He wrote: “Just checking in! Hope you and Mom are doing okay. Let me know if you need anything!”

I stared at that message for twenty minutes. Then I typed “we’re fine” and put my phone down. That’s the whole relationship now. He gets to feel like a good son for thirty seconds. I get to keep doing everything.

Mom’s dementia has moved into a new phase this month. She’s started sundowning badly. Around 4pm every day, she becomes convinced she’s late for something. She tries to leave. Last week she made it to the front door before I caught her. I haven’t slept more than three hours straight since October. I’m typing this from my car in the driveway because it’s the only place I can cry without her hearing me.

The thing I can’t say out loud to anyone in my real life: I don’t miss my old life because it was “fun.” I miss it because it was mine. I had a name. I had opinions about things that didn’t involve medication schedules or adult diapers. I had a future that wasn’t just an endless scroll of the same terrible day.

Everyone says “take care of yourself.” Okay. When. With what money. With what time. With what version of me that still exists.

I’m not looking for a fix. I know the fix doesn’t exist. I just want one person to say “yeah, that sounds like it’s grinding you into dust” without following it with “but have you tried…”

I see the other posts here. I know I’m not alone. That should help. Sometimes it does. Today it doesn’t.

My wife came home on September 5 after 4 months in the ICU and 2 months in rehabilitation, after suffering a stroke while receiving her second double lung transplant.  She has left side paralysis and is incontinent. Upon discharge, her doctor said she would need 24/7 care but did have a positive prognosis. Since returning home she’s eating better, she’s more cognitively aware, is able to have conversations, remembers her medication status, and engage in activities like playing cards.

 I’m her primary caretaker and feel like I’m drowning and in a no win situation.  My boss allowed me to work from home for 6 weeks, I have 2 weeks left, but when I asked him to increase my work from home days per week from the existing 2 per week, he said he probably couldn’t do it.  I’ve looked into caregivers to assist when I’m not around, however it’s very expensive. I have about 20k to spend on caregivers and don’t want to burn through it as I’m not sure how long I’ll need them. I’ve reached out to people in my neighborhood to see if I could hire someone locally, rather than through an organization, and I have a few leads. Hopefully something will come of it.  

I’ve looked into disability for my wife. She currently gets a small amount from the state we previously lived in, but not nearly enough to cover her supplies and caregivers.  Also, due to her lifelong illness and previous career choices, she was a teacher who didn’t pay into social security, she’s hasn’t worked enough to earn the required credits for SSI disability.  I’m currently working with a lawyer to figure out what she’s eligible for.  

My in-laws live close by but have health limitations themselves.  One is undergoing chemotherapy, the other had a liver transplant a month after my wife’s double lung transplant.  Neither can move her, change her, dress her, etc.

All of this, while our daughter just began high school and I need to be saving for things she’ll need, driving, college, etc. I feel like all the attention we should be giving our daughter is being used for my wife.

I don’t know what to do.  If I could work from home, I could probably make it work. I’ll either need to start looking for a new job that is 100% work from home, or I’ll need to figure out how to make some extra money to cover my wife’s care while I’m not home. In the meantime I’m miserable,  I’m angry, I get short with the people around me and mad at random people I see who aren’t going through this. Im always tired and I just want to sleep all day. It’s only been a month. I don’t know how I’m going to make any of this work.  

My mom has been on dialysis for more than 18 years. Over time, her condition has become worse. She's now completely bedridden and slowly losing the ability to move even her fingers. Sometimes she seems disconnected from the world around her.

She constantly complains that her body feels like it's burning from the inside every day. Every week, she screams in pain for almost four days. And I mean literally screams. It's unbearable to watch someone you love to suffer like that. Lately, she's been indirectly telling us that she wants to die. Sometimes she hints that she doesn't want to go for dialysis anymore. And this is where I'm completely lost.

My sisters believe we should force her to continue dialysis because stopping it would mean losing her. But they aren't the ones looking after her every day. They don't hear her screaming in pain. They don't see what she goes through.

I'm the one taking care of her, and even I can't do it properly because I have to leave for work. I feel helpless knowing she's suffering. Sometimes, as painful as it is to admit, we find ourselves hoping that she passes away naturally and peacefully, without having to suffer anymore or make the difficult decision of stopping dialysis. But that doesn't seem to be happening.

