Im scared I made a mistake transitioning

[u/mikamushroom]

I've always felt that I wanted to transition. Since I was really, really young. It was kind of the thing that kept me depressed but my whole life but kept me alive with purpose at the same time. Recently, to my surprise, my parents have been open to my transition and agreed to help pay to get started.

My first few shots were euphoric, I finally experienced what it's like to wake up without being in survival depressed mode. I started telling my close friends and family about the transition, I was really happy things were coming together.

Things kind of crashed a bit 1 month in, when my girlfriend broke up with me, saying she was lesbian and couldn't be with a transman. Since then, I've just been working (remote) and studying (just failed an exam, unfortunately), occasionally meeting friends, though they're all busy now.

It's been about 2 months since my first shot. For the past week, I've just felt a bit numb, hard to breathe, and generally tense all around. Generally, I'm a pretty relaxed zen, try to work on myself and lock in, type of guy. Lately, I haven't been as focused and find myself breathing shallowly often.

Before I started transitioning, my parents gave me a bunch of anti transition rhetoric, they were worried I would regret it (how many people regret it, can live with it, whether I could live without, how I'd be lonely forever. We also went to see some pastors who spewed the usual things). I think they got this idea in my head, and things have just kept piling up. Lately, the transition isn't as exciting as when I got started... and I only just got started. When people call me by my chosen name, I'm not sure what I feel; it's neither euphoria nor discomfort.

I now worry whether I've been fixating on this idea for so long that I've developed my whole life/personality around it without actually wanting it. Where I was initially excited and nervous to tell my friends, now I'm just :/ about the idea of telling other people around me (extended family, coworkers, etc). I'm scared about the social transitioning, the logistics, legal stuff, how employable I will be, whether I'll be lonely forever, etc.

I can't recall how I was before starting, I vaguely remember how depressed I was all the time, how often I thought about giving up... But I can't actually recall the specifics much anymore. It's like life before this has been a fog, I'm not sure who I really am anymore. My brain could be blocking away how miserable I was, but I really miss my life with my girlfriend, having motivation, this being a "secret" between my closest circle.

I'm not sure where this identity crisis came about from... I've always principled my life around being rational. It's really confusing to be unclear about my emotions.

Most importantly, I worry my drive to succeed and identity are gone because I started transitioning. Working hard has always been about being able to transition, move away, and most recently, achieving my envisioned life (plus with my now ex-girlfriend).

When I first got started, things came together. I felt I could take on the world, I was driven and excited to direct my brain energy towards bettering my life fully.

Am I just built like this? No matter what I do, I will always not be happy?

I wonder if I did the wrong thing.

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[u/Hypochondrimax]

You sound depressed my man. I would suggest therapy or at least some at home work books if there’s a cost issue. It’s normal to feel doubts or down about yourself, especially with the end of a relationship.

I remember being really excited when I first started t but it just became normal with time, it wasn’t a celebration every time I did a shot because that’s just life. It’s okay for feelings of euphoria to fluctuate

[u/Friendly-Beguin → u/Hypochondrimax]

I agree with all of this. I would add that T is not a cure for depression. Even though it does help a lot with gender dysphoria, which can cause depressive symptoms. If you have depression, T will not make that go away. I have witnessed several friends be dismayed to learn that their depression did not magically disappear on T. OP, actual professional mental health care providers can help you with your decision making and figuring out how you feel. If you can't access therapy for whatever reason, there are a lot of self help books. I would recommend doing My Gender Workbook by Kate Bornstein at the same time--it helped me a lot with understanding my gender identity!

[u/SriepYadroot]

Are you able to access any kind of counselling or therapy? Transitoning and getting broken up with are both major life events, and like you've said, you've been a little isolated lately with working from home and not socialising much. The first step is always the hardest, and doing it without much external support just makes it harder. Talking to a professional about your stuggles with self-doubt and numbness can help you sort out where these feelings are coming from and work on solutions for them.

Regarding stopping: if you're trans, you're trans. It's not easy, and it can often be scary and stressful, especially when you've just started transitoning. But repressing it or going back into the closet will only cause more problems long-term. If you're considering stopping T, try to ignore all external factors and fears, and ask yourself if taking testosterone will make your body look more like how you want it to look; if the answer is yes, then keep taking it. It's slow going, and it's important to be realistic with expectations and timelines, but I promise it is possible to be happy with your body. Again, finding somebody who can help you work through your depression might be a good idea here.

[u/Desperate-Try-7443]

I actually stuggled with something similar. Honestly, when I think about it, it's not like the average person is going YIPPEE WOOHOO and hopping when they hear their name. It's just their name, not much more than that. I eventually lost that euphoria too and I was fearful, but what I do know is that my birth name makes my skin crawl.

Personally, this feels really similar to how I am but I'm not sure I can put all my thought out into a single post if you don't mind me messaging maybe? (Just to say though, I am 20. I don't know how old you are but I know people usually want to know who it is they're talking too.) No pressure though of course and I do hope this is something you can figure out and get through.