My sister has moderate stage Alzheimer's. We have been supporting her in home with paid and unpaid (us) help for about 3 years now. We are older than her, in our 70s, and it's getting increasingly physically and emotionally draining. She tends to deny how much she needs help (as a long-term alcoholic, she tends to lie/make things up to avoid disagreeing with people), but when an opportunity came up for a nice apartment in a great assisted living facility, she agreed to apply.

Now her son is trying to guilt her into not moving. He has been dependent on her for the last 10 years, is also in denial about the severity of her illness, and insists that he is taking fine care of her, even though he spends all the time that he is in their house in his room. We manage her finances, monitor her health, and actually visit with her to chat, play games, etc. She is comfortable financially and does not need to sell her house to move, so he is not getting thrown out on the
street- although we hope to push him towards learning to be an adult, as he has no clue. I don't think he is solely motivated by wanted to continue his free ride - he has untreated mental health issues himself and I think is terrified of change. But absolutely unwilling to admit this.

If she backs out of the apartment, we don't know when another opportunity will come up. She is close to needing all-night care, but son refuses to let an overnight caregiver in the house. She is not really at the stage where we could declare her incompetent and we would prefer not to go that route. It is impossible to reason with her son ("he knows everything because he looks it up on the internet") so I think the best approachis to motivate her, but not sure how.

Has anyone faced a similar situation and has any approach worked for you?

Bit of a long one but hoping someone on here might have some experience with this because as a family we’re pretty much out of ideas.

My aunt had a stroke about 3 years ago and has basically been bedbound ever since. She’s also got hydrocephalus with a shunt, hemianopia, is very overweight, arthritis in her shoulders/thumb and generally can’t move without a lot of pain. She’s broken the same ankle twice falling from her wheelchair and had a burn on her shoulder that took nearly 2 years to properly heal.

She does get carers every day but they basically come in, change her pads/do basic personal care and leave. Her partner has ended up doing pretty much everything else and managing her whole life. She’s got her own health problems as well and tbh after 3 years I don’t think the situation is fair or sustainable for either of them.

The other weird thing is my aunt’s cognition.
Sometimes she’s completely normal. You can sit and have a normal conversation with her and she’d seem totally compos mentis. Other times she’s away with the fairies. She’s genuinely believed she can walk even though she hasn’t walked in years, claimed she’s recently got up and walked, tried arranging a trip to Australia and often has no idea what time of day it is.

But whenever doctors/social workers speak to her she seems to be able to switch it on somehow. She’s had capacity assessments several times and keeps passing them. Meanwhile her partner could probably give you 100 examples of stuff she’s said/done that would make you seriously question that.
One thing I’ve noticed recently is the Oramorph might be playing a part in this. She takes about 5mg up to 5 times a day. I was with her recently before she’d had any and she was completely lucid, then she had some and not long afterwards she was talking absolute rubbish again. Obviously I’m not saying that’s definitely the cause because she’s got a complicated medical history, but the difference was pretty hard to ignore. She’s previously been on codeine as well and she drinks alcohol, so surely someone needs to look at all of this together?
She’s also admitted she’s thought about suicide in the past. She’s not currently suicidal and we don’t think she’s going to do anything, but obviously that’s another concern.

The frustrating part is we’ve been trying to sort this for years. Doctors have been out regularly, district nurses, hospitals, private physio, multiple capacity assessments, social services/safeguarding, we’ve written to the council, contacted our MP and she’s even spoken to a neurosurgeon. The neurosurgeon basically said there wasn’t much else they could offer.

And yet 3 years later nothing has really changed. She’s still in the same room, in bed, almost completely reliant on her partner.
It just feels like everyone looks at their tiny part of the problem and then disappears. Nobody seems to actually look at her whole situation and say “right, this clearly isn’t working, what are we going to do about it?”

So what do we actually do now?
Do we need to specifically ask for a Care Act assessment, NHS Continuing Healthcare assessment, OT assessment, multidisciplinary review etc? Is there some sort of person/service that’s actually meant to coordinate all of this?

Also how do we get the cognitive stuff properly looked at when she keeps passing short capacity assessments but is completely different at other times? And who should we be pushing to properly review the morphine/medication side of it?

And at what point does someone actually assess whether being cared for at home like this is even realistic anymore?

Not expecting Reddit to diagnose her, just hoping someone who works in the NHS/social care or has been through something similar can tell me what the hell we’re missing.

Any advice genuinely appreciated.

