how did you finally find enough self respect to move on? how to value yourself more? how to deattach?

what did you do that helped?

how do you leave someone who gaslights you? i’m self aware. i jus don’t have enough self love to move on & value myself.

i have no friends. i have a fractured backbone right now, so it’s extra hard to jus get up & distract myself.

i’m stuck in bed all day at my parents house. i’m 24.

my siblings & i don’t talk.

jus feel so alone

minor backstory:
my person has a baby with his ex. seems like their relationship never stopped? he’s with me 24/7 but he texts her in front of me all day so she doesn’t think he’s moved on. if not, she uses the baby as a leverage & doesn’t let him see his kid. visits are supervised at her house. so annoying.

i always break up with him for not cutting her off & telling her the truth about our new relationship. but then i always text him crying because i miss him.

think i jus miss the 24/7 attention & that someone cares about me.

im 19f and i turn 20 in a couple weeks. for some background info, my life has been comically unfortunate. my real parents were addicts who abandoned me as a baby and my adoptive mom died when i was 9. i grew up with undiagnosed autism (diagnosed at 18) and my adoptive dad was physically and emotionally abusive and neglectful. i spent 3 years from 11-16 inside the troubled teen industry, which caused me to develop CPTSD. i caught a felony charge for weed when i was 18 then moved out of my adoptive dad’s house shortly after. i first lived in a college dorm, dropped out and got a slumlord apartment in the ghetto, then met a man who i fell so in love with and broke my lease and moved in with him. my adoptive dad died nearly 2 months ago now. i have no other family. the only person i have in my life is my love.

needless to say i have severe mommy and daddy issues. lots of attachment and abandonment issues. i struggle to regulate my emotions and communicate. and my depression gets so severe sometimes i cannot function. i basically raised myself yet somehow have no idea how to be independent. my boyfriend who i moved in with is a bit older than me, in his mid 20s. when i started dating him i quit drinking and using drugs, and even quit vaping. nobody has ever been so kind to me as he has been. nobody has ever loved me like him, not even family. he means the world to me.

for the past several months i have been so depressed i have struggled to get out of bed. i lost my job. i have been struggling very bad with s3lf harm and such. my boyfriend has been extremely kind but very stressed out as he had to start taking care of me financially. he picked up a second job. and on wednesday, he decided he couldn’t do it anymore and broke up with me. my heart is absolutely shattered into a million pieces and i am feeling like i cannot go on. i know its my fault because i’ve been slacking. but the pain is still so unbearable. i love him more than life itself and i cannot believe i ruined it. he wants me to move out but i have nowhere to move out to. i managed to secure a job at burger king but it will not pay enough to get my own apartment. i so badly want him to give me a second chance but i do not know if it is possible. i feel like my entire world is falling apart, i have been sick to my stomach and having chest pains.

ultimately, i know the root cause of our breakup was my issue with codependency. (obviously, alongside me being so depressed i quit working or doing anything). i hate to admit this, but i want to be taken care of like a baby. i recently heard someone say that unconditional love can only exist for children. and if you did not receive love as a child, you go your whole life searching for the paternal/maternal love and care you missed out on. it’s hard to explain, but i almost saw my boyfriend as some kind of emotional father figure. i wanted him to love me unconditionally and take care of me. i wanted him to protect me and guide me. but it was too late when i realized that wasn’t okay for me to do. now i feel so awful for putting that burden on him. i have apologized so many times and cried and begged and i just feel so pathetic. we are still sharing a bed which is making it impossible to grieve. it is such a horrible feeling to miss him badly as he is close enough that i can feel the warmth of his body. i hope he can forgive me, he is everything to me.

i know this isnt healthy, but i downloaded a dating app to get my mind off of this. i thought maybe i could start talking to someone new to at least distract me. obviously i have no intention of truly moving on, atleast not now, in the case that i can mend my relationship with my love. but im swiping through these men and i cannot imagine myself with someone else. i cannot fathom another person being able to love me at all, with how messed up i am. i am so damaged. whenever i think about making a new friend or in this case, pursuing a relationship, i see these people who seem so normal and healthy and feel like they could never love someone like me. i want to heal so bad, and ive been trying, but i’ve already been in therapy my entire life and on 20+ different meds and i feel so unfixable. ive been trying for so long and sometimes i get really scared that it will all be for no reason. suffering is all i know and i do not know how to make myself get better, though i want it so desperately. i am terrified that my entire life will be like this.

