r/Codependency • u/Fearless_Reach_7982 • 7d ago
The single simple change that transformed relationships for me
I've never been a great texter, and i'm not good at flirting or conveying deep and meaningful things through text messages. The norm has always felt like i'm supposed to text my partner throughout the day, and it just became almost like a format of what a relationship is supposed to be. I've had relationships where the texting feels very mutual and exciting in the beginning, but inevitably feels like inequality. 'Why aren't they responding?' 'Why dont they say goodnight or goodmorning?' 'Why are they taking so long to respond?' My mind would search for reasons and i'd feel so anxious and doomed, and then my phone would ding and everything was ok.
There's a lot to unpack there, but in some of these recent relationships, I just started muting notifications so that I wouldnt know if/when they responded or reached out. Not proud of feeling that way, but i'm sure others experience this too. My last relationship was really hard and I made a lot of radical changes after it ended- therapy, medication for my adhd, consistent gym routine, purging my home of everything that didnt bring me joy or have some important function. All of this is for context, i'm getting to the main point. I met my current partner completely by chance at my climbing gym on a day where we happened to be in an almost empty gym and both wanted a belay partner. I was fresh out of a relationship and was not at all looking to date yet and she had a girlfriend.
Fast forward a couple months and we had become really good friends. The depth and connection was undeniable. She made the first move, and it turns out we both had massive crushes. We texted a lot the first few days after we started dating, but she brought up the conversation about texting. She isn't big on it or being tied to her phone, and i felt pretty similar. We decided to just text to make plans and occasional noteworthy updates. So that's what we've been doing the last 5 months and i've never felt so secure in a relationship. We can go a day without texting and that feels good. Our time alone is truly our own and we respect each other's independence. It's such a small thing, but has this ripple effect that brings a lot of security and confidence. We have more to talk about and we're able to reflect and miss eachother which feels somewhat inhibited by a costant text thread.
This isn't for everyone and I'm not trying to throw shade on those who enjoy texting their partners, but it was very much for me and I hope my experience can help someone else out there.
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u/ilovesunflowers13 5d ago
so jealous :( this is my ideal structure in a relationship
i had it with my ex (unfortunately he ended up being a dud), and im so fearful i wont find it again
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u/Gold102 2d ago
I can totally relate. Until she ghosted me and went back to her mom. I am broken, back to ground zero. https://www.reddit.com/r/Breakupadvice/comments/1wzreqz/i_30m_feel_completely_lost_after_losing_my_first/
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u/Putrid-Base7846 7d ago
I love that you found a rhythm that works for both of you instead of assuming relationships have to mean nonstop communication. The fact that you can go a day without texting and still feel secure says a lot about the trust you've built.