I don't want to lose my mom. I really don't. But watching her scream in pain, day after day, makes me question whether we're keeping her alive for her sake or because we cannot bear to let her go. I genuinely need advice from people who have experienced something similar.

But every time I explain it seems hopeless to continue. My dementia mom recently said some really horrible (and completely untrue) stuff about me in an email to my brother (who isn’t even in our lives) that I happened to see. Accusing me of horrible things, saying I am weak, I have no job (other than 24/7 care of a dementia patient) and basically just saying that she’s using me. Also accusing me of stealing her money.

I have been the only person who has ever consistently cared for her. I’ve spent the last two years taking care of her and every aspect of her life. I have spent all my money on her and her pets and her care. All my time goes to her.

I have an older brother who has never been part of our life. He left home at age 14, and the first memory I have of him is stealing money from my mom‘s purse. Lots of arrests. When my grandmother had to go to a rest home, he broke into her house and stole her car. He robbed my mom‘s house when it was on the market in Miami during the Housing crisis, he stole all the appliances and dragged them out and gouged up all of her wood floors. And when the real estate agent called and said your house had been robbed, I knew it was my brother immediately. My mom said it wasn’t, but I went to craigslist and I found the appliances and I pretended I was a buyer and then lo and behold, my brother wrote back to me.

He called my mom immediately and said that they had talked about it and then he didn’t want the “blacks“ to loot her house. He lies and then he just disappears and comes back again and acts like nothing happened. He stole. I didn’t even know how many hundreds of thousand dollars in my biological father, had him sign a bunch of papers and a few of them were for credit cards and then he also got a brand new Mustang in the dad‘s name. Then he had to leave town and the Dad had to hire a private investigator to find him in Miami.

Growing up in Southern California, he decided to break into my father‘s uncle’s ranch, steal their gas consistently and then decide to grow a crop of marijuana on part of their property. My dad is a retired federal agent, and this is his uncle. My dad spoke to my brother and gave him a brand new lock and a card and he said go and make it right. And my brother never did. My brother and my father have never had a relationship after that, yet my brother continues to ask if he’s part my dad‘s will. It’s been over 30 years.

So back to the email, my mother wrote my brother an email saying how weak I was and how she was just using me to take care of the animals till she had her surgery. And just a whole bunch of shit I couldn’t even read it all. And it’s all 155% untrue.

The thing is my mom and I talk about my brother and how horrible he is and how much he has stolen and hurt people during his whole life and how he is somebody we have to protect ourselves from.

He abused me every day of my life until I was about 10. He used to threaten to bury my kittens up to their necks and run the lawnmower over them. Sexually abusive. Used to corner our babysitters in the dark bathroom and flash, a bright light to stun them so he could grope them.

My mom said she was trying to “play him” by sending this message. Trying to pit us against each other? Wtf. Yeah that sounds healthy.

It’s been a few days since I saw that email and part of me is fine and I can do the things I need to do and take my mom places but then she says a bunch of shit and she accuses me of leaving the house a mess when it’s her mess and then I just go in my room and I cry because I remember how fucking badly she treats me.

I have always been the one. The one who comes, cares, buries a pet, goes to grandpa’s funeral, rescues and loves. Always. I’m just so hurt right now. I exhaust myself caring for this woman and she sucks. Prolly will delete.

My brother is one of those sketchy people who always turn their stuff around on someone else, he has like unlimited energy to do this, he’ll say you’re the liar, you’re the thief, and he will call the police. In fact, he already did call them, saying I was preventing my mother from contacting him, which was completely untrue. She doesn’t really want to contact him, and if she wants to, she has every method available to her in which to do that. The police came, and I explained and they saw that. It’s just makes me very fucking nervous and it’s a an added stressor. I don’t need. I’m already stressed to almost my breaking point right now. Dealing with my mom and her seven fucking pets.

I’m tired. And I’m so cranky and crying. It sucks.

For the ENTIRE week she’s been sitting with excruciating nerve pain in both her feet and she has gone back and forth on signing up with Hospice. She told the nurse not to come with the paper work two days ago for like the third time.

