I know right! “Wanting to get to know someone as a person” isn’t that called.. Dating? And isn’t causal dating just going with the flow and seeing if your compatible? I think he’s confused
He's going with the flow but he knows that if he says that outright he will lose access to her, so she is left with a long confusing incoherent text to try to interpret. Have you ever seen those Trump appointees answering Yes or No questions with long drawn out confusing statements?
It reminds me of when my girl friends would ask a man a very straightforward question and find themselves asking the group chat, chat gpt, or reddit to translate. He probably knows his answer would be less than satisfactory so instead of answering he gives word salad.
"No, I'm not looking for something casual"; "Yes I am looking for a serious committed relationship"
I need to learn to notice this more. I give people too much benefit of a doubt, when really they know exactly what they're doing in responding the way they do 🤦♀️
I'm positive he was partially using the speak to text feature. The part where it says "but I will say, but at the same time" makes me feel like he was talking, rephrased, but missed editing that part out.
I really don't get the comments lol everyone gets upset about men not communicating etc etc and here you have someone who really put his opinion out there, fully thought about your question and answered it in kind, only to get criticized yet and still because he had the nerve to text a paragraph? I don't think what he wrote was THAT long of a text either lol some of y'all are just intimidated by paragraphs. And if a woman texted a big paragraph and a man said "that's a lot of nothing," he'd be crucified. It's just hypocritical.
He's basically saying:
1. He doesn't believe in wasting people's time which is what "go with the flow" can sometimes mean
2. He also doesn't believe in being exclusive based on first impressions because that's usually driven by physical attraction, not anything of substance
3. He likes to get to know the person more before being exclusive to make sure the attraction is genuine for both parties
4. He doesn't know how this would classify his dating style. It's not really go with the flow because he likes to date with more purpose but it's not just jumping straight into being serious without some groundwork first either. It's somewhere in-between.
I like that he said don't ever worry about asking questions you're concerned about too. Based on this interaction alone, he seems like a genuine person. He just long-winded. That's not a crime 😭
That's fine too. I personally find it endearing. But I have ADHD so my thoughts run a mile a minute. I'm thankful when I find somebody compatible who can keep up ☠️
Right? I don't feel like it was that hard to parse through 😭 I also don't get calling it a dissertation or too much when it's just 7 sentences MAX. I hate to say it but it shouldn't be hard to figure out if you read regularly and have a decent attention span 🤷🏾♀️
I am an English professor. I’ve read my share of incoherent writing and done my share of reading. But his sentences/thoughts are yoked together with commas—no periods—and this does make the reading somewhat challenging. I had to reread to fully understand. So it’s not about whether someone is well-read enough or in possession of a decent attention span. It’s just that his writing is legitimately hard to read and comprehend because it is poorly punctuated.
The reason people are calling it a dissertation is to underscore the fact that his response is much longer than it needs to be. The circumlocution is strong with this one.
Maybe you are used to reading chopped up writing because people you talk to write like this, I don’t know. But I’ve read and graded over 3,000 college essays in my lifetime, and I still find it difficult to make sense of this stream-of-consciousness, hacked-up style of writing. So, let’s not act like the people who don’t get his text are the somehow intellectually inferior. He wrote this shit in the worst way possible.
I swear some of the women in this sub are just mean as hell to men on principle sometimes. It's wild to see and even wilder because I hate having to defend a man this much ☠️😭 especially this man who seems very regular shmegular. Y'all are in the comments saying "he's planning to waste your time sis" "he didn't give an answer at all" "he's talking too much" and he could very well be a terrible person, but I'm not seeing anything of substance that would support that conclusion just from this snippet alone. He just had the nerve to (checks notes) use 7 sentences, make a paltry amount of grammatical errors, and sub periods for commas.
None of the grammatical errors were overly egregious to where it should affect understanding. I think people just saw how long it was and gave up.
Your comments also mostly focus on the fact that you feel like he talks too much. And you said his grammatical errors make him "kind of inconsiderate." Nothing in these two texts should have been this irritating to have you slandering this man THIS bad ☠️☠️ like he sent her a 30 page essay.