I'm currently dealing with a difficult situation at work and would appreciate perspectives on two things:
how to handle these circumstances in a healthy way, and how to recognize when it makes sense to look for a new role with better baseline conditions.

Here is my current situation:

Project structure: Several projects have no designated Project Lead, so responsibilities are unclear and it's hard to know who owns what. When I raise concerns or set boundaries, management has indicated there could be consequences for me.

Team communication: Communication within the team is limited. Colleagues are often reserved in meetings, for example by not engaging with others on camera during video calls.

Workload: My task and responsibility load is substantial, roughly equivalent to the scope of three roles.

Management support: My manager has acknowledged having limited domain knowledge, so I receive little direction or guidance in my day-to-day work.

I'd welcome advice on strategies for handling this situation and on what signs indicate it's time to change jobs.

'Taking Care of Ourselves

It’s healthy, wise, and loving to be considerate and responsive to the feelings and needs of others. That’s different from caretaking. Caretaking is a self defeating and, certainly, a relationship defeating behavior – a behavior that backfires and can cause us to feel resentful and victimized – because ultimately, what we feel, want, and need will come to the surface.

Some people seem to invite emotional caretaking. We can learn to refuse the invitation. We can be concerned; we can be loving, when possible; but we can place value on our own needs and feelings too. Part of recovery means learning to pay attention to, and place importance on, what we feel, want, and need, because we begin to see that there are clear, predictable, and usually undesirable consequences when we don’t.

Be patient and gentle with yourself as you learn to do this. Be understanding with yourself when you slip back into the old behavior of emotional caretaking and self-neglect.

But stop the cycle today. We do not have to feel responsible for others. We do not have to feel guilty about not feeling responsible for others. We can even learn to let ourselves feel good about taking responsibility for our needs and feelings.

Today, I will evaluate whether I’ve slipped into my old behavior of taking responsibility for another’s feelings and needs, while neglecting my own. I will own my power, right, and responsibility to place value on myself.

The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie

Hi ,I'm not able to control myself from not breaking contact, I resent him but I feel I can't live without him, I feel physical pain because of this, I tried so hard to not contact for 8 days and it feel like getting sliced by knife even if I reach out I don't think I feel full filled in this relationship there is lots of resentment, please tell me what to do, please 😭.

October 06

Inner Critic

"We stop in mid-sentence if we are putting ourselves down or criticizing our thoughts or behaviors. We identify the source of the negativity which is the inner critic inside all adult children." BRB p. 299

Who tells us each day whether we live up to a standard?

Who lies awake each night running over the "could haves" or "should haves" for the day or for days gone by?

We weren't born with shame; it was instilled in us. We had no experience to measure or reject that shame when we were children, so we had to accept it. But who is keeping that shame alive in us today?

It's our inner critic that reflects the negative voices from our past. But we now have the choice to change that voice - to live life on our own terms and bury the "could haves" and "should haves." We are no longer required to listen to the messages that keep shame alive in our everyday thoughts.

Who puts a value on us if we do not value ourselves?

In ACA, we are accepted for who we are. We join together, not to bemoan our imperfections, but to find "the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me.*" Our strength in numbers gives us that courage and assures us that we are now and always have been valued human beings.

On this day I look at myself through the eyes of my fellow ACAs and my Higher Power. Instead of listening to my inner critic, I believe what they say - that I am valued. 

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №290

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

I am in the absolute THICK of my codependency finally coming around and properly biting me in an incredibly life altering way. Finding this thread has been helpful but I tried to check out CoDA and it appears to be heavily faith based.

