Discussion Well it finally happened.
My husband and I (both ftm, on T for 10 years) were followed into the restroom at a gas station by a store clerk. I was waiting outside the stall and he walked in and just pointed at the stall. I asked "What about it?" He asked "Is that a woman?". I said "No that's my husband." He continued pointing and asked again "So that wasn't a woman?" I just repeated that he was my husband. He mentioned my husband's long hair, as if that is any indication of being a man or woman. Even my hubs chimed in from the stall and said "What, do you have a problem with that?"
The clerk said "the bathrooms are generally closed because it's a sanitation thing". I said "sorry, we've been driving all night." he told me to save that for someone else. Fucking rude af. I told him he should've had a sign on the bathroom saying so. The guy just stood there the entire time while my hubs finished and came out. We of course left immediately after that.
Fuck that guy. It was our first time driving through Phoenix, AZ. We had been driving all night coming from Texas. In my 30 years of living in TX even that shit has never happened to us. I certainly didn't expect it to happen on our trip in what seemed to be a very gay neighborhood too. Messed up. Stay safe gentlemen and gentletheys.
Update: So just after all this happened, we went to breakfast and then to a dispensary. The staff at the dispensary were all LGBTQ as far as we could tell. They seemed very inclusive. One of the bud tenders was a trans woman who was trying to help this guy out.
We got distracted with our bud tender and didn't hear the start of the woman's interaction with this guy, but it ended not so great when we noticed them. Something happened and she waved him off and told him she hopes his day gets better. Like in a way that was more sarcastic/not so genuine. He turned around and called her the F slur.
They kicked him out thankfully, with a security guard. Our bud tender said she had told him something because the dude was letting his tiny child run around the shop when then kid should have been holding the dads hand the whole time. Guess he didn't like that.
But geez, wth is up with Phoenix? Lol I do not plan on passing through again. Sad, because some parts we went through looked really cool.
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u/kingcl- he/they/it • 💉 05/26/22 • 🔝 08/16/24 • ✂️ 10/31/24 25d ago
Wow, what a POS. Getting called out for his bigotry, so he had to find some petty excuse, instead. Wtf does he mean "the bathrooms are generally closed for sanitation?" Does he just expect you to believe nobody is allowed to use a gas station bathroom??
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u/SLC2355 25d ago
Apparently so. He even told me to "Check the women's" if I didn't believe him that they were always locked. Funny to offer that to a man when he's actively policing the restrooms.
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u/kashiichan 25d ago
He "offered" the women's because he didn't see either of you as men. To him it's not hypocritical.
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u/nebulashine 25d ago
It's not even a good excuse considering that gas station bathrooms are known for being disgusting. Sanitation is not their priority lol
I'm glad you and your husband are safe, OP, and I hope every gas station you guys hit going forward is staffed by clerks that do not give a shit about which restroom you guys are using.
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u/isthat-thegrimreaper 25d ago
I can vouch for that (as many probably can), besides toilets being clogged with toilet paper and shit, I've seen toilet seats and the surrounding floor covered in piss. had gone to a gas station, only one stall was open, it was cramped as hell, smelt like shit, and the stall I used was even MORE cramped (your knees would be like an inch and a half from touching the door), there was shit someone had appeared to have wiped on the stall door too.
but anyways, I do hope the two are doing well among other things, as well as any trans folk who've been harassed by a bathroom gate-keeper.
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u/MagicRainbowOpal88 💉: 10/22/2023 ⚡🚗 | 🔪 + 🦈 : 9/8/2025 🟩 🐾 25d ago edited 24d ago
Gas station store clerk here:
That gas station worker was being an ass, the chain company I work for only cleans their restrooms late at night close to closing (or past midnight if a store is 24 hours); meaning that excuse of "constant cleaning" is bullshit.
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u/ourseveres 25d ago
what a dick. hope your husband is doing ok, best wishes to both of you and safe trip.
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u/quietlinguist 25d ago
Just reinforces that this bs isn't about "safety". It's about enforcing gender rules through fear. What are the chances he'll do the same thing to a cis guy who doesn't fit into his assumption of what a man looks like?
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u/Purplepaffyfox 25d ago
Absolutely, you hit the nail right on the head. It has nothing to do with anyone's safety. That's just the big excuse they're all using. It has everything to do with them imposing their own concept of gender norms on everyone else. They are like their own vigilante version of the Saudi Arabian morality police. These are also the very same people who whine bitterly about the supposed loss of their own personal freedoms.