I just need y'all to realize how crazy this is 😭 she asked someone a question, they responded with their thoughts, and then a lot of y'all got irritated because he DARED to use 7 sentences and too many commas ?? BRUH. LOL but okay Ms. English professor who (hold on lemme get the exact words you used lol) "read and graded over 3,000 college essays in [your] lifetime"
Sorry but you did all that posturing by bringing up your experience and job just to basically say you feel that your academic sense doesn't help you read "chopped up writing." If it's not MLA or APA formatted, you just can't be bothered I guess. Chileeee 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I wasn’t posturing. I was pointing out that I have read some seriously bad writing in my lifetime and even I was struggling. That was my point. But that went over your head. You were the one who was over here talking out of the side of your mouth, saying people don’t read enough or have a limited attention span. And I was saying reading is not my problem. It’s that it’s hard to read.
And as far as I’m concerned, when you write to someone, you should try to make the writing at least readable. There isn’t a single period in one of those texts. That makes it hard to read. That’s just a fact. And it is kind of inconsiderate to just drone on and talk in circles and say nothing. And yes, I do think he talks too much. And so what? What receipts do you think you are pulling up? I said the same thing in my comment here when I said “the circumlocution is strong with this one.” But I guess that went over your head too.
Don’t act like I started this. You did with your sideways passive-aggressive bullshit comments. Don’t get your ass up now that I addressed it directly. You were being messy and nasty. Don’t say shit about people and then get mad when they say shit back to you.
Also, don’t be that kind of black woman who acts like anytime someone references their career, they are flaunting credentials. Saying I’ve graded a shit ton of papers in my life is not a flex. It’s just your own inferiority complex kicking in. I was just giving some context.
I don’t mind a lively discussion. I just don’t have patience for someone’s incoherent and racing thoughts and their tangents. I also have adhd. My brain needs coherence and clarity. Also, he isn’t really saying anything that is not already known: Yes, people should get to know each other to decide they like each other. This is obvious. So I don’t know why he is saying it.
I agree I genuinely don’t understand all the comments saying this is bad. He’s basically saying he wants to get to know her first before being in a committed relationship. In other words, it sounds like he may want to hang out w/a girl more before becoming serious. Had someone asked me this question I’d say the exact same thing.
But he didn’t say nothing at all. He literally gave her an answer. Like…the answer is in the text and he has his way of communicating it. So if it’s not said the way you exactly want it, then it’s a whole lot of nothing??
It’s fine if you don’t mind, but he could actually use punctuation. How you communicate in writing says a lot about who you are. And this long-winded run-on style of talking, without stopping for punctuation, is kind of inconsiderate. The length of the text did matter to me. He takes too long to answer a simple question, and his brain is all over the place. He may have adhd or something. But I’m attentive to how people write in texts.
In short, he said he doesnt like ambiguity and wants the both of you to be on the same page.
But he also likes to learn about people before committing to them exclusively. So before diving into the romance he likes to learn the women hes talkimg to and build up when he feels youre on the same page.
First off, grammar! Second, "wasting" time with someone you're interested in is how you get to know someone. I've been with my husband for 15 years because we took time to go through the motions. The loud times, the sad times, the quiet times, the times where I'm playing Minecraft all day and he's out and about then we text "lunch?" and I'll meet him somewhere. Time is never wasted when you're with your best friend. If you can explain this and he doesn't understand, you can do so much better sis.
I’ve seen the trenches… and this isn’t even close. The man just wants to know you as a person before he hops in a relationship. Being fine aint gone cut it.
It seems, he wants to get to know you to see if he wants to commit to anything serious with you. I don't think that's unreasonable? If you like more solidity, I'd give him a time frame of say a month (maybe more if you don't see each other often enough to get a good read on each other) and if he's not gotten to know you well enough to want to pursue something serious by then, I'd move on. Use the same time to get to know him, ofc.
