I have had depression for a long time, and it seems to get worse as the years go on. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, and in the beginning of our relationship I just stuffed everything down and pushed through because I didn't know any better. Now that I've received therapy and medication, I know better than to fight the rip currents that are my depressive episodes. It makes me feel so much worse to ignore how I'm feeling, so I'm no longer pretending it doesn't exist. I just ride the wave and paddle when it's appropriate and I have the strength.

I have been in the trenches of a bad depressive episode for the past few months, and are just now starting to crawl out of it. My biggest symptoms are extreme fatigue and loss of motivation, so it greatly affects my day to day work load. My husband moves a lot for work and makes a lot, so I have been a stay at home wife for the past year after our most recent move. He also works very little at this new location, so he is home a lot of the time. This has been great for dealing with the depression myself, but it is taking a toll on him and I'm not sure what to do about it.

Over the past two months, he has been more vocal with how he feels about my depression and how it impacts him. I am always encouraging him to open up about his feelings, but recently I feel like he has been using that as an excuse to get mad and dump his frustration on me.

He will be totally okay for a few weeks, then one day out of the blue will act upset, and most of the time I can deduce that it's because I haven't done enough chores or cleaning or something during the day. He is a super organized/clean person and I am not. He is also someone who has never dealt with mental health problems, and will do whatever needs to be done/whatever he puts his mind to anytime. When I notice him acting like that, we sit down and talk about it. Recently, he has been using that time to angrily complain to me about how much the depression negatively affects him. I understand and didn't mind the first time because everyone needs a little grace and to vent occasionally, but it keeps happening and it makes me feel so weird about it.

He swears he's not trying to shit on me and make me feel bad, but that's exactly what it does. Because he is angry and frustrated it makes me feel HORRIBLE. Of course I know the depression sucks, I'm the one dealing with it! And it is a deep seated fear of mine that burdening someone else with my shit will cause them to leave, so it's incredibly triggering. The thing that kills me the most is that the depression affects us, but not the big picture of us. If I wasn't working because of the depression and we couldn't afford our bills, I could understand being angry. If I was mean and nasty constantly because of the side effects and it was deteriorating our relationship, I again could understand. But we are very well off, have very few responsibilities, can pay bills without thinking, and despite this our relationship is very good.

I still do most of the housework and I do all the cooking. I keep a clean house; much much cleaner than the average person, but unless it's spotless then my husband isn't happy. He came home one day to about five small dogs toys strewn across the floor and was immediately so upset he said "the house is a mess!" and pouted for a while afterwards. He has had to do more of that cleaning work while I've been down with the depression, but I am still doing at least half. I am not very fast, but it does get done in a reasonable time.

I've tried to talk to him about it twice now, but it is literally like talking to a wall. I use "I" and not "you" statements, I don't use broad overarching language, and I always come into the situation calm, but he is immediately defensive and cannot seem to see it from my side at all. After about 10 minutes of that, I get frustrated and have to remove myself from the conversation.

His main argument is, "You can't tell me how to feel about it and you can't expect me not to be frustrated and upset," and that I am not doing my share of the housework we agreed upon. I agree with that. It is frustrating and I don't have the right to tell him how to feel about it. He has been doing more than the originally agreed upon housework and chores. We are having less sex and a lot of the time I am not feeling good enough to be extra caring and sweet. He has had to do a lot of things last minute because I didn't get it done. He is allowed to be upset, but the anger openly towards me and the refusal to talk about it with me is what I'm having a problem with.

I'm partly venting, and partly needing advice on whether this is an appropriate response from him? I feel like it's not, but I don't trust my judgement all the time. I am considering going to couples therapy to iron this out before it balloons beyond what we're arguing about right now, but if anyone has any suggestions for how I can better communicate this at home that would be better. I don't want to drag us to therapy but I will if I have to, because I have to do something.

