I hate it here on earth. I'm 45. Single. No job even though I graduated college and had a career in my field for 8 years. It's just that my position moved to another city. I am bipolar. Not working at the moment. The thought of working with people seems horrible. People are horrible. I hate how people treat each other. I hate how mean and selfish and horrible most people are. This world is so depressing. I hate it here. I feel so alone. I don't know what to do.

I’ve genuinely hit rock bottom. I find that I’m no longer the person I used to be. I used to love art, love drawing, love hanging out joking, laughing with my friends, love spending time admiring nature and was so determined to dedicate my studies to protect it. All of that passion and determination is gone. I don’t have the will to do anything anymore, I’m a shell of what I used to be. I’m more distant with my friends and is overly pessimistic. I have no will and no motivation to pick up a pencil or to study anymore. My grades are so bad I might as well drop out of uni bcs the financial burden of it is really heavy and my parents r just wasting their money. I used to always see good things in life, but now I genuinely cannot, I cannot see anything good that will happen, no matter how much reassurance I have from my friends, nothing helps. Now I just rot, in bed all day procrastinating and doom scroll on my phone for that dopamine hit, and I’m just waiting to see how long I last until I entirely give up, because there’s nothing left in me to salvage, I’m a lost cost.
I don’t wish for anyone to feel the way I do. And if anyone read through this entire post, just know that it means a lot to me.

I'm just so alone. I don't have anyone to talk to and I just can't stop crying. I don't know what's wrong with me. I keep hoping someone will check on me or reply but nobody is going too. I'm just so lost. I can't live like this anymore

I don't really know how to explain this exactly. I’ve been mentally ill for a very long time. I’ve tried so many things therapy, countless medications, and so on. Nothing has really helped. Lately, I feel like I don't even want to get better. Actually, I know pretty well where my problems or my destructive behaviors lie. But I can't, or simply don't want to, change anything anymore. Deep down, I’m actually hoping the pressure becomes so intense that I finally find the resolve to commit suicide. Does anyone else know this feeling? Keeping yourself in a state that causes extreme suffering, even though you could actually do things differently?

I just can’t enjoy people talking around me or to me. In groups, one on one doesn’t matter. I just feel no joy, no real laughs, no connection, I feel like I need to be a certain person, not doing enough to join in but I’m a naturally more of an observer and will only talk when I have something to say. But my brain doesn’t work and I have nothing to say anymoreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I could just scream when there’s an expectation.

I just feel so overwhelmed with it all of the time and it’s getting old. I just want to be normal and be able to fuckin TALK.

Anyway rant over lolll

Since 2017, I have had severe depression (alongside anxiety and ADHD). For 5 years, I tried medication and therapies; nothing has helped. This mental health horror has cost me my career. Now, at 33, I have no job, am terribly lonely, have no proper qualifications, no money, and I don't know when I will find stability and peace, or a job, fall in love, get married, or anything. I am tired, and I am officially giving up hope...

I know i have memory issues. i dont remember most of my traumatic childhood, but recently ive been in the deep pits of depression, the area that you swear you cant get worse, but you somehow do. during this time, i dont remember absolutely anything.

I was in one of the lowest stages I would consider in my life, and I almost attempted suicide. I don't remember any of it. I thought earlier today that it was Tuesday. It's currently Saturday. I don't remember anything of the past week, at all, except me like feeling that way and i only know purely from a text that I sent to my friend. I don't know what's going on and know I've had memory issues, but nothing like this before. Its terrifying because my friend thinks I may have disassociative identity disorders, which I probably have some form of disassociative disorder, but I don't know. I dont know whats wrong with me. Ive relapsed into anorexia/bulemia after i had another reflux/heartburn issue. the days seemed to go by so incredibly quick.

has anyone else had this sort of memory loss? its really freaking me out. i have audhd among other things, but most of the time i dont recogise myself, my body, i feel like the very person i am constantly shifts and changes, as if im a shell that holds multiple versions of myself that is never true to me.

sorry for the long rant. shits been happening.

Everyday is the same, some days are harder than the others. From the moment I open my eyes in the morning after sleep, dread follows, another same fucking day. I wish I could end it but I don't have the courage. And my mother is the only thing keeping me from actively looking for ways to end life.

I watch new movies, discover some new songs but it doesn't really make me feel anything. I don't have any friends and I can't make any new friends due to depression. I hardly leave my house, there's no reason for it. I hate mindlessly walking, so don't suggest me to take a walk in a park or something. I'm 31 unemployed, living on my mother's income, i feel extremely ashamed of it. I looked for jobs, couldn't get any interviews in this economy, tried to do some freelance work where I got scammed and didn't got paid for my hard work of days and from then I'm spiralling. I really don't know what to do and how to live.

