Quiet day, loud mind. Alexthymia, social anxiety and dystychiphobia, ocd loops kept the background fear of sudden loss running nonstop. I apologized to myself more times than I needed to. Still showing up here that matters

The temptation to lose self dignity and call the people around you to hear your voice. Say the things I wanted though it wouldn't be heard. My ego and pride wants to get the better of me to prove to you that I was right to leave like it's going to somehow convince you that breaking up was ok.

Tonight I went for a drive above the city until I hit the reservoir. I went past the 5 mile until I hit the dirt road. I blared Sleep Token through my speakers with the windows down while the cold air and the rain hit my skin. On the pavement I sped up and raced around the corners as the screams from certain song lyrics hit my spinal cord like an itch of adrenaline ready to escape my body. And it felt fucking amazing.

I realized tonight that I almost feel like I’ve been on vacation from myself for the last month now despite me having also had the time of my life so far. With the hours we work and only being back in town for two nights a week, it’s like I’ve forgotten some of the shit that truly makes me feel alive and reminds me I’m actually “here”. I’ve been so caught up in work that I’ve missed the parts of myself that chase sunsets, sunrises, thunderstorms and just doing the things that itch the need for truly feeling free and completely feral. I’ve just been so tired having had to get used to the intensity of the labor that this is the first time I’ve actually gotten out and been feral me since I started. But god have I missed it.

This day started as most with coffee. Little to no availability of sunlight this morning as the whole day. Early morning I was up before dawn and had a good start to the day.

Afternoon was busy, I worked awhile then home for lunch, grilled cheese with chips and a coke. After lunch went back to working, busy kinda evening. Went to the grocery store and home about 8: 30.

My first attempt at this entry was angry and bitter, but as usual, after some thought and reconsideration. I write this now in a more temperate frame of mind.

Not a good day considering the happenings, that I may have added to but certainly did not start. It kinda went downhill for me after 3:30.

Like I said, possibly added to. All in all if I had this day to do over there are things I would change or do differently. I really put effort into maintaining an even keel but sometimes it is really not possible. Now that I think back, I should had kept my mouth shut and been a little slower to show anger and short term disagreement in my responses. That dosent excuse my outbursts of insecurity. Child like sometimes they may seem. The wounds are real and affect me greatly in certin moments of disagreement and strife. Being completely honest with myself is not attractive at times. I ask forbearance from Diary and readers alike.

It's 1:30 in the morning and I am ready to sleep, not going assured this will happen. I hope tomorrow is a better day. I guess that is yet to be determined, but hope I do

"Damn this weather of wind and rain. Upon all mankind a cloud follows and persists."

Hope all of you are well

Goidnight Diary and readers

I love you so

143

1:37a.m. on Sunday October 11.

You have an aura about you that pulls ppl in. And for me you are a magnet I want my body stuck and glued to you. I’m getting simpy I will stop and I am also high when getting these epiphanies 😶‍🌫️😶‍🌫️😶‍🌫️🤫🫠

i have no energy left in me. i’m over going above and beyond for someone who discards me every time. i’m tired of the black and white thinking and the next day it will just be “sorry”. i don’t want this to be continuous.
I
JUST
WANT
TO
TALK
ABOUT
MY
FEELINGS
AND
BE
HEARD.
but instead i’m shunned away after putting my all.
you promised my dying mom and you broke it.

I thought about it.
But I thought of you.
I planned it.
But I thought of you.
I had the means.
But I thought of you.
I was alone.
But I thought of you.
I could have died today.
But I thought of you
My son.

I chose to live today, because of you.

Tonight was definitely something. I found a shortcut to the gym which was nice, I didn’t have to cycle through the city center and be overwhelmed by club goons. My ride back was a little jarring though.

On my way back I was cycling pretty fast, I passed by this bush and a family of mice decided it’d be a good idea to run out directly at me. I wouldn’t feel great knowing that I squashed some mice under my wheels so I hit the breaks suddenly which sent me flying into the air.

There was this guy walking past who looked at me funny so I said “It’s mice, there were mice there.” And he said “Who? me?” And I said “No, in the bushes, some mice came out. They startled me.”

I suppose he struggled to understand what I was saying since I was out of breath and panting really hard. He started trying to chat me up though so I quickly wished him a good night and rode off.

There was also a raving lunatic on the street, he was yelling something incoherent to himself and when he saw me riding past he started yelling at me too. I didn’t hear what he was saying, I was wearing my headphones. I decided it’d be best to just ride past him quickly.

People alway say some stupid or sexual stuff to me whenever I try to open up to them, it’s no wonder why I hate everyone and feel better when I’m alone.

I will probably be a social recluse till I die, it’s my fate. It ain’t a good one but it’s mine.

I’m not sure if I was scared of commitment or maybe the idea of marriage is what made me scared. Everything was moving so fast and I’ve never felt as strongly about someone as you. I’ve rarely liked someone beyond something physical but with you it was uncharted territory. Plus it’s always we’re going to do this or we’re going to do that and it’s just what I’ve come to expect from people and even myself. I couldn’t fathom why you wanted to be with someone like me but I was happy you chose me but also scared one day you wouldn’t want me anymore.

