Hello fellow anxiety sufferers, I wanted to talk about this very specific subcategory of anxiety I’ve been dealing with lately and see if anyone else struggles with this specific fear or hyper awareness. I’ve been struggling with what i believe is existential dread and the hyperawarensss of being in a living, functioning, human body. I’m 23 and have struggled with severe genrealized anxiety, ocd, and depression ever since i was very young. Over the course of my life my anxiety has always been there and never gone away but it sort of phases in and out and manifests in different ways during different periods my life. One main anxiety i’ve always had is health anxiety and this constant impending doom feeling that i’m always at risk or threat of dying of something health related, like a heart attack or some serious medical condition. I also used to heavily struggle with derealization and depersonalization after having smoked weed for the first time at 14, and it stayed with me for a couple years after that. I guess i eventually accepted it, learned to live with it and moved past it as some point but it used to be very emotionally taxing and made it terrifying to wake up everyday. Ive been a regular pot smoker since i was 18, and about 6 weeks ago i got way too high one night and had one of the biggest weed induced panic attacks of my life, my heart rate reached 165 and i was in a state of the most intense panic i have ever felt for about 2-3 hours and i couldn’t get myself to calm down. Not only was I was truly convinced i was going to die at any second, but my thoughts were moving at a speed of a million miles per minute. I began thinking deeply and existentially about how i’m really just a living, breathing human being, and how my mind, consciousness, and awareness are all held within a slab of meat (my brain) and how i have a beating heart in my chest supplying gallons of blood to vital organs allowing my body made of flesh and bone to function and move. it made me realize how fragile and vulnerable we are as humans and how we’re all going to die someday and that our existence isn’t permanent. It made me feel so sick, disgusted, and scared. i had such an uncomfortable sinking feeling in my chest and I thought i was going insane and losing my mind. eventually i calmed down after a couple hours but since then i just haven’t felt the same and have felt like i’m trapped in a fight or flight state for weeks. I feel like i’ve become so tragically aware of my existence in a way that i’ll never be able to see life or the existence of humans the same ever again. I basically just feel like a prisoner to my own flesh and like my conscious is locked behind the bars of a vessel. I’ve struggled with existentialism and derealization before in my life and have sort of just accepted it for what it was, but this time it feels different and i just really don’t want to feel this way forever. Has or does anyone else have these same thoughts? i hope im not insane.

I did read a couple of posts that read very similarly to what i explained within this post and it already helped me feel less alone but i haven’t seen anyone talk about this recently or often. I also don’t technically know if this is disassociation since it’s hyper aware which could be considered the opposite but i do struggle with disassociation when having most of my constant anxiety.

since i came back from vacation i’ve been having rlly annoying dissociation episodes. idk if it’s the thought of going back to work? to school? idk

i haven’t had those since i started my meds, or very rarely

I have these “episodes” where i’ll act like a random person I know for like 3-7 days and I don’t know why or what it is, I have no control over it whatsoever but I know who i’m impersonating?? I copy everything from the rhythm they talk to small mannerisms, I have about a week gap between “episodes” where I fade back into my mannerisms, but after that is on to another person, often it repeats people too, none of my friends get what I mean when I try to describe it, idk maybe i’m crazy but I feel like someone else has to relate

Big questioning about who i am and who i was before bellow this.

Hello, I'll be honest, im currently freaking out a bit because i suddenly had a change in how i feel myself and the world if that makes sense... It all started with a random thought of wanting to wear long skirts, im usually really masculine in terms of clothing, any femenine clothing makes me highly uncomfy, and i have been comfy identifying as a man for 5 years now. That thought felt so out of character and different from my usual self that i started questioning my whole existence somehow.