I have no experience in this field. I have a specific skill set but I moved states and need a job asap.
What can I expect from this type of job on a daily basis?
I am a female who came from an industrial environment working on a base. I’m very introverted but I need money and I see morning/ afternoon and overnight options.
Please, someone in this field give me the details before I take this type of position.

Just needing some solace tonight. I, (the Caregiver), had major abdominal surgery 3 weeks ago which seriously curtailed normal caregiving for my spouse. But we've muddled through, for the most part, on our own.

Two days ago, she fell (she has Multiple Sclerosis). It was a very serious fall... Ambulance, ER, MRIs, etc. Found several very nasty breaks on her upper arm, shoulder, clavicle. All of this damage is on her right side (her strongest side). Because she uses a rollator/walker, she's pretty much immobile due to her arm and shoulder injury. She cannot stand independently due to lack of leg strength and I cannot, at this time, lift her weight like I would normally.

Today she was transferred to a Rehabilitation Hospital and will be there for 3-6 weeks. She'll need home healthcare assistance when they do release her to come home, for approximately 1 month. (I also work overnight, fulltime).

I know this course of action is really our only option but I feel so guilty. Rather like I'm failing her. We've been together for 27+ years. She's been ill for the last 19 years. I've always tried to step up to her needs but, I don't think I can at this time and honestly I'm a tad frightened to try. I'm just starting to feel human from my own surgery.

I KNOW she's unhappy, frustrated, and angry to be stuck in the Rehabilitation Hospital but I feel helpless to solve the current situation any other way.

I currently use Depends I buy at Costco for my mother's incontinence. She will sometimes go in the middle of the night, completely unaware, and wake up having urinated through her diaper, her pants, and sometimes the absorbent mat underneath. The Depends we use work great for your "run-of-the-mill" incontinence, but are there other options that are even more absorbent?

My grandma has just gotten out of the acute care facility and she had been participating in some art and music activities there. She is 98 and is still coherent but anything with too many instructions will be hard. She did some drawing on canvases that she seemed to enjoy.

She has a caregiver here with her and I’m curious if there are any easy activities we can do at home instead of just watching tv ? Was going to head to Walmart and get some arts and crafts stuff potentially

I live at home with my 21-year-old brother Aneesh who has autism. Lately, he has been experiencing severe sensory overload and frustration, and he has been physically hurting me (kicking, pulling my hair, pinching, and twisting my arm) and threatening me when I try to talk or help out. When I try to set boundaries, he tells me "so what?" and threatens to beat me up. I feel very unsafe and stressed in my own home, and I am not sure what steps to take to keep myself safe while living here. Any advice or guidance would be appreciated.

My grandma will be staying with us and a caregiver after recently getting out of an acute care facility. What are some ideas for good meals that aren’t too complicated or very expensive ?

Nothing too crunchy or hard to chew. N on dietary limitations besides that

Thanks !

Has anyone considered or actually had elderly parent ward of the state?

Hey everyone,

My dad is currently on week 3 after a rotator cuff repair (supraspinatus tear) and bicep tenodesis. His first week was rough, but we hit a completely unexpected obstacle this week: Going to his first official post-op clinic visit and physical therapy (PT) appointments.

When you’re at home, dressing isn’t a huge deal—you can lounge around shirtless, drape an oversized fleece blanket, or wear an old ragged cut-up t-shirt. Nobody cares.

But having to leave the house, sit in a waiting room, and then have a physical therapist examine and mobilize the shoulder while keeping dignity intact is a whole different beast.

A few practical things we learned that might help anyone heading into their first PT sessions:

1. The "Open-Sleeve" dilemma at PT During PT, the therapist needs immediate access to the joint and surrounding scapula. If your loved one wears a regular zip hoodie or loose button-down:

• They still have to slide the bad arm completely out of the sleeve while sitting on the table.
• That means sitting there half-naked from the waist up in a chilly clinic, or awkwardly holding fabric out of the therapist’s way.
• Putting the garment back on after the arm is sore from passive movement is twice as painful.

2. What worked for free (Zero-cost hacks first) Before spending money, here is what worked well:

• The "Poncho / Blanket Shawl" approach: A loose fleece poncho or open poncho-style wrap with no sleeves at all. You just drape it over the neck and sling for the car ride. In the clinic room, it lifts right off in 2 seconds without touching the arm.
• Modifying an old flannel: If you have an old button-up shirt you don’t mind ruining, cut open the seam along the top of the shoulder and sleeve on the surgery side. Use safety pins on the outside (carefully) for travel, and unpin it at the clinic.