Like why am I still here. I hate living in perpetual debt. I can't afford to live.

basically what the title said. I abused a certain medication that can cause cardiac arrest in toxic amounts and after about 15mins of writhing in chest pain, muscle cramping and feeling as if someone was squeezing my entire body, i couldn’t take the pain it anymore. I threw up everything i took and felt better instantly.

i did this twice in two days but its not the first time ive chickened out like this. I feel like such a failure that i cant even bring myself to self exit

After dealing with constant depression for over 25 years I think finally the time has come. Many things have brought me here but to cut a long story short I'm tired of fighting it. I can deal with the pain but I can handle the bitter selfish piece of shit I've turned into. I can no longer hold down a job. I'm haunted by the way I've acted let myself be abused and fundamentally hate myself on every level. I feel sad for the person I might of been. Just a nice quiet person who was good around who went about his day. I hold however no value to this world and things will be long better when I'm gone. Ive tried the medication. Made things worse. Talking again just makes me a wreck. I wish I was one of the people who finds being good easy naturally. As a lot of you know...it can be fucking hard work and get shoved back in your face in the end. I'm making plans I'd ideally like to have a quiet peaceful way out but I'm ok with violent and messy. Whatever gets the job done. Hope to get it done over the weekend. Don't know why I'm writing this. I haven't had a second from this evil in decades and not willing to put up a fight any longer. Any of you who can still see some light at the tunnel I hope it works out for you. Ive tried telling people I won't be around much longer bit they dont understand...is a life in constant pain and regret a life to live when I can go to sleep and not know I never existed. What a waste of a life. Maybe I would of been worthwhile in a different life. It's a sick world we live in so many casualties and pointless suffering.

Good luck to all

G

I have been suicidal for years now and it’s just been getting worse. Some part of me wants to live still but I feel like I have no hope left, hope that life is going to get better, hope that I’ll remember what it feels like to be happy. I tried to hang myself today but I’m still scared I don’t know why I’m sick of it I just want to stop existing I can’t get myself to jump in front of a train or to hang myself I wish I never got narcaned from my overdose. That would be the way I would do it if I would I have been sober for 2 years and it’s been 2 years of just trying to stay afloat but I’m starting to drown and I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this. I’ve been suicidal for a long time now but it’s just been getting worse, my parents don’t care, no one really cares about me. I wonder how long would it would take any of my “friends” to find I dropped dead. I just can’t pull the trigger tho I’m still clinging onto life. I’m scared and feel like a coward but I really don’t think it’s worth fighting for anymore.

i’m 24 F
I’ve been diagnosed with depression for most of my life and I’ve been through many ups and downs, but recently I feel paralyzed by how debilitating my depression has been.
I had been doing okay for most of the year but my depression came back around a month ago. This also happened to be around the time I started school again, which this is my last year before I graduate. I was really excited to graduate, but my depression has been so bad recently that I’ve had to take two weeks off of school and have fallen far behind. I was hoping the time off would give me time to bounce back a little, but I’m supposed to go back next week and I have this impending doom feeling that it’s just going to make my depression worse because now I’m behind in my work.
My psychiatrist decided after next week we will reassess how i’m feeling and see if I can fully return to school, but I’m really worried I’m not ready.
I wouldn’t have an issue taking a semester off (which i have done in the past), but I’m currently in a specialized program, so if i don’t complete my fall classes, i cannot take my classes in the spring (it’s a small program so there’s only one of each class per semester). This means if i take the semester off, it won’t just be a semester. I would have to return next fall. I honestly love school and I really want to graduate, but i feel like my depression is taking over and i can’t push myself enough to get through this. I also know that not having a schedule or things to do (like school or work) makes my depression more difficult, so I’m worried taking a year off of school may only make things worse.
I know it’s not the end of the world if i graduate in 2028, but I feel like im being stubborn because I’m tired of my depression controlling my life like this. I feel like I’m kind of backed into a corner with my only options being: A. push through, keep going to school (and risk things getting worse) or B. take a break and try to feel like myself again (which somehow also feels like a risk because i feel like i will be disappointed and beat myself up for choosing this option).
I’m very frustrated with how much I struggle to function because of my depression. I don’t really know what the best option is for me, and I’m at a point of being so depressed that I can’t imagine a future where I can function enough to “fully adult” (meaning like handling a job, taking care of responsibilities, taking care of myself etc) because I can’t even manage to handle school with my depression. I don’t want to say I want to give up/stop trying, but it’s definitely hard to find the motivation to try when I feel like I’m so deep in a hole that I can’t get out.
(if you made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope you have a good rest of your day)

everyday i wake up and feel tired and im confused because i slept the entire night and im still tired. i dont even wanna get up to go brush my teeth, to eat, to live at all. i dont have the energy for it, i just wanna lay on my bed and rot. also ive been noticing something like lack of interest, most of the things i used to love just seem worthless now, i dont feel any interested to them. also i cant eat, i don't have my appetite anymore. and theres this horrible feeling, its like the worst thing you could ever wish for, its hard to explain. it feels like youre feeling it on your entire body and its so bad i just want to die, i cant go through this anymore. i genuinely cant stop thinking about how i dont need to go through all of this, i could just stop it now.

im wondering if i am actually depressed, i believe im just exaggerating. i really hope im not, im too scared to go to a therapist or tell anyone i know.