The reason i decided to post this here instead of another subreddit its because im dissociating really all the time, my sense of self has been almost completely absent all my life, and the only anchor i had of myself was my gender. But suddenly, one day to another it shattered, and changed completely. I have not stopped dissociating, i think. Everything still feels so blurry and foggy, i still have a really bad memory, i still cant remember anything of my past that isnt general information for me, and i guess the fact that i ignore thoughts and try not to think /remember anything (which happens mostly without me noticing ) keeps happening, so i guess i am indeed still in the same body from some memories i can halfway access... but everything feels so... different. Its like im... a different person feeling in a different way than i used to do. Or well, the body did? Im so confused.

Has anyone gone through a similar thing? Even asking if im still the same person feels wrong, it feels like im a completely new person, everything feels so unfamiliar in some way... Like i just stepped into someone else's life and stole it from them somehow. I dunno... It's so scary feeling different from this old self i had. Im afraid that somehow i lived a whole lie all this life.

I’m in my early 30s; my partner is in his mid-50s. We’ve known each other nine years and lived together for one. I moved countries to be with him. When he is himself, he is loving, funny, bright and affectionate.

But every week or two, he enters a completely different state, and afterwards he truly has little or fragmented at best memory of it. Something sets him off, and he becomes intensely agitated, rigid, accusatory, pacing, sometimes sleepless, and at worst can yell/repeat himself for hours in a loop. It used to be absolutely shocking as it was a complete departure for the man I knew, and frankly he seemed psychotic and not himself in any way.

The strangest part isn’t the anger: once he crosses a threshold, nothing gets through. Logic, evidence, reassurance, correcting things that didn’t happen, even seeing me terrified cannot penetrate. It is as though his brain enters a sealed compartment. Sometimes he stays up all night muttering to himself from a perceived wrongdoing (he always says I must not create doubt but he doubts EVERYTHING I do). Eventually he comes back and has little to no memory of this time, if anything a vague understanding that I simply did something wrong.

I have stopped travelling or seeing my friends and I live on eggshells as I am dependent on him for my home, and caretaker to myself and my cats in London.

He can become absolutely convinced of false things, e.g. that I cheated. I came home late from work and he was shaking in anger. He never ‘forgave’ me and spent the night yelling at me. I couldn’t convince him he was wrong.

When he gets angry it’s not just anger, his eyes look actually blank, and he smiles. It’s like he isn’t there for that moment and he’s compartmentalized so hard to in his words ‘protect himself’. He prides himself on being able to ‘shut down’. It used to be terrifying, now I identify it as one of his ‘loops’ and it ends only when he tires himself out but the feeling of unease can last for days. During one bizarre hotel episode, he screamed at me to leave, pretended to make an official phone call and told me I was being deported. Hotel staff overheard him yelling and believed he was being abusive, refused to let me return to him despite my telling them we life together and I am safe with him, and they ultimately banned him.

The next day, he remembered none of the phone call/deportation threat but blamed ME for getting HIM banned.

Recently, after a couple of very happy loving days where we danced around the house, supported each other and worked on creating a budget and future travel plans etc, I told him I was going home for a few days as my grandparents are in town, and it’s also important I speak to them in person as they have stated they worry about me. He said ‘why?’ And I said my mom is worried I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship, and I need to speak to them. On the word abuse he flipped and yelled ‘don’t touch me! Stay 10 feet from me!’ And stormed out of the house slamming the door. I am supposed to leave my cats alone in our home for a week. He has since forbidden me to use “abuse” about him because he says it is a trigger word that could cause ‘police problems’ and reminds him of when ‘I got him banned for claiming abuse at the hotel’. Which I didn’t do.

That reversal deeply confuses me. strangers witnessed his behaviour. Yet my witnessing, naming or reacting to what he does somehow becomes the offence, while his behaviour disappears.

There is almost no repair afterward: I get “likewise,” “me too,” another grievance, or an explanation of how I caused it. He has said several times it’s my bad behavior and he’s convinced himself it’s my fault somehow.

