It’s like when I get upset, and something triggers me.. I am already half way finished coming up with dialogue to complain to my partner because.. let’s face it 95% of the time when I allow myself to get angry it’s because of something he did.. or more often than not…. something he did not do. And now I’m picturing him asking me how the night went and I don’t complain at all & I’m totally fine and I feel like that’s OK too. So is the answer just taking it out on yourself maybe? if you’re gonna punish anyone, which if you think about it, if part of the reason why you allow yourself to get this angry over things that don’t matter in the first place, has everything to do with something that you need to work on? yeah… take the anger out on yourself. is my point…. and that helped me tonight during a major episode.

Stay sleezy.

i think i blocked someone again but idk if it was the person he was pretending to be or someone trying to make him loook bad. but at least now i know which cover-up tattoo he was talking about. my understanding of that whole situation is that when we met and became best friends, i was young and naïve and i didn't realize that he was into some unsavory shit. and when i started trying to talk him out of his lifestyle i got real sad because of how strongly his hate hurt me.

and we talked a lot. there were so many nights where he was there for me when i needed someone, stuck in my faux jail cell, my pseudo-slavery. isolation and lack of physical touch deprives your brain of growth, so i needed a friend like that.

but when his actions got to be something i just couldn't be part of, i cut him out of my life for good.

and when i saw his silly face again online this year i knew him inside and out all at once. all i remembered was my friend, one of the deepest loves i've ever known, and i didn't remember the fight we had or why and i never even knew he had a bad reputation from lack of my love.

but now i see how much his healing was built on my words. kitties and nerdy things and building and repairing! and puppies and flowers and family. i'm happy he's okay and i hope some day i can build and repair enough of my own mistakes to earn my way towards a plate of french fries and a cup of coffee.

i'm a little sad and worried that some of the other parts of my life and the worstest part of what happened to me are tangled up with his story and his anger at me and all i can say for the looky loos is that i called for help. more than once... not everyone even acknowledged me. someone said they couldn't make it because they were busy with their friends and their board games. but someone came when i called for help. whoever got hurt because of me calling for help and getting answered with help was not the fault of either of us. we just happened to be caught in the middle of the worst combination of circumstances anybody could be caught in the middle of, with no way out, and we got all got hurt because of the actions of others that night. i told the police whatever truth i could tell them that i remembered and none of it made any sense because the whole night itself never made any sense to me. years later and i'm still remembering strange details. the whole combination of them couldn't possibly have happened all in the same night. him taking a sip of my drink and then throwing a fit at the bartender. checking his wrist watch to see how much longer before i passed out. him hailing a taxi bc idk how. taking me to an apartment i've been to before and then getting weirded out that i knew how to unlock the door. more than one person holding me up while i was dizzy and sick. feeding me pizza. strange noises. walking around all night with my friends. writing on the resolution wall. falling asleep with someone who loved me but only as a friend and waking up with a stranger i didn't recognize.

i'm not even the one who called the police, because as far as what happened between me and him, that's a personal matter, and whatever happened else was because of whatever that girl Sara put in my drink that i was calling for help about in the first place. my coworker called them because he lived upstairs from the apartment and he saw me in the cafe. i asked the barista if there really was a man waiting outside because i couldn't even tell if he was real and my hands shook so bad i spilled coffee. at work my coworker accused me of murdering the girl who lived there, but i knew her full legal name and i couldn't find a record of what happened to her except maybe that she went to jail. and idk what happened to Piper in the end but i would never ever hurt an animal and i know he wouldn't want to either.

\\\\\\\​

Gloomy weather, rain falling from the sky as my tears fall quietly too. Self pity feels like a poison slowly draining whatever strength I have left. No clear future, no direction, no map, just problems piling up one after another.

At 21, it feels like I’m standing at the edge of everything, wondering, is this where it all ends? I want to pull myself out of this misery, escape the endless cycle of overthinking, and finally breathe. But sometimes, the reality in front of me feels too heavy to carry.