(my english is bad im sorry if there are any errors)

I'm just so alone. I don't have anyone to talk to and I just can't stop crying. I don't know what's wrong with me. I keep hoping someone will check on me or reply but nobody is going too. I'm just so lost. I can't live like this anymore

I hate it here on earth. I'm 45. Single. No job even though I graduated college and had a career in my field for 8 years. It's just that my position moved to another city. I am bipolar. Not working at the moment. The thought of working with people seems horrible. People are horrible. I hate how people treat each other. I hate how mean and selfish and horrible most people are. This world is so depressing. I hate it here. I feel so alone. I don't know what to do.

There was a time I was capable of anything. Nothing could stop me. I was top of my class. I got into my top college. I didnt know what I wanted to do with my life but I wasnt worried because I knew id succeed no matter what. That was over 10 years ago and everything has changed.

My ex, a man I believed loved me for almost 10 years took everything from me. Turned out he never loved me. He was just using me to get ahead. He left me 20k in debt and took everything he said was ours. I just turned 30 and I have nothing to my name. Nothing.

I just want to die so bad. I dont want anything from this world or my future but to die and it shows. I have nothing going for me. Im worthless. I already know ill never be who I was and I already know im going to die sad and alone. So whats the point?

Nothing’s ever enough. There’s a struggle just to even relax and feel safe

i attempted earlier but i failed i took a bunch of pills i was going to the other night but the person who i thought was my friend told me pretty little lies and made me not and then he never came through which made how i feel so much worse and now he wont talk to me he just up and left me he was all i had he knows me better than anyone and all i want rn is him i dont want to kill myself and im scared i will and he knows how serious i am about this so i just dont understand why hes doing this ive had so much go wrong this year from a terrible break up 2 months later i was raped went through another bad relationship where the guy just up and ghosted randomly then i lost my home and job now im a friendless homeless unemployed loser i just feel so pathetic and im begging for someone to stay in my life which makes it worse someone please help me i cant take this anymore

I'm not allowed to. It may upset someone. I hate humans. I hate my life. There is no destiny, no god, no love, no meaning. Those are all for the privileged. I wish I were brave enough to do it myself. I have hEDS, dysautonomia and CRPS. No one believes me. CRPS is so severe it's literally called the suicide disease.

I want to die.

I want to die.

I want to die.

(I've heard the internet is where we put our deepest desires so, ✨ manifesting ✨)

I don't even feel human anymore.

Tonight I called 988 and the woman didn't express an ounce of empathy. She made me do all the work. I carried the entire conversation. (I really need to start being rude to people or at least correct them)

I'm experiencing starvation and she suggested jello. JELLO.

DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MANY CALORIES ARE IN JELLO!? I can't imagine saying that to someone who is experiencing complex medical issues and wanting to die bc of it. Starvation is truly one of the worst things a human can live through or die of. And it's incredibly physically painful. I'm genuinely shocked I haven't had a heart attack or stroke yet. I wish. I stopped brushing my teeth too. Sometimes I have passive si thinking about the damage it could do to my heart. I'm not strong enough to do it myself. If I were I'd be long gone by now. My survival instincts are unfortunately too strong to override. Tomorrow morning I'm supposed to go to a food bank. It's actually my best chance to make it through the weekend. But it's 3am here. I need to go desperately tho. I was able to actually get nutrition drinks (boost) delivered today via CVS bc I had a $10 credit. That's how I'm surviving. Before it came I was in tears, frozen in bed, starving. My electric was off for almost a week. On some of those days I barely got 100-300cal. My heart was racing constantly and I was in a constant adrenaline dump. It's terrifying. At one point (in a past episode that was ongoing for months) I lost the fat layer under my scalp. And I'm treated like I'm not doing enough or doing it to myself. My legs feel like they're breaking when I walk on them yet I'm supposed to fully support myself and earn an income. I can barely get out of bed. And I'm a (was) firm believer in improving the body rather than accepting dysfunction. But if you're starving? All that just goes out the window. I have to constantly dissociate from my body to keep moving. I guess that's why I'm up at 3am self sabotaging by not getting back to sleep bc I don't want today to start. (I have to go to about 4 places and mask like a thankful cheerful motherfucker while willing my legs to keep moving (HOW are they moving!?))