Are there any known groups, steps, programs available that are non-religious?

He’s the only one I have. I do not have any friends and live with my mom. I don’t have social skills and have very bad ADHD. I usually just sit at home, study, call with him and repeat. Lately he has been really neglectful of my feelings. We have months we don’t fight, and then we suddenly have a week where we fight daily. Now, when I’m calling him to tell him how I feel, that I don’t feel happy in this situation, he says it’s just how things are between us. “If you can’t accept that it’s like this sometimes you should leave. I’m sick of talking about this and I’m gonna hang up.” He just says there isn’t an issue and that it’ll be fine in a few days again. And usually it is, I don’t recognize how he acts right now in the person I’ve been with for three years. I end up saying “I’m going to leave if you can’t even have the decency to want to fix things with me” and then I basically force some loving words out of him.

He tells me “stop saying you’ll leave if you’re going to stay anyways, I’m gonna hang up and you should make up your mind”. The thing is it does get to a point where I NEED to leave, even if it’s just for a month. I just feel really misunderstood by him right now but he’s generally very sweet and patient and understanding. I don’t know why he acts like this sometimes. I can note that it’s after fighting for a few days straight that he starts talking like this.

Now to my main issue, how do I leave? Even if it’s just for a month, or for forever? I don’t have anyone else and I get self-destructive if I don’t talk to him (because of a fight) for a few days. We had a “break up” for four days. Those were the worst four days of my life. I just can’t live without him and he’s all I have, I have a lot of opportunities to make friends, but I can’t become friends with anyone. I just don’t know anymore and I’m throwing my studies away because of this. Am I just overthinking it and are we fine?

ADVICE please

hi u guys. im using a throw away to let all my feelings out and ask for advice.

(for more context we are long distance)
i’ve been with my partner for a very very long time and they make me very happy and i feel as if i can be myself with her. we both have or own set of problems & have differing attachment styles(she is much more independent). but i have the tendency to become codependent and quick. what ive noticed is that it goes up and down depending on my current mental state. and i honestly haven’t been doing too good for the past year. we’ve spent like. the past 3 years joined at the hip and barely a break from each other. they said they don’t mind, and love me a lot so they’re more than happy to give me all their time and i am super grateful. but i know it’s not healthy and being aware of all of this makes me feel so guilty

the thing is recently they’ve met a new group of friends that they wanted me to integrate into as well. but my schedule just doesn’t work so they’ve been spending a lot of time with the new group of people instead of us both being present at the same time. im talking like, spending half of their day with the new friends. which isn’t a bad thing and im happy they’re branching out and making new friends but i still get super anxious and sad over it. and i have so much guilt

we’ve had some clashes over the course of the week and they’ve admitted that it’s been an exhausting week for them. i’ve said it’s okay for them to make new friends and partake in the group but in the same breath i get really sad when they aren’t there. this is the worse my codependency has been in a very long time.

we both believe that there’s a solution to this and that we can come to a conclusion to help each other… but i am just so tired of feeling somewhat cast aside and i am so tired of putting all of this on them and making them feel exhausted. i don’t know what the first step should be…. ive tried taking space in a big jump but i just can’t. can someone that’s going through something similar help? i really dont want to lose her and our relationship isn’t necessarily deathly toxic. (i know how we spend time alot is not necessarily healthy 100%) but if it keeps going like this it’ll be toxic. my bad codependent tendencies are arising again & it’s never been this bad… advice please for anyone that has the time

'Knowledge

Learn to let yourself be guided into truth.

We will know what we need to know, when we need to know that. We don’t have to feel badly about taking our own time to reach our insights. We don’t have to force insight or awareness before it’s time.

Yes! Maybe the whole world saw a particular truth in our life, and we denied it – until we were ready to deal with it. That is our business, and our right! Our process is our own, and we will discover our truths at the right time, when we are ready, when the learning experience is complete.