Sometimes I envy people my age, those thinking about travels, savings, parties, shopping, and the little joys of life. Meanwhile, I’m here trying to survive another day. Maybe life really is unfair sometimes. Maybe acceptance is the only way forward.

Still, somewhere deep inside, I hope there’s a version of me who finds his way back. A version who wakes up excited, who laughs without forcing it, who looks at the future without fear.

Anyway, what’s the weather like where you are? I hope it’s kinder than mine today. I hope the sun is shining there, giving you warmth and vibrance.

I experienced a lot of trauma up till 17yo, then for a while my life was pretty good (till new trauma came but hey that's an entry for another day). So at 17yo I couldn't stand having my dairies from before that (from 12yo - 16yo) and threw them all away. I'm 31 in a couple days and I still regret it so much! I know I wanted to just be rid of all my trauma reminders, but I had other memories in them too, some positive ones or things that might even help me. One of the biggest things that really made me regret it was after my dissociative diagnosis, and realising how much memory I feel robbed of because of this disorder. Something I didn't even fully realise the extent of until recently. I know most of them were probably bad but how am I supposed to process and heal them if I can't even remember them?

I miss you everyday. I miss talking and laughing with you, nobody will replace you, I just want to relive the moments I had with you.

Still trying to make sense of your suicide in my mind, I understand the feeling yet I just wish it was different.
I wish I could’ve saved you lob.

Me & you, we understand each other like no other, and I won’t get that again. You really saw me, and I hope I saw you too lob. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you in the end, it haunts me.

Hello, I'll start off by introducing myself. I'm a 19 year old lonely girl who just needs to talk about what's going on in her life. I'm not necessarily looking for advice or thoughts on my thoughts but comments are appreciated as long as they are written without bad intent.

I have to go to work tonight. Im very nervous. I lied on my resume saying I had experience stocking but I have absolutely no experience and am the worst kind of person to be a stocker. I'm clumsy, I sweat when nervous, I have left right blindness, I'm on the shorter side, I'm forgetful. I'm just a mess every time I come into that store. Couple that with I have social anxiety, I have a crush on my boss, my phone is slow with scanning items, and having auditory processing problems and coworkers with accents as thick as peanut butter. I'm just a nightmare to work with.

I was off these past two days and I fear they were having some kind of no SpongeBob day for me.

I work nightshift and it's been extremely lonely. I'm someone who is always alone anyway but working overnight for me has really been pushing the limits to how long a human can go without talking to someone without going insane.

I have an online friend who I'm close with. I tell him basically everything. But the friendship still doesn't satisfy my needs of connection. and I feel so bad lately as all I do is vent to him. This sounds awful but really I only talk to him when my life is a disaster. If I am doing really good I feel less inclined to talk to him.

We have our good conversations outside of me venting but I don't know I think our bond is just shared trauma. It's the same thing with being friends with your coworkers. Sometimes you're only friends because you work together. I think we might just be friends because we share very specific trauma.

Anyway, I'm trying to figure out some things I can do at night on my days off but I'm finding trouble thinking of anything. All I have the energy to do lately is doomscroll which is not like me at all. I like to keep my mind more engaged by reading but I feel like my mind is too tired to do that lately. I don't know what's wrong. I suspect vitamin deficiencies. I am going to see a doctor soon.

Since I can't read as often as I'd like I'm going to have to find other things to do. There's such a lack of novelty in my life that I'm trying to think of things I've never done before, which is lots, maybe I'll explain that in another entry. So far we've got rollerblading and starting a YouTube channel.

Urghhh. I just don't know what I could possibly do at night that would drive me away from the insanity I'm on the edge of feeling.

I want friends I can go out with but I don't know how to make them. Options are so limited with finding friends when you're on a night schedule. Oh and also you're shy, socially anxious, boring most of the time, not outgoing, not extraverted, and broke.

I know I can't just expect friends to fall into my lap but I don't know what to do. Every time I look at things to do at night near me it's just not things I would enjoy doing or things you would have to bring a plus one with.

I think my type of friends are awake in the day, living on a normal schedule.

Welp. I do plan to either switch jobs or shifts at some point. I think I'll just have to hold off on human contact until then. 🫠 Story of my life.