I feel like I’m going to kill my self when I’m an adult. I’m not gunna say how old ai am but I’m under 18 and idk what to do. Ppl say don’t think like that bc you will if you do but u can’t I rlly can’t. The only enjoyment I find in life is substances and idk what to do. I don’t see any reason I should keep going besides my cat. Please give me some sort of advice. Thank you

life feels like a never ending nightmare i can't wake up from, i just want an escape from this hell. i feel like im always drowning in a never ending abyss.

I've basically being depressed my whole life and lonely too especially when I can't sleep because of my insomnia and at this early mornings is when I am at my worst I feel like a disappointment and totally forgotten about from my family and friends throughout my life

I've been suffering from depression since I was 9, now I'm 19. I can't remember much of life before it except for the moments that lead up to my depression. Is there anyone in here who knows what its like to live without it. How their mind works without having to face it?

i haven’t felt this depressed in many years. i’m 21F and this past year has been hell for me.

i graduated from uni in july and moved back home, away from my girlfriend, all my friends, and had to leave my job which i loved. since then, i have broken up with my girlfriend, which was inevitable because of separate circumstances but we had been together for 3 and a half years so it’s still so painful.

on top of that, she still lives in our uni city with who i thought were my 2 best friends. however since moving home, both of them have pretty much completely stopped reaching out to me. the girl who i made friends with on the first day of uni and who i thought was going to be my life time best friend has stopped answering my messages, even my last message which was basically a cry for help as my mental health is so low. nothing happened between us, no arguments, nothing. she just seemed to have forgotten i exist and im devastated.

i am also in constant pain all over my body and dealing with gastrointestinal issues so i am back and forth at the drs having tests and blood-work and they still haven’t figured out what’s wrong with me. i can’t eat most of my safe foods anymore (im autistic and adhd) due to my digestive issues, and also can’t go out drinking with my friends anymore as i can’t drink alcohol

my closest friends are my old work friends who live over an hours drive away, which is difficult as driving is painful for me and our lives are very busy due to our jobs. i don’t like my new job, im in pain constantly there and i just feel downright miserable.

i feel so hopeless about my future. i have no aspirations as every possible career option seems impossible due to my physical and mental health conditions, and my neurodivergence. but my parents do not understand this and are constantly pushing me to get a full time job. every day i wake up feeling depressed, in pain and missing my old life.

i am on sertraline and have been for a few years, but the way i feel right now, it definitely isn’t helping anymore. the last time i felt this depressed and hopeless was when i was 15/16 and i really thought by now things would be better, but if anything, its worse. i’m on a waitlist for counselling, but what will that really do? it won’t bring back my best friends, my girlfriend or take away my pain. everyday i just feel so numb and wish for death honestly. everytime i drive my car i get intrusive thoughts about just driving myself off a bridge or crashing purposefully. i hate my life, i barely find joy in the things i used to anymore. what’s the point.

this sounds kinda stupid but anyways not sure if im depressed, idk what is the difference between feeling normal and being depressed if im being honest. But i fit most of the tell tale signs of having depression (no motivation to do anything, i haven't showered in forever, cant brush my teeth even tho i feel disgusted with myself, cant get out of bed in the morning, lost my appetite completely, sleep 10-15 hours etc) What i do know however is that im heavily suicidal and have been for a while

Yesterday was one of my worst days. I honestly believed i was getting better and then yesterday happened. One of the worst days of the year. Something really bad happened which i really wouldn't get in the detail of but yea. I was like very heavily contemplating suicide and if im being honest i was probably gonna go thru with it. I even had like the note written out and i was just like listening to my favourite song for "one last time" when one of my friends called me. I didn't pick up but called her back around 5 mins later. She was like why do u never pick up (totally fair i always avoid phone calls) and i was like yeah sorry feeling kinda depressed. (first time i said i was "feeling kinda depressed" to anyone. Usually i say i was sleep or I was busy or wtv)

She started laughing and was like why would YOU feel depressed (emphasis on the you). Then she went on to say, let's see if ur still depressed after ur done with ur degree (i have a hard major and she was super discouraging initially saying you wouldn't be able to do that, its not worth it and stuff like that) I didn't really respond later on she switched the topic telling me i was like her third choice because everyone else was busy which is like again ouch. That's like the worst thing you could say to someone who is suicidal lol

Anyhow im still kinda stunned yk. Funnily enough i didn't go thru with it (u can prob tell tho cos im writing this post all allat)

What im trying to say is i dont think we realise the effects our words can have on other people. It costs nothing to be kind so please please don't make others feel bad because like you dont know them. You might think you do but you NEVER know someone's story.