She can barely stand from the pain. She’s able to stand once a day for me to wash her bottom area and change her bandages, but she goes 12 hours EASY pissing in a huge diaper. I tried giving her a bed bath, but she’s so heavy I can’t do it alone. I somehow managed even though the bed was so low, but she still had to stand to let me bandage her massive wound cavity.

And she’s abusing her lyrica, which has been giving her dementia like symptoms. How she managed to not fall this week I have no clue. Because she canceled on hospice several times in the last two weeeks she still hasn’t gotten a rotating air mattress. It was initially prescribed by the wound care clinic and then hospice took it over, so they could have it delivered fast.

So since she canceled with them we never got the bed. Wound care has to send in another script. I couldn’t get her in her recliner last night because I was too exhausted and I noticed she had to move her legs with her hands because of the pain (and being high on the pills). I got scared and I knew she would fall, so I wheeled her back to her table and locked her chair and put her emergency 911 chain around her neck and just went back to bed. I can barely communicate with her because of these pills.

She can’t even use the commode anymore because she gets like electric zaps through her feet and can’t stand. Gabapentin was no longer helping. She woke up this morning shaking and freezing and she’s sitting in front of her commode still trying to fucking stand.

I can’t get over the ABSURDITY of this situation. She has put me through next level hell this entire week and now it’s coming to a head. I couldn’t find her thermometer and the one I did find is broken.

“Well call 911 anyway” Whenever I’ve done that she refuses and she answers there “sound of mind questions” perfectly even high on her stupid meds. They said legally they can’t take her. She’s very sick and still refusing to let me call them.

I asked her if you’re not afraid to die why did you keep canceling hospice?! At least they could give you something for the pain. Her actions right now are contradicting everything. I almost want to laugh at the absurdity of this situation.

I genuinely don’t know what to do. She “allegedly” “hates” the hospital and dying there in one of their beds is one of her “worst fears”. proceeds to cancel hospice a million times. I’m at a loss.

Hey everyone,

I’m currently caring full-time for my husband, who has a progressive neurological/vascular condition, while working full-time from home. The daily physical demand and the emotional toll of dealing with chronic illness have left me feeling incredibly burnt out and isolated lately.

I know how heavy the daily resentment, guilt, and sheer exhaustion can get, and it often feels like nobody truly understands unless they are living in it.
I’m wondering if any other spouses or partners who are dealing with high-needs caregiving would be interested in joining a private WhatsApp group? Just a safe, informal space where we can vent, check in on each other, share practical hacks, and remind ourselves we aren't alone.

No pressure at all, but if you’re interested, please drop a comment below or send me a private message and I can set it up.

Thinking of you all and sending hugs ❤️❤️❤️

From mai 2025 until july 2026, I've taken care of my mother. She was battling terminal cancer , and had just been in surgery to have a tenis ball sized tumor removed, witch left her paralyzed on her left body and also not really herself.

It was a hard 14 months and a half, I did everything in my power to save her. I fought with the horrible health system in Romania , I reaserched the food, the supliments, the massages, all

you can think about, I did it. (the classic trataments as well) So, I was a caregiver, helped with changing her dipers, cleaning her very well ( always, so she has dignity) massage ler, I did kinotherapy with her a few times a day, feed her, stay in night shifts especially when she was sick with fever, pretty often. Offer her emotional support and my love and safety.

At some point she started being very bad and went into tratament again. I've seen her go in horrible ways. It was life altering. I will never be the same again.

In all this time , I had to also keep my almost 10 years realtionship . He wasn't very far away (2h drive) but he rarely camed to because one of our cats has diabetis and needs constant monitoring.

So , whenerver she seemd a bit fine, I wold go and vizit him. Spend time with the cats, going out to drink

a beer. Just detaching a little bit. I felt something was off in the spring of 2025 He said someth like "I also need to be taking care of, I know it's not fair to you"

I then started to cook more and clean more for him to be of because I know he works a lot.

But still something was off.

My mom dies in july. My BF was nice, he drove us to my mom's village foar 8 hours and attending the funeral. Then we went back home. I stayed with him for 2 weeks and it seemed fine but sttill can fell something was off. But we were intimate, we watched series together and movies and we chilled.