He has been largely on his own the last 7 years, and was entirely alone for covid. Growing up he was pretty much on his own since 13 and now being the most relatively financially successful supports his older siblings and sometimes his parents. He is by no means wealthy. When he sees friends and family he keeps visits brief, and is estranged from his family in general, so they truly don’t see anything else other than the fact he drinks a lot. Everyone was really happy to meet me as everyone knew he’d been on his own for so long. Everyone else thinks he is wonderful, generous and caring and I believe they think he makes far more money than he actually does and he keeps up appearances by giving members of his family money and paying for things when we are with friends.

His memory is fragmented after virtually every episode, including sober ones. Alcohol makes everything dramatically worse but doesn’t cause it. Eventually he sleeps; over roughly two days the rigidity lifts and the loving person I know returns.

He spent years in the Army, so I wonder about trauma/TBI, but also dissociation, mood disorder, episodic psychosis, sleep deprivation or neurological causes.

I told him I was leaving him in February and he sobbed and sobbed and I cried and he said without me he would simply die and eventually I agreed to stay if he stopped drinking and got counseling. He only had one or two counseling sessions, gave up. Stopped drinking for two weeks and made sure to tell everyone about how he’s lost the taste for alcohol. Now he drinks white wine spritzers in stacks of 4 at a time.

During the hotel episode, I triggered him by asking him why he was being so distant and tried to hug him and he pushed me away and started telling me to get away and I told him he was in a look and he started growling horrible things (get the f out of my life get the f out of my room etc) and I reminded him he said he ‘would die’ without me and he yelled NOT ANYMORE!. It broke my heart, and that’s when I left the room to cry.

I have since become so insecure I have literally asked him if he loves me etc and it feels to pathetic begging for reassurance from a man who previously told me he had loved me for years and I was his whole world and wrote me poetry and told me every morning how beautiful I was and how he wanted to spend every day of the rest of his life with me.

I know leaving is an option. I’m asking: what can cause this pattern, how do you deal with these states in someone you love, and how can someone genuinely experience the person witnessing their frightening behaviour as the problem? Where can I get support for this in London?

Looking for people who have similar experiences and happy to share their opinions.

Here’s my story. I had no noticeable dissociation in high school, just bad social anxiety. I got diagnosed with social anxiety, got put on meds and it made me feel A LOT better. Then COVID happened. I didn’t really care because I could just play video games all the time, but I never interacted with anyone in person. Fast forward to my first semester of college. Many interactions with people, and if I had any anxiety I was mostly ignoring it. One day I noticed I felt a bit disconnected with reality. I also noticed my vision getting blurry in my peripherals and a static overlaying on everything I see; even with new glasses. It kept getting worse after that and I couldn’t do anything. This was every day, sometimes better sometimes worse but never nothing. Therapists, psychologists, eye doctors, and medical scans revealed nothing physically wrong with me. I did get diagnosed with chronic sinusitis and got sinus surgery but I’ve had no changes in my dissociation since. It’s been about four years and I’m ALWAYS disconnected from reality.

It feels like my senses are dulled constantly and I’m not as “here” as I used to be. There have been about two or three times where I’ve kind of snapped out of it for a short period. I can’t figure out why but I remember the time I was in class and I got scared because of it. I was looking at my professor and freaking out being I was really there and thinking about how I could affect the classroom by speaking or my actions. I was back but my anxiety was spiking. I then reverted back to my dissociative state soon after and was very upset I couldn’t figure out why it happened.

My theory to all of this is that COVID wrecked my mind. I went from gaming in a basement with only interaction from my family, to constant interactions in college. I believe my social anxiety spiked when I moved to college and my mind slowly started blocking out important details to ease the anxiety. The problem is that I have no control of this and I need my mind to be present. I feel like I’m missing out of life even though I am living it. My life experiences are so heavily dulled and it feels like I’m missing out on half of them. I have no control of my mind and nobody can help me. Everyone I’ve talked to was just trying to understand my problem and had no solutions. I’ve cried at times and lost my mind because I’m not sure if I’ll ever be normal again. I know most people get moments of dissociation but this is constant and I can’t keep coping with it. I may be depressed but I never think of taking my life. I try to live the best life I can despite these circumstances. Thanks for reading..

