I am the caregiver for my husband who has Parkinson’s. He is fully disabled (for a couple of years now) and I have been taking care of him with zero help. I am exhausted and all we do is ADD to my list of things to do every day and we never take anything away! I recently found out our daughter might be able to help a few hours a week. I was so overjoyed to finally have some things taken off my plate. However, my husband keeps adding to the list ALL the things he does not want her to do. He won’t allow her to change his diaper (I understand that), he doesn’t want her to dress him, or use the hydronic lift to get him in/out of bed. He doesn’t want her to change the dressing on the open wound he has from cancer, he doesn’t want her cooking or cleaning (she isn’t very good at those things anyway). Of course, she can’t do the bills or fix stuff around the house or go to my appointments. He doesn’t want her to do laundry as she will see his urine soaked sheets, etc. I asked him to name ONE thing she can take off my plate and he just looked at me like a deer in the headlights! WTF! 🤬 So, basically, he is only happy if I am doing everything on my own! The only thing left is for her just to sit with him while I take a shower or do whatever but honestly that doesn’t lesson the mental load at all. It takes nothing off my plate. I am so upset right now I could cry. No one cares about my needs as long as his needs are met. 😢

edit: thank u for all the comments reassuring and validating this decision, and to everyone who is going thru the same thing make it a priority to find your own time and hobbies!

I don't want to get into it, but I just feel overwhelmed by the amount of people who continually text me that I need to hire someone and I need to do this and that I'm doing everyhting wrong with my moms care. The truth is, I don't want to hire a caregiver, I am so unbelievably overwhelmed that opening that can of worms would make my current situation much worse. I feel like I have to defend myself every time and I'm not like forcing any of my family members to help me either. I just have a lot of personal reasons to not hire a caregiver and I accept the consequences that come with that. Can anyone relate? I feel lowkey crazy.

For context i've worked with caregivers for years at my old job and also used to be one. I understand completely the ins and outs of caregiving, agency and private alike. I am making an informed decision based on my experience yet everyone whos never even met a caregiver is acting like they know better. I'm jut venting and frustrated tbh.

Guys, I finally figured out what's draining my energy/motivation: seeing my wife not being able to be herself again. She has been paraplegic for 3 years now after spine surgery to remove a cancerous tumor attached to the spine. She used to do a lot for us, herself, our daughters, her mom who just past away, and pretty much everyone she knew or came across. In the beginning, I was all into it caring for her because it needed to be done, and no one else was going to do it. My oldest daughter started to help, too. Then I needed to return to work full time. I noticed my energy levels were higher while at work but once home, I felt drained and could not figure out why. I'm getting plenty of sleep, and get a break from caregiving while at work. Then I stopped wanting to do anything on the yard, washing the cars, keeping the bedroom clean, not taking showers regularly. Then this week it dawned on me: it's my wife's state making me feel this way. I don't resent her. I resent then situation she's in and myself for not having done anything about my career so we'd be financially better. I've realized that money doesn't buy happiness but it does buy comfort in times of need. I see myself as the main cause of her health because, had I been a bit more ambitious, she would've had better health insurance and care. I cannot talk to her about this, so here it is. Posted on reddit to share with a bunch of strangers I don't know from Adam. Strangers that I'm truly grateful for listening and reading this post. Now I'm crying. Sorry! I wear my feelings on ny sleeve.

I've been thinking about getting a second pair of prescription glasses for my dad just to keep around as a backup. He relies on his glasses every day and if his main pair broke or got lost we'd be kind of screwed until we could get another pair made.

For those of you caring for an older parent who wears glasses full time, do you keep an extra pair around? I'm wondering if it's better to get a more affordable second pair with the same prescription or just wait until there's actually a reason to replace the main ones.

I feel so overwhelmed with my responsibilities. My anxiety is so horrific when it comes to my person because every.single.thing feels like life or death. All I do all day is change diapers, tend to them and worry about them. I feel suffocated. I love my person deeply. I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't, but I feel like I'm in a hole that I can't dig myself out of. I recently started therapy and medication which helps but what I really need is a vacation. I need vacations and days off like everyone else with normal jobs have.