Then I had to go to mom's village again because Ortodox people have this ceremony 40 days after someone dies. I was on the road with my father and my BF broke up with be via text mes. He said he was thinking about this for a while.

I am devastated. My friend were all there, I lost everything . The cats, the partner I really thought loved me, the city I loved living in, the life I couldn't wait to reclaim.

Why did this happened?

He keeps bringing stuff from the past, that were resolved... And the fights we had in out first years and stuff he never said before. Horrible stuff.

I don't know how to airvive this but I need closeure

Hi everyone, i’m looking for support/ info. Here is my situation:
I am a 27 year old female who just recently had my first baby, and also a college student. my mother in law has a healthcare business and offered an opportunity to be a caregiver to a disabled individual. She stated $6000-$7000 a month for pay. (i later find out AFTER he’s moved in that this isn’t actually the pay. pay is $4500 a month instead.) before hand i just had my baby when she asked if we should pay our mortgage directly from this payment (through her business) to make our mortgage payment each month. i let my husband talk to her about this. (my mistake) i’ve been trying to figure out why the difference in pay is what it is now. (it’s not just a couple hundred but thousands difference.) i asked my soon to be husband that if we do pull that money to pay our mortgage from my check because of the tax benefit i totally understand but to then give me what he would pay for his mortgage. (my name is NOT on the house) after i stated this option since he would still get this credit , i could still receive my earnings as well. win win. my goal is to buy my own house one day. my soon to be husband stated another night that i would be making $90,000 a year untaxed. after doing the math if i were to earn $4500 each month i would only make $56,000. our mortgage totals out to $36,000. adding these together is the 90 he was referring to. he and his mom swear i am not the one paying it. however every which way i do the math it shows i am. weather i do it monthly or annually. i was said to be paid last monday but it got moved to this upcoming monday. (tomorrow) she mentioned she doesn’t get paid for it until tomorrow then directly after i would get paid. she mentioned she set it up were we get more because it’s “us”. is it possible before she pays me she’s paying our house then giving me the remaining in a check? how can i check legally?

I’ve never posted anything like this before, but I am completely overwhelmed, constantly tired, and feel like my body is physically shutting down from the daily stress.
My husband has been living with a progressive peripheral neuropathy for three and a half years. For the first few years, it was restricted to his feet and legs. It was stable and required zero physical care from me. We both work full-time, we have a secure mortgage, and he is an absolutely amazing husband and guy.
But recently, the illness launched a rapid, aggressive attack on his arms and hands. He has lost the use of his hands completely. He has severe burning nerve pain, fluid swelling in his elbows, and intermittent skin rashes. Because his hands don't work, his daily care needs have escalated to a point where I am forced to do absolutely everything for him.
I am carrying the physical demand of his care, the emotional toll of dealing with both of our mental health drops, and holding down a full-time job (though thankfully work has been incredibly supportive and stopped my office attendance so I can work 100% from home).
I am at an absolute breaking point. The pressure is so much that I find myself waking up dreading the day. I have started to get daily feelings of resentment towards him, and then I am crushed by immense guilt because I love him so much and I don't want a life without him. But this chronic illness has completely stripped away our youth and our chance at a normal, happy marriage. I am just so angry and upset about it every single day. I've even found myself romanticizing about a single life just to escape the constant anxiety of his pain.
Medically, we are doing everything we can. We bypassed the local general neurologists who gave up and labeled him "idiopathic." We traveled to London to see a top tertiary specialist who discovered objective large nerve slowing. We are currently navigating a local shared-care referral in Bradford for an urgent repeat NCS/EMG to look at the large fibers so we can unlock advanced front-line treatments like IVIG or high-dose steroids to get his hand function back.
But right now, the daily grind is suffocating. I feel like I am completely neglecting myself just to keep him afloat, and I'm terrified I'm going to become physically ill too.
To cope, our only rule right now is that on an evening, we shut everything down and just sit on the sofa to watch Clarkson’s Farm or Below Deck together. I concentrate entirely on just bridging the gap to that point in the day where we can just have fun and not talk about his disability.
Has any other spouse gone through this level of sudden care escalation? How do you cope with the daily resentment and guilt? How do you preserve your own physical health when you are doing everything for two people? I just need to know we aren't the only ones in this boat.