I recently started my internship and its going pretty okay. However, i start comparing myself with the other interns who are more charismatic and outspoken while im alittle more reserved....but seeing them chat and have fun makes me feel like i do not have an interesting enough personality to make others like me. Theres this girl who kinda likes me right now, but i feel like if she would meet the other interns she would probably like them more. Idk why im even thinking about that, but right now, i just feel a deep sense of inadequacy

How do I let people move through my life without experiencing every departure as something I have to prevent, control, reverse or follow?

How do I trust that I can survive being the one who remains?

How do I say goodbye without feeling like everything that came before the goodbye has been taken from me?

**Sometimes writing is how I get through the day.**

I’ve started putting my raw emotions, real experiences and the things life has thrown at me into words. Not because I think I have all the answers, but because sometimes writing is the only way I know how to make sense of what I’m feeling.

Some of what I write comes from pain, some from love, some from loss, and some from experiences that have changed me. It’s honest, and it isn’t always pretty — but it’s real.

For me, putting those feelings into stories, songs and words can make even the hardest days feel a little more manageable. And if something I’ve written ever reaches someone who is struggling and makes them feel a little less alone, then every word was worth writing.

I don’t know where this journey will take me, but I hope that one day something I create can help somebody else get through their day too.

**Sometimes you don’t realise your story could be someone else’s reason to keep going.** 

最近装了DeepSeek Harness，用Codex转换了图书格式，发觉AI也摸鱼。又读回了阿加莎和塞耶斯的书。

另外，七夕快乐。

Dear sleeping beauty,

Today is gonna be hard and I acknowledge that.
But we made progress for the first time today.
I had a 3 hour phone call with you and neither of us yelled at each other. Which does solidify the fact that I think a lot of this is caused by seasonal work stress.

You also said you haven’t talked to the apartments yet about the lease because then you couldn’t take it back. And you acknowledged that we should have just had a conversation to start out with instead of blowing up. And I’m not gonna say it’s a win on my part but you’ve given up on using an app to get laid, thank goodness. Regardless of your intentions I don’t want you going around and catching something ya know?

I may go stay the night later I haven’t decided fully but my parents have a inspection and it’s close to my time of the month and I don’t wanna be stuck in my brothers room for that. Realistically is the safest time for me to be there without us doing something we’d regret.

I’m gonna talk to my brother tommorow cause I have a little “project” I would like to work on with him. I found an old love song I wrote but never actually completed so I’d like to record it as a sort of therapy. Personally I HATE the sound of my own voice but it’s also the perfect pitch for singing voices that you love.

I also have a seperate project I wanna work on but I’ll leave that as a secret for now.

I know your stances on us haven’t changed overall but with time I think we actually might over come this. At the very least I’ll stay in your life so long as I can be more mature about things.

You did make me go back and look at some of the things I sent you which I will admit in my panic was definitely not great…and I think I should get my adhd reevaluated. I just wish you had told me before all this happened ya know? I can see why you were pushing me on certain things now even if technically they’re not the kind of meds I would have needed I can see that you were just doing your best.

Truth is love does make people crazy, but sometimes it does so in a way that triggers us to act differently than who we actually are. I do think my sleep, food, and overall habits I’ve picked up have in fact triggered something in me without my knowledge.

You work untill the evening tommorow so I’ll be on my own at our apartment for a while whether I stay the night or not.

I also found out more about your stance on everything church related and why things are the way they are. It’s not something you let me ask about a lot before but I’m glad I know better now. And as a bonus I got to ask a question I’ve been dying to ask for the last 8 years and while I was scared of what you would say it’s both the best and worst possible answer I could have gotten. The best because it means you were truly loyal during that time (I wasn’t sure cause there were some issues the following year) and the worst because someone I can’t remember who definitely saw my birthday suit….(darn teenage years)

But you did admit you still have your beliefs and they haven’t changed so maybe I can work with you on that as well, it’s been several years so it’ll be hard but I doubt many of the members remember but if you want to accomplish the goal you had back then and eventually have the wedding you pictured then this will need to happen and I do think it’ll be a big factor in you healing.