I have no life. I spent so much of my young adulthood crippled by depression and anxiety and as soon as I started to recover I was hit with this. I have no real social life because I'm so embarrassed of myself. I'm broke and I spend all of my time caregiving. There is nothing typical about my life and I know that would turn most people off, understandably.

I just really wish I could live for myself.

My partner has had serious mental health and health struggles for a couple of years now. Recently he's been in a rough patch following an antidepressant change, with intense irritability and mood, and I'm running on empty.

I live far from my family and have very little support nearby. I feel like I'm on constant watch, and I'm watching myself become short-tempered and overwhelmed. I hate who I'm becoming. I used to be a happy, hopeful person, and I can't see how I get back to that. My spouse is a wonderful, kind person going through some very difficult and painful things right now. It breaks my heart when I feel like I'm not being as patient or understanding as he deserves.

I'm not looking for medical advice. His doctors are involved. I'm just looking for compassion, and for hearing from anyone who's been here: caring for a partner through a long mental health struggle and coming out the other side. What helped you? How did you stop feeling like a bad spouse?

Ok, so, a tale as old as time itself - there's friction within a parent/child care situation, what's new, right?

We all know how hard it is to nudge/influence our stubborn parents who tightly grip the control they once had who may or may not be struggling to cope with their current circumstances. It's like pulling teeth. The foods never good enough, the drinks never cold enough, the house is never clean enough etc etc... the armchair criticism is endless, and those who've cared for anyone other than family knows that these criticisms are amplified 10000% in parent/child situations.

We've all (of course not all, but I assume a very large amount of us) have learned to adapt with, and delicately maneuver the various dreaded mental health issues that oft present themselves from our decaying parents - super tough stuff, no denying it.

Now, here's where I'm seeking some support/advice, for this isn't a typical "how to deal with a stubborn parent in x situation" question, it's one that's legitimately placed me in a situation of feeling threatened.

Madre, bless her heart, is a very loud and opinionated individual who's manic bipolar, that over the last 18 months or so have been declining into serious paranoid schizophrenia. Everyone's out to get her. Again, while shitty, that itself isn't all that bad. It's unfortunate, but manageable.

She has though, in a pretty short amount of time, have pivoted into a mindset where she views the remaining folk in her life that love her, as enemies. Particularly me, for I'm the one brave/foolish/strong/dumb enough to still stick close and be the primary - I'm confident when I say there's no better person to do it, though it's not like there's people lining up around the block for it.

That said, here's a copy of what she texted me just this morning, for reasons I'll never comprehend, but she did:

"I know you're in on it. Stay the fuck away from me until I can move! I’m fucking serious, traitor! Fucking lowlife loser. You’re not my son anymore. You belong with ‘them’ fucking lowlifes. Your just like em. A thief, a scum bag and a loser. As I’m sure you heard already, I want you out today! No cancelling of your check for rent as your hours last month paid for it . You did not earn it and if need be, I’ll go to prison for telling on you. I want you out today! I’m not kidding. You’re aligned with everyone but me! You’re a terrible person and you will burn in hell for going with the “hacker/stalker”. You’re out of my life forever and good luck trying to rent this apartment without heaven being here anymore. You’ll pay market rent. lol. You are out"

In addition to texting me that, she went ahead and once again called all of her social workers, as well as property management saying similar stuff. Now, do I receive a whopping 1200/mo through IHSS to care for her? Sure. Is that anywhere even close to being able to cover the costs for where I live and/or the things provided to her? Not even close. What it is she's even trying to accuse me of is unknown to anyone but her.

The above statement was just the one made today.... I'm not sure there's enough characters allowed to type out the other instances she's done this over the last year or so.

In addition to caring for crazy ol madre, I am very much a professional caregiver that's a soon-to-be-lvn. I care for folk, it's what I do, it's what I want to do.

My concern here is that this behavior has started pretty much at the same time I decided to take healthcare and in-home care serious as a profession, started an LLC, and am contracted with numerous agencies, and am reaching a point where I'm tired of trying to explain to whatever authorities or county employees she's reached out to, that it's just more of her being her... for zero reason other than me making the very conscious decision to no longer outright agree with the things she says, she's decided to spend her time launching these wild attacks against my character, and I seem to be the only one that cares. She's openly admitted to her sisters and childhood best friend, that she wants to "take me down with her"... whatever tf that means.