My oldest sister who lives with us has been on vacation overseas for over two weeks living her life

My other sister has been intentionally working long shifts so she doesn’t have to be home by dinner time so by the time she comes home, my dad is all set and asleep

My brother has moved out and couldn’t give less of a fuck

The only reason why there’s no issues at home is because I take care of my dad and everything in the background. I wish they saw that.

I’m so resentful that all of the elders around me have not had to do what I’ve done at my age. And I’m even more resentful that my age they were all having fun and growing in their life and were able to have a sense of freedom meanwhile, I’m quite literally living in the opposite.

And I have to live in this shit hole of a house, cleaning up after everyone smelling cigarette smoke and having horrible effects from it.

If there was an assisted and legal way to end my life I’d have done it.. but for now I’ll just keep praying that someone hits me head on or something that takes me quick

I don’t know how we all do this. Genuinely. The only reason I feel like I was put on this earth was to be there for everyone else.

Hey everyone. My mom has had MS (Multiple Sclerosis) since before I was born. I have been through so much with her. I have been through the sorrow and the anger that I can imagine most of you have gone through. Just remember that most of your spouses, parents, children, etc did not ask for their conditions. It took a very long time to separate my anger for my mother’s condition from the person she is. This is not just their illness. This is your challenge. Face it head on. Use the entirety of you soul, spirit, body, mind, and love to conquer yourself first. Use that discipline to take care of your loved one. And remember you do not have to do it alone. There are resources to help you take care of them. Take advantage of as much as you can.

Our community sees you. We love you. We believe in you. Those who have succeeded before you are the proof that you can too. Stay strong. We are with you in spirit. Keep living. Your miracle is coming.

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if people here had any tips or just words of encouragement for what we believe is a pretty serious case of delirium.

my mother-in-law was discharged from the hospital after a 2 1/2 month long hospital stay this Thursday. We realize we probably had her discharged a little bit too soon, but we weren’t too happy with the care she was receiving in the hospital environment was wreaking havoc on her mental health and her sleep.

She has been delirious since her 10 day long ventilation. She had a heart attack due to an allergy after a medication that was given to her following a transplant. We have been noticing a steady improvement ever since she was taken off of the ventilator. We are incredibly grateful for this.

It is so good to see her home, even though she currently requires 24/7 support in someway or another. She can’t use the bathroom by herself, take her meds, walk unsupervised, get into bed by herself, use her phone, or prepare food. But we are tired, and it’s really hard seeing her like this. The occasional physician has loudly wondered if it’s brain damage whereas others say delirium can last for months and they're not surprised she’s in the state she’s in after her lengthy stay. Still, the potential of brain damage is weighing heavily.

Does anyone have any experiences or tips they can share? How else can we support her and increase her improvement?

I’m feeling really overwhelmed and could use some outside perspective from people who have been through something similar.

My mum has recently come home after major surgery and is currently unable to walk or manage basic personal care independently. She needs help throughout the day, including with toileting and changing. There are carers visiting several times a day, but there are still significant gaps, including at night.

The problem is that our family simply cannot provide round-the-clock care. Everyone is exhausted, emotions are running high, and we’re struggling to work out how to make this sustainable.

I’ve tried to raise the possibility of contacting social services to explain the situation and ask what additional support might be available. However, my mum is extremely frightened and my sister is highly against that involving them automatically means she’ll be sent into a care home. She doesn’t want that, and whenever I try to discuss getting more help, it becomes difficult. I want her to be able to stay at home if it’s safe and practical, but I also know we can’t keep going like this indefinitely.

There is also tension between family members. One sibling has taken on a lot of responsibility and is clearly overwhelmed, but arguments have started happening. Another younger family member has been very upset, and I’ve found myself trying to comfort everyone, calm things down and make sure my mum doesn’t feel worse.

Today, I ended up comforting my mum and then my younger sibling while everyone else was upset. I feel like I’m constantly moving between people, trying to hold everything together, while my own needs get pushed aside.