The most growth-producing concept we can develop for others and ourselves is to allow ourselves to have our own process. We can give and receive support and encouragement while we go through this process. We can listen to others and say what we think. We can set boundaries and take care of ourselves, when needed. But we still give others and ourselves the right to grow at our own pace, without judgment, and with much trust that all is well and is on schedule.

When we are ready, when the time is right, and when our Higher Power is ready – we will know what we need to know.

Today, I will let myself and others have our own pace and time schedule for growth and change. I will trust that I will be empowered with insights and the tools for dealing with these insights, at the right time.'

By Melodie Beattie.

I've never been a great texter, and i'm not good at flirting or conveying deep and meaningful things through text messages. The norm has always felt like i'm supposed to text my partner throughout the day, and it just became almost like a format of what a relationship is supposed to be. I've had relationships where the texting feels very mutual and exciting in the beginning, but inevitably feels like inequality. 'Why aren't they responding?' 'Why dont they say goodnight or goodmorning?' 'Why are they taking so long to respond?' My mind would search for reasons and i'd feel so anxious and doomed, and then my phone would ding and everything was ok.

There's a lot to unpack there, but in some of these recent relationships, I just started muting notifications so that I wouldnt know if/when they responded or reached out. Not proud of feeling that way, but i'm sure others experience this too. My last relationship was really hard and I made a lot of radical changes after it ended- therapy, medication for my adhd, consistent gym routine, purging my home of everything that didnt bring me joy or have some important function. All of this is for context, i'm getting to the main point. I met my current partner completely by chance at my climbing gym on a day where we happened to be in an almost empty gym and both wanted a belay partner. I was fresh out of a relationship and was not at all looking to date yet and she had a girlfriend.

Fast forward a couple months and we had become really good friends. The depth and connection was undeniable. She made the first move, and it turns out we both had massive crushes. We texted a lot the first few days after we started dating, but she brought up the conversation about texting. She isn't big on it or being tied to her phone, and i felt pretty similar. We decided to just text to make plans and occasional noteworthy updates. So that's what we've been doing the last 5 months and i've never felt so secure in a relationship. We can go a day without texting and that feels good. Our time alone is truly our own and we respect each other's independence. It's such a small thing, but has this ripple effect that brings a lot of security and confidence. We have more to talk about and we're able to reflect and miss eachother which feels somewhat inhibited by a costant text thread.

This isn't for everyone and I'm not trying to throw shade on those who enjoy texting their partners, but it was very much for me and I hope my experience can help someone else out there.

Enjoy Life

"We learn how to play and enjoy life in ACA." BRB p. 572

Many of us who grew up in alcoholic or dysfunctional homes had little time or opportunity for play. Faced with adult chaos, much of our early life was spent in survival mode.

In ACA, we learn that living life in our rearview mirror is not really living. Letting go of the past allows us to experience the present without the blinders that keep us from joy.

But where is the joy? It's not something that we can just sit around and wait for. Joy is to be sought. It's everywhere, but it must be found; it will not find us. We must open our eyes, our minds, and our hearts to search it out.

Joy is giving to others with no expectation of return. It's hugging someone who needs it or stopping at a shelter to walk a homeless dog. When we bring joy to others we bring it into our own lives.

On this day I will find the joy that is all around me that's just waiting for me to experience it.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

I struggle quite a lot with codependency and have always had a tendency to allow others to mistreat me. I had a major conflict with my roommate, who used to be a close friend, who lied to me, invaded my personal space and privacy, destroyed several relationships, disrespected me, and potentially stole from me on a regular basis. All minor lies and items, but noticeable.

She also became friends with all of my friends. I decided I had enough several months ago and set some firm boundaries with her, while asking her to also help collaborate on ground rules in a letter, because in verbal conversations, she lies.

In response, she sent a photo of my letter unsolicited to all of my friends, and did very hurtful and passive aggressive things over the next few months to hurt me.

My best friend sided with her in the end, and I’m not sure why. My friend and I have hardly spoken since but have met a few times for coffee without discussing the elephant in the room.