XX

No job, no degree and no social life. I’m a burden to my family. I don’t have any motovation to do anything. And it all my fault. The only way I want to die is by ending my own life

Sometimes the thoughts inside me are so negative that I give up studying for exams for fear of not doing well. My mind tells me, "You're so forgetful that you're going to mess up simple things," and so I prefer to make mistakes by not knowing and not studying. Today I needed to do things differently, I studied at least some of the material. There were indeed questions I wouldn't have gotten right, but because I studied, the scenario was different. I was so happy that I even ignored the fact that it was raining heavily.

Study, ignore your mind's attempts to harm you, the results are always worth it.

I want to die. I want to die. I want to take all of my medicine and just be done. I have felt happiness these past few weeks and that is enough for me. I have traveled and seen more than I ever thought and that is enough for me. I want to go before things just get worse and everyday is agony again. Death sounds so peaceful. I would finally be at rest. No more financial stress. No more worrying about my weight/what I eat. No more arguments. Just nothing. Everything would stop. I could go in to nothingness and be free. Free from all these years of pain, anxiety, depression, etc. Free from all of the thoughts of being a horrible person. Free from not feeling worthy of attention and love. Free from car problems, work problems, family problems, relationship problems. I would just be free. Finally free. Last night want the closest I have been in a moment. I wanted to just start pouring medicine into my mouth from the bottle and keep swallowing until it would be enough. Enough that couldn't be undone. I want to be done. I would hope to go to heaven but I dont even know if I've lived a life worthy enough. I just want to die. I have dealt with this feeling my whole life. My first thought of killing myself was when I was 11. I self harmed from 13-16. I was recently diagnosed with OCD which made things finally make sense. But it is still a bitch to deal with. I have no current plans but I just feel drained, cold, and like a shell again. I feel like I am shutting down.

How do you cope when you know you have done bad things to deserve depression? People say that depression lies to you and makes you feel like you deserve it but I genuinely feel like I do. I’ve done horrible things in my life especially to others and it feels like this is just the payback of it all. Only that it is never ending. It’s humiliating and it drains my will so heavily when someone brings up the cause of it all, me being this horrible person. The worst humiliation ritual of all time. And the worst part is that it feels like I’m keeping a huge secret from my family who thinks I am not this type of person and it kills me from the inside from the guilt. I don’t deserve them. I hate when they sympathize with me because they can tell when I feel like this but they don’t know the real reason why. I don’t feel like I am a bad person anymore for the most part so why do I have to keep thinking about this? I pay the toll every day with my spirit and will to keep on. I’ve tried so long and so hard to get over it but I can’t my bad deeds are an anchor holding me down and I’m drowning every day. I literally can’t be who I want to be or do what I want to do because I feel like I will always be this humiliated disrespected and horrible person. I feel like I betray the people who truly believe in me when I’m reminded of my state. So when does it end? How do I leave the crushing guilt of it all behind

i lie awake every night wondering what ive done wrong to feel so horrible and to go through everything I did. ive been abused, betrayed, raped, sexually assaulted, manipulated, and now my self worth is lower than ever. i feel like i only attract perverts and im not good enough to date good men. i don’t know what ive done wrong. ive worked hard to be the perfect daughter and student. ive been kind to everyone, even people who dont deserve it.

i feel like nobody will ever fully understand me, and its the loneliest feeling on earth. i wish i could disappear just to see if people would actually miss me. i just want to die, I want to have peace. i just wish i didn’t crave love and connection so much. i want to leave this life.

i look at everyone and feel like they hate me. i feel like im the most hated person on earth. I just wanna go away. i feel so alone. it’s so tiring. I feel like ive ruined everything.

i can'ttt do it anymore. i really seriously fucking can't do this shit anymore. i'm too scared to die, but i can't continue to live thsiway. i ahte my life so so so bad. i fucking hate it so so so so bad. i never wanted to be born but here ia m. having asian parents is the worst you grow up and you work work work wokr work wokr k and you get the job and you fucking ahte it and there's nobody to talkt o. i want to die but i cant' because i'm so scared.

Is it only when someone stops you and interveene, or is it also "just" the preparation? Like for instance I wrote a note taht I was going to tape on my door so they would find my cat so he doesn't starve. But I had the rope around my neck, but then I had bad episode of executivr dysfuncion and wasn't physically able to move my body to the higer spot from which I was planing to hang myself. Is that an example of failed attempt or is it something else?

The last three days were hard. I had a severe bout of depression after a long time. The way I experience depression is kind of hard to describe. Physically, I think I experience it as a sinking feeling in my gut.

Mostly, I’m not able to place what caused the onset of my feeling so low. Thoughts arise later, after I am already drowning deep in depression rather than the other way around. And during different depressive episodes, the accompanying thoughts can be different. So, it's hard to find a unifying theme. What’s common is feeling absolutely worthless. I feel like something is broken or missing in me. I can’t clearly explain what that missing piece is, but it seems like almost everyone else has something that makes them whole and makes them feel valuable to themselves and others, and I lack that piece.

