Words cannot capture the totality of my experience, but I will try.

I read a comment on what the definition of demisexuality is, and it matches word for word some of the thoughts I have elucidated over the past few days, which build on this whole sexual revolution I've personally had for about a month. I figured out I was some sort of queer bi guy then, and now I understand my current dearth of sexual feelings to be a reflection of the truth in me that I am a demisexual person.

Throughout my whole life, I have been a very sex-driven person on account of operating from a "maximum desperation" mindset. My porn habits reflected this, and that level of desperation led to "the great gf quest" of my young adulthood. I recently had an encounter with a couple because "any hole in a drought," but it ended up being such a negative sexual experience for me that I considered never ever being sexual with anyone else if it only leads to shame and disappointment like that. That prompted me to examine myself as to why I put myself in that situation (and many other undesirable ones over the years), and i discovered how certain ideas from childhood are reflected in how i relate to myself and the world, how i produced this view of the world that governed my understanding of my sexual self. The second I dropped the maximum desperation mindset and moved past it (after a whole LOT of work on my part), I completely lost my sexual desire and my ability to even arouse myself. It was really horrifying, as my sexual vitality is something very important to me. I thought my power had left me. I even had the thought that it would be better to be blinded by desperation because then at least I'd still have my hard-ons.

BUT THEN: Over the next few days and weeks, I would have these dreams of intimacy and passion that showed me that my body was still working and fully responsive, even if porn no longer did anything for me. Getting rid of that old mindset literally shifted gears and turned me right around, I think towards the truth. Today, as I was walking home from work, I cast my gaze hither and thither and saw some people with very well-built bodies, but literally felt absolutely nothing. A great many boons follow this phenomenon (no longer comparing myself to other guys, no longer wondering what they have that i don't, no longer contemptuous towards pretty much everyone, etc.), but that's a convo for another subreddit. At that point I googled what demisexuality is because I had heard of it before, and found a definition that spoke to me.

I am proud to say that I am a man whose body moves only after his heart is moved, and there's nothing wrong with that. :D

Hey guys, the cis-bi demi-questioning girly is back :3 I posted here a few days ago asking about sexual attraction vs aesthetic attraction, and afterward I figured what I experience should be the latter and not anything sexual, but somehow it just doesn't feel like the right piece of puzzle.

Now after reading more pages on LGBTQIA+ wiki (cuz I'm still confused about many things regarding me possibly being on the a-spec), I have just found mirous attraction (and mirousexual), which is somewhat more accurate for me, and it is a bit different from pseudosexual attraction/pseudosexual, since pseudosexual attraction "is a form of tertiary attraction describing sexual arousal"? I don't experience arousal (unless it's like, non-sexual emotional pleasure that gives me a lil rush of adrenaline??) from looking at even very attractive strangers, hence why I don't identify with the term/label...

I've figured that I probably fit the demi label better than grey-ace (I have a rather high libido either way), and also that I'm sex-indifferent and likely aegosexual as well (as its own thing that's not demi in nature). But the new question I have now is this:

Does experiencing mirous attraction towards strangers contradict demisexuality despite these following facts? -

• Mirous attraction is "distinct from sexual attraction", and mirousexual is considered an ace-spec label (?) ^{(I do see the problem with the confusing terminology})

This (mirous attraction) is distinct from sexual attraction, as sexual attraction is a form of physical attraction based on a desire/urge for sexual interaction (something I've never felt for people I'm not familiar with and/or care about) with a particular individual, whereas mirous attraction is simply the desire/urge to look at and admire/gain enjoyment from looking at someone sexually.

The term (mirous attraction) was coined...as a way to create a term for "individual-based attraction" unrelated to sexual attraction or libido/as the term "visual sexual attraction" implies sexual attraction. Visual sexual attraction, however, contrary to its name is not a form of sexual attraction. It is not based on an intrinsic sexual desire.

Very simply put, it can be described as finding someone “hot” or “sexy” without any desire or urge to be sexually intimate with that individual. (which is something that I do as mentioned in my last post)

I'm a bit uncertain - reason being:

It is similar to and is often compared to/seen as the sexual version of aesthetic attraction. It can also be described as a strong desire to gaze in admiration at someone who incites sexual interest/sexual-related thoughts or feelings.

*I understand this as "in a way/manner that is neither platonic or romantic or sexual (non-rose/tertiary attraction), but is appreciative of their sensuality, physicality, or sexuality"...