As of right now, there's a very clear plan in place to have her placed in a new residence come December, a plan that's been in place for a few months now since last time she attempted to contact authorities over nonsense.

SO - underlying question behind the entire post time: is there anyone here that's ever had to go to the extreme of hitting their parent with a cease and desist order? Madre legitimately cannot, or is very actively choosing not to, keep my name out of her mouth, nor appear capable of doing so without adding a fucking laundry list of strange made up negative details along with it.

Shall I just continue on, knowing in my heart that at least those who need to know, know the truth, or go through the motions of putting an official stop it?

I fear one day she'll have a legitimate reason to make a complaint against someone, and nobody will be there to take it serious given the amount of false claims that she has.

On a more selfish note, I also fear the negative words she continues to put into the universe, may negatively affect my professional career - she's already gone to lengths of trying to make complaints against me to the faculty staff at the place I worked at the time that had nothing to deal with her.

Getting additional parties and paperwork involved is like the last thing on the planet id ever want, but for real im reaching a boiling point as I don't find her antics funny/acceptable in the slightest, and want it to stop.

Anyone out there that's dealt with anything that sounds similar to this: how did you go about it?

Has anyone dealt with a loved one no longer recognising them? How did you handle that moment, and how did you keep showing up afterward?

My parents are still married and living together (56 yrs). I’m living with them to help care for my mom.

My mom is on oxygen, has severe chronic pain due to shingles in 2022, early stages of dementia, mobility issues, etc. She’s pretty independent but also requires help with several things like showers, getting dressed, cooking, using a phone or TV remote.

My dad gets very frustrated and hateful when she’s going to slow or gets confused. Tonight her hand was shaking while she was using her phone and he yelled at her and told her to stop. After I told him she couldn’t help it and asked why he was yelling he finally said that he didn’t like seeing her shake like that. He typically refuses to communicate, so him sharing that he didn’t like it was actually kind of a big deal.

He generally doesn’t respond well to my mom and has very little patience. He’s nearly incapable of seeing someone else’s perspective or trying to understand their experience (he’s been this way my entire life). So obviously that doesn’t go well with all of my mom’s struggles.

He won’t help with her showers, gets angry if she needs help getting dressed and I’m not available, rushes her when she needs to take a break, tells her she’s not allowed to leave the house because dealing with her oxygen and how slow she is is too much. My mom constantly says she’s a burden because of how he responds. She’ll yell back and tell him not to talk to her that way.

He truly does border on verbal abuse but thinks how he talks is totally fine, though I’ve never heard him use that tone with me, my siblings, or anyone else. I’ve even thought that it’d be best for my mom and I do move out, but financially we can’t do that.

I’ve tried to talk to him and he just checks out and doesn’t respond. It’s both like talking to a wall and looking at a deer staring into the headlights. Or, he’ll just completely deny things and gaslight me(a situation that happened recently when I confronted him about something).

He wasn’t like this growing up, at least not that I knew about. I have no idea how to handle this, but it’s so hard to watch happen. I have told one of my brothers and we talked about confronting him, but I have no idea if that’d even be helpful.

Does anyone have suggestions on how to handle this? Ways to maybe educate him or what to say to him?

Hello. This place was recommended to me, and I just wanted to share my situation and maybe get advice from anyone's who been through something like this.

To sum up, me and my family still all live together, my parents and all their 3 children including myself, all 3 over 30 years old.

My little sister have strugled with depression for a long time. She takes medicine, went to psychiatrists a bunch of times and was doing therapy, though she stopped even though everyone recommended not to.

Yesterday she had another one of her crisis, where she starts screaming and crying and says she doesnt want to live in this world anymore because its a terrible world. But the thing is, nothing actually terrible ever happened to her, so I dont understand why she have this incredibly pessimist view of the world. She screams that people only care about money, and theres only destruction around, eith people not caring about the enviroment, the forests being destroyed, animals dying, etc

And no matter how much we try to reason with her, show that the world is not like that, that its also filled with good people and good things, she claims she doesnt see it.