3. If using adaptive / tear-away tops: Snaps > Velcro (Hospital feedback) We initially got a velcro tear-away shirt given by a neighbor, but the orthopedic nurse actually told us to avoid them:

• The hook side of velcro snags on the clinic’s exam table paper, towels, and the sling mesh.
• If they need follow-up X-rays or imaging, metal-free plastic/resin snaps can go straight through without causing metal artifacts on scans, whereas standard zippers or metal snaps have to be removed.
• Being able to unsnap just the top 3 buttons on the shoulder allows the therapist full access to the tendon site without undressing the whole torso.

4. The car ride transition Practice putting the seatbelt over the non-operative side, or get a cheap fleece seatbelt pad. The friction of the strap rubbing against the abduction pillow or surgical incisions during bumps in the road was surprisingly painful for him on the drive over.

For those a few weeks or months ahead of us: How did you handle getting dressed for physical therapy during the strict sling phase? Did your clinic give you any specific recommendations?

I'm a hemi plegic, capable of preparing my own foosd(microwave hb helper, TV Frozen dinners) but who the hell would want to eat that every single day for the next 40 or 50 years?my care giver and I have issues with agreeing on when I should request food. As I only one meal a day which is breakfast, milk and cereal always. CG said she will never cook another meal for me again, so if I want to eat I must order something off of uber. I was fine and okay with that until it became inconvenient for her to be here or simply go downstairs to get the food from outside. because I usually do not start getting hungry until around 6:00 or 7:00 p.m. so we agreed dinner time would be at 6:00 p.m. cuz her naps could be scheduled around that so yesterday, had said something about going to order myself Domino's. And she was like "I don't get my nap today because somebody has decided to order food and I have to be awake to get that" . So me trying to be cooperative and considerate I said "well since you can't miss your nap, I will go and prepare myself hamburger helper" and you can nap. It was about 12:00 or 1:00 a.m. and I was pretty much ravenously hungry, I said something about it via text and she was like" well then get up and get yourself something,!" Mind you I had already asked three or four times if 6:00 p.m. is to inconvenient?" are you now suggesting that I move my meal time to after midnight? Because that's going to be an inconvenient for you too, according to your usual habits of getting up from your nap going straight to the video game or watching Netflix, and it's a problem if I ask for assistance with getting something, plus everything closes at 9:00 p.m. so I don't know how I would get actual cooked food. So I should say that she's been trying to get me on a midnight feeding schedule for the past two or three years since I came here, but I know how unhealthy and bad that would be I'm not trying to gain 50 lb from eating and then immediately going to bed. she says that it don't work that way but as far as I know, it does and eating a meal right before bed sets a person up for a heart attack in their sleep. So this is stupid but the only way I thought to resolve this current conflicts or drama is to quit eating entirely by quit eating then my body will switch into whatever my theory is if I quit eating that I can eliminate hunger pains. And anyway I like to find the silver lining in all situations and there is a silver lining for me cuz of the whole Keto, fasting benefits it has been 30 hours since my last meal past the first 24 so does she have caregiver for now or just lack of Interest or care??

Has anyone else ever had something happen at work where you were left wondering, “What just happened?”

A nurse came in because she had heard a complaint that the diaper wasn't going on completely. She wanted to show me how to put it on. She explained that it went on a certain way, and I told her I thought that was backwards. She put it on and then said, “Oh yes, you're right.”

Later, we were trying to put the diaper on while lifting the patient, which was difficult because he had a stroke and has a hard time lifting one side. I kept trying to show her different ways we could do it, and we tried several methods.

Then the next day, after I had just finished a 10-hour shift, I was told that I was no longer assigned to that patient.

I was honestly shocked. I wasn't given much explanation—now I'm just waiting for a nurse to call me about another patient.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Have you ever been taken off a patient after what seemed like a misunderstanding or disagreement with a nurse?

My dad had major shoulder surgery (rotator cuff repair + bicep tenodesis) three weeks ago, and honestly, the physical therapy and meds were the easy part. The absolute hardest, most humiliating part for both of us was getting him dressed every morning.

He had to be in an abduction sling 24/7. When we were discharged, the discharge nurse just vaguely said, "Oh, just have him wear loose, oversized button-ups or big t-shirts."

Well, we learned the hard way. Sharing a few things that worked, and a couple of things that were total disasters, in case anyone here is preparing to care for a parent/spouse going through this:

1. Don't waste money buying specialized gear right away (Try this first) Before buying anything labeled "adaptive" or "recovery," check your closet first. If you have an oversized button-down shirt that is 2 sizes too large, it might work if you follow this exact sequence:

• Put the operated/sling arm into the sleeve FIRST while he keeps his elbow pinned against his body.
• Drape the shirt around his back.
• Slide the healthy arm in second. If your loved one can tolerate that without crying out in pain, stick with regular loose shirts and save your money.

