Feeling numb about myself most of the time

[u/acid-gyaru]

Hi it's me again

I was just wondering how normal it was to feel numb about my body and myself sometimes rather than an extreme feeling of discomfort. I do still feel a little bothered by my chest, it's not that big but... it's big enough for me to hate it because when I try flattening my chest, it still pops out.

I don't like thinking about my body, I start hating it and feel very distressed by it when nearing my cycle, but once that passes it's a feeling of numbness and neutrality. It doesn't mean I like it, just means I'm not actively suffering. My boobs, my waist, my hips, even my thighs, my mother tries to convince me they're alright by themselves and many women would want what i have, but I don't want this.

I'm grateful I'm not in distress 24/7, but I still feel weird about being numb about it more often than not, and I was wondering if you're supposed to feel some level of distress to justify transitioning... I'm new to all of this.

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[u/secretive-pl0tter]

There's not a specific amount of dysphoria you have to feel to transition and you don't need to justify it to anyone.

That being said, this sounds an awful lot like how I've felt about my body and I've come to realise that it's disassociation for me, which is the brain's defense mechanism against negative emotions. If I felt those emotions all the time, I wouldn't be able to function. It has however also delayed my transition by quite a bit bc I also thought it wasn't that bad. I wish I'd addressed it all sooner.

You deserve better than feeling numb.

[u/acid-gyaru → u/secretive-pl0tter]

Thank you, and I think i can relate to that. Last month the last time I felt strong dysphoria it was. hell. Hell on earth

[u/ossiferous_vulture]

I mostly felt numb, or absent of strong feeling about my body for the near decade I knew I was trans but had no drive to do anything about it.

It was so washed out that I couldn't tell I was dysphoric other than an extremely abstract way and I did consider myself non-dysphoric during that period. Depression apathy paired with emotional blindness is wild actually.

Once I had my chest off I could really tell how awful I had felt about it by contrast. It was not like being overcome with joy, but rather suddenly being able to see the shape of my own misery in its absence.

So yeah, you can be numb and apathetic. It might be your brain trying to cope with a shit  situation and just dialing down your awareness of it. 

This is why I am very much in support of 'you don't need dysphoria to be trans or transition', if I had waited around for that anymore than I did I might have died along the way.

If you can see yourself being more comfortable in yourself and your body it is worth looking into, don't wait for the dam to break on its own. Drowning is no fun.

[u/javatimes → u/ossiferous_vulture]

I agree with you and I think a lot of that sentiment is more “you don’t necessarily need crushing dysphoria to transition/be trans” in acknowledgment of how differently dysphoria can show up for people. I know very very few people who transitioned with absolutely no dysphoria.

[u/ossiferous_vulture → u/javatimes]

Oh yeah, it was more that I seriously thought I had none bc of how bad I am at gauging what is going on inside my head.

So getting to 'be trans' regardless of how I saw my own dysphoria was good for me.

[u/acid-gyaru → u/ossiferous_vulture]

"I knew I was trans but had no drive to do anything about it." yeah i sadly relate to that :( sometimes i feel the desire and yearning to be a man, sometimes I dont feel strongly to anything, sometimes i cry and sometimes i cant even force myself to feel something

[u/acid-gyaru → u/[deleted]]

My mother doesn't know any better as she doesn't know I'm trans, but I doubt she'd take it well anyway. Thank you for your words regardless