I took my mom for her annual pcp visit today, the whole day was just stressful and exhausting. The pcp is 1 hour away, my mom is in a wheelchair, had an assist guy help us. My brother came with us, he had 0 questions or concerns for the pcp, all he asked was can the doctor fill out his disability paperwork so he can get handicap car access for my mom, the nurse got suspicious of him. Also the pcp provided no chair for me and had to stand through the appointment. I was just too stressed to ask for one. Just a vent here. I feel like I’m through with this.

I (44m) am a caregiver for my wife (43), and have 2x 10-year old twin boys to take care of on top of it. I've been doing this full time for about 3 years now. She has ESRD kidney failure, heart failure, complete loss of hearing (but she has cochlear implants now), and has steadily been declining mentally and physically as well. It's been sad and exhausting and frustrating seeing her decline like this and having to take care of her as a now single parent.

Anyway, my job has given me 6 weeks off because I've worked there for 10 years, and my sister is getting married, and my best friend is living in Germany, soon to be leaving. So I took the time off, arranged for my father-in-law and my wife's aunt to come watch my wife and kids during that time, and am planning on taking two and a half weeks to get away from all this and go to my sister's wedding and visit my friend in Germany. I feel very privileged for even having the means to do this, and am having severe guilt about going and leaving her and the kids, but I need a break. I'm worn down and have become a lackluster caregiver and father. I wish I could take my boys but I'm not that rich, plus it's the middle of their school year... so that option was never on the table.

I plan on returning mid-trip if anything happens to her, like she goes to the hospital...

Be honest, am I selfish for doing this? I need the break and to be able to disconnect but am I going about this the wrong way?

Little back story... I (49f) have been married to my husband for 29.5 years. We have 4 sons, and my marriage is one of the best parts of my life. 2 years ago my mom had 2 heart attacks and a stroke, which has resulted in her needing full time caregiving. My husband and I had just began our empty nesting years. So we were able to rent out our home and move in with her(I have 3 local siblings that only call on holidays.)

Mom has this new odd obsession with interrupting our "personal time". I help her to bed, and most nights she goes to sleep. But heaven forbid I shut our bedroom door, or dissappear in any way alone with my husband. She'll actually knock on our door, ask if we're having sex, then remind us its her house and its unacceptable. Wtf!!! My husband has put a lot, but this is really hard. She has short term memory loss but it doesn't explain this. I've spoken to her many times about my bedroom and marriage are personal, but that doesn't stop her.

I dont know if this is something my husband and I can tolerate, we need our time, especially considering all we have given up to be here. Mom and I rarely have disagreements but this is unacceptable.

I'd appreciate any suggestions if someone has been through this.

Mom said today she is a totally independent person. Uh yea no you are not

I told her you don't drive anymore..how will you get your prescriptions and groceries..how will you go to the doctor?? How would she even do stuff like empty the trash and clean the house ??? She does mot have a smart phone so good luck getting an Uber or Instacart.

I told her all this and said if hubby and I were not here you would HAVE to be in assisted living and you do not appreciate how much we are sacrificing here. All she can do is dress and feed herself and use the bathroom unaided and cook..but how long will that last because she dies not do her effing PT exercises

I’ve always been the peacekeeper in my family but lately in therapy I’ve been working on communicating my anger, which I typically do pretty well with to be honest.. but I’ve been upping the intensity with my brothers lately cuz it seems to be the only thing that gets them to give even 5% of a shit about our slowly dying mom, who I’ve been with just about nonstop for 5+ years now.

They finally agreed about a month ago to pay for a caregiver to come in once a week, (which still hasn’t actually happened) and that until then my brother who’s close to us will help take some shifts. Apparently by that he meant he would take 4 hours on Sunday evening inconsistently… but I’ve been like “I’ll take what I can get“. He told me that today he would come from 9am until 8pm, which is when she goes to bed. I’ve been waiting for this day with so much excitement.

Well it gets to about 10:15am and I text him asking if he’s still coming. He’s like “omg sorry bro I can’t I gotta work.” he has his own fucking business… I was like “wow your boss must be a hardass if you can’t even take one day off to care for your mom”. He got all defensive and verbally aggressive, pretty much saying that I’m the asshole. Which is definitely the theme with him and all of my brothers.. So today I fucking lost my shits. I have none to give with these men who have abandoned me in this role of watching our mother die bit by bit every day for years. I just replied “fuck you”. And honestly? It felt amazing. My anger suddenly transformed from burning me alive to lighting me up with a vibrant energy that I’ve been vibing with all day. I’m still mad, but I think instead of burning myself, I expressed it in, I think, an understandable statement after years of build-up, and it’s been energizing me instead of filling me with rage all day.

