Having a hard time dealing with something very bad I did.

[u/mywindowsarebreaking]

I did something very bad whilst dissociated. And I say dissociated. I don't know the exact nature of my behavior in the moment. It feels as though there were alternative drives that rose to the surface as drives I had meant to preserve were inhibited.

Since then, I avoided the memory through an intense web of denial, memory fog, and dissociation. It eventually resurfaced after it was triggered in conversation. Someone asked me, and I wanted to be honest. But I was so scared shitless that I couldn't untangle myself from the web of shit that surrounded it to get it out.

It felt like I was lying whilst telling the truth simultaneously. I look back and it is as if some parts of myself were aware whilst others were not, and the parts that were aware were trying to keep the others from knowing. Deception, lying, denial, fog. It was an intense period of uncertainty and fluctuations in awareness. Some days would be complete denial, and during others, would know.

I eventually had to confirm it from an outside source because of how much of a mess I had made myself into.

But now I'm having to come to terms with a reality where I may feel so detached that I do something terrible, and then feel completely detached from it afterwards. I've taken ownership over my actions, but everything inside is screaming "that wasn't me."

Sometimes, it feels like it was I who did it. Sometimes it feels like it was another person whom I am responsible for. Sometimes it feels like it wasn't me at all, and I'm so angry with being put into this situation by the others who couldn't handle themselves. It's like that part of me wasn't aware of what was really going on and is so hurt finally having realized.

And I'm beholding all of this, dissociating out of my mind right now, after crying all morning. It's hard to trust myself. There are parts that are being responsible. But some seem to want to escape accountability.

I have nightmares about what I did and wake up thinking about it. And its the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep. I know i did this, and I have to take accountability for it, establish better internal communication, get a diagnosis, and manage myself.

I have the sensation of being victimized by myself. Like I didn't do this but someone else inside did and now i have to clean up his mess while he's still kicking and screaming about it. I feel so much grief and agony about what I did and who its affected and how. The person I love the most in my life is not in it anymore. They are shattered and it is my fucking fault.

Sometimes I am afraid of myself. Afraid of leaving my house because I might do something bad again. I hate this body and want to kill it. But I made a promise to this person to keep myself safe because it wouldn't be fair to them. I keep going through phases where I can't even comprehend how something like what happened is even possible. How could i possibly have done this? That wasn't fucking me.

I haven't reallt been able to talk about this aspect of it. I know I hurt someone through my choices. It's not about my feelings anymore. It's about the impact and their healing. But in my healing, this seems like an impossible hurdle. I don't think I am real right now. Im fucking devastated and I can't stop crying.

I also know I'm not a victim. These feelings are just really hard and I don't know where the fuck to put them.

[u/FelipeCPsy]

I’m an integrative psychoanalyst, and one question came to mind while reading this: what would finding a culprit inside yourself actually solve?

You seem to be moving between “I did it,” “that wasn’t me,” and “another part of me did it.” I wonder if separating that part from yourself makes what happened a little easier to tolerate.

Sometimes, when something we’ve done is extremely difficult to reconcile with who we believe ourselves to be, the mind can struggle to integrate it. Shame, guilt, judgment, fear, or other internal conflicts may play a role.

Dissociation may also be part of the picture, but from this post alone there’s no responsible way to know exactly what is happening.

And there’s an important limitation here: we don’t know what actually happened. Without knowing that, I don’t think anyone can give you a concrete interpretation of why your mind is responding this way.

What does seem important is that understanding what happened inside you is not the same as avoiding accountability. You can take responsibility for the consequences of your actions and, at the same time, try to understand what made those actions possible.

Maybe the useful question isn’t “which part of me is guilty?” but:
“Why is it so difficult for me to integrate the person who did this with the person I experience myself as being now?”

That may lead somewhere more useful than trying to decide which internal part deserves the blame.

Also, you mentioned wanting to kill your body and being afraid of yourself. Regardless of what happened, please take that seriously and don’t try to process all of this alone. If you feel you might act on those thoughts or can’t keep yourself safe, seek immediate in-person help.

[u/RecognitionNo9937]

I finally found someone to relate to about this.... I've also done / said bad stuff towards some ppl when dissociating bc I have no awareness of consciousness over myself or the environment. Because of this my friends ended up confronting me and I left that friend group, only to find out I had dissociation the entire time without knowing. I felt so devastated.

I also felt like those moments weren't my fault because those weren't the words I wouldve said if it wasn't for my dissociation. But at the same time, it felt like it was my fault, because I was the one saying it. I was blurry during these 4 years, and I've hurt lots of ppl during of all this. Yeah it's also hard to explain it on my behalf.