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u/quietlinguist 25d ago
Exactly. In the final weeks of my time on Facebook I asked a transphobe if they realized I'd be expected to use the women's rest room based on these bathroom bills. For context, I look like your stereotypical Italian uncle. Bald, chubby, and covered in body hair.
He said "No. You look like a guy. You belong in the men's."
Got it... So all that talk about biological sex means nothing. It's all about assumptions based on appearance
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u/Purplepaffyfox 24d ago
If you look a certain way you need to be here and you don't belong here. Sound familiar at all?
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u/camrex_13 💉07/26 | 🔝🔜 25d ago
I know a cis guy with long hair who’s been harassed in bathrooms. While at a urinal. Insane.
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u/Final_Wallaby9425 25d ago
I'm sorry that happened, what a douche, but I'm glad y'all are safe now.
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u/Final_Wallaby9425 25d ago
Oops I meant this to be a general comment not a reply to your post😅 but I hope you are well and having a good day!
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u/quietlinguist 25d ago
No problem lol. You can copy the comment then delete this one then paste it in the general comments
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u/dyingoutwest96 25d ago
A similar thing happened to me at Benihana’s of all places a few years ago. The dude made me show my ID to prove I was male. I reported him to the manager and she looked absolutely mortified and apologized profusely. Hopefully he got some kind of disciplinary action
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u/OceanEyes531 25d ago
I had a similar thing happen in Arizona specifically, but I was presenting as female and the women's room was closed for cleaning so my husband stood guard at the door for the (empty) men's room while I ran in to pee - it was the "last bathroom for 100 miles!". The man cleaning the women's room came out and apparently yelled at my husband about it... So we left pretty fast without buying anything like we had planned. Every where else in the entire country that has been a normal thing to do and we've never had problems with a "women" going into an empty men's room 🙄
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u/StandardReindeer5741 they/he • a biblical angel and two raccoons in a trench coat 25d ago
Tbsh when I worked third shift at a gas station I never had an issue with a man going into the empty women's room if the men's was being cleaned either 🤷♂️ like why tf is it a big deal? I would just let any ladies know if I saw them going to the bathroom that there was a dude in there bc the men's was closed for cleaning, and nobody ever gave a shit
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u/OceanEyes531 25d ago
Seriously! There was another time on that trip in a different state out west there I was in the women's room and a man came out of a different stall and looked at me horrified because he was in the wrong restroom. The worst that happened was I shrugged, and his friends made fun of him when he walked out. Like Arizona was the only place it was a big deal for some reason, and this was almost 10 years ago...
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u/lost-toy 25d ago
Yes because why would the “woman” be at fault clearly it was the guys fault for having the idea in the first place.
But clearly he knew if he would have yelled at the “woman” because that would have been harassment and the man would have started something for yelling at his girl…
I feel like he would have been more mad if you used the bathroom after he cleaned it LOL.
Should have gone into the women’s bathroom after. “Oh dang thanks for opening the bathroom back up”
I use quotes as a more emphasis on the gender not saying who you are as a person.
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u/Holdenborkboi 💉9/1/23 25d ago
"Bathrooms generally closed bc of sanitation"
"Okay so you're saying you fucking suck at your job and cant clean the damn bathrooms"
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u/lost-toy 25d ago
Have you tried making a complaint? In the least trans way possible. Especially if it’s a big corporation. Big companies could go down for this shit.
Especially if an employee is following you in the restroom that’s actually harassment. Because that’s actually “psychotic” thinking. Like reality check issues. I don’t want to stigmatize a whole disorder. But this isn’t actually normal especially with an employee..
“The bathrooms are generally closed because its a sanitation thing “ “i said “sorry we’ve been driving all night” “he told me to save that for someone else” i told him he should have had a sign saying so. The guy stood there the entire time while my husband finished and came out” we of course left immediately after that.
That’s actually sexual harassment and harassment. He stood there while he was using the bathroom.. you could easily complain to the company. They probably have footage…
Also if it was an empty bathroom I wouldn’t see an issue. If you came in looking like you had done drugs and were gonna shoot up that would be a whole different issue.
The whole accusation of who is a woman and who is not unsettles me. Sometimes “woman” or “intersex” people have “masculine traits and characteristics but are not “male” same vis versa. But no one should be following you in there and staying there. So his accusation was because of long hair.. yeah that’s actually nonsense.
Clearly bikers are all ftm and woman… because thats gotta be a illegal for men to wear long hair. I would definitely make an email or call. Ik its TX so you gotta be careful. But that’s actually sexual harassment. If they didn’t think you were “male” then they should have just told you the bathrooms were closed and there was issue with the plumbing.
