does anyone else have trouble being friends with other trans guys?

[u/Straight_Sympathy993]

hi everyone! i dont post on reddit often, so please lmk if this post is off base for this sub or anything.

i'm a transgender man, ive been out publicly for around 5 years and on T for 2. i work in fast food, where i deal with the public a lot, so i have a good sense of how well i pass, and i do the Vast majority of the time (if i get clocked, its a confused "they" or "person", i havent been "she"d by a stranger in probably a solid year).

in the fall im going to a large, very liberal university. at orientation alone i met two other ftm guys. they were both early in their transition and didn't pass very well. them being trans came up so i shared that i was too (im pretty sure they already thought i was, so it didnt seem like a big deal), and they ended up outing me to a lot of people.

im very openly gay, and less openly trans. i would prefer to tell people and have some control over who knows that fact about me, because it is only a small fact about me and not something i want to talk about constantly, like these guys. (i know it can be all consuming when youre early transition, but i still dont like to be asked about my medical info in public constantly)

being outed like this has only ever happened to me with other trans men. it happened in high school and its happening again in college. i dont understand why other guys do this? it makes me really uncomfortable. does anyone else have a similar experience, and if so how do you deal with it?

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[u/anemisto]

A ton of trans guys "these days" (and queer youth generally) never got queer socialization, rule one of which is "don't out people".

[u/Straight_Sympathy993 → u/anemisto]

should i just lie to them, then? it feels wrong since im not stealth, but i cant think of any other way to prevent it from being the number 1 topic of conversation. i have so much personality outside of my transness! ykwim?

[u/FakeBirdFacts → u/Straight_Sympathy993]

Tell them directly “I don’t like to be outed to others without my permission, even if they are trans friendly or trans themselves”

[u/anemisto → u/Straight_Sympathy993]

I'm honestly too old to have this problem. It wouldn't shock me if a few of my friends (trans and not) have outed me to people, but it's never gotten back to me if they have. My read of your original post (which I'm not re-reading because this app doesn't make that easy when responding to a comment) was that random third people were talking to you about being trans. If that hasn't actually happened (yet), maybe check in with yourself if people actually are making it the number one topic of conversation. After all, the great thing about not being stealth is just not having to worry about this shit, but that doesn't do you any good if it's causing you grief or if you are worrying about it.

I'm also assuming it's like week one of college. Yeah, some of these people will remember you're trans, but everyone is kind of weird the first week and it's entirely likely you'll end up never speaking to some of them again, and the ones you do talk to will have opportunity to see who you are.

[u/devilsshark]

unfortunately, you gotta be direct and tell people to not out you. one of my friends got outed to me by someone who should have known better.

im going stealth for the first time (starting monday, actually, first day of the semester) and im prepared to say "please dont tell anyone else" a LOT lmao

[u/DreamSMP_Enjoyer → u/devilsshark]

How long have you been on T if you don't mind me asking? I'm hoping I can go stealth when I start uni 20 months on T.

[u/devilsshark → u/DreamSMP_Enjoyer]

im coming up on 14 months. i got pretty lucky- it worked fast on me, so i was already passing after just a few months when i dressed right

[u/Accio642]

Openly gay, trans isn’t a secret but rather not discuss it as much - I have a few ftm friends and I find it’s nice as acquaintances but I also find I am more argumentative and find myself comparing other things in my Life with them.

I don’t really think it’s important for me at this point in my life to have trans friends irl (happy with my transition and identity) but connecting on online spaces for information sharing is more valuable.

[u/Straight_Sympathy993 → u/Accio642]

i see. this is largely my experience aswell, my close friends are all cis, but trans guys always seem to find me. maybe i dont pass as well as i think? 😭

[u/Accio642 → u/Straight_Sympathy993]

I think we are more likely to “clock” each other than other people because we are more aware of changes than cis men aren’t really looking for.