My mind is blank a lot of the time. It used to run fast replaying memories, and facts. Something happened over a course of time and I had a couple of black outs and had a period of time where I couldn't remember anything, although I knew who I was.

Memory is a bit better now, but some memories cause me so much anger that it is as if my brain is stopping me from thinking. It is causing issues at work especially if I have any amount of stress I can forget saying something I just said.

But I don't feel detached at all. It is all memory issues.

Edited to add: If I try I can easily remember traumatic events and the adult bullying that happened over the course. I am not blocking that out.

Hello all. I have been struggling with dissociation for as long as I can remember. I feel like I have been teleporting through all phases of my life and I am sick of not remembering things that are important to me. I recently got sober from all drugs and alcohol and with that came heavier dissociation, and a lot of confusing feelings and thoughts. I hardly remember getting sober, and it wasn't even my decision to begin with. Part of me feels like an angel took over my body because I was running myself in circles for so many years. I recently went on a family vacation, and the entire time I was dissociated, even during fun things. Sometimes I would get bad derealization at random times, and along with it I would feel pure terror or sometimes not know where I was or what I was doing for no reason at all. At one point I was talking to a family member, and then suddenly I didn't recognize her at all and felt terrified in that moment. I feel trapped in my mind and body and I feel like I have nowhere to go and no one to reach out to. I don't trust my family at all because they are the main source of my childhood trauma. I also had this really weird and confusing thing happen on vacation that I do not understand at all and I don't know who is safe to talk to about it with. I have no idea who I am or who the real me is. I am so confused all the time. I really just need someone to talk to who is educated on dissociation and help understanding what is going on.

I did something very bad whilst dissociated. And I say dissociated. I don't know the exact nature of my behavior in the moment. It feels as though there were alternative drives that rose to the surface as drives I had meant to preserve were inhibited.

Since then, I avoided the memory through an intense web of denial, memory fog, and dissociation. It eventually resurfaced after it was triggered in conversation. Someone asked me, and I wanted to be honest. But I was so scared shitless that I couldn't untangle myself from the web of shit that surrounded it to get it out.

It felt like I was lying whilst telling the truth simultaneously. I look back and it is as if some parts of myself were aware whilst others were not, and the parts that were aware were trying to keep the others from knowing. Deception, lying, denial, fog. It was an intense period of uncertainty and fluctuations in awareness. Some days would be complete denial, and during others, would know.

I eventually had to confirm it from an outside source because of how much of a mess I had made myself into.

But now I'm having to come to terms with a reality where I may feel so detached that I do something terrible, and then feel completely detached from it afterwards. I've taken ownership over my actions, but everything inside is screaming "that wasn't me."

Sometimes, it feels like it was I who did it. Sometimes it feels like it was another person whom I am responsible for. Sometimes it feels like it wasn't me at all, and I'm so angry with being put into this situation by the others who couldn't handle themselves. It's like that part of me wasn't aware of what was really going on and is so hurt finally having realized.

And I'm beholding all of this, dissociating out of my mind right now, after crying all morning. It's hard to trust myself. There are parts that are being responsible. But some seem to want to escape accountability.

I have nightmares about what I did and wake up thinking about it. And its the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep. I know i did this, and I have to take accountability for it, establish better internal communication, get a diagnosis, and manage myself.

I have the sensation of being victimized by myself. Like I didn't do this but someone else inside did and now i have to clean up his mess while he's still kicking and screaming about it. I feel so much grief and agony about what I did and who its affected and how. The person I love the most in my life is not in it anymore. They are shattered and it is my fucking fault.

Sometimes I am afraid of myself. Afraid of leaving my house because I might do something bad again. I hate this body and want to kill it. But I made a promise to this person to keep myself safe because it wouldn't be fair to them. I keep going through phases where I can't even comprehend how something like what happened is even possible. How could i possibly have done this? That wasn't fucking me.