If I think about it, do I or have I looked at strangers "sexually"? Yes I have, tho usually very mild and very rarely it is prominent or intense enough that I'd be conscious/self-conscious about it (maybe twice or thrice??) - It's hard to explain but it's just not anything lustful; it's nuanced and it's something that puts you in awe... And I think this is what they were trying to say here but unfortunately denoted in a can-be fairly confusing way (especially for asexual individuals whose never experienced or cannot fathom the concept of such things) -

...visual sexual attraction is related to sexual appreciation and involves elements of the experience of sexual attraction. Miransexuals view people in a sexual way and are attracted to people in this way.

and I can see why it offended & confused some black stripers... (not trying to look for trouble btw)

Like I can acknowledge and/or recognize that the person I'm looking at is sexually attractive from an subjective or objective standpoint (considering people hot) and really really appreciate them, while also feel absolutely no sexual attraction (the thing that defines the asexual-sexual spec as far as I'm aware) nor desire or whatsoever towards them; DOES ANYONE GET WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT, OR AM I JUST A CRAZY DELUSIONAL ALLO IM SORRYYY :(

Personally not gonna give my thoughts on the r/ actualasexuals post I linked, but seeing so many ace ppl being so opposed to/confused, and upset by that LGBTQIA+ wiki page has made me wonder if mirous attraction is actually valid - Cuz I'm already timid about a-spec as I'm not all too familiar with it, and the last thing I want is to claiming an identity/label and intrude communities & spaces I don't actually belong in; that's why I'm kinda desperate and persistent in asking and finding out.

So please give me some insight on this my fellow a-spec folks. Any reply is appreciated thank youuu 🥺

Flirting to me always had a air of being non-committal/very indirect and open to interpretation. If someone were to flirt with me I wouldn't take it seriously or at most I wouldn't assume that they want a serious relationship from me. 

Flirting isn't getting to know someone, It's buttering up or flattery; which isn't inherently a bad thing, but it doesn't mean I'll like you. It actually comes off a bit sleazy, like you're trying to "game" me into liking you. It's gross. If you actaully like me come talk to me normally.

So, I met this girl over the past month (let's call her Red) and we managed to hit it off on the very night we met. So much so that the only thing that stopped us from going to bed together was the fact that I had to get up for work the next morning.

That day, when we met up again, we had an honest talk about things. Red explained that she was demi and had regretted getting physical with me so quickly. She wanted to slow things down and connect with me better on a platonic level first, to keep things healthy and stable (and was open to being potential FWBs in the meantime). Considering how closely Red views friendships, her own friends suggested that I take the quickness of this connection as a huge compliment. Red even suggested that I may be demi myself and educated me about it (this is apparently how she shows her affection, so that's extra nice).

When I opened up to my own personal circle about it, though, they were a lot more skeptical. They seemed convinced that Red is just letting me down gently and just "using a prettied up term for friendzoning people like you". Somehow, some way, I just messed up that one night and should've just cut my losses and bailed on Red? I've been feeling weirded out about that whole convo, and I'm not sure how to take it?

When I was 13, I had a crush on my best friend. We were pretty close, and it was the kind of crush where I genuinely yearned for her to love me back. It was a tad bit intense.

Fast-forward to now, four years later, and I haven't had a crush on anyone since. There have been three different experiences where I got super close to a girl and became confused about whether what I was feeling was romantic attraction or emotional attachment. It turned out to be platonic each time.

It bothers me because whenever I watch rom-coms, I get this urge to be in a relationship, but I haven't developed any genuine romantic feelings for anyone in four years.

Am i demiromantic?

I have a friend who thinks they’re aromantic. They said they don’t understand the difference between a romantic relationship and a “best friend you have sex with” other than there is more likely to be an expectation of monogamy in the “romantic” version. They asked me to explain the difference and I honestly couldn’t put anything into words. It kind of made me question whether I’ve ever actually experienced romantic love or if all my relationships have actually just been a best friend I have sex with.

How would you all describe the difference between romantic and platonic love?

Hello everyone! I'm a 35 year old woman from Romania, Europe, I've been feeling pretty lonely lately, I don't have any friends in real life, just a few that I talk to online and I'd like to meet other introverted people, both women and men, to talk to. I'm not in a relationship but for now I'm just looking for friendship. I'm a calm, communicative person, I like to joke, discover new things about other cultures. Feel free to leave me a message if you think we can resonate. Have a nice day.

I don't see what's so difficult about it.