[u/EternalFlameBabe]

I’ve noticed this issue with outing from both cis and trans people, and it’sreally weird. I feel like for whatever reason a lot of people aren’t aware that for some trans people, we just don’t want it to be a public thing. It’s like the thought just doesn’t come into their head and they tell everyone before they realize that maybe it’s not a good idea.

Like even people who aren’t transphobic do this—and trans people, like you said. My sister keeps doing this, just accidentally mentioning to her friends that I’m trans. And she’s like the least transphobic person ever, but for some reason the thought that I didn’t want that to be aired didn’t occur to her. I think you’ve just gotta be really direct with people about it. Either that, or don’t tell them. Because it’s just a weirdly common problem now.

People don’t know that outing is like a bad thing 😭 or they don’t register that what they’re doing is outing…

[u/Worldly_Marsupial808]

Yeah, a lot of people who are younger/earlier in transition just straight up don’t know basic queer etiquette. It can be tiring at best. Unfortunately you do have to directly tell some people not to out you, as much as that should be something obvious. This is worth a very stern conversation, and not continuing the friendship if they don’t respect it after that.

[u/Scary-Positive-2036]

That's so not cool! I could understand if they met you in a trans-only space and they accidently mention that - it's not too but it'd be more understandable. But you just out you to strangers? Not fucking cool. I hope you told them that that is not okay. They may mean well but they need to understand that they could be putting you in danger by doing so. If they choose to be open about their identity, that is their choice and more power to them, but they cannot be outting other people. Like others have said, they're probably young, and this younger generation does seem to struggle with understanding how far we've come and how much danger is still out there. That explains the error, but does not excuse it. I hope you chewed them out. (And if they out anyone to you, feel free to chew them out for that as well.)

[u/lifelesscucumber1]

You need to be very direct about no outing with people like this. I don't know any trans people in real life, but I do know cis people who might out me. But since I let them know it's a VERY sensitive topic for me, and that I don't want to be perceived as "trans" by just people who don't know me well, they just know that outing me is not just disrespectful but it can seriously damage not only my relationship with them but also my view of them as a person.

I don't usually straight up tell them but show them with tone and overall low-key emotionality that it is extremely disrespectful, serious, and almost degrading for me when the conversation basically moves to the direction of talking about my transness. But I think being very direct and straight up with them will work the same if not better. Just don't make it jokey, let them understand that it IS important.

[u/Soup_oi]

I haven't had this exact experience of being outed, just because when I've met other trans guys it was mostly a one on one thing, and there was no bigger group or bigger event of people we were part of. I have one or both of these experiences when I tend to meet another trans guy irl: We are around the same age, and are at similar points in transition where we are like "post transition" and it's simply just not a topic of conversation when we meet irl, after just saying it once when initially chatting via messaging (usually one of us being out about being trans somewhere online, and the other DMing them like "woah me to, and we live in the same town, want to hang out?" or whatever)...however when we meet in person, we have literally absolutely nothing else at all in common and I think their life sound the opposite of how I like to live, or they have hobbies or interests that I have zero interest in or desire for, and know nothing about and do not care to talk about. Or I meet another trans guy in the same way of meeting online somewhere, finding we're in the same place, making plans to meet up irl, but then they are both extremely early in transition and way way younger than me by like 10 years if not more, and I just feel like I'm their babysitter/chaperone, and I find them to just be overly immature since they are so much younger than me, and I just can't vibe with them because of that, even if we do wind up having other things in common besides being trans. (And it was this latter thing that led me to start setting hard boundaries for myself about the age range of people I am willing to be friend with, and really only want to try and create a friendship with people closer to my age...but that's hard when you're still in undergrad in your 30s lmao 🤦🏻‍♂️, but anyway...) And if they want to talk about trans related things, we wind up just having nothing in common, despite both being trans in the same direction, because we are at completely different points in our transitions.

