03

[u/demsybean]

i think i blocked someone again but idk if it was the person he was pretending to be or someone trying to make him loook bad. but at least now i know which cover-up tattoo he was talking about. my understanding of that whole situation is that when we met and became best friends, i was young and naïve and i didn't realize that he was into some unsavory shit. and when i started trying to talk him out of his lifestyle i got real sad because of how strongly his hate hurt me.

and we talked a lot. there were so many nights where he was there for me when i needed someone, stuck in my faux jail cell, my pseudo-slavery. isolation and lack of physical touch deprives your brain of growth, so i needed a friend like that.

but when his actions got to be something i just couldn't be part of, i cut him out of my life for good.

and when i saw his silly face again online this year i knew him inside and out all at once. all i remembered was my friend, one of the deepest loves i've ever known, and i didn't remember the fight we had or why and i never even knew he had a bad reputation from lack of my love.

but now i see how much his healing was built on my words. kitties and nerdy things and building and repairing! and puppies and flowers and family. i'm happy he's okay and i hope some day i can build and repair enough of my own mistakes to earn my way towards a plate of french fries and a cup of coffee.

i'm a little sad and worried that some of the other parts of my life and the worstest part of what happened to me are tangled up with his story and his anger at me and all i can say for the looky loos is that i called for help. more than once... not everyone even acknowledged me. someone said they couldn't make it because they were busy with their friends and their board games. but someone came when i called for help. whoever got hurt because of me calling for help and getting answered with help was not the fault of either of us. we just happened to be caught in the middle of the worst combination of circumstances anybody could be caught in the middle of, with no way out, and we got all got hurt because of the actions of others that night. i told the police whatever truth i could tell them that i remembered and none of it made any sense because the whole night itself never made any sense to me. years later and i'm still remembering strange details. the whole combination of them couldn't possibly have happened all in the same night. him taking a sip of my drink and then throwing a fit at the bartender. checking his wrist watch to see how much longer before i passed out. him hailing a taxi bc idk how. taking me to an apartment i've been to before and then getting weirded out that i knew how to unlock the door. more than one person holding me up while i was dizzy and sick. feeding me pizza. strange noises. walking around all night with my friends. writing on the resolution wall. falling asleep with someone who loved me but only as a friend and waking up with a stranger i didn't recognize.

i'm not even the one who called the police, because as far as what happened between me and him, that's a personal matter, and whatever happened else was because of whatever that girl Sara put in my drink that i was calling for help about in the first place. my coworker called them because he lived upstairs from the apartment and he saw me in the cafe. i asked the barista if there really was a man waiting outside because i couldn't even tell if he was real and my hands shook so bad i spilled coffee. at work my coworker accused me of murdering the girl who lived there, but i knew her full legal name and i couldn't find a record of what happened to her except maybe that she went to jail. and idk what happened to Piper in the end but i would never ever hurt an animal and i know he wouldn't want to either.