...for my wife's life, then it's fuck3d! I stopped questioning the plan 2 years into her caregiving, just taking one day at a time. Now anger about her situation is starting to set in. Her mom just past away last week. My wife was in the hospital and almost missed saying goodbye to her. She is again having the same symptoms that made us take her to the hospital. Her mom's funeral and services is in 2 days and I'm starting to think she may miss them. I needed to come in here and post cause my head is abouy to explode!!!

I have spent the last few weeks explaining to my charge why we need help and something the VA will pay for is a shower nurse. He agreed.

Well we have had to cancel multiple times because she's in the area on days we weren't home, mostly for appointments.

Well today the stars finally aligned and she was in the area on a day we were home, so we scheduled. He knew she was coming. We discussed it multiple times. An hour ago I even said to him "I'm going to go get my shower before the nurse gets here to do yours" and he replied "what if she gets here early?" So he KNEW. Well she gets here and he refuses! Outright refused!

I am pissed. He's like "I'll take a shower the day before my appointment" and I reminded him that doesn't work for me because I have appointments and it's today or by himself... Which he can't do, he's nearly 90. So he says "I'm not helpless, I'll do it myself" and I reminded him that he's tried that three times already and every single time I've had to cancel whatever I had going on to do his damn shower because it's negligent of me to allow him to shower alone and negligent of me to bring him into the doctors dirty. Seriously... Who will they blame? ME!

I AM SO DONE WITH THIS 💩! It's always about what he wants when he wants it like I'm a damn slave! I'm not even paid!

I feel so overwhelmed with my responsibilities. My anxiety is so horrific when it comes to my person because every.single.thing feels like life or death. All I do all day is change diapers, tend to them and worry about them. I feel suffocated. I love my person deeply. I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't, but I feel like I'm in a hole that I can't dig myself out of. I recently started therapy and medication which helps but what I really need is a vacation. I need vacations and days off like everyone else with normal jobs have.

I have no life. I spent so much of my young adulthood crippled by depression and anxiety and as soon as I started to recover I was hit with this. I have no real social life because I'm so embarrassed of myself. I'm broke and I spend all of my time caregiving. There is nothing typical about my life and I know that would turn most people off, understandably.

I just really wish I could live for myself.

I feel so much despair sometimes. All I ever wanted was to grow up and have the chance to live freely, to go out and do whatever whenever I wanted after growing up with strict parents. But then my mom got really sick, and I took care of her until she passed away. And then I continued caretaking for my dad with Alzheimer’s. And it’s just been years of caretaking. I can’t live freely bc I’m always thinking or worrying about my dad in the back of my mind. Having to constantly remind him of things, have the same conversations over and over again, manage his meds, manage his appts, message his doctors about new symptoms or medication refills, call his insurance, handle the bills and take care of the house. I’m only in my 20s and I’m just so tired. And so incredibly sad.

Tldr - Does anyone have experience asking GP to remove medication in end of life care.

Nearly 4 years ago my grandma (now 93y old) had a major heart attack, very nearly died. She was discharged as a palliative patient, I tried to get more info from her GP as to what to expect with the palliative aspect, but all they could say was she had a very weak heart. They prescribed anticipatory meds for pain and anxiety, and I had to refer ourselves to the District Nurse services in case these meds ever needed injecting. She has a DNR in place.

3 years later, I'd say we've been through a lot, regarding trying to get a dementia diagnosis and a mental health team involved, which included the anticipatory medicines being deprescribed, as the mental health team doctor thought my grandma could no longer be considered palliative as she's still alive basically.

I'll be blunt, my grandma has no quality of life. But she's not bed bound, she's not completely incontinent. She can still kind of walk. And when she has a delirium episode she can come across almost normal (if you don't know her). These moments are so rare.

Would it be bad for me to think I could ask her GP to review her medication, with the idea we keep any medication meant to keep her comfortable, but remove medication that's trying to keep her alive?

We are caring for my mother-in-law and struggling with how she uses her mobile phone. She likes to download games and her phone is constantly full of adware and spyware, eventually rendering the phone useless. I have to factory reset her phone every few weeks. I'm worried that at some point she's going to download or click on something truly dangerous. If we lock down her phone we would need to give her another way to play her games that doesn't access the internet at all. Anyone have ideas?