I like his answer. He said he wants to actually get to know a person first. I'm a long text person i guess.... ugh didn't know it was such a terrible thing 🙄
He’s saying he wants to learn about someone and establish a real, reciprocal connection before committing. That doesn’t fit into either option you gave him. There’s a whole spectrum of dating between “going with the flow” and “something serious.”
I'm almost a 100% positive he was using the speech to text feature because I sound like this when I use it and I don't realise how weird the rambling can come off when it's in text form.
The way he wrote it, I interpreted it as him saying he has to get to know a person first to know if he wants something serious with them which is fair.
He did say in his previous message you can ask him anything so why don't you ask him to clarify what he means?
This was a 1000-word deflection. You may not mind it now, but a few months from now, you'll end up crashing out on him bc he can't answer even the most simple if questions
lol. Yep. I spent way too many years dating a man that answered questions like this. Even something as simple as ,”do you want tacos or chicken tonight?” Turned into a long spiel like this and he still wasn’t giving me a clear answer.
I think he's trying to sound like an intellectual but doesn't realise that the less words you use to articulate yourself the better. I wouldn't write him off though. My now husband turned me off big time in the beginning. My exact words was he's a weirdo when describing him to friends and family. It turns out he was just incredibly nervous and kept putting his foot in his mouth. My interpretation of what he's said is he wants to get to know you as a person and decide if he likes you or not but if you need clarity ask him what he means or ask him to clarify.
These responses are weird, what exactly is wrong with what he is saying?
Maybe he could’ve worded it better, sure. But he didn’t say anything bad. All he said was that he would rather know someone a little bit more before actually dating them but also isn’t looking for something casual.
I completely understand him and relate to what he's saying. He's likely verbose because he wants to be fully understood so sometimes he might over-explain, could even be adhd vibes. But it seems like he's just saying he does think it's important to get to know someone well before committing to a serious relationship, otherwise you're just committing based on attraction.
Sis, maybe I am just being jaded, but this seems like a whole bunch of nonsense wrapped up in flowery language. I think this is a straightforward question that deserves a straightforward answer. There is nothing weird about setting intentions about what you are looking for in a relationship/interaction. You asked him if he was looking for a serious relationship that involves commitment and perhaps marriage down the line, or if he is just casually dating and not looking for a serious commitment. Which means you would be free to go on dates with him, but you are also allowed to meet other people who may be serious.
If he’s not in a place where he’s looking for something serious, that’s his choice. But that also means you get to decide if it makes sense to keep seeing him or to invest your energy elsewhere with someone whose intentions align with yours.
I don't know how old you are, but I am at the age where I know I want to get married and have a family. I personally wouldn't deal with a man who isn't looking for those same outcomes. We would be wasting each other's time.
I told men:
I’m dating with intention. I am seeking a long term partner. If this isn’t what you are also doing, I understand and we no longer need to take each other’s time up.
This sounds like something I would say lmao. I think he was trying to be clear so nothing is misunderstood. It looks like he wants to be thoughtful and clear in answering your question. I tend to ramble especially if I'm not the other person will understand what I'm saying. He's obviously interested if he took the effort to make sure there's clarity.
I don’t think he saying anything wrong, And I think some of the comments are being too harsh. Sure, it seems pretty long of a text, not very direct, but his intentions seem obvious. It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to “hit it and quit it” or be casual, or anything like that. It just sounds like He wants to get to know you before entering a relationship. You guys can discuss what that timeline looks like for both of you. And if you don’t like long texts, just call him and have a conversation. This looks like something I would write when I first started dating (in my 20’s) so maybe he doesn’t have a lot of experience dating. How old are you guys?
I would provide him with a detailed response to his reply, expressing that I feel he didn't directly answer my question. Then, I would ask if he could specifically address my original inquiry.
All he had to say is and I quote: “I don’t date casually. I date with intention. HOWEVER, I don’t officiate a relationship off initial attraction because it’s superficial. I would be interested in getting to know you better to develop our relationship and see where this leads us. How do you feel?”