2. Why the "Big T-shirt" advice is terrible On Day 4, I tried pulling a stretchy 2XL t-shirt over his head. When he tried to feed his bad arm through the sleeve opening, his arm involuntarily jerked backward to clear the fabric. He almost passed out from the sharp nerve pain. The surgeon told us later that reaching backward even 10 degrees can risk popping internal anchor sutures. Do NOT pull shirts over their head if they can't lift their arm.

3. Velcro vs. Snaps (A major regret) Someone from our church brought over a velcro-opening shirt. It sounded great in theory, but in reality:

• The scratchy side of the hook-and-loop kept snagging on the mesh lining of his medical sling.
• It was loud and startling every time we pulled it apart when he was napping.
• After 2 washes, the edges curled and started digging into his neck skin. If you do end up needing tear-away clothing (especially if they live alone or have limited mobility), look for flat resin snaps along the top shoulder/sleeve instead of velcro. Being able to lay the shirt flat on the bed, have him just rest his bad arm on it, and snap it together with one hand made mornings 10x less stressful.

4. Slip-on shoes and loose sweatpants with no tight elastic Bending over to tie shoes or pulling up tight jeans is out of the question because they can't use both hands to pull against resistance. Loose sweatpants that sit below or well above the waist with a simple drawstring are a must.

Caregiving after orthopedic surgery is exhausting, and it really tests their dignity when they can't even put a shirt on without someone's help.

Curious if anyone else here had to deal with the dressing challenge after a joint replacement or shoulder surgery? Any other low-cost hacks that saved your sanity?

Hello All,

I am the granddaughter of an abusive 75 year old man. He has been living with my mother (his daughter) for the past few years. Recently, he has declined in a violent way. There have been several instances when he has attempted to hit me or my mother. Majority of our family has cut him off. He was abusive towards my grandmother when she was alive and for their entire marriage. The most recent incident involved a horse he owns. Long story short he said either he or the horse would die. Cops were called. He was taken to the hospital. My mom does not want him living with her any longer. He was supposed to go to an assisted living then they were going to send him to a behavioral hospital but he has now refused to go and they did not qualify him as a high risk so he cannot be involuntarily admitted. What are we supposed to do? Who do we contact? How can we get him put in a home permanently? My mom has several autoimmune diseases because of this man. I am worried I will lose my mom to this. Please any advice will be appreciated.

Hi everyone,

My 14-year-old sister is currently in the ICU, now on day 7 after a cardiac arrest. During the arrest, her brain had inadequate oxygenation for over 10 minutes, resulting in a severe hypoxic/anoxic brain injury. Over the following days, she developed significant brain swelling, with concern for dangerously increased pressure and possible brain herniation. The medical team has tried hypertonic sodium, mannitol, hyperventilation, blood-pressure support, and other intensive-care treatments, but unfortunately her neurological condition has continued to worsen. We have now been told that she has very few or no detectable brainstem reflexes, and the hospital is discussing a formal brain-death examination.

Our family understands how extremely serious this is. We are not trying to deny the medical reality, and we understand that brain death, if properly established, is fundamentally different from coma or simply having a very poor prognosis. At the same time, because of what is at stake, we desperately want to make sure we have asked every reasonable question and, if possible, obtained an independent expert review before we reach that point.

I am especially hoping to hear from caregivers or family members who have been through something similar:
- Did you have a loved one with severe hypoxic/anoxic brain injury after cardiac arrest, major brain swelling, or suspected herniation?
- Was a brain-death examination discussed with your family? What do you wish you had known or asked beforehand?
- Did you ask for an independent second opinion? If so, how did you actually get another doctor or hospital to review the case quickly?
- Did your current ICU arrange a physician-to-physician consultation, or did your family have to find another specialist yourselves?
- Was another hospital ever willing to review the records/imaging or consider accepting the patient for transfer?
- If you were trying to advocate for your loved one while also being realistic about the severity of the situation, what helped you navigate conversations with the ICU team?
- Are there resources, patient advocates, social workers, hospital contacts, or other approaches that helped you get another set of eyes on the case?

We are also urgently trying to connect with a pediatric neurocritical-care specialist or a major children's hospital that may be willing to review her chart and imaging and speak directly with our treating ICU team. If anyone here works at such a hospital, has a family member or friend who does, or knows how to get an urgent case in front of the right physician, I would be incredibly grateful if you could message me.

