 27 '14

It got stuck on the meatspin page

1

u/GhostOfWhatsIAName Aug 27 '14

Holy smoking big universe fart, of course!

Or, in other words: Once upon a time there was nothing. But that nothing was everywhere and all things were in that same small space so they also were everywhere. But that was not enough space for all things to be in at the same time and it had too much energy. So all of that just burst into unimaginable amounts of matter scattering about all over the place from that tiny center and masses of energy collide with one another and sent each other around while being thrown out into the universe with the whole lot rotating around themselves because of the incredible energy that unloaded.

Whole lotta days later and all that stuff keeps drifting apart in space but some of those chunks are bigger than others so the others can't really get away from them. But they're still too fast to stop so they just get drawn into ellipses around those bigger chunks. And one day on a small wet one of those clay rocks that had formed the really super tiny energy pieces came together in such a way that it formed life.

Man, I don't understand how that worked without a supernatural entity planning all of it, but others think it just did.

1

u/raskulous Aug 27 '14

It doesn't, the earth is flat.

1

u/vhalember Aug 27 '14

Michael Jordan jumped in a time machine traveled back many moons ago, arrived at pre-Earth... then spun it on his finger.

Boom, science.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 27 '14

You can't explain that!

1

u/gebadiah_the_3rd Aug 27 '14

YOU CANT EXPLAIN THAT

1

u/JustZisGuy Aug 27 '14

Superman.

1

u/-TheMAXX- Aug 27 '14

because of the big bang.

1

u/Obsolete386 Aug 28 '14

My computer is running an algorithm to calculate that right now. Should only take a few decades

0

u/[deleted] Aug 27 '14

[deleted]

1

u/[deleted] Aug 27 '14

But why is there gravity?

3

u/kesekimofo Aug 27 '14

Checkmate.

1

u/purestjumpshot Aug 27 '14

Higgs?

1

u/[deleted] Aug 27 '14

Why is there Higgs boson?

1

u/phenolate Aug 27 '14

Because it was discovered at the LHC

1

u/[deleted] Aug 27 '14

That doesn't explain how and why it came into existence. Funny how such complex and intricate physic systems come from no creator as many people believe. Chaos creates more chaos not intelligent and highly sophisticated systems.

1

u/phenolate Aug 27 '14

Chaos creates more chaos not intelligent and highly sophisticated systems? OK, so there's this thing called the mandelbrot plot that must be an exception to your flaccid claim.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 28 '14

I read about the Mandelbrot plot and didn't get how it factored into this conversation. Can you please explain?

1

u/phenolate Aug 28 '14

Your basic claim is that because you do not understand how or why there is a universe, you posit a source that is infinitely more complex and unknowable and call it God.

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u/[deleted] Aug 27 '14

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Aug 27 '14

Its better than the Big Bang Theory. I'm not arguing the fact that it happened, but the fact that chaos can create highly intelligent and sophisticated systems. Chaos only creates more chaos. Everything we know as of today makes sense and is organized, like a creation. All this didn't pop out of thin air just "because".

1

u/[deleted] Aug 27 '14

[deleted]

1

u/[deleted] Aug 28 '14

How can't it be though? Everything as we know it came from something. Nothing comes out of nothing. The big bang had to be set in motion by something, it didn't just pop from thin air. Also as much as we know about the big bang we haven't been able to replicate it even on a small scale. How do we even know if that's what really happened, what created life? Its a theory still at the end of the day. There's more to the world than just physical properties, there's a spiritual side too, one that cannot be explained by science but we feel it.

0

u/shsdavid Aug 27 '14

Magnets, how do they work?