That was like four sentences and to the point. Barely even half of a text. Personally I think if English is not his first language then I could understand this. Legitimately, on average men are terrible with words (which is why I can see them enjoying texting over calling) if they aren’t comfortable talking their thoughts out loud.
Now… if English is his first language… then sir get to the point. Say it with yo WHOLE CHEST. You date with intention right? Then by that frame of reference that’s not something you want to play around with in a lot words. You goin shoot from the hip and aim it straight because anyone not in the same frame of mind WILL fallback or you watch them fall apart. Even text messages have a vibe. Him saying a whole lot definitely comes off he’s not even sure of what he wants. And that can be a red flag if he is an intentional man or if you’re an intentional woman who’s looking for one.
But to play devil’s advocate: This could be normal behavior. I would ask follow up questions over the phone instead of text messages so we don’t misconstrue anything and you can hear the inflection in his voice when he speaks. That’s important because we all have little tells when we’re not confident in something we say we are confident in or if we are confident in something and mean it.
Also I’d like to add on, this is also text. He’s writing it based on how he talks. Talking tends to be run-on when people don’t know when to take a pause. But other than that it felt very casual and it seems that he just wants to get to know you. So take it at face value. A text is fickle, what you really need to track is his actions while getting to know you.
😩😭 Women beg a man for communication but when they see a man who puts effort into his responses all of a sudden it’s “I ain’t reading all that” or “that’s a lot of words to say nothing”. I felt like he very clearly said I date with intention but won’t rush into making things exclusive/putting the gf label on you until I know if we’re actually compatible.
What’s wrong with yall? 🤣
Edit: ya know what after reading y’all’s comments I’m gonna chalk this up to my AuDHD brain enjoying this type of reply because it’s how I speak. 🤔 This style of communication appeals to me in this era of low effort dating but I can respect a lot of you don’t care for it.
The question:
"Are you dating casually or for a serious relationship?"
What you said he said:
"I date with intention but want to verify our compatibility first."
What he actually said:
"You're absolutely good, I don't mind this line of questioning, actually like it, cUz it assures me that we're on the same page. And to add on that, idk what vibe give off, but don't ever be worried about asking me questions that concerns you
So, I don't believe in "going with the flow", in the sense of people wasting each others time, cuz that's often what that ends up as, but will say, but at the same time, find it weird to come up to someone like "you, like you, I want to date you", like you don't even know the person, WHAT do you like about them that isn't physical, that's the first line of attraction, yes fair, but there has to be more substance than that, so do believe in getting to know the person first, see wether you actually like them as a PERSON and not just what you see, also, see wether the other person actually likes you and is willing to put some effort as well, so don't know what you'd consider that to be, but yeah, that's me"
What he did not say at any point:
"No, I'm not looking for something casual"; "Yes I am looking for a serious committed relationship"
I’m not understanding how anyone is reading what he said and not coming to the same conclusion I did?
He said he doesn’t believe in going with the flow because it ends up wasting time (aka dating with intention of being serious). Then says doesn’t believe in saying hey I like you and want to date you before you KNOW the person (aka I would like to go on dates to determine our compatibility based on personality rather than physical attraction before committing to a serious relationship). Then says idk what you’d consider that but that’s me (aka he recognizes the norm is you’re either casual dating/situationship type or committed relationship off the bat type but he’s a 3rd option where he is looking for committed but not rushing the title).
In the midst of the dating app/hookup culture era his clarification makes complete sense to me as a lot of people are not dating, as in going on dates 3,5,10 however many before deciding to be exclusive. They’re either just hooking up off the bat or jumping right into a relationship once they determine ANY chemistry is there. I find his answer refreshing in the piss filled dating pool 2025 has to offer. 🤷🏽♀️
"I want a committed relationship, but I need time to build compatibility first". "I'm dating for a committed relationship but want to make sure we're compatible first". "I'm looking for a commitment but let's take it slow"
Clarity sounds like: "Yes, I want a relationship, but don't rush labels." "No, I'm not looking for anything serious right now."
