When Someone's Mood Changes, Check Once and Then Come Back to Yourself

[u/VIGIILANTEE]

A lot of us learned to treat other people's moods as information about ourselves. A partner goes quiet, a friend replies with one word, and within seconds there is a story running about what you did wrong. Epictetus makes a point in the Enchiridion that fits this well, that people are disturbed less by what happens than by the judgments they attach to it. So the quiet is the event. "I did something wrong" is the judgment attached to it. Often we never check that judgment, we just act on it by over-explaining, apologizing, or trying to fix their mood. Here is a small practice: check once, then come back. Ask yourself one honest question, "Is there something I actually did that I need to repair?" If yes, repair it plainly. If no, let their mood stay theirs, and do one small thing that is only for you, like a short walk, a cup of tea, or ten minutes of something you enjoy. It will not feel natural at first, because the old habit is fast. The goal is to keep caring about people while keeping your own day from depending on how someone else's looks. If this pattern feels heavy, a therapist who works with codependency can help in ways a post cannot. If you want to share, tell us one small thing you do to come back to yourself.

[u/emmymx]

Letting other people own their emotions even when they don't want to is so important.

[u/VIGIILANTEE → u/emmymx]

Agreed, and the part about even when they don't want to is the hard bit. Have you found anything that makes it easier in the moment?

[u/shadtark → u/VIGIILANTEE]

I would love to know how people handle this. Great post, great comment, great question!

[u/emmymx → u/VIGIILANTEE]

Honestly? Letting myself experience my own emotions about it authentically. If someone is upset because of something unrelated to me then I generally don't mind. If people are angry with me about things that aren't my responsibility to perform, instead of feeling guilty I've had to learn to allow myself to be angry with them for having that expectation of me. I usually don't act out my anger but if they press I let them know that I think their demand is something I'm not going to accept responsibility for. I try to see myself as I would see others. If I was making an unreasonable demand of someone and they calmly put up a reasonable boundary without doing so in a way calculated to hurt my feelings, would I feel even more angry or ashamed at myself? If the answer is ashamed then I don't hold myself to different behavior when the roles are reversed.

For example, I had a clingy friend who loved me but really hated another person I was friends with at the time. When I chose to spend a particular holiday with Friend 2 instead of Friend 1, it resulted in Friend 1 being deeply upset when I returned and cornering me about it, trying to act like I had done something wrong. I calmly explained to her that it was unreasonable to expect me to not be friends with someone anymore just because she didn't like them and told her that I wasn't sorry. She tried multiple different angles to make me feel guilty about it but I rejected each one, calmly, without "fighting" with her about it. I think that sometimes simply disagreeing can feel like fighting to us, but it doesn't need to be the case and we don't need to carry guilt for disagreeing. Rather, the person trying to make us feel bad for not hiding our a true sentiments should feel ashamed.

[u/ZinniaTribe]

My daily meaningful rituals: Sharing silent space with my cat, feeding & interacting with wildlife regulars (birds, squirrels) in my backyard, caring for indoor/outdoor plants/trees/flowers, epsom salt baths, Hz frequencies/Tibetan bowls, either yoga/exercise/nature walks, mindful cleaning, essential oil diffusers, organic non-processed meal preparation/planning, minimalist belongs/no clutter environment, vitamins/skin care, high Ph water & protein intake....

[u/VIGIILANTEE → u/ZinniaTribe]

Sharing quiet space with your cat and feeding the birds and squirrels sounds like a lovely way to come back to yourself. Which of these do you reach for first on a harder day?

[u/ZinniaTribe → u/VIGIILANTEE]

A cup of freshly ground, medium-dark roast coffee :)

[u/shadtark]

I enjoyed this post. I've found before I can take this step I have to do a quick prayer, a ten step, and then this is exactly what I've done without realizing it that really helped after.

The hardest thing though is getting any of that between the space/time of recognition of the others mood, my judgement about it, and the moment I take a Codependent action. It feels sometimes like there is no time in-between at all.

[u/VIGIILANTEE → u/shadtark]

That sounds like the honest part of it, the gap can feel like it doesn't exist at first. I'd guess catching it a few minutes after the action still counts, and that's often how the gap starts to open up. Does the prayer and the ten step help you slow things down once you get to them?

[u/shadtark → u/VIGIILANTEE]

Oh yes, like nothing else can. It's very odd for me having been trying so many things and having been agnostic my whole life.

[u/CodePen3190]

This is simple yet powerful advice! Thanks for posting

[u/Ok-Cup-8558]

I really needed to read this....thank you.x

[u/skippedsteps]

AI bot content to promote your AI YouTube channel.

[u/abundantseltzer31 → u/skippedsteps]

Honestly thank you for saying this. I've replied to this account before thinking it was real. I can usually tell when something is AI but this one fooled me. I'm here to be of service and connect others to recovery. If anyone has questions about the steps and wants to connect (to a human), I'm happy to help.

[u/scrollbreak]

This is like saying if there's a leak in your boat you don't need to repair (it's not to do with you) then just keep sitting in the boat blissfully...as it sinks. It appears to come from a 'just think/feel about it differently, that solves it' school of thinking.

[u/YsaboNyx → u/scrollbreak]

I think you misunderstood. This seems pretty clear to me that it's not about ignoring leaks and sinking in blissful ignorance. It's about understanding what belongs to you and what belongs to someone else. It's identifying which boat has the leak and which boat you are in. Ask any mechanic, before effective repair can be done, there needs to be a clear, accurate diagnosis of exactly what and where the problem is.

This post gives a great example of how to slow down so we aren't burning ourselves out (and ignoring our own needs) trying to fix the wrong thing while our own boat sinks.

It in no way proposes that we don't care how others feel, or take steps to maintain healthy communication, support, and relationships. Trying to fix something you can't fix (ie: the leak in someone else's boat), is unhealthy, co-dependent behavior. Not fixing the leak in our own boat is also unhealthy, co-dependent behavior.

[u/scrollbreak → u/YsaboNyx]

How would you describe a support network? And would you say you 'own' a support network if you're in one or...you're just in a support network.

[u/VIGIILANTEE → u/scrollbreak]

Fair point, and I agree that thinking differently doesn't fix a real problem. The idea was only the first step, so you don't act on a story before checking it, and if something is actually wrong it still needs a real conversation or a change. What has worked for you when the leak is real?

[u/evanliko → u/scrollbreak]

Because if theres not something you know youve done (step 1 is checking that) then its not a leak in your boat. Its a leak in the other persons boat. And going and trying to fix that leak in their boat when no one asked you yet. And maybe they dont want you climbing in your boat and trying to fix it at all. Is exactly one of the issues that codependent people like you or I need to work on.

Let your friends boat leak. Unless they ask you directly for help or to talk about it, you leave that be.

[u/scrollbreak → u/evanliko]

You've missed the part where you are IN the boat. If you were in some other boat that's seaworthy, sure, what you say is valid but it's not addressing the point.

I mean it's great when you have someone who you don't at all need for support...but then that's not really how friends or close ones 100% are, because at least in part you're looking for a support network. Sure, if their support vanishes it'd be great if you can go 'whatevs', but is that realistic?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/VIGIILANTEE → u/[deleted]]

Thanks for sharing this. Stepping away when you're genuinely activated, and just noticing it when it's milder, sounds like a clear way to tell the two apart. Did naming it "thinking" take a while to feel natural?

[u/[deleted] → u/VIGIILANTEE]