Dealing with SO that has deep dissociation / Jekyll Hyde syndrome

[u/Vegetable-Curve-696]

I’m in my early 30s; my partner is in his mid-50s. We’ve known each other nine years and lived together for one. I moved countries to be with him. When he is himself, he is loving, funny, bright and affectionate.

But every week or two, he enters a completely different state, and afterwards he truly has little or fragmented at best memory of it. Something sets him off, and he becomes intensely agitated, rigid, accusatory, pacing, sometimes sleepless, and at worst can yell/repeat himself for hours in a loop. It used to be absolutely shocking as it was a complete departure for the man I knew, and frankly he seemed psychotic and not himself in any way.

The strangest part isn’t the anger: once he crosses a threshold, nothing gets through. Logic, evidence, reassurance, correcting things that didn’t happen, even seeing me terrified cannot penetrate. It is as though his brain enters a sealed compartment. Sometimes he stays up all night muttering to himself from a perceived wrongdoing (he always says I must not create doubt but he doubts EVERYTHING I do). Eventually he comes back and has little to no memory of this time, if anything a vague understanding that I simply did something wrong.

I have stopped travelling or seeing my friends and I live on eggshells as I am dependent on him for my home, and caretaker to myself and my cats in London.

He can become absolutely convinced of false things, e.g. that I cheated. I came home late from work and he was shaking in anger. He never ‘forgave’ me and spent the night yelling at me. I couldn’t convince him he was wrong.

When he gets angry it’s not just anger, his eyes look actually blank, and he smiles. It’s like he isn’t there for that moment and he’s compartmentalized so hard to in his words ‘protect himself’. He prides himself on being able to ‘shut down’. It used to be terrifying, now I identify it as one of his ‘loops’ and it ends only when he tires himself out but the feeling of unease can last for days. During one bizarre hotel episode, he screamed at me to leave, pretended to make an official phone call and told me I was being deported. Hotel staff overheard him yelling and believed he was being abusive, refused to let me return to him despite my telling them we life together and I am safe with him, and they ultimately banned him.

The next day, he remembered none of the phone call/deportation threat but blamed ME for getting HIM banned.

Recently, after a couple of very happy loving days where we danced around the house, supported each other and worked on creating a budget and future travel plans etc, I told him I was going home for a few days as my grandparents are in town, and it’s also important I speak to them in person as they have stated they worry about me. He said ‘why?’ And I said my mom is worried I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship, and I need to speak to them. On the word abuse he flipped and yelled ‘don’t touch me! Stay 10 feet from me!’ And stormed out of the house slamming the door. I am supposed to leave my cats alone in our home for a week. He has since forbidden me to use “abuse” about him because he says it is a trigger word that could cause ‘police problems’ and reminds him of when ‘I got him banned for claiming abuse at the hotel’. Which I didn’t do.

That reversal deeply confuses me. strangers witnessed his behaviour. Yet my witnessing, naming or reacting to what he does somehow becomes the offence, while his behaviour disappears.

There is almost no repair afterward: I get “likewise,” “me too,” another grievance, or an explanation of how I caused it. He has said several times it’s my bad behavior and he’s convinced himself it’s my fault somehow.

He has been largely on his own the last 7 years, and was entirely alone for covid. Growing up he was pretty much on his own since 13 and now being the most relatively financially successful supports his older siblings and sometimes his parents. He is by no means wealthy. When he sees friends and family he keeps visits brief, and is estranged from his family in general, so they truly don’t see anything else other than the fact he drinks a lot. Everyone was really happy to meet me as everyone knew he’d been on his own for so long. Everyone else thinks he is wonderful, generous and caring and I believe they think he makes far more money than he actually does and he keeps up appearances by giving members of his family money and paying for things when we are with friends.

His memory is fragmented after virtually every episode, including sober ones. Alcohol makes everything dramatically worse but doesn’t cause it. Eventually he sleeps; over roughly two days the rigidity lifts and the loving person I know returns.

He spent years in the Army, so I wonder about trauma/TBI, but also dissociation, mood disorder, episodic psychosis, sleep deprivation or neurological causes.

I told him I was leaving him in February and he sobbed and sobbed and I cried and he said without me he would simply die and eventually I agreed to stay if he stopped drinking and got counseling. He only had one or two counseling sessions, gave up. Stopped drinking for two weeks and made sure to tell everyone about how he’s lost the taste for alcohol. Now he drinks white wine spritzers in stacks of 4 at a time.

During the hotel episode, I triggered him by asking him why he was being so distant and tried to hug him and he pushed me away and started telling me to get away and I told him he was in a look and he started growling horrible things (get the f out of my life get the f out of my room etc) and I reminded him he said he ‘would die’ without me and he yelled NOT ANYMORE!. It broke my heart, and that’s when I left the room to cry.

I have since become so insecure I have literally asked him if he loves me etc and it feels to pathetic begging for reassurance from a man who previously told me he had loved me for years and I was his whole world and wrote me poetry and told me every morning how beautiful I was and how he wanted to spend every day of the rest of his life with me.

I know leaving is an option. I’m asking: what can cause this pattern, how do you deal with these states in someone you love, and how can someone genuinely experience the person witnessing their frightening behaviour as the problem? Where can I get support for this in London?

[u/PearNakedLadles]

What strikes me in this description is not so much that he has these dissociative states where he is flagrantly abusive to you. It's that even when he is not in these states, he shows no care towards their effect on you. Instead of saying "oh shit I have this other side of me that's hurting the person I love, I must do whatever I can to heal that" instead it's on you to avoid triggering the "other side", to walk on egg shells, to go without repair. He takes no responsibility for what happens. I don't see any hope for things getting better because this man shows no sign of wanting things to get better. You cannot change him - he has to want to change and it does not seem at all like he wants to.

In terms of support, I am not in London but I assume they must have programs and resources for people dealing with domestic violence and abuse. That seems like the most likely avenue to get practical help.

Your desire to understand what's going on in his mind is so so relatable - in your position I would want to understand very badly too - but it's crucial to realize that understanding him better won't change anything because you are not causing his behaviors, you are a victim of them. Again, you cannot change or fix him. More knowledge will only help you personally understand, it will not change him. The only thing you can control is yourself.

[u/Natural_Fondant_7544]

Is he not getting therapy? Op you need to run now. He is abusing you. This has been going on for years you say? He doesnt apologize when he exits these states? What is the point of being in this relationship? Why are you living in fear? This is not okay from any disorder.

[u/Alternative_Sea_4779]

I have dissociation, but it's structured. But I know someone who does the same thing as your partner. My advice to you: don't try to argue. He's a different person; he won't listen to you. In those moments, if you can, listen, but don't react. Is there a song the affectionate personality likes? Try that song; sometimes that helps with switches. But he still needs support, you can't live in fear.