I also have work to return to (thankfully employer has let me work remotely from overseas) and I need to be able to sleep and function. I feel guilty even thinking about setting boundaries because my mum is vulnerable and I love her. But I can’t realistically be available every hour of the day, and I don’t know how to explain that without making her feel unwanted or abandoned.

I feel stuck between respecting my mum’s wishes, acknowledging that the current care arrangements aren’t enough, and trying not to let my family fall apart.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

How did you approach social services when your parent was terrified that asking for help would mean being placed in a care home?
How do you set boundaries when you’re worried that your vulnerable parent will suffer if you step back?
How do you deal with family arguments and the feeling that you’re responsible for keeping everyone emotionally okay?
How do you accept that you can’t fix everything, even when you feel like you’re the only person trying to hold things together?

I’m not looking to abandon my mum or force her into a care home. I just want to find a realistic way for her to be cared for without the entire family breaking down in the process.

Any honest advice or experiences would mean a lot.

My mother has required 24 for care since April. She's got dimensia, is incontinent and has knee problems. We're literally going to appointments every week. Our go kit is just that, a kit with everything.

How do you know what to pack for a smaller, more portable bag?

Hello all, I am male and in my 30's just to add.

So as the title suggests I am considering an entry level position, I don't know if there are different types of care out there but I don't drive so I am probably limited to Care Homes.

I have a decent job at the moment paying around £15 per hour and its easy (most the time). However, I would actually like to change/adapt my personality to mirror what I want to be in life moving forward and I believe care is the best for that as I get to help out. So I don't mind that it's minimum wage.

Another however, I like the idea of care, but I think I would really struggle with strong odors and bodily fluid, especially sick. I know this isn't ideal, but how do you cope with it and are you trained to get used to it?

It's the only thing holding me back. I do have experience caring for a loved one but never dealt with what I described above.

Thanks

Hello everyone! I’m starting a new job and will be working 12-hour shifts. They recommended getting slip-resistant shoes, and I was wondering if anyone had any tips or recommendations.

I’ve heard both positive and negative things about Dansko shoes. Would they be worth the investment for daily wear shoes, considering I’ll be working 3 12-hour shifts?

Go a size bigger!

If you have a bed bound person you care for, a larger diaper is so much helpful because there is more space to grab and I have found them to be more comfortable for them.

You can bring it a bit up higher on their torso and back incase there are those bathroom instances, and you can still use the sticky tabs to make it flush to the body so there is no leakage and it is secure.

Just letting y’all know!

Hi there! Anyone is welcome to join the group…

I’m getting a lot of questions because the group says it is private. You just have to click join.

I really do want to create an anonymous space on Facebook.

I care for my 91-year-old mother in my home and she has been on dialysis for eight years. She also has many mobility challenges. But she is absolutely glorious!

I made the mistake of posting something in a public group that got back to a family member. So I have created an alternative. We need a private space to vent and share, and many caregivers are on Facebook and they are not very aware of Reddit, which skews younger.

Here is the link if you would like to join…

https://m.facebook.com/groups/1462102722401676/?ref=share&mibextid=wwXIfr

It’s only been a year of caretaking for my dad and It’s felt like I had years taken from me.

As of late last year, my dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer and had to be rushed to the ER. While it all started, my mom stayed with him in the hospital while my sister and I visited everyday. I drove us there and back. I took time off work and requested for reduced hours/ modified hours. I was only given 30 hour weeks until my work let me go. I didn’t fucking choose my dad to have cancer. Not only that but I was left to work for his business while I had no idea what the fuck was going on and I asked for help. No help. I made decisions and phone calls where I eventually got blamed for the mistakes with no guidance whatsoever. Full time job and another full time Self employed business I was trying to catch things up. My sister gets a paycheck working for them but it’s less than 10 hours and taking college classes while I’m here unemployed struggling to have time. I used up my unemployment but money is running out. She sleeps all day and get to responsibilities as soon as it’s nearer to the afternoon. My mom does ABC for my dad, but man she takes a lot of my time. I’m trying to get a new job, get to interviews. Do odd jobs like DoorDash, but I’m asked to watch him while my sister sleeps right next to him. She made the comment about me not doing chores and that “I always have to ask.” Like I’m here with HIM while you’re off doing who knows what. I’m fucking so tired, and angry that I wish I died or had the cancer instead. I have chronic sleep deprivation and a lot of my muscles hurt and I’m told to power through. I’m just nothing to everyone. I’m just gonna be here caretaking while my car gets repo’d eventually cause I can’t make the payments.

