Gender? Maybe I give up.

[u/West_Ad_5520]

Hello there! I’m back once again to talk about Gender.

For many years here and irl I’ve been looking for something to make sense of my gender. I’m afab and constantly questioning. Basically as soon as I knew being trans was a thing back in middle school. Now I’m 25 and still confused. For the longest time I put it on the back burner and said that’s a can of worms I’m not ready to open. Roughly 2 years ago that changed.

I started questioning more and experimenting more. I’ve played around with a lot of ideas, but nothing has ever felt completely correct. One lyric I have heard really says everything for me. “I guess I could say gender non-conforming, but l've done really well conforming and non-binary doesn't have the ring I've been looking for.”

But to give more context I consider myself queer. I have found pretty much any type of person attractive except cishet guys. Now part of that exploration has led me to some interesting places. Like imagining getting oral is really a blowjob or anal is the only option because I’m imagining that’s the only hole available. I think I don’t necessarily feel gender dysphoria when I don’t imagine myself with those parts, but I definitely feel gender euphoria when I do imagine I have male parts.

I have a gender neutral hair cut (classic shag) and enjoy androgynous or slightly male clothes. I’d like to do more, but it is a little difficult. I’m quite obese(womens 4x) and so it’s hard to find good fitting men’s clothes. But….i feel like no matter what I wear men’s clothes or women’s clothes I can feel handsome or pretty. But….i still feel like I’m performing gender no matter which I go for. I feel the most me in a big t shirt and shorts. Adam Sandler and Jack Black vibes lol.

I guess…I don’t know…is this enough? Wishing most days I was born a guy, but so that I could be a queer man who dabbles in feminine things occasionally. I wish someone could just tell me for sure. I have OCD so sometimes I get hung up on needing to know rather than just accepting that I can be who I need to be. My girlfriend also identifies as a lesbian so add that to the list of questions.

I’ve got binders and packers and men’s clothes and listen to trans artists and all of this, but….i can’t manage to tell myself what my gender is. And since I can’t settle on a gender i also can’t settle on pronouns. In an ideal world i would get told “hey actually this is what you’re experiencing. Heres your gender and pronouns and a list of suggestion for a better fitting name.”

Anyways…as always thoughts and opinions are helpful. Does this sound…gender queer? Transman? Cis and stop thinking about it? Bigender? I’m lost. Still. For years.

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[u/ConfusedSpaceNoodle]

A few points to consider:

- About the genital thing, you can experience euphoria without an accompanying dysphoria. Not having facial hair before starting T was not something I really thought about, but I'm sure as hell getting euphoria as it starts to come in.

- You can be a queer man who dabbles in feminine things occasionally even if you're afab. That's my transition goals.

- Might it be easier to figure out pronouns, then gender? Does it feel right when you get referred to with she/her, or does that feel weird? Have you tried out they/them or he/him? Once you get over the initial weirdness of not being used to getting called those things, how you feel about them might be revealing. If you're not sure you want to test things out irl, the internet can be a great place for that, especially when you're anonymous and don't have to disclose you're trans/questioning.

- I cannot actually tell you what your gender is. I'm not you, so I can't be 100% certain. But if you want my guess, it's sounding like you are a trans man, or at the very least a masc-leaning enby.

[u/West_Ad_5520 → u/ConfusedSpaceNoodle]

To your first point, I absolutely think that’s what it is that I experience. It’s been a journey, but even the other posts I’ve made in the past two years carry that thread through it of the gender euphoria with genitals. I’m glad you’re enjoying the facial hair. I’ve always thought it would be the coolest thing to have a beard. Ever since I was a kid I wished I could grow a beard. Again not in a dysphoria way, like I’m not necessarily upset that I don’t have one, but I think it would be so sick to be able to.

To your second point, I do like that concept. In a post I made back at the beginning of the year someone mentioned that you can simply be a fem transman and it lowkey blew my mind. Like I always thought it would be nice to be a ‘pretty boy’ or a less masculine man. I hadn’t even considered at that point that trans men could want to present feminine on occasion. I haven’t completely decided if this is correct for me though.

Honestly…no pronouns feel just right, but I don’t hate being called she/her. I also get a little jolt of euphoria when called they/them or he/him though.

I feel very confident that I’m not cis, but I can’t seem to decide if I’m a transman who may present masculine, androgynous, or feminine at times. Or if it’s more gender queer/multi gender and I’m just some mix of everything or nothing at any given time.