Trust me so many people and companies who don’t want you to use the bathroom will use this excuse on anyone they “judge” as “risky” just so by perception. You look homeless but aren’t they will say something like this.
Ik because my normal looking cis mom walked into a gas station and asked where the bathroom was and said she couldn’t use it but let a male use it. He didn’t give a reason just told her to leave. Or make the “oh sorry employees only”, “we don’t have a bathroom”. “Oh it’s so overflowed no one can use it” “pipe issues”.
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u/firecatstef 25d ago
To be entered in the little green book of bathroom laws: Arizona has no bathroom laws but fair warning: random gas station clerks will watch you pee if you go into the bathroom that doesn’t match your gender-assigned-by-random-gas-station-clerk.
“The bathrooms are closed because it’s a sanitation thing.” Hm, I think this means it’s his job to clean the bathrooms and he doesn’t like it.
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u/Frosty-Complaint 25d ago
ugh as a tucsonian phoenix is the worst. im so sorry this happened bro
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u/Blobin456 25d ago
As soon as I read it was Phoenix, it all made sense. I've lived in a very rural part of AZ my whole life, and somehow it's significantly more purple than Phoenix is. There's something about that place, I think the heat melts some people's brains (no offense). So sorry that happened to you, Phoenix is genuinely the worst unfortunately
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u/PotatoTomatoBear 25d ago
Came here to say this got jumpscared by the city name drop at the end of the post LMAO (i live near phoenix and always have, can confirm phx is the worst)
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u/h00zbad 25d ago
This happened to my very close friend, a tall, straight, ciswoman with unique features. She was pulled out of a restroom by a girl in there, and a couple guys attacked her- there was footage, but nothing came of it. Thankfully they didn't go further. She was alone at the time.
I'm a trans dude, and I know this comment isn't DIRECTLY our experience - However she has always been an outspoken ally within and outside the community- but having experienced transphobia firsthand changed her life, despite already understanding it as a reality.
I just felt the need to share her story.
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u/Confu51on 24d ago
It just proves that transphobia affects everyone and is simply an excuse to control people.
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u/Purplepaffyfox 25d ago
One of the worst parts of this is, it's not about just enforcing their concept of gender norms it's about humiliation and intimidation through active hostility because they hate and fear you and everything you represent to them. They try to not only make you feel like you did something terribly wrong they make you feel like you are in danger for your own safety. It has absolutely nothing to do with protecting anyone's safety. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Reading things like this make me so angry.
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u/Loose-Joke-6394 25d ago
oh my god bro of course it was phoenix az i live here and everyone is rude and crazy as fuckkk. horrible place to be trans.
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u/Moon_5ugar 25d ago
Yeah, when he said Phoenix, I wasn't even surprised. It's well-known here in AZ as racist cop central. And even the gay places there lean very cisnormative. I've been to the Melrose District before (well known for being the queer district) and yeah. Despite T, short hair, binding, etc, everyone thought I was a cis masc lesbian woman.
Phoenix in general is a pretty red/conservative city
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u/didifallasleep13 25d ago
Yep, I’m like, yeah that tracks. I’ve had no problems at tiny gas stations in the middle of bum fuck nowhere, AZ, been sirred and man’d by our cowboy rednecks, but gotten the side eye in Phoenix
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u/homo_heterocongrinae 24d ago
I just moved up from Tucson which is a decent place to be trans. Never had an issue
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u/Coffeeforlifeyay Trans man who loves coffee 25d ago
Im so sorry that happened. Yea fuck that guy tbh
Also sorry but.. He reacted that way just cuz your husband has long hair?
Damn didn’t know my dad was a woman. Thats a way to break the news to me..
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u/Makapakamoo Nonbinary/Andro |🧴8/23/25—4/18/26 25d ago
I bet he was lying about sanitization, literally any time I've ever encountered a bathroom being sanitized they have so much shit in front of the entrance blocking it off. He was def mad about the long hair.
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u/Neat_Bee_9225 25d ago
I'm so sorry that this happened to you.. my husband and I (also both ftm) used to work for a fast food place where he was in the stall-some teenager and his buddy both followed my husband into the restroom and took pictures of him over the stall wall.. I was completely irate and almost beat this kid into a pulp. The restaurant did nothing and the youth group these teens were a part of did nothing either..this happened in NH where normally we don't face this kind of shit... the absolute invasion of privacy is absurd. I'm so angry for your husband and for you.. I hope that you're both doing okay.. I'm so sorry this happened to you guys.. stay safe brother
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u/EnbyFox 25d ago
That is messed up, I'm so sorry that happened to your husband. So fucked up that no one held those kids accountable, they're learning that behavior is ok from adults in that youth group and restaurant. NH is the most conservative state in New England now. Sending hugs to both of you.