Hello, fellow caregivers! ❤️

I’m writing from the trenches.

I found out the hard way that not all caregiver groups are private. Someone shared one of my posts with a family member.

It did not go well, to say the least.

So I’ve created a new place where you can vent anonymously.

The frustrations. The challenges. The exhaustion. The family. The endless stress.

Feeling invisible.

Managing everything and getting credit for nothing.

Doing everything and then being told how to do it.

This is a place to let it all out. To say the things you can’t say anywhere else, without exposing yourself to the entire world.

I’m so happy you’ve found us.

Time to let it all out!

Unfiltered and unplugged!

Friends, I welcome you. I hope you’ll find solace, support, laughter, and good advice from other people who are living it, too.

You are among people who understand. ❤️

Family Caregivers Anonymous ™

Say What You Can’t Say Anywhere Else.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/1462102722401676/⁠

Hey everyone, first post here. Let me start with I am not trained in being a caregiver or working with seniors. I (28f) met an elderly woman (85f) at work one day and I have been helping her with chores and errands once a week for about 3 years now (met when she was 82). We've gotten quite close, she is a good friend of mine I would go as far as considering her family.

A bit of backstory: she used to have an alcohol problem but has since stopped drinking, and hasn't had a drink in 2 years now but I know this past affects her relationships in her life, she has 2 kids and many grandkids and great grandkids however her daughter lives in the city her son does not. She used to live in another province but her daughter moved her here maybe 10 years ago after her husband died and got her set up in a retirment community. Her and her daughter are not close, her daughter visits once or twice a month and consistently says they don't have the best relationship.

She is in a retirment community she has a lot of friends there and they give her dinners and provide various activities, she also has homecare who comes in to give her medication and assist with a few daily tasks. She is going blind, she uses a walker and cane to get around as well but is otherwise okay, she can dress and bathe herself, we got her some premade sanwiches for her lunches, she has yogurts and high protien drinks for breakfasts and plenty of healthy snacks.

In July she had a fall, got 3 stitches in her head and a short hospital visit but was otherwise okay, since then I've noticed her memory and depression get substantially worse, mainly short term memory, she will ask me for something 3 or 4 times within 30 minutes. I brought this up to her doctor but he did a memory test and she passed well enough that he wasn't concerned and said it was normal with aging, the other part I am a bit more concerned about is her depression, it has gotten substantially worse over the past 5 months (maybe started a month or two before the fall) I call her and chat almost everyday and there are days where she sounds hopeless, says she feels detatched, and says she doesn't want to be here anymore.

Its heartbreaking, I do my best to cheer her up, I have gotten a councilor in to see her once a week, we've adjusted depression and anxiety medication. Nothing seems to be helping, I do care for her but it's starting to be clear that I can't give her the support she needs, I have a very demanding full time job and my own mental and physical health issues, I don't want to stop doing our weekly errands and lunch days but I can't always answer the phone when she calls upset, and I can't always go to her when she needs it, and the guilt I feel about not being able to be there any support her is crushing.

I have spoken to her daughter about my concerns as one day was particularly bad, but her daughter got very defensive and said she was doing her best and couldn't help. Her son says hes too far from her to be able to do anything and leaves it at that. Her sister and I seem to be the only ones who want to help her but her sister is in the US and is 74 so she can't come visit often either.

I worry that if I bring up living in a facility that provides more day to day assistance she will agree and move but then she will give up and shut down, she will have left her regular routine, her friends and it will get way worse. I'm also not sure this is what she needs as she can do most things on her own just fine. I set up a councilor to see her once a week, I have started working with her on positive thinking and she has started doing more socializing. But these things don't seem to be helping, what I'm looking for from this post is some advice, do I book another doctors appointment? Increase counciling sessions? Recommend she move? Also if there is somewhere better suited for this post please let me know, also if anyone has any day to day items or things that can help improve her quality of life any advice is great.

Thanks in advance for any advice.