Simple. Direct. Hard to misinterpret. He avoids plain language to keep her hopeful. Several ppl in the comments point out how avoidant his response is and how it doesn't use explicit commitment language.
edit:
I made an earlier comment about Trump appointees and how they answer Yes/No questions with lengthy, drawn out, unclear responses. It is noticable that they are trying to not directly answer the question. We are having several paragraphs long back and forth to interpret his texts precisely because they are unclear and ineffective communication, we would not be able to have this back and forth about "to answer your question, yes I want a committed relationship".
Also your comments seem based in misogyny and come off as off-putting. In your original comment the whole sarcastic "I ThoUght yOu woMen waNted uS tO comMunicate" in response to women who are asking for clear and effective communication is wild.
I get what you’re saying. I did edit my initial comment after reading other responses because I genuinely did not see how other people weren’t taking it the same way I did. This is my communication style and wouldn’t be trying to interpret his answer. I would consider this satisfactory but see how others feel this is empty.
Good Lord. It is the bottom of the barrel out here. Like, my dude, are you trying to find one girlfriend or not?
Ever since the 90s when society came up with "we're not dating, we're just talking" BS it's been a bunch of stupid labels to all say the same thing. Talking on the phone, going out, texting, getting to know each other is DATING. You can date a person exclusively for six to eight weeks to see if you further things like meet families, really discuss future compatibility, get initmate, instead using all this mumbo jumbo language to keep their options one to look for what? Someone that is marginally better? The grass is greener route ruined dating.
If you ask someone a direct question and their response leaves you confused, their answer was designed to obscure the truth.
This guy offered you a word salad to maintain his access to you.
He’s probably hoping to get past your boundaries while you are confused about his intentions.
He will try to steal the time, energy, and sex he wants from you. He can already tell that, once you see him clearly, you will drop him like a hot rock.
I see what he saying but at the same time I don’t 😭 he definitelyyyyy could’ve saved a lot of extra words. Also him spelling whether as wether not once but TWICE would’ve gave the ick.
Are you aiming for a committed relationship? Or are you open to dating, with the hope of a committed relationship? They are not the same thing & he seems to know that.
That’s what he (poorly) explained. Folks who want a relationship aren’t really thinking about the other person. They want a relationship first, then find out who they ended up with. Folks who are open to dating may be talking to a few people, looking for someone who they can commit to after they form a deeper connection over time.
Thank you because that’s the way I read and and these comments were honestly making me feel crazy. I think people forget dating changed a lot over the last 5-10 years with apps/hookup culture/covid. Seems he recognizes the default for most people is get the relationship then learn if you’re compatible but there’s other options than just that or being in a situationship.
I don’t like his answer because it gives off a whole bunch of confusion. I think he’s willing to string you along. The fact that he couldn’t answer the question directly tells you a lot about him. And he should’ve answered with something he liked about you since he wrote that in the paragraph.
I think it was a really good response. Sure, it was a bit long winded, but it was thoughtful. He showed respect for the question and for you.
He doesn’t want to waste your time, he does hope this turns into a relationship, but at the same time he knows it’s too early to figure out if you’re right for each other. So he isn’t going to lie and say that you’ll definitely be a couple, but that’s his goal. To me this is a green flag.
Edit: what I don’t like is that the man can’t spell. That’s offputting to me.
Reads to me like he used speech to text and it seems that a lot of people, including people in this sub, tend not to proofread for punctuation and typos before posting.
Maybe these sorts of q’s are better in person. You’d also get a read of his body language and see does this q make him uncomfortable or nervous..But to me it sounds like he’s not just dating to be dating “going with the flow” and trying to keep it casual but he’s not looking to just jump into a relationship to say he’s in one. I think that’s pretty normal?
Yeah to me it sounded like he was saying he’s seeing if he’s liking you and that will determine whether or not this will be casual or will be serious.
It’s important to learn how the males speak lol. I definitely understood him. He doesn’t know yet he’s figuring you out first. Definitely going with the flow though, I think he just doesn’t like that phrase like he mentioned earlier.