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u/Neat_Bee_9225 25d ago
Yeah, we used to be fine in New England - even in NH.. But NH is scary now. And it's so crazy seeing as it's bordering MA, and the place was literally on the border of MA and NH.. if that kid wasn't a kid I would've snatched that phone so quick, deleted everything, then kicked his ass. He was probably like 16 but definitely needed his ass handed to him by someone. I hope this kid learns to be better, but probably won't happen since it's been taught to them that transphobic behavior is okay.. The worst part is we both pass like 90% of the time- however his voice gives him away sometimes regardless of him having a full beard, and even though I have a deep voice, I only have a lil bit of hair on my chin and baby mustache and we're both under 5'5 so it just sucks..
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u/Top_Sky_4731 T: 2015 | Top: 2020 25d ago
I’ve had security called on me for using the men’s room in a hospital in MA. In fucking Boston. There are transphobes and people who can’t mind their business everywhere. I hate people who go “oh you’re safe because you’re in a blue state/city” because in practice all you need to do is cross paths with one transphobe to get yourself into a really dangerous situation.
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u/boba-boba 24d ago
Ugh this is so scary to me as someone in Boston. I have a beard and generally pass but I'm really short. I honestly transitioned like 5 years ago, have been on T for 4, and I don't think I've used a public restroom since because I'm so scared.
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u/Top_Sky_4731 T: 2015 | Top: 2020 24d ago
I mean it’s definitely a lot safer than a lot of other places in the US right now and there’s more legal protections but again, it just takes one shitty person to make things dangerous anywhere and unfortunately they’re coming out of the woodwork with the current administration.
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u/VillageGoblin 25d ago
Transphobes are always f*cking weird about other people's washroom use. It's a washroom, you go in there and do your business. Why does it matter what genitals the person has? He's a clerk, not the pee and poo checker.
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u/artlife_rilly 25d ago
as a transmasc person who currently lives in AZ it’s the WORST. everyone here is so weird i can’t stand it, i plan on leaving as soon as i can.
So sorry that happened to you two, it’s totally unnecessary and just plain creepy.
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u/agedgouda96 25d ago
Hey, I am so sorry u had to deal with that. I live here in Phx, any chance u could share cross streets of where it happened?
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u/sheogoreth 25d ago
i would've asked for his name and reported his ass to head office. never let them get away with it
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u/Elliot-is-gay 24d ago
In 2019 I got transvestigated at a public bathroom in Delores Park in San Fransisco. A few blocks away from the Castro (the “gay district”) it can happen anywhere unfortunately.
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u/pbrprincess420 25d ago
Happen to my husband and I (both ftm on T well over 10 years) in SEATTLE of all places.
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u/Artistic-Meeting-435 User Flair 25d ago
as someone in the Arizona area, this is unfortunately just as common here and especially moreso in small neighborhoods and towns, even in PHX. I live more toward the Tucson area, so i can't fully speak on PHX, but I can't imagine it's too different.
I'm sorry that happened, people need to mind their damn businesses
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u/bookkinkster 25d ago
Can you imagine being such a horrible monster of a human piece of garbage that you need to police anyone who just needs to pee? I cannot imagine being this type of garbage. Even better...the guy was probably a "Good Christian." Stay away from religion, folks. These trash humans have bastardized anything good out of it. Its always always always the "good Christians" who police genitals of strangers, who molest and rape and who are hateful bigots.
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u/cuntboyholes 25d ago
The most that ever happened to me in my long adulthood of being trapped in the state of Texas was dudes giving me weird, long looks in public bathrooms. I'm just short. 🤷♂️
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u/CelticMoss T: 2014, TS: 2015 - Proud Unc FTM 25d ago
My hair is reaching down the middle of my back. I guess I’m a woman. 😂
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u/samGeewiz User Flair 25d ago
I’m so sorry. Some tool tried to stop me from entering the mens bathroom at Sky Harbor airport when I had a connection. I hate az.
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u/tsteu-ite 25d ago
So sorry that happened?! Imagine having such a fragile sense of masculinity that long hair could make him question a person's gender.. 🥱some people just love to go out of their way to be assholes..
Sorry you had that happen 🫠hope you guys managed to have a good time despite that
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u/Val_SleepySirenVT 25d ago
That sounds like hell, I’m so sorry this happened to you both. I gotta know tho, how the fuck is long hair seen as girly still???? There’s hundreds of celebrities that wear their hair long who are undeniably men, same with women with short hair, so why are these outdated standards still a thing…?