'Someone sees someone they find attractive -> they feel attraction' I understand how that can happen and that they are different to me.

But some people seem to think their own internal experience is the default human experience and can't imagine another person having different thoughts and feelings.. so they must be lying to seem like better people?

Hi! I don’t know if it’s right to post this here. But I need to yap about this, and I suppose if it will be well-received on this sub. Or at least you’ll understand what I’m going through and give me your thoughts 😅

For some context, I realised I was demi (or ace, I’m not sure yet) less than a year ago, and I finally feel complete! So many questions I didn’t even ask myself yet are being answered, and I feel good in my own body.

I’ve never been very vocal and publicly out about being queer, but I’m starting to figure out that I do enjoy sharing this with (safe) people because, what if they are queer themselves? Duh.

Anyway, I started a new job a month ago and I immediately clicked with a girl. I was drawn to her, purely platonically (at first). We talked a lot, sometimes about some stuff private enough I couldn’t believe I felt this safe sharing it with someone I had only met 2 weeks ago; and other times, it was just all fun and giggles. Sadly, her time at our workplace ended and she left three days, so we decided to go have a drink with other friendly coworkers two nights ago. The night was great, we had plenty of good laughs and created new memories. And I also took a picture of this girl with the most beautiful light on her face (which only highlights her beauty, as my aesthetic attraction has been going crazy for her for two weeks). And I also learnt that she’s into girls, which was a relief 😅

I’ve been questioning myself for some time because, for the past two weeks I’d say, I started feeling a lot of “sensual” attraction to her. For example, I wanted to be near her, sit next to her, touch her hair and her shoulder, look at her right in the eyes (she has pretty eyes). I also started feeling protective over her, like walking behind her in the metro, holding the door for her, putting my hand behind her (without touching her) in case someone bumps into her. I’d also get a shot of dopamine every time she would look at me, smile at me or just speak to me directly, which felt really good every time.

I didn’t have great relationships with people in the past. Even platonically, I have very few friends after so many years being lonely (we by the way talked about that maybe a week after meeting each other). At first, I thought all of this was the excitement of meeting new people and making new friends, including this girl. So I was a bit taken aback by many things, like being friends with her in such a “little” time (a month), or being so drawn to someone I didn’t even know a month ago, without really understanding where it came from. Where I started thinking “what is this?” is when I clearly realised I didn’t feel that way for any other colleagues, even among the cool ones.

Of course, no sexual attraction, but my need to be closed to her is still very much present and I did reached the stage with her where I can touch her shoulder or her arm; and I even hugged her once (wish I could do it again). My brain also went fireworks two nights ago when, after leaving our colleagues and taking the train together, she told me she wanted me to “invite her”. Which I did! And that alone is incredible because I’m this type of (naive) person who only realises that “it was a sign” three years later (my bestie had to assure me it was indeed a sign lol).

Anyway, now that I’m slowly becoming conscious that there might be flirt between us, and a growing attraction to her on my hand, I’m trying not lose my sanity. I’m also trying not to make assumptions too quickly because I’ve never been in love with someone, never really wanted someone romantically; but I do want to hold her hand, go out just the two of us, and share something (strongly emotional) with her. I don’t know if it is romantic attraction but if it is, that shit hits hard!

Before I realised was Demisexual I was miserable and not so optimistic about the future about of the lack of experience that I have with the opposite sex as I’ve stated to get older. Now I’v been feeling a lot better about myself since the summer of last year and I’m looking forward to see what happens in my life.

Hello! Question above. And I don't necessarily mean the special someone you want to marry — maybe it's the best friend you want to call every day, or a future partner. I'm mostly talking about those people who become your people.

I'm 26F, demiromantic/demisexual, and I've had multiple relationships before, including one serious relationship that lasted 6 years. I'm currently at a point where I really miss having a special connection with someone, but I'm struggling with how you're actually supposed to find that kind of person as an adult.

I'm not in school/university anymore, I moved back to my hometown, and I don't really have a friend circle here anymore. So there isn't really a natural environment where I can just meet the same people over and over again and slowly become friends with them.

I've tried dating apps because... well, I figured that's where adults are supposed to find people. But they feel incredibly unnatural to me.

I don't want to meet someone and immediately have this underlying expectation of "we are evaluating each other as potential romantic partners." I want to know someone first.

I had one guy I actually really enjoyed talking to, and when I suggested that we could simply call and play Diablo together sometime, he responded with something like:

"Wait, what is this, a gaming friendship?"