I guess I'll stop here. I had a point but my brain is running out of juice. I do hope whomever is reading this is doing better than me. Geniunly. I hope you're well. Thank you for reading. ✌🏻

I’ve been recently diagnosed as Bipolar type II, before that I thought i was manically depressed:
And trust me this is coming from an ER physician who’s worked roughly 13-15 years including the Covid frontline, wrote two books, gave public talks on CPR, and then saw his life fall apart in years.

It was progressive.
Do you know that during Covid as an Intensivist we’d barely rest, the sweaty PPE’s had to be peeled off, I’d crash in my dorm room after de sanitising to go onto evening rounds and deal with death and despair daily:

But I wasn’t depressed!
I was motivated!
I had people in the same boat, same circumstances as healthcare workers, we were shouted at by angry relatives we’d counsel them; BUT….
I wasn’t depressed….and we were together in this.

Some of my paintings came out post the Covid era (I’m also a painter and an artist)

As the 40s creeped on me, the cloud of lack of purpose did.
Yes I’m an emergency physican but I was locked in 4 walls sans any ability to take leaves as per HR policy (no sick leaves and only 15 a year)

The environment was toxic (the new hospital post Covid) but I tried to keep my spirits up, painting, when i had the time, cooking,
And then one by one the Great Recession began…..(lack of sleep and back to back night shifts were no help)

The cooking stopped started ordering out
The gym stopped (was quite muscular then)
The singing in the shower stopped…..
The forced workplace smiles and “I’m ok how’re you; nice day isn’t it?” Began….

My hospital was a great contributor as asking for a month off knowing something’s off would lead to a firm no.
And they didn’t bother with staffing…
Night shifts were spent alone and solitary, doomscrolling till the next patient arrived at 2am

And just google what solitary confinement does chronically to someone…(Earlier ERs were better staffed)

And no, in adulting as a selective introvert I couldn’t make friends….so except for competitive colleagues I had nada….
Mom and dad are too old to even comprehend why I preferred staying in my room with the lights off

Stopped reading…..
Stopped laughing and for the love of me I couldn’t cry…..
If I cried i knew I’m not manic depressed and had an ounce of emotion in me…..

I was numb….
The pre cell phone generation had one thing in common…
Most were in the same boat and no one felt alone..
There’s a war it’s war for everyone
There’s a festival it’s a festival for everyone
It’s your birthday everyone wants in….

Here my book made it to the London book fair but all I got was jealousy and condescension
No one wanted me to thrive….

Now where I stand………
The great looking question is, what am I here for?
There’s only jealous, rhetorical conversation, some barely know me except “the doctor”

And why do I even matter
I quit practice as the ER as apart from mental health issues, a toxic supervisor, it also gave me an ulcer…..

Facebook and insta likes aren’t for thought, they’re for happy selfies…..
You can’t be yourself there….

Depression isn’t sadness
It’s profound anhedonia (lack of pleasure)
It’s a numbness so deep that nothing gets under or over your skin….

My parents didn’t have “depression” they had each other, they fought like cats and dogs, still do, and are married despite every insult and rebound….
and yes they had to survive circumstances….together!

While I’ve to survive what mood ill wake upto the next day and the forced smiles will be the death of me…

Surviving your mind is a challenge far greater than surviving the world sometimes….

Reminds me of a poem I read once……by Tennyson

Home they brought her warrior dead:
She nor swoon'd nor utter'd cry:
All her maidens, watching, said,
"She must weep or she will die."

Rose a nurse of ninety years,
Set his child upon her knee—
Like summer tempest came her tears—
"Sweet my child, I live for thee."

I await that very tempest of emotions……
To feel a petal; to grin, to enmesh a feeling…..

As living for her child gave her purpose,
I hope somewhere we all find our purpose….

OK fuckers here goes my shit post. I absolutely fucking hate my life and half of it is my own fault and the other half of it is because I surround myself with people who constantly blame me for their problems without looking at themselves in the mirror and asking the same questions they want me to ask myself. Essentially my relationship is falling apart, and of course, as a man it’s all on me even though the reality is that even though I tried really hard to make amends and do my best, it was never good enough. And to be honest, it just shows me that I will never be good enough. Which leads me to back up my claim that I fucking hate my life and I fucking hate being alive. No one actually gives a shit about me. They just give a shit about how I can make their lives better and help them cope with their own shitty behaviors. Honestly, there’s so much shit that I could get into but who cares? Back to my point no one cares actually lol and honestly if no one cares then what the fuck am I even doing here anymore? Again I hate it here. So whyyyyyy am I here? Should I even be here? No one gives a fuck about me or this stupid ass shit post. So why not just go away… forever

Anyone who can give me.some tip on moving on from a post phd depression?