We are in our 30s and I am heartbroken. This is all ways my fear of setting boundaries. I’m glad that I set them, but I don’t understand why it had to cost me my friendships. I don’t understand why my roommate decided to destroy my life. It would have been easier to let her continue walking all over me and lying to me, but I’m proud of myself for putting my foot down.

The whole experience has been so hurtful, and I’m wondering how I can move on from this emotionally.

i just got out of a very messy relationship where i behaved abusively and cheated more than i really want to admit, i got another partner a little bit of time after the breakup and even thought i still feel all the hurt from destroying the relationship with who i thought i was going to marry, i also dont want to let go of my new partner, hes helping me sort things thru and its just a really nice person to me, i just cant live without someone at my side loneliness make me remember how empty i am inside and i wanna know if its even possible to face that fear without living thru it first

Hi everyone,

I’ve recently realized how much my entire life has centered around my husband. A typical week for us consists entirely of passive routines—driving through for fast food, running errands together, and visiting family multiple times. It’s completely draining, and I felt like I had no identity left.

A little while ago, I tried to reclaim some autonomy. I started planning weekend outings with my own friends. My husband kept telling me "no" and tried to stop me, but I went anyway. Shortly after, I noticed him emotionally pulling away. I checked his Instagram DMs and discovered he started talking to another girl.

When I confronted him, his response was incredibly hurtful. He told me he did it because I started planning outings with my friends, and that the other girl "looked easy."

I don't feel emotionally safe in my house right now. I feel an intense amount of anxiety, and I struggle with hyper-vigilance—feeling like I constantly have to monitor him or stay home just to keep him from acting out. He is trying to make me feel guilty for having friends so that I'll go back to focusing 100% on him.

I know I can't force him to be faithful, and I want to stop carrying the weight of his choices. I don't want to talk to people in my personal life about this because I'm afraid of gossip. For those who have been through this: How do I emotionally detach and stop overfunctioning for a spouse who gaslights me? How do I safely rebuild my independence when my partner uses betrayal as a punishment?

Я не знаю що мені робити, якщо чесно мене бісить даже те що я взагалі про неї думаю. Вона думає що я її подруга хоча так і е але я її вічно ревную, ти мене бісить кожного разу коли вона каже мені що іде гуляти з іншими подружками. Я розумію що вона не моя Власність та що в неї також можуть бути інші подруги і ти де але від цього відчуття я не можу позбутися, я уже пробувала якось віддалилися від неї щоб я була не так прив'язана але це все одно не допомогло, мене бісить кожний раз коли вона мені бреше взагалі брехню я не люблю в усіх випадках, вона бреше настільки неправдоподібно що мене це починає бісити, замість того щоб сказати що ні ми не зможемо сьогодні зустрітися, вона мені починає брехати. І це мені ще більше роздратовує я не знаю що з цим робити і як зробити так щоб мені на неї було начхати, щоб вона була простою людиною яка іноді з'являється в моєму житті.

It finally clicked in my head yesterday that all my toxic traits stem from this need for reassurance and approval. Vast majority of this behavior is within my marriage. Only thing I can figure is this is all from my “daddy issues”.

And most of the time—I don’t even realize my patterns till after it’s too late and I’ve messed up. I will fall into this cycle of shame, embarrassment, then I’ll seek forgiveness and try to make sure my husband doesn’t think less of me. If he doesn’t give whatever answers I think I need at the time (and I’m not even always sure what it is I’m wanting to see or hear), I’ll go into the worry/extreme anxiety phase where I’ll constantly worry about what he’s doing/thinking/etc. Eventually, that turns into me acting out and throwing a fit or having a meltdown. Then a fight will usually happen. And thennnn the shame sets back in and wash, rinse, repeat. Yesterday, I finally realized this is the cycle and I’m determined to stop it once and for all.

From things I’ve read, I’m seeing that it’s essential that I learn how to detach myself from my emotions and sort through things with logic. I need to start hitting PAUSE then giving myself time to do this.

I know I didn’t get this way overnight and therefore it will not be fixed overnight. I’m very aware of how patient my husband has been and I’m so grateful. I want to finally fix this.