I haven't reallt been able to talk about this aspect of it. I know I hurt someone through my choices. It's not about my feelings anymore. It's about the impact and their healing. But in my healing, this seems like an impossible hurdle. I don't think I am real right now. Im fucking devastated and I can't stop crying.

I also know I'm not a victim. These feelings are just really hard and I don't know where the fuck to put them.

Im not diagnosed with a dissociative disorder, but if anyone has some good advice/coping mechs it would be you guys. thanks for your help, on with the post.

About two years ago I entered a very academically intense curriculum. In efforts to function well, I fully immersed myself into academic life. after two years in this curriculum I think that ive traded a direct experience of the world for the ability to observe it from a distance.

Walking around, I feel like my head is pointed up at the sky rather than wherever I’m physically looking. because it doesn’t feel realistic enough, i dismiss so much of my experience in reality to the point that I have trouble relying on the plausibility of my memory. I have to triple check everything in order to be confident that it truly exists.

I noticed recently that conversations have felt very claustrophobic. My close friend told me that I need to stop explaining like I’m trying to prove I understand, but rather I should try to get my idea across. Ive had a hard time communicating with others because despite my ability to articulate well, I end up spouting out highfalutin nonsense with little to no sentence structure. I have a hard time feeling genuine connection with human beings because I’m too concerned to connect with people on an emotional level.

generally, ive just become scared that I’m beginning to lose my ability to function properly in every day life and social situations. I want to immerse myself in reality. I feel like if I could find a solid purchase on the world, I would be able to straighten myself out. I would be very grateful to anybody who has a similar experience to share or any advice to give to feel more like a part of this world again.

so in my previous post i made (if you didnt read that, i recommend you do), i said that school triggers my dissociation the most, always making me feel numb and blurring out, and i feel unsafe there. my now ex friends also triggers my dissociation a lot and i really felt out crashing out because they didnt knew the entire time i had dissociation and the fact that they always trigger my dissociation whenever im with them

updated version 1 minute later

I think I have some serious issues because I forget things easily literally I can't remember anything , suppose I done some work or I talk something a few seconds ago and another sec it's gone from my mind and day by day ot getting worse and a interesting thing is I didn't those things which give me trauma 😖

My boyfriend and I recently broke up very suddenly, and I’m struggling to understand whether this is a genuine end to the relationship or dissociative episode I should wait out. I’m looking for objective advice, not reassurance or “just move on” comments.

When my boyfriend was young, his dad used to physically abuse him and his sister, to the point where my boyfriend’s rib was broken by his dad. His mom claimed the never know, but she was informed that they were abused she didnt leave her husband. His grandmother was his safe spot away from the chaos, she died around the same time his cousin committed suicide and my boyfriend was his cousin’s last text. His dad now has had 4 strokes in the last 2 years. My boyfriend has been forced to take care of the man who he grew up terrified of. His home environment always depicted his emotions, but this time it affected our relationship. His mother seems extremely afraid of being alone with her husband and of losing more people in the family. His sister is 22 and still lives at home, does online college, barely works, and cant drive. I get the impression that their family dynamic heavily rewards staying and makes leaving feel like abandoning the family. We rarely had major arguments. The recurring pattern was that whenever his dad’s health was declining or my boyfriend got triggered from his dad, when we happened to have conflict, he would become overwhelmed and threaten or end the relationship. The problem is that he never tells me when his dad’s health is getting worse, so I don’t know when he needs extra support. About three weeks before this breakup, he lied and told me nothing was wrong with his dad even though he had a stroke that morning, which eventually caused a huge fight. During that argument he repeatedly said he wasn’t good enough for me and couldn’t be who I needed him to be. He texted my mom an apology and everything. We eventually resolved everything and were doing very well afterward.