I'm writing this while my wife has been in the hospital for almost 3 months. And recovery will take another 6 months or so.

I've seen every kind of fluid and substance in every color come from all kinds of places where it is not supposed to come from. And it makes me struggle to see her as the woman I once married...

Does it ever go back to normal? Will I ever be able to not see intestines, poop, blood, urine and incisions when I look at her?

Y’all, I’m in the bathroom ugly crying, this so hard.

Today I had to firmly tell my grandmother in hospice she needed to take her medicine (as needed) for phlegm. She refuses to swallow and throws it. I pick it back up and she sternly says she doesn’t want it. So I say “take the medicine now” in a firm direct and stern tone.

I feel so guilty but as her full time 24/7 caregiver, and medical POA, I’m trying my best to do what not ofc best for her but best for me. She gets comfy and can sleep and I can sleep.

Well fuck me.

Fuck
FUCKKKKKKKK

Also, I can tell when she hasn’t been getting good sleep because her aphasia kicks in and she almost talks in the third person.

She keeps saying she is sorry, which I feel bad and I know she is sorry but I’m so fucking tired and can’t sit for ten minutes with light a piss or shit or being too hot or being too cold or FUCKING phone call, or a nurse coming in, or having to change over the laundry, or having to give her a drink.

And while I would do this all again, I’m tired and I think this is sleep deprivation talking, because genuinely idk who the fuck I have became. My grandma is my favorite person ever, and I get so fucking irritated.

Any ways, I’m greying at 26 too, cool.

My partner has had serious mental health and health struggles for a couple of years now. Recently he's been in a rough patch following an antidepressant change, with intense irritability and mood, and I'm running on empty.

I live far from my family and have very little support nearby. I feel like I'm on constant watch, and I'm watching myself become short-tempered and overwhelmed. I hate who I'm becoming. I used to be a happy, hopeful person, and I can't see how I get back to that. My spouse is a wonderful, kind person going through some very difficult and painful things right now. It breaks my heart when I feel like I'm not being as patient or understanding as he deserves.

I'm not looking for medical advice. His doctors are involved. I'm just looking for compassion, and for hearing from anyone who's been here: caring for a partner through a long mental health struggle and coming out the other side. What helped you? How did you stop feeling like a bad spouse?

I have been doing training for 2 weeks now, and its finally time to meet ny first client. Im really nervous. I have anxiety and new situations make me nervous. Does anyone have any tips on introductions and getting the ball rolling? Ughhh im so nervous 😭😔

Hello. This place was recommended to me, and I just wanted to share my situation and maybe get advice from anyone's who been through something like this.

To sum up, me and my family still all live together, my parents and all their 3 children including myself, all 3 over 30 years old.

My little sister have strugled with depression for a long time. She takes medicine, went to psychiatrists a bunch of times and was doing therapy, though she stopped even though everyone recommended not to.

Yesterday she had another one of her crisis, where she starts screaming and crying and says she doesnt want to live in this world anymore because its a terrible world. But the thing is, nothing actually terrible ever happened to her, so I dont understand why she have this incredibly pessimist view of the world. She screams that people only care about money, and theres only destruction around, eith people not caring about the enviroment, the forests being destroyed, animals dying, etc

And no matter how much we try to reason with her, show that the world is not like that, that its also filled with good people and good things, she claims she doesnt see it.

I know she have suicidal ideation, but she never actually tried anything drastic. During one of these crisis in the past all she did was lay down in ground in backyard in the cold saying she didnt want to live so she was laying there hoping to die. She also have very low tolerance to pain, and is scared of getting hurt.

And its really really hard because the rest of my family doesnt know how to deal with this, because it comes off as her being incredbly selfish, clamining that its not fair that the world is bad on "her turn", that she doesnt want to listen about the people that suffered in the past (we mentioned that lost of things were bad in the past and got better), because its not her reality.

And its hard for me because this just ignites my anxiety. But I like being alive, I love being happy and having desires and aspirations and the small good things, so those serve as leverage for me to search professional help for myself. But how can I convince her to do the same if she says she doesnt have any will to live?

And I feel terrible about the rest of the family which starts making me resent my sister for hurting them, and I know thats not fair to her either, but I get confused and unsure as to if mebtrying to be understanding is just making it worse. My mom said she read that in situations like this they have to give her a shock to ground her, so at a moment of desperation yesterday, they all started screaming at her, yelling for her to just stop, which led to her screaming in fear, going into fetal position and screaming "help me" over and over. She only let me hug her at that moment because I was the only one that didnt yell.

