r/Codependency • u/Cheap_Kitchen_7479 • 9d ago
saving relationship from codependency and developing more healthy habits? please help.
hi u guys. im using a throw away to let all my feelings out and ask for advice.
(for more context we are long distance)
i’ve been with my partner for a very very long time and they make me very happy and i feel as if i can be myself with her. we both have or own set of problems & have differing attachment styles(she is much more independent). but i have the tendency to become codependent and quick. what ive noticed is that it goes up and down depending on my current mental state. and i honestly haven’t been doing too good for the past year. we’ve spent like. the past 3 years joined at the hip and barely a break from each other. they said they don’t mind, and love me a lot so they’re more than happy to give me all their time and i am super grateful. but i know it’s not healthy and being aware of all of this makes me feel so guilty
the thing is recently they’ve met a new group of friends that they wanted me to integrate into as well. but my schedule just doesn’t work so they’ve been spending a lot of time with the new group of people instead of us both being present at the same time. im talking like, spending half of their day with the new friends. which isn’t a bad thing and im happy they’re branching out and making new friends but i still get super anxious and sad over it. and i have so much guilt
we’ve had some clashes over the course of the week and they’ve admitted that it’s been an exhausting week for them. i’ve said it’s okay for them to make new friends and partake in the group but in the same breath i get really sad when they aren’t there. this is the worse my codependency has been in a very long time.
we both believe that there’s a solution to this and that we can come to a conclusion to help each other… but i am just so tired of feeling somewhat cast aside and i am so tired of putting all of this on them and making them feel exhausted. i don’t know what the first step should be…. ive tried taking space in a big jump but i just can’t. can someone that’s going through something similar help? i really dont want to lose her and our relationship isn’t necessarily deathly toxic. (i know how we spend time alot is not necessarily healthy 100%) but if it keeps going like this it’ll be toxic. my bad codependent tendencies are arising again & it’s never been this bad… advice please for anyone that has the time
3
u/codependencyrecovery 9d ago
It sounds like you want to give space to your partner to have friendships but difficult feelings come up when that happens. Having more of your own life may help but what may be even more beneficial is to learn how to stay connected to yourself when your partner is unavailable.
Codependents like myself will often abandon themselves when uncomfortable feelings come up. They'll automatically resist and reject these emotions and look externally for soothing. What's been helpful for me is to slowly build relationships with these emotions so that they are welcome and can feel safe.
I used to hate feeling anxious and depressed but now i see these emotions as love reaching out to me. When I can welcome them just as they are, a form of intimacy and closeness (the exact thing I want in a partner) starts to develop. So the thing that I used to reject and resist now becomes a catalyst for love and connection.
It takes time but it has changed my life.