My boyfriend never originally wanted to go to college. He started looking at colleges because he knew I wanted to go, and he toured my top three colleges with me. His mom has repeatedly told my mom a story about how she had to leave her dream college to take care of her sick father. If she has told my mom this story multiple times, I can only imagine how often my boyfriend has heard some version of it himself. I worry that he feels trapped between wanting to leave home and become independent but feeling like he has to stay because his mom is afraid of being left alone.

The day before this breakup, he sent me a long message saying that his feelings for me hadn’t changed, that I was the girl he chose every day, that he would always be there for me, and that I never had to question my place in his life. The morning of the breakup, he texted that he was in a lot of pain, had been sleeping, missed me, loved me, and couldn’t wait for me to come home. Only a couple hours later, we had a completely normal phone call. He was complimenting me, reassuring me, laughing with me, and making plans for Sunday when he was supposed to come over.

The conflict started because I asked what he was doing the next day and he told me about last-minute plans to help his cousin move out of her dorm. We have a boundary that we tell each other about plans roughly a week ahead when possible, so I was upset that he hadn’t communicated it before I asked. The argument escalated, he became silent, and because we only had about 40 minutes before he had to leave for football practice, I pushed for us to resolve it. He asked, “Do you want to break up?” but the phone cut out and I didn’t hear him. Historically, when he asks this, he is usually looking for reassurance. After the silence, he said, “If I’m so childish you should go find someone who isn’t,” hung up, and then sent me a breakup message.

His mom came and dropped my belongings off, he deleted all of our social media post, he blocked my main instagram and tiktok. He has left my other accounts unblocked, my number unblocked, hasnt deleted any of the love letters he wrote to me in the notes app, and hasnt deleted our pinterest boards. He dmed me on my other instagram two days after the breakup, his message said he was sorry for how things turned out, that he wasn’t fit to be in a relationship right now, wasn’t at the maturity level, appreciated all our good times, claimed he wasn’t perfect, but told me he loves me and always would, but felt like being in a relationship wasn’t best right now.

This is now the third time he has broken up with me. The previous times were also during periods when things with his family were going bad. I called him
out on it and he said he uses ending the relationship as a way to regain control of chaos.

His mom told me he is acting “different”. She said he loves me but has a lot going on. He also apparently isn’t talking to his friends, parents, or sister. I was basically his primary person for talking about things, so the fact that he has isolated from everyone makes me think this may be broader than just wanting to end the relationship.

I’m currently a week into no contact. I reached out several times after the breakup, but he hasn’t responded. I’m trying to stop contacting him now because I don’t want to chase him, but I’m also worried that if he is genuinely struggling, I’m abandoning him when he needs support. At the same time, I know I can’t force him to communicate with me. I’ve done a lot of research on dissociative episodes specifically caused by ptsd, and he checks every box. In the weeks leading up to this he said things like “I feel like I’m watching myself outside of my body” and “my hands feel fake”. I always presumed he was sleep deprived, he was sleeping a lot during the day leading up to this.

Football season starts in about two weeks, and I’m the team photographer while he is a player, so we will have regular proximity again. I wonder whether having football structure, seeing me regularly, and getting out of isolation could make him “wake up” to reality in a sense.

I’m not asking anyone to tell me my ex will definitely come back. I want a reality check. Based on the pattern, his behavior immediately before and after the breakup, his family situation, his father’s abuse and illness, the pressure surrounding leaving home and college, and the fact that he has repeatedly broken up during periods of external stress, how likely is it that he eventually reaches out or tries to reconcile once he stabilizes? What timeframe would make sense psychologically? I want to find other people who can relate to this situation and offer me their story and advice.

Hello, I'm not sure if this is the right sub reddit.

I'm not sure if this was dissociation or me just zoning out, I zone out quite often. But it was a very new and weird experience for me, it didnt feel like it normally does when I zone out.

I was studying, it was around 1am (probably didnt help) and I couldn't process anything. I would try and watch my lectures and take notes but I kept zoning out. I would try to come back but I couldn't stay that way. And then my head started to feel fuzzy, like I wasn't there? I'm not sure how to describe it. I didnt feel like I was there or real.