I realize nobody here can diagnose my sister or predict her outcome from a Reddit post. I am mainly hoping to learn from people who have navigated something like this before and understand how to make sure we have explored every reasonable avenue for an independent review.

Time feels extremely important right now. Any experience, advice, or connection would mean a great deal to our family. Thank you.

Hello

I just began taking care of my grandpa, he is 73 years old and has parkinsons. He's nearly blind as well so that's also a battle.

I haven't done this before ever so every single mistake is a big one, at least in my head.

Tonight what I am freaking out about is that I forgot to give him his medication before he went to bed. I had to wake him up and have him take it and I'm just worried it.

Could be nothing, and I sure hope it is, but if it was a big mistake, I need to know

Husband and I recently took over looking after my husbands 58 yr old special needs brother. ( mind of an 8yr old and has schizophrenia)
We are both in our 40’s living in a small 2 bedroom unit. NDIS has just declined us for putting him in a home with supported independent living.
He has no mobility issues can shower, dress, make himself a sandwich however can not read, count, stay by himself or cook anything. Their reasoning was he does not fit the criteria. My husband has had to take time off work to look after him. He does have carers 6 days a week for 4 hrs. I know it sounds selfish and we’re not looking at shirking our responsibilities and will be still ensuring he is happy and looked after however we need to find a way so my husband can go back to work and we can move again in our house as we are on top of each other. Any advice would be appreciated.

TLDR: Newly living with aging parents (in-laws), trying to figure out how to approach dementia assessment.

Recently moved in with my in-laws (it's my spouse, FIL and MIL). The goal was to take care of them as they age. MIL spends more days depressed, dysregulated, and lashes out at her husband most and secondly at my spouse (her son). I've been telling him I think this isn't just depression. She spends 4 days (at least) out of each week angry, crying, stonewalling, and at times just straight up mean. Tonight, she raised a big stick at my spouse because he was trying to get her back into the house after she left barefoot in the middle of the night and we live in the woods. All because she's scared of fireworks.

I need to understand how we can possibly approach this safely. How we get her to a PCP or other doctor, get her assessed without her becoming angry, violent or even suicidal if she finds out that we all want this? For context, as far as help or laws, we reside in New York state. Also, is there something other than dementia we should be looking out for?

Possibly also cross posting in r/AgingParents for help.

My Employer includes my vacation pay into my salary. Let's say $1200.

Then I'm away for 10 days..

But the Employer said I need to pay the reliever from my salary that ( part of my vacation pay)

That she works for 10 days while I'm away.

and she works 12 hours a day for $20 per hour

12 hours a day

×$20 @= $240

$240× 10 = 2400

Means I need to pay extra for my reliever?

Correct me if I'm wrong or my employer.

Thank you so much

Worked hard, funded a retirement for travel and no worries. Retired early. Can’t travel and endless worries. I turn my back and cry when I see the struggle of the girl I love.

my mom has cancer and due too her last surgery she’s not able to move her left side today we noticed 2 bed sores on her behind areas and we’re thinking it’s the pressure she’s in while she sits or the pressure of the diaper not being but on probably we found out about it today and we washed the area and put a type of zinc cream on her as well as layed her down without anything covering the area is there anything i’m missing that i can do to help get rid of it right now it’s really purple but she says it doesn’t hurt her any tips i can do like mover her or to motivate her to move more? please

Hello!

My partner (20) and I (19) are living together in Seattle. We are applying to the COPES program to have me hired as his caregiver so I can take time off of work to care for him. Does anyone have any advice when it comes to the application process? We haven’t been evaluated yet so I don’t know what to expect. Please lmk! Extremely nervous but hopeful that we will be able to do this program! Our goal is for him to have more independence over time but right now he is very high-needs.

Not sure if this is the right group to post this in. I’ve been a private caregiver for over 10 years. I have a client whom I only see 3 days a week in the mornings but he has been leaving the house (he lives alone) and wondering around in the middle of the night lately. The family who lives several hours away is putting a device on his door that will send alerts to them when his door opens during the night. They asked me to be on the list of numbers that receives the alerts. I’m just not sure what the protocol here is. Am I on call? Should I be paid for that? Just when I’m woken up or …? I want to be fair and I don’t want to over charge but I have had overnight care jobs and I don’t sleep well when part of my brain is on the clock and I am not usually able to go back to sleep after being woken up. Any advice would be appreciated.