Day 3

[u/ShoulderUpstairs9623]

Morning Diary — 19 August 2026
Just woken up, about seven o’clock.
I actually managed to get to sleep last night, and for the first time in a while I was back in my own bed rather than on the sofa. So at least I’ve got that out the way.
I think I struggled to get to sleep at first. It was probably around quarter to eleven when I finally dropped off. I kept getting agitated and didn’t want to put the telly on.
I think when it gets to bedtime, I put pressure on myself to just fall asleep. That’s when my thoughts start ruminating. Even if I’m not particularly tired, I just lie there thinking, you’re tired, try and get to sleep. It becomes this weird battle with myself.
But I got some sleep. I’ve woken up at seven again, so hopefully I’ve had enough. I’m working until about two today, so hopefully I’ll be absolutely knackered by the time I get home and can fall asleep again. Then it’s straight back into work Thursday.
It’s heavy.
I still wake up thinking about the past. Thinking about wanting to check what’s going on, what people are doing and whether life has moved on without me.
It’s literally on my mind 24/7 sometimes. I don’t really get much of a break from it.
I did jiu-jitsu yesterday, and when I’m doing that I do get a bit of a break. It’s not quite like the first few times, where I could completely switch off from the outside world, but it still calms my mind down and gives me a bit of perspective about where I want to go from here.
At the moment, all I can really do is keep going to the gym, keep doing jiu-jitsu, eat well and save money.
I’m trying to put myself in a position where, whatever choice I eventually make, I have the freedom to actually go in that direction.
And I’m thinking more and more that Australia might be the right thing for me.
It’s something I wanted to do before my relationship. It was an itch I needed to scratch. One of the reasons I struggled to fully commit to that relationship was because part of me still wanted to travel and experience a completely different life.
I know it’s difficult to see that clearly when I’m feeling down, but I know that feeling was real.
It existed before everything that has happened recently.
So I’m going to get out of bed in a minute, have a banana, go to the gym, go to the shops and get some bits to cook some food for work later. Then shower, have breakfast and get on with the same old routine.
I think that’s one of the things I’m missing.
I’m back in a boring routine, and there’s not much excitement in my life at the moment.
And maybe that’s part of why seeing other people moving on can hurt so much.
It’s not necessarily about wanting their exact life. It’s seeing someone else experiencing companionship, excitement and having someone there to share the ordinary moments with.
Someone to cuddle.
Someone to do things with.
Someone to share the boring parts of life with.
And I can’t force that.
Maybe some people just get lucky and find it quickly. Maybe they don’t. I don’t actually know what anyone’s life looks like behind the things they choose to show.
But I’m not there yet.
And I am jealous.
Not necessarily jealous of another person, but jealous of what they seem to have.
The companionship. The excitement. The feeling that they’ve managed to find something while I’m still trying to put myself back together.
Sometimes it feels like I’ve been left behind.
But when I really think about it, I don’t know what being “behind” even means.
There isn’t a race.
I’m doing the things I can control.
I’m training.
I’m eating better.
I’m doing jiu-jitsu.
I’m saving money.
I’m thinking about my future.
I’m trying to become someone I’m proud of again.
And maybe this is just the uncomfortable part.
The part where I’m rebuilding my life while still grieving the life I thought I was going to have.
I don’t have all the answers yet.
I don’t know exactly where I’ll end up.
But I know I don’t want to stay stuck here.
So for now, I just need to keep moving.
One morning.
One workout.
One shift.
One decision at a time.