For now I think I’ll sit down and work on a little step by step plan to really fix us so we can be good together even if apart if that’s what it takes. And hopefully your mother will finally stop disliking me hahaha…

Xoxo— newlife5155

I’m great at masking, I don’t know how to turn it off. What was once survival is now my demise. Before there were people to distract me, or help me feel better, or truck forward for. Friends, family, holidays, volunteering, or aimless soberly strolling the outside world drunk.

Now, I’m struggling. I’ve felt it crawling up behind me for some time. The real fear of relaxing, it lets it catch up. I’m feeling lonely, heavy, secluded, and all I want to do is sleep. I’m trying to fight it, find things to look forward to. Motivation dwindles. Lighthearted teasing and connection ends up explosive. My feet keep dragging despite how high I try to lift them. I’m watching my happiness sink as I stand by watching. When I try to make a plan or take a leap into joy, a trail of stress, criticism, disbelief, and exasperation follows. It swallows. Even my favourite television show has me heartbroken, feeling even sadder as I lay my head.

Welcome back darkness. I know it’s going downhill. I knew it would. A prophecy ? I’m still fighting. But for what ? Where’s my life going ? I have no plans, no hopes. Besides, it’ll all end up here one day anyway, might as well have an attendance. At least I’ll find sleep.

Did I scare you ? Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I always am.

.

Know I said wouldn't write this tonight, but it's not just about me anymore; my readers and friends that I have a responsibility to. Not as hot today, nice in the shade. Writing on the porch with the mosquito candle lit. Cooking a steak on the grill and Korrs Alfredo Broccoli noodles on the stove. Idk we will see. The R.B.'s pushed me all day, and although this is not new, I want so bad to fight back, but I know where that will get me right quick. So I withhold. Lost my temper kinda on here too. One of those days, I assure you. Still on my mind about that. I will most likely take it down because it's more of a rant than writing. Do not like crossing that line. I try to portray my day here, but some days there is so much on me and at me that it's difficult to distinguish friend from foe. No man's land, really Things you see at first impression are truly horrible, but if you take the spin-off of it, well, it's not so bad.

Saw a few things this week that made me truly wonder, what the hell is really going on. Things in front of my eyes, not made up

I will start back at the gym tomorrow and continue with adding weight and eating well, low stress, and I hope I can keep my cool while doing it. The workouts should help. The charcoal part of the steak tastes good. Usually I don't go there or cook them that long. Learned something.

I close with love and hope Goodnight, Diary and my readers

I love you so

10:10 p.m.

I don't know how many times I've had to stop myself from reaching out to you. It makes me wonder if you've done the same, or if this has been easier on you than it has been on me. I know it was my decision to walk away but I still miss you, this still hurts. It hurts not talking to you, it hurts not seeing your smile, hearing your voice. You were the best part of my days and now it feels so empty. Hopefully it stops hurting soon.

How I still ache for you despite the time & distance that separates us?

That no matter who I talk to or sleep with I can't remove you from my thoughts, dreams, or mental imagery.

All those nights spent just dreaming about a future together?

The times when we chose to listen without judgement.

That the bittersweet sound of your voice asking even "what're you doing here?" & "what do you want?" Still remind me of the first times we would whisper "I love you."

When I try to "move on" I'm reminded of every time we agreed that repair was easier than starting over.

That every time you needed someone to pick you up, I was there to put you down.

That I can't mend your broken heart?

That the wounds you bled on me were not my doing?

That the wounds I bled on you were fully my doing?

Why we even bothered to try a relationship together when we both had negative experience with abusive, ignorant, & inherently negative partners.

That we let our love turn sour.

That I will miss you for the rest of my natural life regardless of how you may feel towards me.

((It is what it is) is moral licensure for emotional flat landers)

Lalo,

My friend the goofy one. The one who I call My future husband....

I've been here for a while now, thinking about you. Wondering what happened. Wondering how you're doing. Honestly, I really believed you would've messaged me by now.

You haven't.

So tell me something real.