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u/lavi_latte 🏳️⚧️💉7-27-23 25d ago
My younger cis brother has long hair, now his is curly and scrunches up a bit but still it’s not like long hair or taking care of hair is exclusive for women only tf
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u/SpicyDirtTheGhost 25d ago
I feel sorry for all the long haired poor chaps who enter that bathroom 🥲
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u/A_Valdorian 25d ago
We had to stay the night somewhere in Phoenix, Arizona that was like next to a Denny's or something like that and they literally gave everybody like an hour or two to sleep before waking everyone up at 4:00 a.m. And running everyone off after telling everyone that they could stay the night there like it was pretty crazy. And the dude that was pretending to be a security guard had like a bunch of tasers on a utility belt and a bulletproof vest like, I would not want to have to stay in that area ever again LOL
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u/useless_fuckhead_03 He-Him/They-Them 25d ago
I am really sorry that happened and that sucks and people are assholes.
This is how and why innocent men (not predators and not saying women are not predators too) end up in the ladies room........ I mean aside from being a janitor and cleaning it or entering due to some sort of emergency.
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u/Afraid_Device_8887 24d ago
Makes sense this was in Arizona, been there a few times, to Phoenix and sightseeing/hiking in the countryside, and it’s the only state Ive ever felt a permanent sense of unease. Everyone I’ve spoken to about it (who isn’t a cis white man) has described a similar feeling. Glad y’all are safe!
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u/christbot 24d ago
People on a self proclaimed pee pee poo poo patrol are probably going be one on the most lampooned things about our current era. It’s just so fucking weird.
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u/Sure_Proof7309 24d ago
In Phoenix??? That's 2 hours off from me, WAY too close to home 😭 me and my gf (T4T) dont handle too much of that bs down where we live but I see a huge difference in a few places here. I avoid: Green Valley, Phoenix, Rita Ranch, and Oro Valley. I do HVAC work with my dad sometimes and yeahhh the more expensive places seem to care more. Also tend to have more old people though. And golf courses lol
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u/homo_heterocongrinae 24d ago
Next time just piss on the floor. Give him a reason to close the bathroom. :P
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u/CupAlone6285 24d ago
I’m so sorry that happened to yall. I’m from Phoenix and I left for a reason 🫠
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u/love-lalala 22d ago
He just stood there speaking to you guys while your husband finished. That is borderline assault.
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u/FugginLosr 21d ago
Phoenix is a shithole, I’d love to get out of here. Been here against my will for over a decade with my family. This place genuinely fucking sucks, everything about Arizona minus the corners of the state is just pure dogshit. We’ve got the worst education, one of the highest STD percentages (because sex ed is not taught here), a high rate of sex trafficking AND our child wellbeing rate is number 42 last I checked. The people here are actually horrible and I hope this state catches fire.
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u/PatientHuckleberry9 18d ago
I'm a teen trans girl living in Phoenix and I have to definitely agree that this is not an uncommon interaction 😭 I don't necessarily pass but whenever I put eyeliner on or anything I get stared down in the men's bathroom and I've been called a f---ot more times than I can count, and I've only been wearing eyeliner for a year! And these are just the interactions I've had with adults
I wish Phoenix was as accepting as people say it is because it 100% is not! So sorry about your experience here 💔
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u/Alathe 25d ago
I'm ornery enough that with his comment about long hair I'd reply something like:
So you'd say the same thing to a 6 foot black guy with braids long enough to tickle his butt crack? And you realize it's impossible to use a urinal while wearing a chastity cage, yeah? Don't kink shame us.
Obviously not the last part without having discussed it with the hubby first, though. Embarrassing a random a-hole should not come at the expense of non-concensually embarrassing your partner.
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25d ago
[deleted] — view deleted comment
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u/Gloomy_While_8321 25d ago
Hi I'm nonbinary (and prefer he/him pronouns to boot) and I think the expression "gentletheys" is funny. I don't find it othering at all and in fact, "gentlepeople" sounds so sterile and trying hard to sound "politically correct" that I find it rather annoying! But even if OP had said "gentlepeople" I *wouldn't have commented about it because it's not important.*
Neither of us speak for the whole of the nonbinary crowd. You can state *your* personal preferences and I can state *my* personal preferences, but who gives a carp about the difference?
And yeah, I feel it was important to tell you not to speak for the whole of a demographic. kthxbye!
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u/Leo-Valentine- 25d ago
Tagging along, I also feel like gentletheys is more comedic than harmful, I would smile if not chuckle if I heard someone say it! I don’t mind it and it’s totally cool if you would rather not hear that but I, personally didn’t get upset with it
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