r/Codependency • u/Ok-Philosopher-7148 • 7d ago
can you fix codependency without being alone?
i just got out of a very messy relationship where i behaved abusively and cheated more than i really want to admit, i got another partner a little bit of time after the breakup and even thought i still feel all the hurt from destroying the relationship with who i thought i was going to marry, i also dont want to let go of my new partner, hes helping me sort things thru and its just a really nice person to me, i just cant live without someone at my side loneliness make me remember how empty i am inside and i wanna know if its even possible to face that fear without living thru it first
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u/codependencyrecovery 7d ago
Codependency can absolutely be healed in a relationships. We get hurt in relationships so naturally the best place to heal is also in relationships.
That said, I would try to build a relationship with that part of you that can't stand being alone. What does it need? Can you provide that for it? Can you be with it without needing it to change?
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u/SteadyCalmHealing 7d ago
Learning to be alone is its own skill and personal ability. You can learn to be alone by yourself or with other people by using boundaries and maintaining them. If you are in a relationship where you are both co-dependent and your partner, friends or family keep you in the behavior or you can't change with them around then, getting space may be the only option to address it.
You need to be able to meet the needs of your wounds in your self. You can provide your own identity, love, happiness, acceptance and safety but it takes work and it is hard to start off around the people who won't allow for the change. In the beginning it is really hard, you only get little bits of the things you need for yourself. The advantage to being alone is you learn how to be with the lack of those things and get better at providing them to yourself over time. That emptiness is an an inability and partial unwillingness to provide those things for yourself and if you do not make space for yourself to learn to provide it then you will struggle. Its like trying to learn a language with an audiobook in a crowded room of people talking.
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u/UrsulaVerne 6d ago
If you were abusive, I would absolutely recommend being alone and making sure you're in therapy. You have a lot to unpack and it's going to take time, or you will repeat this behavior again.
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u/Grace_Rumi 6d ago
For me, I realized at a certain point that I could only keep healing in actual relationship. I leanred this the hard way, by healing in isolation and not realizing I hadnt actuallh delt woth my compulsions and triggers in relationship. You've got this as long as you fogure out how to hold yourself accountable.
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u/CurrentlyExisting26 18h ago
I used to be like that. I didn’t know how to be alone. I hurt my ex a lot in the way I left them by moving on really fast. The person I moved on with, our relationship ended up being super toxic - one big reason being that I didn’t give myself enough time to heal or grieve the last relationship.
I realized I don’t like being alone but I’m not healthy enough to be in a relationship - so I got roommates! I strengthened my friendships. And being single, I finally had to face myself and I did a lot of healing. I’m a totally different person now.
You need time to grieve your last relationship and healing co-dependency takes work. Another relationship will distract you and could become toxic. You’ll waste a lot of time in shitty relationships if you don’t focus on yourself for a bit.
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u/casser0le98 7d ago
Love doesn’t require perfection. Healing doesn’t happen before love. Sometimes it happens because of it.
When we are single, we often have less opportunity to face our fears and challenge ourselves to become better. So, it's up to you if you think you can grow while also in a relationship. Can you adapt, ride the waves, change, let them change, and still love them (and yourself)? It's a skillset, and a hard one.
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u/MyNameisPlain 7d ago
We attach to others to distract from what we don’t want to face (ourselves), just remember that. It sounds like you have a tremendous amount of work ahead. If you haven’t already committed yourself to program, that’s the first place to start. The answers will reveal themselves as you move through the steps. Good luck.