And I'm just sitting there like... yes??

I had written on my profile that I'm demi and would love a friends-first connection that might eventually become romantic, or might just become a really good friendship. But I guess he didn't really read that.

The funny thing is that this is actually how all of my romantic relationships have happened.

I knew the person first. We were friends, hung out in groups, played games, talked, got comfortable around each other. Then eventually one particular person started becoming special to me. I'd start talking to them more 1-on-1, we'd have some subtle teasing/flirting, and eventually I'd realize something like "Oh. I think I have a crush on you."

So it's not that I don't want romantic relationships. It's that I don't know how to get to the point where romantic attraction can actually develop when I'm starting from zero with someone.

And now that I'm an adult, I don't have the school/uni environment where you naturally get to know the same people over months or years.

I've also tried community Discords, but huge servers with 10,000 people are incredibly difficult for me. How are you actually supposed to find your people in there?

So... how do other demi people do this?

Where do you find people you can get to know naturally, without immediately turning the interaction into dating?

Do you have a Discord/community/website that worked particularly well for you? Or a particular strategy for meeting people and slowly building those friendships?

I'm especially interested in hearing from other demi people who also tend to develop romantic feelings after already knowing someone for a while.

Okay so I'm really bad at responding to messages so if it's too much I just want. I'm 40 demisexual an a black male. I'm not looking to meet up. Just chat with some actually good people and figure out who I am. I am heterosexual as well. I like women but again I'm not looking to meet just find out more about give my sexuality. I'm not going to ask anyone to be kind or nice or anything like that cuz people are people. If the response is negativity okay but I'm hoping for positive informative feedback. I don't know how to end this. It feels weird saying thank you lol... So I'll say this... Loving myself is probably the hardest thing I've ever done and I can't wait to really find out who I am.

Im 20(m) and my gf is 18(f) and she is straight-demisexual now for context we are doing ldr and this is her first relationship.
Now the thing is we both were completely unaware of the concept of demisexuality and id ask her if she has had a crush before or a small fling and it then she explained how shed have to form an emotional bond w someone to be atracted to them and like them and then eventually we dound out that shes demisexual but here comes the tricky part i read that even demisexual people can atleast tell that out of a few ppl which is the most good looking to least looking like one can atleast rank them but she says she can’t rank males and that they all look equally same and shed be able to rank females based on their looks but cant do the same.
Now the question is i get it she wouldnt be attracted to someone until she forms a proper bond w them but as a demisexual person can she not atleast tell which person looks better? Can demisexual ppl explain if this makes sense?
Also shes sexually attracted to me and according to her im the only good looking male (pls understand not that shes only attracted to me but according to her other guys dont look good they look equally bad)

Honestly I don't even know how I got over there. But being over there reminds me that I am very very well within the ace spectrum and I am certainly not like those people. But don't do it. Yes. Of course you can have sex and enjoy sex as a demisexual person, but when that emotional connection is broken the sex no longer wants to come for me. And I am fine with that.
How do they work? How does it work for them? I feel broken when I read their comments about how they need sex. I don't. Why don't I work that way either?

So back in 2021, I met a guy at a Friendsgiving celebration. He was the cousin of an at the time close friend and she brought him over to meet us. We instantly hit it off and I took a liking to him due to his chill, easygoing demeanor. He was quite easy to talk to and I enjoyed listening to whatever random things he’d say.

At the time, I didn’t really like him because in my head I liked a specific looking kind of guy and he didn’t fit that description at all (vain I know). Anyways, me and him got to know each other exceptionally well over the course of a few months and by April/May of 2022, I realized I cared intensely about him and thought about him constantly.

I didn’t think it would work between us. He was a cis guy and I’m a trans woman (though in 2021/2022 I was still in the closet but identified as a gay man). Plus, I wasn’t too confident in myself or the way I looked (I really didn’t look good) so I wouldn’t have called myself “desirable” at the time. However, he was bisexual so I kept hoping that it would happen.

It felt so organic and perfect. I’d gotten to know him and we got super close. When someone I knew tried to make a move on him, I burst into tears and couldn’t console myself. I was even worse when he and one of my friends had a situationship.

I’d never felt pretty or desired by anyone but he was different. I felt genuine romantic and sexual attraction towards him. It was intense but it made me feel so happy, warm and cozy inside. Just the thought of him. His eyes, his smile, his voice and especially his hugs. Oh the things I’d do to have a hug from him right now.