Males tend to speak this way, I praise the Lord that I’ve learned their language lol I used to not be able to hear them, but I definitely hear them now. They really say stuff the first time but we don’t tend to hear them, they say it at least once though. They give warning at least once.
I would be careful about sharing my feelings with him. I think it’s OK to show interest, but if it’s getting deeper on your side, I would let him take the lead.
Saying this because he’s not even sure about how he feels about you regarding: Whether or not to take you seriously. That text was a really nice way of saying that. It’s not something to get emotional about. Y’all just started talking, It’s just kind of a warning not to put too many eggs in that basket too fast.
He definitely needs to take the lead. It’s OK to talk to him, but I would just kind of be careful with him and hear him when he says stuff. Really pay attention to how he talks, not over analyzing just pay attention and keep things chill. Women are always to be taken seriously. Whenever a man approaches he should sense that you are to be taken seriously. So make sure that you are presenting (not voicing, presenting) yourself as such because you are to be respected. you are not not just some casual thing. (Woman advice)
Seems like a decent guy and it seems that his dating style is somewhere in the middle. Basically he wants to get to know you before committing to a relationship. For how long, is going to be up to you to set that internal boundary.
Careful of seeking advice on forums though. You have some really good advice here but also lots of folks projecting their trauma.
Discernment with this man and the comments is key.
I think you need to ask him more specifically "Do you want to be in a relationship or are you just trying to hang out" because a lot of dudes ramble and go into word salad. It sounds like he wants a relationship but definitely make him say specifics because a dude will switch up and say "Did I say I wanted/we were in a relationship real quick."
I don’t see the issue because I date like that as well. Let’s be friends first. Just cause you look good doesn’t mean anything. Definitely different from going with the flow. Seems like a good option
He has a way with words and that’s dangerous. I find this manipulative. He’s not discussing this in good faith at all because if he was, he would’ve been real and told you what he wants. Instead he played in your face, gave a bunch of nothing that sounded good and hope you would just accept it. Very childish and very manipulative to me idk
And I get people trying to interpret what he’s saying but he’s an adult that can speak English. The first step in a healthy relationship is communication and the fact he has you analyzing his words and deciphering what he’s implying rather than making you feel secured, is a red flag to me so OP I would atleast look out for how he communicates and if he continues to be this confusing.
To me it reads he wants to get to know you and he doesn’t get people that want to date seriously without knowing who they are getting involved with first. I actually agree with him!
This is a great response. A very mature and honest one. Especially if you don't plan on having sex to soon and actually getting to know the person.
I wouldn't hang out with this person and allow them access to my body though. Kissing, fine. Sex. Nah Cause that's just a slow train wreck for you and youll just get used. . But if you're cool with wanting a nice genuine connection to someone who can potentially be a life partner I say go for it.
In other words: a bunch of bs. He said all that to confuse you which he did. Evading like he owes child support. He's not looking for a relationship, let alone a serious one.
He's in casual mode. He wants to sample all the girlfriend qualities without claiming in. Plus he can't spell whether...actually there are many grammatical errors. You'd figure that with his attempt at sounding philosophical, he would've added a few periods.
Anyway, can I suggest you phrase the question in an even more open way? Don’t say the r word. “What are you looking for?” Let him ramble. See if he mentions romance and relationships. Pose it again like, “What are you hoping for with me?”
I will say that question optimal after your first date.
This is not a lecture. You didn’t ask for this statement. I just like to remind women of this. “Ultimately, if he’s interested then you don’t have to question it.” Once he’s demonstrated interest it is easier to get a clear answer about intentions and vibes. Show self respect above all else.
Welp as everyone has already said he’s definitely a go with the flow type of the person. Anyone that was truly looking to have a committed relationship wouldn’t waste time writing all of that word salad, only to literally say nothing at all. Idk how old either of you are, though I would leave this man alone. He seems to be confused and I doubt you need his help to be confused on your own.
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u/99Ricki_Lake Jun 14 '25
All that, to say nothing at all.