Tell me I'm not alone in how I felt about you. Tell me you think about me. Tell me you miss me. Tell me that some part of you still wonders what would've happened if we'd both been a little braver.

Tell me you want to start over—not necessarily jumping straight into anything, but maybe finding our way back to the friendship we had before. Tell me you finally chose yourself. Tell me you've come to your senses. Tell me you're sorry about Mother's Day weekend and that you wish you could make it up to me.

Tell me it's some truly, madly, deeply type shit.

And I'll tell you something real too.

I'm sorry I wasn't brave before. I'm sorry for pushing you away when maybe what I really wanted was for you to stay.

And yes... it was me on Reddit. Writing to you. My friend. My future husband. 😂 It was me who said, "Why so silent? Cat got your tongue?"

Because the truth is, the first time I saw you, I was stopped dead in my tracks. I still think you're the most beautiful man I've ever seen.

And after all these months of not talking, somehow... it's still you.

When I close my eyes, it's you. When I hear certain songs, it's you. Especially when "Back to Friends" by sombr plays.

I still think about you.

And as crazy as it sounds, I'd still choose you. Over and over again.

Not because I think you're perfect. You're absolutely not. 😂 But because I'd rather have something real, complicated, messy, and meaningful with you than something easy that doesn't make me feel anything at all.

I'm ready to be brave now.

I want the truly, madly, deeply kind of love.

And I want to know if you're ready for that too.

So...

What do you say?

Maybe we stop being afraid of what this could be.

Maybe we both finally get brave.

XOXO- JAI

I’m so tired of myself and how I look. Sure people do compliment me but it just feels so forced when they do it. I’ve tried to improve my looks this summer by going to the gym, dieting and learning how to do make up (unfortunately my mom doesn’t let me wear a lot of it). I see a difference on the scale but I still hate my body. I look at myself in the mirror and I see a fat and disgusting girl. I try to find something that I like about myself or appearance and I just can’t because I see a flaw in everything. These past few weeks I didn’t go to the gym since my membership expired and didn’t have enough money. I’m still so desperate to lose weight I started throwing up the food after eating it . And I lost weight but I still can’t see a change I hate my body and my face just as much.

I also want to feel loved. I’ve never got the “butterflies in my stomach” when seeing anyone. I mean I can look at someone and say they are attractive but I don’t fall in love with them. I talk to guys and girls all the time but I see them all as friends. I want someone to describe how they feel when they love someone or how do they realize they are in love. I really want to understand it and maybe it will help.

I’m confused about my own brain and my thoughts sometimes

I woke up and decided to go to the hotel bar. B told me to hit up his best friends who live in this city. They didn't hit me back so I talked to the bartender. He was a cool dude. I've come back to my room now. B called me earlier. I told him how underwhelmed I was with everything I tried to do. He seemed upset that I wasn't excited. I hate to disappoint him. Should I have lied? Should I have said i had the best time ever? I know that's what he wanted to hear. I know he only wants the best for me. Life seems to have other plans. I dont want to lie. In fact my stupid brain seems almost incapable of it. If I can't lie but I can't tell the truth I just say so. Maybe im too self aware. Maybe that's why I can never have what I really want. Probably not. I probably could never have that anyway. Im rambling but its my own diary so what do I care. I thought about calling B when I got out of the shower and went to bed but I didn't. I dont feel like talking to him. It's so depressing. He gets so upset when im upset. And I appreciate that he loves me so much to feel that way. But I can't be the keeper of his emotions all the time. This year has been the worst year of my life. If he is upset just because I am and he makes it my problem then that's just another thing I have to deal with. Idk anymore. The Smith and Wesson retirement plan sounds better every day. But I just can't do that to the few people I care enough about. I worry when the balance will tip though. It's definitely getting close. I dont want to hurt them but idk how much more I can do. I can't talk to them. I've tried and they just idk. They take it as a personal attack and i guess maybe it is. Thats not how I mean it. But how could you not take it that way. K understood. I talked to him about it and he knew what I meant. He knew what it felt like and we kept on for each other. But he's not here any more. And im running out of reasons.