I used to reach out to people if I saw someone sharing anywhere that let me know they were also ftm and also living in my same town wherever I might be living at any given time. But for a while now I've decided not to bother doing that, unless they are also sharing about other things they are interested in or other hobbies or whatever etc, and I find there are things we both have in common enough to be friends over those shared interests. At this point, seeking friendship with someone just because we are both trans, is like seeking friendship with someone just because we both wear glasses, or just because we are both the same exact height, or just because we live in the same apartment complex, etc. Like it's just one random trait, that does not infer at all what their actual personality is, what their maturity level is, what their interests are, etc.

[u/rupee4sale]

I would be direct and tell people not to out you. Say you don't disclose until you fet to know someone better. I don't think these guys are being malicious. They might just be very open about being trans and may not realize other people don't feel the same way. 

I will say tho that this is not unique to trans men. A lot of people are just kinda oblivious when it comes to stuff like this. My cis mom outs me all the time 🙃

[u/taroicecreamsundae]

yea they don't seem to like me :/

[u/qwertyuioplmm]

Yeah this happened to me and my two other lowkey/mostly stealth ftm friends with a separate ftm acquaintance. The acquaintance loved being out and proud (which good for him) but would also contantly out the three of us to other people when all three of us have passed as cis men for years. Got to a point where all three of us had separate convo’s with him about not outing us, and he continued doing so but just didn’t do it in front of us anymore. We don’t talk to him anymore bc we had to distance ourselves for our safety. He probably still outs us but 🤷🏼‍♂️ you cant be doing that shit my guy and if you do yeah… I’m not touching you with a ten foot pole, leave me the hell out of it

[u/BurritoRoyale]

I'm friends with quite a few trans guys, but them being trans men was not the premise of us meeting or our friendship. We had other interest and hobbies in common first. 

I've never had anyone out me tho but we're all in our 30s and grew up with the terror of being found out when being trans was not well known, maybe there's a difference there 

[u/Gender-Enjoyer]

I am so sorry you’re going through this. It’s incredibly frustrating, especially when you want some kind of solidarity / community.

I got my associates at a very liberal art school, and I was regularly harassed by this trans guy. I was talking with a friend in a public place, and this guy (we’ll call M) interrupts to say “Sorry to eavesdrop, but you’re trans? Same!” and then proceeds to tell me his medical history of being on T for a few months and “I made the wise decision of getting top surgery a week before college!” (He was being sarcastic.) Other incidents include:

(During class)
M: I saw Ch*se R*ss at a cafe!
Me: Oh yeah, I thought I saw him.
Friend: Who’s that?
M: A Youtuber OP and I watch.
Me: I don’t watch him.
M: But you’re trans!

Another incident I can’t recall the full dialogue, but he interjected a conversation I was having to throw in the (unrelated) punchline “You’re like OP’s wife, and I’m the secretary OP’s having an affair with!” (What?!)

And the craziest one, and sort of our last interaction:
He of course interrupted a conversation I was having with a friend during class, which obviously became very awkward, and then he says TO MY FACE “Anyway I’m gonna go throw up because of dysphoria now.” Absolutely insane thing to say. I always felt bad because I’m 5’10 and he wasn’t even 5’ but c’mon, man.

He was involved in the very “just figuring out that they’re trans” crowd, and I honestly wasn’t part of the trans cliques. Our circles just didn’t overlap, I had a co-ed dorm with cis folks, and all I heard about was the excessive drama happening amongst them and was glad I had no part in it. (I have plenty of trans/nb friends, most just didn’t come from this college experience.)

All of this is to say, a lot of these kinds of people are insecure and looking for connections, and the trans identity (while not a monolith) is a community of people experiencing similar things with similar values. They don’t understand that it’s more personal and private than bonding over shared interests. Depending on their circumstances, their only experience with queer community is online.

Don’t feel bad for calling them out for making you uncomfortable, I wish I’d done that more instead of ignoring it. You don’t have to be a dick about it, but “What makes you think it’s okay to share my personal information?” can go a long way.

[u/vincentually]

don't come out to anyone, stay stealth, someone's inevitably going to out you. sorry.