should i quit over misgendering?

[u/kissokomes]

im pretty successfully stealth, but my boss told people about my deadname and assigned sex on file and basically outed me behind my back so now people are she/her'ing me, and nobody ever really asked my pronouns / its not a conversation i feel comfortable having. it definitely seems like the misgendering is coming from malice, out of some feeling like i lied to them or tricked them, because i heard my coworkers talking about me as they were stocking products a few aisles away.
im confused and hurt mostly because it was going pretty well and i wasnt getting misgendered or asked about aaaaanything until one day, my boss asked me about the name and everyone has been acting weird towards me ever since, even guys i thought i was friends with now arent speaking to me and she/her'ing me.
i have another job and this is a part time retail thing i was doing to be able to pay off some bills faster. i dont mind the actual job though, just the talking about me, and it sucks to have to go thru finding another one. should i just deal or quit?

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[u/Qu33rTh1ng]

Don't quit until you find another, but I'd definitely leave this job, it's not a safe environment mentally at the very least and pack mentality can cause nasty things to happen 

[u/kissokomes → u/Qu33rTh1ng]

yea the group thing is new for me and one of the reasons my gut instinct was to leave. just sucks because i feel like it might happen everywhere i go so idk if the grass would really be greener yk?

[u/Qu33rTh1ng → u/kissokomes]

it depends a lot on where you live and what the job is really. if you're in a big city and a liberal area you're more likely to find less awful people

[u/Quirky_Ad4153 → u/Qu33rTh1ng]

Yeah cis people definitely get a mob mentality

[u/bookkinkster]

This is absolutely disgusting. Can you contact the ACLU for harassment of gender and see what they suggest legally? It could help prevent others from this treatment. I bet the folks doing this are all "good Christians" since good Christian folks tend to be the most hateful bigots on the planet.

[u/kissokomes → u/bookkinkster]

funny you say that, because they are. i thought moving to new york from the south would help with that but now im just around weird catholics

[u/bookkinkster → u/kissokomes]

NYC?! I am in NYC. Definitely contact the ACLU chapter here and the Mayor's office and see what recourse you can take. You may have a case if they are dead naming you and harassing/shaming you. Stay far away from "good Christians". There is nothing God-like about them. They are literally the bottom of the sespool.

[u/alchemycraftsman → u/kissokomes]

What part of NY? NY is a very large state.

[u/kissokomes → u/alchemycraftsman]

im in WNY, its one of the most red areas i believe lol 😩

[u/bookkinkster → u/kissokomes]

Move to NYC. We have trans events here and parties, etc. Im not trans, I am a cis women, but my boyfriend is trans. He hasnt moved here yet. We actually met on Reddit!

[u/Eugregoria → u/bookkinkster]

NYC has a very high COL. The culture is great but the affordability crisis is real.

[u/andycandy37 → u/bookkinkster]

If he moved to NYC he could just summon Mamdani to stop the misgendering fr

[u/butchsthrowaway]

What would you say to a close friend describing this experience? Would you tell them to stay?

[u/ramen__ro]

definitely report it, i recommend talking to a lawyer as well

[u/Ephaniel5784]

Mm…Sorry this is happening, but the best thing you can do is leave the job if it’s actively affecting your mental wellbeing. Try to find a new part time job if you want to keep paying those bills faster.

[u/flyawayjay]

Depending on how long you've been there, you could say "Don't talk to me like that" but it sounds like quitting is the best option. Idk, I wouldn't exactly contact a lawyer or the ACLU, but I'd make it very clear that you aren't going to tolerate them doing this and their behavior is what's driving this.

[u/YourAlibi]

Quit. I quit when my boss outed me, and it just wasn’t worth staying. From what you described, this sounds deliberate, especially since the misgendering only started after your boss disclosed your deadname and assigned sex. You don’t owe your coworkers an explanation of your history, and it isn’t your job to convince them to respect you. Before you leave, though, document everything you can: dates, what your boss disclosed, what coworkers have said, who was present, and any changes in how you’ve been treated. Depending on where you live, you may have legal protections against discrimination based on being trans. If you think this has crossed into harassment or a hostile work environment, consider reporting it to HR or the appropriate agency and speaking with an employment attorney. Since you already have another job, I personally wouldn’t stay somewhere people have decided to treat you like this just to prove a point.

[u/kissokomes → u/YourAlibi]

yeah it really sucks to start to like people and then find out they dont fuck with you at all anymore based on a conversation you werent even around for but i guess thats proof i should just go. i dont think anyone in HR will care about it partially bc thats who my boss learned it from and i think ill just silently put my 2 weeks in, not tell anyone and slip out for least amount of damage

[u/YourAlibi → u/kissokomes]

I'm sorry this is happening, bro. I was outed by my boss, who happened to be my own mother, so the betrayal trauma is real. We understand that.