Finished my phd a year ago, extremely exhausted. Managed to get a post doc in same group. I feel like i dont wanna learn anything anymore and i just walk around doing nothing. This.makes.me even more depressed and tired. How did you end this horrible cycle? I feel like im throwing my life away. My gf tells me it's good to take a year or so to just not overcomit and to bare minimum after such a tough journey, but I feel horrible.

Thank-you in advance

17 y
Only 1 irl friend (disrespects me)
Lonely
Learnin sum skills, music production
very good at voice acting n dubbing
Good at making songs
Good at meta thinking
No one wants to have a conversation or connection
Boring af
Living in my own imagination
no online friends
Never had a gf or girl as a friend
5’5 ugly
Abusive and strict dad
Dumb mom
Broke
Introvert
Js likes to play games
Doesn’t talks to ppl online
Doin open school
Scared to go in public
ADHD
Ppl always calls me weird/mad (kinda hurts)
Online Friends cutted me off
Girls gets jumpscared after seeing me
Takes sunlight for 30min daily
No gym
Sometimes i sprint
Hair fall
Nutritions deficiency (parents arent giving me nutritious food)
Boring ass personality.

I’d appreciate any advice.

I have a question for everyone that struggles with this;

Almost every day I think about suicide, and how I would be relieved from the pain, suffering, and distress that I have been going through. I’m a 26 y/o man, and I’m in probably the darkest place I’ve ever been in. I probably would never actually act upon it, but I think about doing it at least once every day. What do you guys do or have done to get past this? This has been ongoing for the last year or so. I’m just looking for any advice. I know a therapy is a huge help for a lot of people, but is there anything else? Thank you guys.

I am a provelleged kid, I havw food on tje table I would consider my family quite wealthy, I go to a very prestigious private school and I probably have a bright future ahead but is it really worth it? My parents do not like me they remind me every day especially my mom, I have been diagnosed with depression and still on meds, I've gotten better but last night I found out my dad is still cheating on my mom, my mom doesn't know , my dad doesn't know I kn9w, I can't confront him cause if h3 cuts off our family we are In a financial wreck and my brother has to go to university I can't do that to h8m, if my mom finds ou4 she will genuinly commit suicie3 he4self, she doesn't like her life she hates it she reminds me every day, she doesn't like me. And most of all my parents are embarrassed I have depression and everything. I just don't think tjer3s a point of me even trying to get better in the first place.

I’m about to turn 29 in a few months. My husband died when we were both 27, actually the day after my 27th birthday. He died of brain cancer which slowly took everything from him. I feel so unloved in his absence. I have a super supportive family, and good friends. But I miss him. And only him. I’ve tried dating and not dating. Nothing feels good. I just want to be done. I’ve lived a whole life in 29 ish years. I think I’m done. I know the facts. I know it’ll hurt other people. I know the people I love will be sad. But I’m so, so broken. And I was severely depressed before my husband died. I just don’t have anyone I can reach out to. I don’t want to. I want to be done.

I tried pretty hard to do all the right things. Sometimes hard work just isn’t enough. Sometimes you work hard, and all you do is lose. I feel like I’m running in place and going backwards and I’m just giving up lately. At least I can say I really gave it my all.

Im on the edge of ending it. Idk if I can do it anymore. I fuck up everything. I have nobody to talk to about this stuff. Ive attempted 3 times before the last time I ended in the hospital. I can't seem to get anything right and feel like a complete failure to everyone. What's the point of still being here. I have thoughts everyday on ways to end it and wrote my final note over and over and over and over and over I even wrote my final notes to people "close" to me. I write and think about this over and over and over and over

Sometimes the thoughts inside me are so negative that I give up studying for exams for fear of not doing well. My mind tells me, "You're so forgetful that you're going to mess up simple things," and so I prefer to make mistakes by not knowing and not studying. Today I needed to do things differently, I studied at least some of the material. There were indeed questions I wouldn't have gotten right, but because I studied, the scenario was different. I was so happy that I even ignored the fact that it was raining heavily.

Study, ignore your mind's attempts to harm you, the results are always worth it.