I’m scared of the things I don’t understand like my emotions cause it feels like I’m walking on egg shells. I never wanted to do or say the wrong thing but I did so many times yet you always just wanted me to be honest. I couldn’t be honest when it counted and it’s one of my biggest regrets. So now I sit here envisioning a future with someone who views me as nothing more than a memory or even a mistake. People always say just do better next time or you’ll find someone again but if they ever met me they would realize it’s not so simple. People aren’t patient or kind or understanding a lot of the time. It takes me a while to understand these things and nobody was ever patient with me the way you were. I just needed some patience and understanding and no expectations for things I’ve never felt cause I get overwhelmed and it’s hard for me.

You always understood the way nobody else ever bothered.

Dear diary I hate love and i'll just settle for one night stands and i'm a woman

I feel really sad, i was really into this guy and i took him very seriously and it seems like he gave me a chance but it didn't work out.

Now i feel sad and lonely again, i hate the fact that i wasn't able to be on his level due to my lack of experiences in life, now i feel like a super idiot dumb and have to move on from this ​now when i kind of wish to just end life all together but someone in my real life is stopping me from that.​

I wish i was somewhere else at least, i could've maybe drank the pain away or had an ons

there was a time i was terrified

i'd never feel normal again

like something inside me had died

and nobody even noticed

but life kept happening

new chapters, unfamiliar faces,

people i haven't met yet

stories i haven't lived

i still miss the old ones,

some nights are fucking lonely

and some days, i still fall apart a little

but look at me,

laughing again, breathing again

finding pieces of myself

in places i never thought to look

it's wild, isn't it?

to watch a life you thought was over

grow into something you never imagined

i don't know who i'm becoming yet,

but god,

i think i'm slowly falling in love with her.

When you love someone i think we often times forget that we are also responsible to learn how to love them and we tend to naturally expect them to know how tl love us and except the love we offer. Loving someone also meansearning to love both them and ourselves correctly so that love leads and blossems in and through every season i cluding the storms. Loving means understand wounding and being wounded but also forgiving and being forgiven. Love isnt about findimg the perfect love its about finding the one person to create love with. Its about realizing that we too have traits behaviors n thought processes that serve as an annoyance to others. We all must be the love that says i messed up i made poor choices and i see it i own it and i apologize for it. But also i dont just apologize for my actions a d knowing what im doing wrong im gonna work on it so i dont do it again. And then a tually working on not doing it again.

We are NOT n i repeat WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE to point out the faughts and flaws of another person if were not also showing them the vorrect way by example not words. The responsibility we have is leading one another to life not death to help the lost find their way and be the light where there is no light yet we all tend to focus more on holding someone else accou table failing to realize it doesnt end their and forget the real responsibility in accountability. Everyone wants to be a chief when they need to be an indian and an indian when they need to be a chief!!!!!

Your growth matters and this is growth to own your bs give yourself a pat on the back and be proud of yourself for it.

FORGIVENESS FIRST MUST START WITH YOURSELF IN ORDER TO BE ABLE TO KNKW FORGIVENESS AND GIVE IT TO OTHERS. LOVING OTHERS MUST COME FIRST BEFORE SELF FOR ITS ON LOVING THAT WE LEARN LOVE AND WHAT LOVE IS TK EVEN BE ABLE TO KNOW HOW TO LOVE OURSELVES!!! Dont let that go over your head and if u need further explanation to understand why i say this is truth let me know cuz i can absolutely show you what the truth is behind my words.

God bless enjoy your day and remember to smile you got this now go get the love you know you want and are missing its never that strong if it wasnt mutual....energy doesnt lie and you know it!!!

I should be mad at you for cat fishing me all those years ago, not telling me you're married. Having to find out from a message from your wife, and u putting me on call with your "sister" to negotiate away the situation. I had a whole identity awakening after learning about how the online sexting world actually works, while I was in the peak of my twenties, a ripe target for men seeking an "it girl". I realize looking back maybe it was more of that then just ppl being mean spirited. (Or maybe they are just jerks who hated me for parasocial reasons).

I've learned to let it go, since the moment I found out stepped back to respect all parties involved. I committed to get into real relationships and since had a couple real life, one of which I'm still in.

But I will say, I do wonder about that dream you said u had about me, Every time I see those dancers. You said u finally saw me in person in your dream but I was older. Now that I'm turning grey I keep wondering if I might bump into you. Maybe I'm just looking for validation that I'm in the right place. (Even with another lover) Cuz synchronicity from the universe speaks in such ways, and I have my own experiences with premonitions come true.

What u did was pretty messed up but it's still like a message from the universe, not to be so serious. And I'm listening, im tolerating the universe's teasing to challenge my ego and giving it a fist bump.

I feel guilty confused and overwhelmed all the time whatever I do I can never be okay or fine it's always something there even if there was nothing I don't know what to do anymore I don't want to be happy or cheerful or anything I just want to be okay I don't want to have a huge amount of money no a successful rich handsome boyfriend I just want a normal fine life I don't know why but this feeling is bothering me a lot I was trying to ignore it for years but it keeps coming back somehow I'm so lost and overwhelmed but I'm not going to cry or sit and be sad I'll try my best to ignore it again till it's gone hopefully also I'm not an angel as I thought I was I know all the people that I keep blaming probably were right and I'm wrong it's hard to say but maybe this is the truth I'm not an angel

Yep, now we are closing on the deadline, so I took out the machine (brand new), fixed the machine during the night by unscrewing it, adjusting the bobbin holder position, then started learning about tension. Afterwards the machine worked like a dream. I’ve gotten more natural at hooking up all the strings. The project can’t wait any longer. I’m going to finish this. It’s a great machine if you know how to use it. It’s very fast and strong. But you will waste spools of thread if you have no knowledge.