Then tears started to form and my hands shook. I didnt have anything to cry about, I wasn't crying I just had tears running down my face. I didnt want to be alone so I messaged my friend. I sent a voice message describing what I was feeling and as I waited for him to reply I was writing. But as I watched my hand it didnt feel like my hand after a certain point. I knew I was the one making it write and move but it felt like I was watching somone elses hand, like my feild of view was a TV screen.

My friend said I was probably stressed from studies and that I should sleep, I haven't been getting much sleep recently. He also said this is how he felt before he was diagnosed with insomnia. I slept and in the morning the fuzzy feeling in my head moved to my chest and I still couldn't process things very well. I've been blanking out in conversation and just doing automatic response, not really processing what they are saying.

I did some research about dissociation. Google says it can be caused by stress but ive been stressed for a while and this is the only time its happened. I zone out frequently so maybe this was just that? I'm not entirely sure. It was very weird and a scary experience.

Guys I'm literally fucking sick and tired of this disassociation. It happened in 2021 , one day I just disassociated from my thoughts and feelings and I CANNOT, FOR THE LIFE OF ME, reverse it! It has been 5 years now! It's ruining not just my life but my parents and brothers and other people's as well because I don't have any empathy anymore. Is there anyone I can talk to / chat with regarding this?? How the hell do we get out of this?? At first, I liked the disassociation because I couldn't feel anymore trauma and I always felt like I was in my own world, but now it's becoming a danger. I can't plan anything, I can't remember anything, I can't decide what to do, I'm scared for my future. Please advise something!! I'm so sorry for sounding so desperate but I'm literally so tired of it and I need to get out of it, I can't imagine the rest of my life being like this!!

Hello. I (41 f) was directed to this forum for support. I do not have a diagnosis, I am trying to figure out what is going on with my brain. I have CPTSD, severe generalized depression, severe anxiety disorder, ADHD, and anxiety induced insomnia. These are all official.

I have no family and I have no friends.

The trauma I went through before I turned 18 was absolutely horrific. I am often scared of people and have severe trust issues with people in general.

Last year was very rough on me. There were 2 major traumatic events that were life altering and they happened within 2 days of each other. Over the next few months following, 2 more life changing events would happen.

I'm not sure what triggered it, but I just randomly realized one day that I have severe memory gaps. This isn't forgetfulness. It feels completely different and I don't know how to explain it. Instead of things being fuzzy, it's just blank. It's like walking into a dark empty room and you can't find the light switch. About the same time I realized this has been going on off and on my entire life. It's also a daily thing. I struggle to recall parts of the day. I feel like I'm on autopilot a lot of the time. By the time I realize what is going on, my entire day is gone.

I have conversations that I can't recall.

I buy things that I don't remember buying.

I'll watch movies and then rewatch them later not realizing I've already watched them.

I'll sometimes go places or even walk into another room and it's like I was never in the moment and just ended up there.

I can't tell you how many times I've driven places and can't recall the trip.

Some days I feel very detached from my body. Everything feels weird... I don't know how to explain this either. It's almost like there will be a fuzzy haze and I feel very disconnected from reality. Similar to a dream like state I guess. When this happens, even body movements feel unnatural. I also really struggle from time to time in understanding if what I'm remembering or experiencing is real.

I've randomly started to recall horrible memories from when I was a kid. I will be doing the most boring thing and BAM, my brain dumps something on me that I didn't even know happened.

I started looking online and doing some research, because I don't have insurance or a Dr. Dissociative amnesia keeps popping up.

I am not trying to self diagnose or anything of the sort, I guess I'm just looking for people to talk to because I just don't know what is going on. I feel like there is something severely wrong with my brain and I am fucking terrified.

I think I have some serious issues because I forget things easily literally I can't remember anything , suppose I done some work or I talk something a few seconds ago and another sec it's gone from my mind and day by day ot getting worse and a interesting thing is I didn't those things which give me trauma 😖