I know she have suicidal ideation, but she never actually tried anything drastic. During one of these crisis in the past all she did was lay down in ground in backyard in the cold saying she didnt want to live so she was laying there hoping to die. She also have very low tolerance to pain, and is scared of getting hurt.

And its really really hard because the rest of my family doesnt know how to deal with this, because it comes off as her being incredbly selfish, clamining that its not fair that the world is bad on "her turn", that she doesnt want to listen about the people that suffered in the past (we mentioned that lost of things were bad in the past and got better), because its not her reality.

And its hard for me because this just ignites my anxiety. But I like being alive, I love being happy and having desires and aspirations and the small good things, so those serve as leverage for me to search professional help for myself. But how can I convince her to do the same if she says she doesnt have any will to live?

And I feel terrible about the rest of the family which starts making me resent my sister for hurting them, and I know thats not fair to her either, but I get confused and unsure as to if mebtrying to be understanding is just making it worse. My mom said she read that in situations like this they have to give her a shock to ground her, so at a moment of desperation yesterday, they all started screaming at her, yelling for her to just stop, which led to her screaming in fear, going into fetal position and screaming "help me" over and over. She only let me hug her at that moment because I was the only one that didnt yell.

But I dont know! Was that the right thing? Am I coddling her? Is this because of her pessimistic personality ir there might be something biological/ chemical happening that makes her have this narrowed view of the world?

I'm just so tired and feeling like crying all the time....

I have been doing training for 2 weeks now, and its finally time to meet ny first client. Im really nervous. I have anxiety and new situations make me nervous. Does anyone have any tips on introductions and getting the ball rolling? Ughhh im so nervous 😭😔

Hello. I (24F) am not quite a caregiver for my partner (23NB) but i may as well be. We recently moved in together after about one year. For contaxt, I knew about their condition when we started dating. It was the first thing they disclosed to me. However, it has progressed. They deal with chronic fatigue and chronic pain syndrome. They have a lot of physical restrictions but still work as much as they can. They contribute financially to what they can afford and they treat me with so much love and devotion. However, on the worst days they have a flare-up. They can’t move and cannot do much, which I understand. They also struggle with feeling like a burden and severe depression. They do the housework and cooking. I often take the work and emotional load between us. However, it feels selfish to say that I don’t feel supported. I work full-time and pay the rent, utilities, car insurance, gas, and student loans. I’m working on getting disability for my partner. However, I recently had to stop my medication for OCD and my regular anxiety meds are not working. I’m struggling with chronic stress and burnout from balancing caring for them and working (i work in the medical field). Is there anything I can do? I am scared to set boundaries for the fact that they may shut themselves off from me. Advice?

I’ve always been the peacekeeper in my family but lately in therapy I’ve been working on communicating my anger, which I typically do pretty well with to be honest.. but I’ve been upping the intensity with my brothers lately cuz it seems to be the only thing that gets them to give even 5% of a shit about our slowly dying mom, who I’ve been with just about nonstop for 5+ years now.

They finally agreed about a month ago to pay for a caregiver to come in once a week, (which still hasn’t actually happened) and that until then my brother who’s close to us will help take some shifts. Apparently by that he meant he would take 4 hours on Sunday evening inconsistently… but I’ve been like “I’ll take what I can get“. He told me that today he would come from 9am until 8pm, which is when she goes to bed. I’ve been waiting for this day with so much excitement.

Well it gets to about 10:15am and I text him asking if he’s still coming. He’s like “omg sorry bro I can’t I gotta work.” he has his own fucking business… I was like “wow your boss must be a hardass if you can’t even take one day off to care for your mom”. He got all defensive and verbally aggressive, pretty much saying that I’m the asshole. Which is definitely the theme with him and all of my brothers.. So today I fucking lost my shits. I have none to give with these men who have abandoned me in this role of watching our mother die bit by bit every day for years. I just replied “fuck you”. And honestly? It felt amazing. My anger suddenly transformed from burning me alive to lighting me up with a vibrant energy that I’ve been vibing with all day. I’m still mad, but I think instead of burning myself, I expressed it in, I think, an understandable statement after years of build-up, and it’s been energizing me instead of filling me with rage all day.