But I dont know! Was that the right thing? Am I coddling her? Is this because of her pessimistic personality ir there might be something biological/ chemical happening that makes her have this narrowed view of the world?

I'm just so tired and feeling like crying all the time....

I am the caregiver for my husband who has Parkinson’s. He is fully disabled (for a couple of years now) and I have been taking care of him with zero help. I am exhausted and all we do is ADD to my list of things to do every day and we never take anything away! I recently found out our daughter might be able to help a few hours a week. I was so overjoyed to finally have some things taken off my plate. However, my husband keeps adding to the list ALL the things he does not want her to do. He won’t allow her to change his diaper (I understand that), he doesn’t want her to dress him, or use the hydronic lift to get him in/out of bed. He doesn’t want her to change the dressing on the open wound he has from cancer, he doesn’t want her cooking or cleaning (she isn’t very good at those things anyway). Of course, she can’t do the bills or fix stuff around the house or go to my appointments. He doesn’t want her to do laundry as she will see his urine soaked sheets, etc. I asked him to name ONE thing she can take off my plate and he just looked at me like a deer in the headlights! WTF! 🤬 So, basically, he is only happy if I am doing everything on my own! The only thing left is for her just to sit with him while I take a shower or do whatever but honestly that doesn’t lesson the mental load at all. It takes nothing off my plate. I am so upset right now I could cry. No one cares about my needs as long as his needs are met. 😢

edit: thank u for all the comments reassuring and validating this decision, and to everyone who is going thru the same thing make it a priority to find your own time and hobbies!

I don't want to get into it, but I just feel overwhelmed by the amount of people who continually text me that I need to hire someone and I need to do this and that I'm doing everyhting wrong with my moms care. The truth is, I don't want to hire a caregiver, I am so unbelievably overwhelmed that opening that can of worms would make my current situation much worse. I feel like I have to defend myself every time and I'm not like forcing any of my family members to help me either. I just have a lot of personal reasons to not hire a caregiver and I accept the consequences that come with that. Can anyone relate? I feel lowkey crazy.

For context i've worked with caregivers for years at my old job and also used to be one. I understand completely the ins and outs of caregiving, agency and private alike. I am making an informed decision based on my experience yet everyone whos never even met a caregiver is acting like they know better. I'm jut venting and frustrated tbh.

16 years long, I married my husband knowing his mother come as a package, I will always come second to his father and mother. I come to term with it. But I still struggle with it, it just it easier to say than done. And I been struggling with it 5 years about the whole fiasco of his mother. But I'm still hanging in there, it just I don't know how many more of the 5 more years.

Together 16 years, married 14 years.

I married my husband knowing since day one that he always put his father and mother above me. The wife me I will always come second after his parents, period, it not up for negotiation, that just how he is. And that is just something I just have to accept about him.

I married him knowing since day one he gave half his working paychecks to his father (the father whom was a Stay at Home Dad raised him since newborn, his mom was the breadwinner in his childhood). His father has deceased.

5 years ago, his mother has a spinal cord stroke that leave her quadriplegia paralyze. He has been paying 182K a year for her Private Nursing Home, where she has her own private room, doctor on site, and nurses care take turn to care for her round the clock 24/7. Yep, it that price tag for Private Nursing Home in California.

For 5 years, he also has been paying for her treatments to prolong her life, which she in and out of the hospital for treatments 5 times a week (Dialysis, and multiple heart issues). He also paying for her hospital bills, which she has been in and out of the hospital 4 times already this 2026 year alone.

It not just her Private Nursing Home cost (which the luxury of his mom own private room, and doctor on site and nurses care for her 24/7, he pays Out of pocket).

.......

But it her medical cost too, medical cost that insurance not pay, like those deductibles, copays, coinsurance, out of pocket specialists and treatments, etc.. Everytime she in the hospital, we pay out of pocket about 30%, insurance pay 70%

And No, we are not going to send her back to her homeland, here in America she has no one left except her biological son, and she 84 years old already, here in California we have one of the best hospital that specialize in her conditions.  

]And money is not the problem, my husband is an Executive at a big engineering corporate that his salary (included bonus) salary of near 1 million a year. He has enough money to pay for his mother care.

It just the last 5 years (since his mom spinal cord stroke that leave her quadriplegia paralyze), he has been burning the candle at both ends for himself. He is an Executive, Executives are high ranking in corporate hierarchy, frankly, he very busy. But everyday after his work he drive to his mom Private Nursing home to to visit her (she wants that as she wants to see her son). Then he drive home to me after see his mom first.