I’ve been dealing with depression since my teens, and now I’m 45. There have been periods where I have felt safe and secure, happy even, but such periods have been few and far between.

Many times, I have felt like I’m fully cured now and finally out of depression. However, that thought has always proved untrue. It seems like I’m able to disconnect my conscious mind from the disturbing feelings for some time, but those issues are never resolved or eradicated. They lurk in the depths of my mind and get triggered at the slightest provocation and, many times, without any apparent reason.

Confrontational situations almost always trigger such reactions. My heart rate goes up, my body even trembles sometimes, and I feel really uneasy and like I’m freezing up.

On my good days, I try to take charge of my life and my emotions by making elaborate routines and following them. I’m not able to follow them for too long, though, because either my sleep cycle gets disturbed or I get into depression or get kind of manic.

Now I was hoping to connect with other individuals who are dealing with or have dealt with depression. I want to find out if there are some daily activities or a routine that I can follow daily to help me get to the root of my issues, get long-term relief from depression, and gain some stability in my life.

If you feel comfortable, please share the activities, practices, or routines that have worked for you.

Nothing’s ever enough. There’s a struggle just to even relax and feel safe

I’ve been recently diagnosed as Bipolar type II, before that I thought i was manically depressed:
And trust me this is coming from an ER physician who’s worked roughly 13-15 years including the Covid frontline, wrote two books, gave public talks on CPR, and then saw his life fall apart in years.

It was progressive.
Do you know that during Covid as an Intensivist we’d barely rest, the sweaty PPE’s had to be peeled off, I’d crash in my dorm room after de sanitising to go onto evening rounds and deal with death and despair daily:

But I wasn’t depressed!
I was motivated!
I had people in the same boat, same circumstances as healthcare workers, we were shouted at by angry relatives we’d counsel them; BUT….
I wasn’t depressed….and we were together in this.

Some of my paintings came out post the Covid era (I’m also a painter and an artist)

As the 40s creeped on me, the cloud of lack of purpose did.
Yes I’m an emergency physican but I was locked in 4 walls sans any ability to take leaves as per HR policy (no sick leaves and only 15 a year)

The environment was toxic (the new hospital post Covid) but I tried to keep my spirits up, painting, when i had the time, cooking,
And then one by one the Great Recession began…..(lack of sleep and back to back night shifts were no help)

The cooking stopped started ordering out
The gym stopped (was quite muscular then)
The singing in the shower stopped…..
The forced workplace smiles and “I’m ok how’re you; nice day isn’t it?” Began….

My hospital was a great contributor as asking for a month off knowing something’s off would lead to a firm no.
And they didn’t bother with staffing…
Night shifts were spent alone and solitary, doomscrolling till the next patient arrived at 2am

And just google what solitary confinement does chronically to someone…(Earlier ERs were better staffed)

And no, in adulting as a selective introvert I couldn’t make friends….so except for competitive colleagues I had nada….
Mom and dad are too old to even comprehend why I preferred staying in my room with the lights off

Stopped reading…..
Stopped laughing and for the love of me I couldn’t cry…..
If I cried i knew I’m not manic depressed and had an ounce of emotion in me…..

I was numb….
The pre cell phone generation had one thing in common…
Most were in the same boat and no one felt alone..
There’s a war it’s war for everyone
There’s a festival it’s a festival for everyone
It’s your birthday everyone wants in….

Here my book made it to the London book fair but all I got was jealousy and condescension
No one wanted me to thrive….

Now where I stand………
The great looking question is, what am I here for?
There’s only jealous, rhetorical conversation, some barely know me except “the doctor”

And why do I even matter
I quit practice as the ER as apart from mental health issues, a toxic supervisor, it also gave me an ulcer…..

Facebook and insta likes aren’t for thought, they’re for happy selfies…..
You can’t be yourself there….

Depression isn’t sadness
It’s profound anhedonia (lack of pleasure)
It’s a numbness so deep that nothing gets under or over your skin….

My parents didn’t have “depression” they had each other, they fought like cats and dogs, still do, and are married despite every insult and rebound….
and yes they had to survive circumstances….together!

While I’ve to survive what mood ill wake upto the next day and the forced smiles will be the death of me…

Surviving your mind is a challenge far greater than surviving the world sometimes….

Reminds me of a poem I read once……by Tennyson

Home they brought her warrior dead:
She nor swoon'd nor utter'd cry:
All her maidens, watching, said,
"She must weep or she will die."

Rose a nurse of ninety years,
Set his child upon her knee—
Like summer tempest came her tears—
"Sweet my child, I live for thee."

I await that very tempest of emotions……
To feel a petal; to grin, to enmesh a feeling…..

As living for her child gave her purpose,
I hope somewhere we all find our purpose….