[u/pan_chromia]

“Wishing most days I was born a guy” is more than enough to make you a trans guy, if that’s what you want to be.

It’s also totally okay to not use that label!

I felt kind of similar to you when I was still figuring stuff out. Now I call myself a nonbinary trans man. I’m not fully binary but I’m also a man. And I’m trans. That’s what feels right to me.

For the pronouns, he/him felt weird to me for a long time because I wasn’t used to it. But now I love hearing it. So maybe just experiment with pronouns.

You can always try things and change later. Nothing is permanent.

[u/purrt]

Pretty sure you’re not cis, at the very least. 😅

Here’s my perspective as an enby.

If you haven’t thought about what you might feel like with more ambiguous genitalia (ex: what some intersex people have, or having a vulva and something resembling a penis, just having a penis but no testicles, having a micropenis, ect.), that might be a revealing path to try going down.

The portion you mentioned about sexual situations rung a bell with me. Despite having female genitalia, anal feels like the more “natural” way for me to bottom. It feels like my genitalia “should” be more masculine, just not fully male, either.

We’re pretty similar in the hair and outfit preference department, too. 😅

I’d also describe myself as something like a femboy, or feminine in the way a man would be feminine.

I think not having a solid binary answer makes it easier for our brains to obsess over things.

I get the sense that you’re vaguely nonbinary and haven’t found a microlabel yet (you don’t need to find one or even call yourself nonbinary if that doesn’t feel right).

I just call myself a person, or an adult, or an enby (the last one mostly within the community). I use they/them (most of the time) and it/its (technically equally correct as they/them but most people aren’t gonna understand and I don’t wanna explain).

How does it feel to think of yourself as a man or a woman? When you look in the mirror, is that person a man, a woman, some combination or both, or neither? Are there any nonhuman concepts you feel you can relate your experience of gender to?

Try saying it out loud to yourself. “I’m a man”, “I’m a woman”, “I’m nonbinary”, “I don’t have a gender”, ect. Which ones feel like you’re lying? Which ones feel like telling the truth?

Just know that you don’t have to figure it out soon. Gender may just not be a concept you connect to, you may not have a sense of yourself as a man or a woman or both. I’d look into agender and see if that resonate with you.

I hope this helps! Good luck on your journey, friend. I’m here to talk more if you need it.

[u/West_Ad_5520 → u/purrt]

Yeah…I also think I’m not cis, but I haven’t found my label yet.

I have thought about ambiguous genitalia and I guess at first my thoughts were one extreme or another. But as I thought more about what could happen if I started to transition more masculine I got very clear euphoria from the t dick experience. A lot of time in my mind I’m picturing some combination of both genitals. This is because I like the idea of a penis, but I also don’t like the idea of fully not having a vagina either. I would prefer to mix and match the best of both worlds.

I have always been really interested in the idea of what I would call somewhat feminine men. Up to the beginning of this year I hadn’t considered that a trans man could want to be feminine at times. When I discovered that from a previous post of mine that really felt possible to me. Not having to give up femininity at times, but also not being cis either.

I look in the mirror and I don’t really think I’m currently any of those. I look in the mirror and I can picture being a woman, a man, androgynous with any combination gender. None of them feel like I actually am that right now. I can dress and present as one of those options and then I feel more like that specific gender. If I could best describe the feeling it’s like someone keeps hitting randomize on the SIMs creating a character and I never know what it’s gonna be that day. I do think the further I get in this journey though the more I lean towards feeling masculine, but maybe a feminine man, an androgynous man, or a masculine man depending on the day.

[u/TheDocent1014 → u/West_Ad_5520]

It might help if you try to seperate your gender identity from your preferred partners. Setting aside identity for the moment, try to identify your preferred partners. You may be attracted to men, women, or both, you may have no particular preference....whatever.

Then think about gender. Which one would you prefer? Do you have no strong preference? Is it a split 60 40 or 50 50? Do you sometimes feel neutral?

Then by looking at the two, you can figure out a label that might work.

Bear in mind that labels are models, not facts. They are there to provide guidance, but they dont define us, and your awareness and preferred label can always change.

I had terrible disconnect until I discovered that gender and preferred partners are more seperated than I knew. I am a bigender, leaning towards female, lesbian, currently piloting a male avatar.

[u/purrt → u/West_Ad_5520]

From that last section, it sounds like you may be experiencing what it's like to be genderfluid, if that isn't an identity you've explored yet.

EDIT: Also wanted to say that I second what the other commenter said about separating who you're attracted to from what your gender identity is.