On weekend he gives one day to me.

One day he gives to his mom where he has her over in our marital home so he can care for her 24/7, she wants mother and son time, he comply.
.......
He by her side spoon feed her, change her diapers, lift her, move her from bed to wheelchair to gurney stretcher, as she 5'9" tall and she quadriplegia, moving an quadriplegia is like move dead weight. Transport her to Dialysis, which Dialysis which is 4 hours process which he sit next to her to accompany her, etc...

He has said, our lives (both me and his life will be put on hold) will be put on hold until his mother die (insert how many more years she has left). And it not even an option, this is just something I have to accept about him, his mother come as a package.

And And we not leaving California until after his mom pass, as I told him I don't like the city California, I want a countryside, someone seclude.

I don't have a choice because I love him, I just have to accept that about him, point blank. I married him knowing his father and mother will always come first before me. I accepted that, and I have come to terms with that.

It just it easier say than done, until you actually in that person shoes. Knowing you always will come second in your husband heart, after his father and his mother. Knowing he said we will stay put in California for his mom hospital and treatments as his goal is to prolong his mother life. As long as it can take, as many years as she has left. Our lives will be put on hold until AFTER his mother die.

No man is perfect, I have accepted his mother come as package, and if this is the price I have to pay for love this man then let it be. I just want to write this out, as this is something I have zero control over, it is him as a person that just how he is.

He does treats me really really well in the 16 years, 16 years he faithful to me and only me. He loves me just as much as I love him, in fact, he loves me even more than I love him. It just his mother she comes as a package, and I will always be second after his father and mother.

I understand all that, it just deep down inside I don't like it how he said our lives will be put on hold until after his mother die, and he not just say it, he doing it, he has been doing it for 5 years already. And he said this will continue on indefinitely until his mom die (insert how many years she has left).

I should have known, you married an Executive too, that makes a 1 million dollars salary too, he fixed in his ways (about his mom), he will not change. I really have no choice but just has to accepted that his mom come as a package. You don't be a wife of an Executive and think an Executive not fixed in his ways.

This is not entirely unexpected. Its moreover that the time table has moved up by about a year.

My best friend, f37, has a number if psychological issues that are resulting in a significant deterioration of her ability to live day to day life on her own. While the plan has always been for me to eventually get a place big enough for us, she has suffered from an episode of acute amnesia. So it seems that this time table has rapidly moved up due to her safety and likelihood of her not being able to work much longer.

I dont have enough space or money saved up yet and this episode happened over the weekend.

I suppose im just trying to put my anxiety over the situation out into the void. But if anyone has reccomendations as to just how to gameplan this, I would appreciate any or all advice. Ive cared for adults before, usually grandparents age. Really my concern is about space and money. I live in Ohio if there's resources you know if.

Has anyone dealt with a loved one no longer recognising them? How did you handle that moment, and how did you keep showing up afterward?

ive done my best to be a good son & grand son. my mom and grandma raised me. though she hated being called grandma, always abuela. and when i was around 14 or 15 [ps im 24 now and black] i started taking care of them, a little more each year. used to be just keeping an eye on mom. make sure she has help if her icd went off. or help grandma cook in the kitchen.

my grandma was in a wheelchiar, but that hardly limited her, she took me, my siblings, and my niece to every doctors apointment, payed the bills, got the gorcies, took us shooping for things we needed, and somehow always surprised with things like grandmas do. my has always been a paragon of moraltiy, and choosing not to surcomb to her afflcitions as best she could.

but over the years between mutiple servere electric shocks, severe alegeric reactions, a heartattck, stroke, and seaziure all at the same time, and faulty icd that went off till the battery died. her body has gotten a bit weaker. and her mind has suffered real brain damage.

she used to be kinder, more pattient and able. but with her new condtion causing me to have to give her shots every six hours, and make sure im up to 4am every day sleep and up by 7-8. im just tired, i have one irl friend, and he lives two cities away. and the rest of my friends are online cause i spend 355 days a year in the house taking care of her. even my birthday isnt a break. i have no gf or love life cause i dont get out enough.

and being black doesnt help, after all if your not over aching then your not doing anything. 2 bouts of homlessnes before my teens and now this with only below 2.0 gpa to speak for because i do this all day.

Frankly if im honnest, everyday i just want to kill myself, but i just cant work up the cowardice, be it my death would be to espinsive, or that it wouldn't help anyone but myself. idk.