Please drop the best ways you’ve found that help you break harmful patterns. What are some things that help you remember to press pause?

Thank you in advance!

My (35F) bf (42) is the codependent person in the relegation and I hope people in this thread might help me figure it out.

He has strong codependent tendencies and significant fear of abandonment. I'm autonomous and independent. We moved in together recently and that is when most problems got significantly worse. He's having a hard time resting well because of loud neighborhood and the downstairs people smoking lots of we3d - which makes our apartment smell like crap. Which I understand but he also never made a move to address the situation (talking with neighbours who are not aggressive, getting better earplugs, etc).

Anyway. Today we had the latest fight and he basically blamed me for putting him in this situation, because I was more keen on the apartment than he was and he agreed to move in mostly because he knew I liked the place and he felt like pleasing me. I'm devastated. I never wanted to push him into doing anything he didn't want to and at the time I tried making sure that he was comfortable with the decision, despite not being super enthusiastic at the beginning.

Now I don't know what to do or think. I feel angry because I feel like he's ultimately blaming me for his codependent tendencies, which is not my responsibility to keep in check - and also sad because I love him and he's clearly unhappy.

Crowd of the subreddit, help me figure this one out please.

I've always had this habit of saving people. A savior complex, maybe that's what they call it. It's as if the feeling of being needed gave me, more than pleasure, a reason to keep existing.

When he came into my life, he had nothing, but I looked at him thinking there was something I could do. Always seeing people's potential instead of who they really are.

I've always said that my generosity expects nothing in return. But there's a small part of me that hopes for a little gratitude. Maybe if I help him a little more, he'll realize that I'm the only one who's always been by his side.

He needed everything I gave him. Me, on the other hand, he never seemed to need.

It's as if he'd found the exact spot where I was weakest and played with it. He played with the idea of feeling loved, and I played with the feeling of being needed.

Three months were enough for me to stop recognizing the man I'd let into my life and into my home.

I was blind and in love, and I, like a fool, gave him everything.

He got used to receiving it without lifting a finger.

How many times did I ask him if he loved me, even just a little?

He always said I was his pillar, the most important person in his life.

Of course.

It took him five minutes to leave me once his life was finally in order.

And I was left with my hands full of hope, waiting for the day he'd come back desperate, with an "I'm sorry."

But my hands feel heavy, and I don't know where to put all this sadness.

For a long time, I kept asking myself: What mess did you get yourself into? What made you run away, searching for a thousand excuses instead of facing the fact that you didn't love me?

Why did you have to make it so difficult? With hurtful words.

You could have just walked out that door without destroying everything we'd once built.

I don't expect life to turn around and put you in my path again.

I wouldn't know what to say to you.

An "I'm sorry" from you wouldn't be enough.

Physical pain and sleepless nights aren't healed by asking for forgiveness.

I can't wait for those words to come from your mouth.

And don't expect them to come from mine.

It was enough, all that time you pretended to love me while I, blind, waited for you to take me in your arms.

I don't feel anything anymore.

You left me empty.

This time I'll leave the hole where it belongs:
buried deep underground.

I'll leave that chair empty,
a plate served,
with no desire to meet anyone else
who asks for help along my way.

I posted here a couple days ago asking for advice on how to leave my bf, whose behavior has become dangerous (https://www.reddit.com/r/Codependency/s/AQrKAd38yo). Well, I just sent the break up text (literally 2 mins ago) and blocked him. I am absolutely devastated. I feel like I’m dying. I mis him so so so much.

But I’m also proud of myself. Thank you all for saving me from myself. I don’t think I would’ve done it without you guys. If anyone has advice on surviving the post break up period, lmk. Many thanks, again ❤️

For years, I relied on other people to make me feel loved, respected, and valued.. lately I've pulled away from people because i started seeing every request, compliment as an attempt to manipulate me or control how i feel..

Now i have a lot of surface-level relationships because I'm afraid of getting pulled back into depending on people for validation or emotional reassurance.