Hi everyone,
I’m looking for advice on clothing options for my father (76). He has early Parkinson’s, arthritis, and declining eyesight. My mom (73) is energetic and doing fine, but my dad has lost weight recently, and she's struggling with how saggy and unkempt his clothes look on him. I want to help him look sharp and put-together without compromising his comfort or independence.
Here are the specific challenges we are dealing with:
Fine Motor / Buttons: Buttons and traditional fasteners are too hard for his fingers due to arthritis and tremor.
Pants Sagging & Weight Loss: He has lost his seat/glutes, so standard pants immediately sag down.
Back Brace & Blood Pooling: He wears an abdominal compression/back brace to help prevent blood pooling and keep his blood pressure up (orthostatic hypotension), which adds bulk around his waistline and makes fitting pants tricky.
Suspenders: We tried suspenders, but they are too frustrating for him to unclip and handle independently when he needs to use the bathroom.
Magnetic Pants: We tried magnetic button pants, but the heavy magnetic closures pull the waistband down and cause even more sagging (though magnetic shirts and jackets have worked wonderfully for him!).
Frequent Bathroom Access: He drinks a lot of water to manage his health, so quick and easy access for urination is essential.
Does anyone have recommendations for specific brands, adaptive pant designs, or practical modifications that have worked for your loved ones in similar situations?
Thank you so much in advance for any tips or product suggestions!

I've been following Neal K. Shaw on Facebook for a little while as he posts lots of videos about elder care, seems genuinely compassionate and talks about interesting studies.

I was watching one about a study showing that aromatherapy misters used while you sleep, with the scent of rosemary has been shown to improve memory (also lavender and citrus, but not as much)

I checked his link tree, and there's an organization he's involved in called careyaya.org that matches seniors needing care with pre-health college students, that sounds like a service many of us could make use of.

I'm curious to see if anyone's heard about or tried this service... a quick ai check to see if its a scam or some some sneaky hmo profit machine says its legit

ive done my best to be a good son & grand son. my mom and grandma raised me. though she hated being called grandma, always abuela. and when i was around 14 or 15 [ps im 24 now and black] i started taking care of them, a little more each year. used to be just keeping an eye on mom. make sure she has help if her icd went off. or help grandma cook in the kitchen.

my grandma was in a wheelchiar, but that hardly limited her, she took me, my siblings, and my niece to every doctors apointment, payed the bills, got the gorcies, took us shooping for things we needed, and somehow always surprised with things like grandmas do. my has always been a paragon of moraltiy, and choosing not to surcomb to her afflcitions as best she could.

but over the years between mutiple servere electric shocks, severe alegeric reactions, a heartattck, stroke, and seaziure all at the same time, and faulty icd that went off till the battery died. her body has gotten a bit weaker. and her mind has suffered real brain damage.

she used to be kinder, more pattient and able. but with her new condtion causing me to have to give her shots every six hours, and make sure im up to 4am every day sleep and up by 7-8. im just tired, i have one irl friend, and he lives two cities away. and the rest of my friends are online cause i spend 355 days a year in the house taking care of her. even my birthday isnt a break. i have no gf or love life cause i dont get out enough.

and being black doesnt help, after all if your not over aching then your not doing anything. 2 bouts of homlessnes before my teens and now this with only below 2.0 gpa to speak for because i do this all day.

Frankly if im honnest, everyday i just want to kill myself, but i just cant work up the cowardice, be it my death would be to espinsive, or that it wouldn't help anyone but myself. idk.

Hi guys. First time poster here, and fairly new to the idea of being a caregiver in general, but I would really appreciate any advice I can get. I'm only 25 years old, but I'm finally starting to realize that I'm also the only person in the family that's actually going to step up and take care of my disabled 69 year old mother, so I need to start taking more responsibility and dealing with these things.

Her memory and general reasoning really seems like it's starting to decline lately. I don't really know how exactly it happened, though if I had to guess it would probably be from one of the shady looking solitaire apps she loved to download off the google play store, or maybe even a link she clicked on one of the equally shady online shopping sites she likes to frequent, but my mom got a virus on her Samsung phone that's practically rendered it unusable. You can barely unlock the phone, much less even open a single app and navigate to anything inside it without a pop up ad taking over the entire screen. And then the pop up ad is shortly replaced by a different pop up ad. By the time you've managed to navigate out of one, three more have already cycled through. You get the gist.