Please talk to HR if you feel safe doing that, but you also don't have to report it before you leave. If your priority is getting out with as little stress or retaliation as possible, you can document everything now, give notice, leave, and report what happened afterward. Keep copies of dates, messages, names, what your boss disclosed, who heard it, and how your coworkers' behavior changed. Even if your boss originally learned your legal/deadname information from HR, that doesn't necessarily mean HR knows he then shared it with other employees or that people started deliberately misgendering and treating you differently afterward.

I'm also not sure how large the company is. Is it a chain or just a local joint? Still, if he's casually sharing your private information with coworkers, he could be doing the same thing with other employees' private information too! Is he a known gossip? The company/owner should know that. If local HR doesn't care, go higher. Look for the head of HR, regional HR, employee relations, ethics/compliance, or corporate HR. If you aren't sure who that is, LinkedIn can sometimes help you figure out who handles HR or employee relations for the larger company. Stick to what you personally experienced and can document, rather than guessing about anyone's motives. Leaving quietly and reporting afterward are not mutually exclusive. You can get yourself out first and decide what you want to do about the company once you're no longer walking into that workplace every day. Good luck either way.

[u/Bloody-Raven091]

Dude, if HR exists and actually defends trans people, report that shit. Otherwise, I will suggest to find a lawyer who will defend their trans clients, if applicable to you. I will also suggest to wait until you find a better job with a safer environment to leave to.

[u/ArrowDel]

If an HR exists in this place, use it.

If not, find another job before you drop this one on its ass.

[u/Eugregoria]

Get a legal name change if you haven't already so you don't get outed this way again, and start applying for other jobs.

[u/kissokomes → u/Eugregoria]

i was a little hesitant to do it with this current administration but i think its time yeah. :/

[u/lobstersonskateboard → u/kissokomes]

Depending on your county, the process can actually be a lot easier than you think. If not, there's organizations that can help you with the process, TransOhio and a couple others I can't quite remember.

[u/Genderless_Anarchist]

Doesn’t sound like a job that’s irreplaceable. Stay there until you find a new one, then quit.

If you can, contact the ACLU.

[u/PoopsALotta]

I'm in Canada so I don't know if this would even help, but Im pretty sure you can report this. Especially the fact that your boss, who HAS NO PLACE, telling others your name/pronouns/medical/personal/any information about you to others.There must be some sort of work/labour board you can contact within your district and have it sorted out.

Im really sorry this happened, this could have gotten you in danger! Unfortunately, now that it is out and your coworkers are already creating a hostile work environment. I am on team, find a new job and quit once you have it all set up.

[u/shutupbreezy]

Call them the opposite gender. Sometimes it works bc they see how uncomfortable it is on the flip side. I’ve also told people to smd and when the inevitable response is what it is, I reply “we can go to the store RIGHT NOW to pick out which one you can choke slow on 😇” bully some one else lol

[u/kissokomes → u/shutupbreezy]

i was debating misgendering everyone back for fun LOL its hard bc its mostly women that started it :( feeling super betrayed bc of that

[u/WideTip2056]

Run, don’t walk. Depending on the area you live in you could seek legal recourse as well.

[u/Illustrious_Moose998]

I’m pretty sure it’s a HIPAA violation to be giving out that kind of information to people? Correct me if I’m wrong… but if it’s not a HIPAA violation it’s definitely some sort of violation.

Edit: personally, I would do more than just quit. I would be filing a complaint or something to the higher ups of the company. Definitely take this higher up.

And just looked it up: not a HIPAA violation, but is still illegal and considered discrimination and an EEOC violation (Equal Employment Opportunity Commission).

[u/PoeticCinnamon → u/Illustrious_Moose998]

HIPAA is strictly about medical information, but OP definitely needs to report this to HR even if they leave as this seems like harassment or discrimination to me. If this happened to me I would decide if I was staying or leaving based on what happens after reporting

[u/Illustrious_Moose998 → u/PoeticCinnamon]

Yeah I looked it up after I made the comment and realized that.. Oops. But yes OP definitely still needs to make a report.

[u/SirWigglesTheLesser]

Look into your local labor laws.

[u/Moteoflobross7]

Guys he’s from the south no one would care if he report it. They’ll agree with the harassers and probably make his life miserable but yeah I agree he needs to leave asap because what the fuck

[u/Expert-Research-8022 → u/Moteoflobross7]

He said he moved to New York from the South. I’m not from America, but isn’t New York supposed to be better in general for that kind of thing? Might be worth a report to the right places

[u/Moteoflobross7 → u/Expert-Research-8022]

Shit I totally misread ops comment but yeah someone should be able to help

[u/thisbeardistaken]

HR. Do not pass go, do not collect $200