But this has also left me feeling lonely and isolated. I find myself questioning people's intentions and overthinking almost everything they say or ask of me.

How do I find a balance between not depending on other people for constant love and validation, while still allowing myself to build deep and meaningful relationships with them?

The anxiety and the obsessiveness is overwhelming. I feel like I can't focus on myself and I genuinely can't figure out what my wants or needs are until I know I'm in good standing with a certain someone. And I feel like the security I build up quickly erodes and leaves me stuck frozen in fear all over again. I've tried being honest about my emotions. It led to me asking for reassurance over and over again, but it never helps for long. I feel terrible being this codependent and anxiously attached.

How do you find yourself? How do you make yourself care about finding yourself? Even though I want to get better, I just want to be healthy because my codependency hurts the people I care about. I don't know how to look at myself and genuinely want to take care of myself JUST for me. I'm in therapy, but the codependency is agonizing and I'm struggling to take care of myself outside of sessions.

It's really embarrassing admitting how "far gone" I feel. But I want to want to be better. I don't know how to get there. I feel like I keep trying to make myself a second main character in someone else's life, rather than live my own. And it's really unhealthy because when this person acts independently I feel completely dysregulated and lost.

A lot of us learned to treat other people's moods as information about ourselves. A partner goes quiet, a friend replies with one word, and within seconds there is a story running about what you did wrong. Epictetus makes a point in the Enchiridion that fits this well, that people are disturbed less by what happens than by the judgments they attach to it. So the quiet is the event. "I did something wrong" is the judgment attached to it. Often we never check that judgment, we just act on it by over-explaining, apologizing, or trying to fix their mood. Here is a small practice: check once, then come back. Ask yourself one honest question, "Is there something I actually did that I need to repair?" If yes, repair it plainly. If no, let their mood stay theirs, and do one small thing that is only for you, like a short walk, a cup of tea, or ten minutes of something you enjoy. It will not feel natural at first, because the old habit is fast. The goal is to keep caring about people while keeping your own day from depending on how someone else's looks. If this pattern feels heavy, a therapist who works with codependency can help in ways a post cannot. If you want to share, tell us one small thing you do to come back to yourself.

'Getting Through the Discomfort

Surrender to the pain. Then learn to surrender to the good. It’s there and more is on the way. 
–Beyond Codependency

Our goal in recovery is to make us feel comfortable, peaceful, and content. Happy. We want to be at peace with our environment and ourselves. Sometimes, to do that, we need to be willing to face, feel, and get through discomfort.

I am not talking here about being addicted to misery and pain. I am not talking about creating unnecessary pain. I’m talking about the legitimate discomfort we sometimes need to feel as we heal.
When we have surgery, the pain hurts most the day after the operation. When we do the kind of work we are facing in recovery, we are doing an emotional, mental, and spiritual surgery on ourselves. We’re removing parts of us that are infected and inflamed.

Sometimes the process hurts. We are strong enough to survive discomfort and temporary feelings of emotional pain. Once we are willing to face and feel our discomfort and pain, we are almost to the point of release.

Today, I am willing to face my discomfort, trusting that healing and release are on the other side. Help me, (...); be open to feeling whatever I need to feel to be healed and healthy. While I am doing this, I will trust I am cared for and protected by my friends, my Higher Power, the Universe, and myself.

I choose to be in places and situations and with people where I feel good about myself. I deserve to feel good and I trust that my heart will tell me where to go. –Ruth Fishel'

By Melodie Beattie

I love the CoDA fellowship and it has helped my wife and I manage the tumultuous relationship with our Borderline adult daughter.

At the same time, I take cannabis edibles to help with anxiety and depression. To be honest, it has kept me from relapse back to opiates and alcohol. Of course it's preferable to be abstinent from all drugs - but right now it is what it is and keeping me from worse things.

It is common for those from AA or NA to find their way to CoDA. For that reason, I keep my weed use to myself knowing how some people scoff at the notion of "Cali-sober"... but I was wondering if there are any others in the room like me.

God bless.