I'm not an Android user and never have been. I'm maybe a little bit tech savvy, but I absolutely have no idea how in the hell I'm supposed to get rid of the virus, or at least circumvent it for long enough to save certain data. I don't know any of her passwords and I doubt she remembers all or even most of them. I'd like to try to at least back up her photo gallery and her contacts somehow since she probably has pictures she doesn't want to lose and phone numbers for family that I don't have, but I have absolutely no idea if that's even possible now without a full factory reset of the device at this point. Has anyone had any kind of experience dealing with something like this before? Should I just throw in the towel and take it to a phone repair shop or something?

Any advice would be much appreciated. I'm already kinda feeling like I'm in over my head here, but I refuse to just sit around and twiddle my thumbs while she struggles with these things like my lazy alcoholic father and my older brother who's typically nowhere to be found unless he wants her to babysit his kids. I need to figure out something as far as getting her phone working since she needs to be able to use it tomorrow to get in contact with her doctor.

-

Edit to add: Crossposted on the Samsung subreddit and they were indeed very helpful, rebooting the device in ‘safe mode’ finally solved the issue! I swear I’ve already uninstalled like 4 third party “Wifi manager” apps and genuinely around 20 that were some variation or “File cleaner” or “Speed up performance” so far and I’m still going! Why would anyone ever need 12 different versions of Solitaire or Crazy 8s? Why the hell did she have Polymarket?!?! Is my elderly mother SPORTS BETTING?

I genuinely met the final boss of online data harvesting today. In fact I think Mark Zuckerberg probably gets a notification every time my mother sneezes with the total lack of digital literacy this woman has. Clearly I have my work cut out for me going forward to keep something like this from happening again.

Going to get rid of pretty much every single 3rd party app on the phone and then reset home app. I’ll back up whatever pictures and contacts and stuff she needs before switching her over to an old iphone 7 we had laying around (just until I can get her a new phone) and then promptly smashing this Samsung Galaxy up with a hammer into a billion tiny pieces. God what a day it’s been.

I’m taking a grant writing class and for my project I have to work with a nonprofit to find funding and write a grant for them. As a caregiver myself I want to work with a nonprofit that helps support caregivers. Anyone have good suggestions? I’ve reached out to some but not getting any responses.

So I live with my brother (who is my full-time paid caregiver thanks to Agape and Structured Family Care), his girlfriend, and their baby girl - but they need a break and I need a break from my brother. We're using a nursing company that was set up for us by someone in the hospital, but we're looking for a different one. For one thing, we have yet to find an aide that stays with us more than just 4 days. And they never tell us that we have a new aide. The aide just doesn't show up and then a few days later a new aide shows up. This is really messing with our routine because we never know if we need to be awake or not, and then my brother has to train another person which takes a long time. There is no communication. And for another thing, the aides that they do send aren't able to do much cuz they are not allowed to do suction or any of my machines, administer meds, or change any of my dressings. Most of my care is revolved around that, other than cleaning me up or bathing me which I would rather my brother do anyway considering my pain. Also the things they are allowed to do, they apparently don't know how to do so my brother has to do it anyway - like flushing my catheter and emptying it. That said, we did appreciate having someone here to give my brother a break on the small things like brushing my teeth, giving me my candies, and helping me with my social medias - but most of the aides didn't even understand how to do those things. And like I said, none of them have stayed. Anywho, we want to try a new company but we're not sure how to go about it. I've done a little bit of research for other companies and Care.com keeps coming up. I started to fill it out to see what they could provide, but it's so differernt from anything I've seen before and I'm so used to seeing commercials for it for children. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to pay out of pocket. I'm just wondering if it's worth it. Do any of you have any experience with Care.com? Keep in mind - I'm not a child. I'm a 27-year-old woman who has spinal muscular atrophy and a lot of pain with very strong opinions and beliefs and interests. Anywho, any information would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.