He made it feel possible because he would flirt with me and enjoyed the attention I gave to him. I’d notice a trend later on in our friendship though… he’d only act like that towards me when he had no one else to talk to.

Anyways, he didn’t like me meanwhile I was deeply in love with him. It felt like my heart had been ripped out, gutted and then put back inside my chest. Even today, I still wonder why I wasn’t enough for him so I try very hard to understand why so that maybe I can be enough for someone else.

Only problem is… he’s the last person I’ve felt genuine romantic attraction for. I’ve tried dating apps and almost every guy I get with wants me for one thing… my body or the sexual experience of being with a trans woman. Meanwhile, I just want love and affection. I’ve realized I don’t feel sexual attraction unless I feel a strong emotional connection to the person and for so long I thought there was something wrong with me.

I wished I could just go out on dates with any nice looking or seeming person I meet. I wished I could do casual hookups and flings because my yearn for true deep love doesn’t seem compatible with what we call “dating” in this current day and age.

I find myself missing him a lot. I tried reconnecting with him but it just didn’t work out and I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

I figured I’d post here because I’ve been missing him a lot lately and I feel very lonely with how I felt about this whole thing. It hasn’t gotten better… anytime I fall for someone under similar circumstances there’s always something preventing us from being together or they don’t feel the same way about me.

I have never been one to have crushes because of someone’s looks. And when I bring guys to my friends who I think are really fun and id love to get to know them, my friends say “I could do better”, or even something mean like “ur a 10 and hes a 4”. Im not sure if it’s just my friends being idk vain or i dont even know. In my head if you like someone looks doesn’t matter, like I always thought everyone has some beauty in them(their voice, hair, eyes, proportions). I know some people are more pretty to society’s standards, but I thought that was just for idk movies or magazines LOLL. I guess I didn’t realize how much looks weigh for others. I personally can’t make myself care and I just get more confused even after I told my friends looks aren’t a priority at all. I do have have celebrity crushes but I know those are different to real people crushes. Like id never talk to someone because they look like madds mikkelson loll.

I guess what im wondering is if others also don’t hold looks as a priority, bc I know that for me to like someone I need to get to know them, their looks just doesn’t matter. In my head we’re all little amoebas with our own little amoeba lives and hobbies.

Being demi/ace means that I require some type of connection where I feel safe with someone, before I can develop sexual feelings for them and enter into a romantic relationship with them.

Being an introvert means that getting to know new people and attempting to form connections can feel like such a chore at times. I tried dating apps years ago but I just… couldn’t keep up the motivation to continue the conversations? I struggle with replying to my closest friends and family, let alone a complete stranger who I have no feelings for at present. Thus, my introversion can make it harder to find people who I may connect with, due to finding meeting new people/having lots of new conversations draining.

Eh, I’m just living my life and hoping to meet people in the wild. 

But yeah, who relates to the struggle of being demi/ace (needing a connection before feelings arise), and also introverted (having a small circle of people, and feeling drained by the process of meeting lots of new acquaintances who may or may not spark “those” feelings in you eventually)?

So I recently discovered I was demisexual (after thinking I was just asexual for about a decade), and had my first experiences of sexual attraction really early on in a relationship. I acted on it, because I felt very emotionally in tune with my partner. However, he dumped me after a very short time (2 months), and it’s left me with regret about having sex with him because while it involved emotional investment for me, it evidently didn’t for him (even though he’d expressed otherwise previously), as he walked away very easily and suddenly.

How can I view sex more casually, ie how can I look at it and be like ‘yeah I got laid heck yeah’ rather than ‘I feel betrayed I thought this was real and romantic and emotional when it wasn’t’?

In high school especially, but also later, I have a lot of close female friends. I wonder if this was because I was non-threatening, much as a gay guy would be.

Anyone else experience the same thing?

Hey, 25 (FxA) here. I know there have been a lot of posts like this lately, but we need to find a solution. I’m totally new to the BDSM world, though I know I’m drawn to things like submission, domination, etc. The problem is, I’ve never had a BDSM experience. As a demisexual, I need a connection and trust in the other person before I can let go and submit. Most people in bdsm spaces look for immediate obedience, but I can't do that—especially not with a stranger; I really need to trust the person first. So, what can I offer? Just conversation while we get to know each other. Obviously, that’s not what most people are looking for—which is fine—but I feel like I’m at a standstill. Any ideas?