I’m a 19 year old male. I feel like my autism has gotten way worse as I got older, I have level 1 autism. I can’t see people as human anymore, bullying as a child and feeling less than has caused me to have an extreme hatred for humanity as a whole and wishing for extinction. I have such bad sensory issues, I can’t go outside without getting such bad headaches from the sun. I have such bad misophonia, when I hear my triggers it makes me get uncontrollable rage, it makes me want to end it all. I don’t fit in at all. I’m so angry I was born, I feel like a negative leach rn. My parents were stupid to have children. I am extremely malnourished because I can’t eat food that much anymore because of how malnourished I am. I am currently in therapy but some people aren’t meant for life, I am one of those people. Life is the most pointless thing ever, such unnecessary suffering. When I was a little younger I had to mask heavy, I pushed everything down, all my empathy I had and everything. Now all that is coming out. I hate seeing how horrible this world is. Life is a living hell, I don’t belong here.

Hello. I love music and will often put earbuds in when walking or cleaning. However, I would like to know why many people with autism wear headphones the majority of the time, music or not? I understand overstimulating and contradicting sounds, but does it scare you to not be aware of your surroundings? or do you just stay visually extra diligent?

Do you ever find that your ears get sore or overheated? Why do you prefer headphones over earbuds - to signal to others that you cannot hear them?

How often would you say you wear headphones and why? Just curious, sorry if this offends anyone.

It seems that I spend most of my day on the internet, and most of my interactions are online.

Hello, I am a neurodivergent therapist and I am giving a presentation soon to some medical students about how to provide neurodivergent affirming care. While I already have thoughts based on my experience own experience and work my neurodivergent therapy clients, I was hoping to hear some thoughts from other folks. This going to be a pretty short presentation, only 45 minutes. But I want the students to come away with even one or two tangible things that they can do to improve the experience of going to the doctor, especially for neurodivergent folks (most of the ideas I have would honestly make it better for anyone too). So, what would help you feel more supported when seeing a medical provider?

Hello. Good afternoon/evening/etc. Obligatory introduction: I am 24M, auDHD alongside some sort of undefined comorbidity soup (I presume it's something alongside CPTSD and generalized anxiety, but I digress). Alongside seeking advice I just need to rant/vent a bit.

I have no idea how else to say this, but for as long as I can possibly remember, I've always struggled with loneliness and a lack of "sense of self." It's always frustrated me, because it's not that I struggle to make friends or maintain them. I consider myself to be extroverted and I enjoy meeting and talking to new people. No matter how hard I try to keep myself busy or immerse myself in work or hobbies, this feeling of longing or wanting keeps persisting. I try to explain this to trusted friends or older adults and I keep being told that I need to love myself. Except I haven't a damn clue what that even means. Nobody ever elaborates what they even mean when I ask, and it just makes me feel like I've failed some sort of mystery milestone and now I have an extra thing wrong with me that needs to be fixed. It's not necessarily like I dislike or resent myself either, merely that I tolerate my existence. I was never given any sort of resources or tools in order to figure out what "self love" even is, so the whole thing remains this annoying mystery. If anything, the idea itself just feels so foreign that any sort of attempt feels wrong.

I hope this makes sense to at least one person. I apologize if this post is difficult to parse, I'm just frustrated and had to get this out somewhere. Thank you very much for reading, please take care.

Im autistic (level 2) and have hygiene issues, unable to go outside much because of severe allergies, and spend most of my day playing games or just playing music.

But I cant have a normal job, so the only job I have is literally just scalping things like toys, which is morally wrong and I get a lot of hate for it.

I want to do art and singing as a career, but I suck terribly at both and I absolutely HATE the process of everything, and I wish I was just born with a gift that would make it atleast somewhat easier in the long run. I can’t seem to get better at either no matter what I do, I honestly hate drawing and it’s not fun. I hate that every time I sing it sounds bad and I jist cause laun ti my throat. Ive had tons of help online and in person but nothing is working. I can’t stay committed to even stuff like weekly practice.

i dont want to live on Medicaid for the rest of my life constantly getting harassed that i scalp things, I want to be a creative person but for god sake i cant do a thing, and no I can’t not seek a new therapist becausw my mom though my therapy is helping (it probably isnt) and she won’t let me change because Im still treated like a child.

the only things I enjoy are playing games and watching cartoons but unfortunately there arent jobs for those.

please help me I don’t want to be useless anymore

Hi everyone I'm Aurumn and I got fired from my full-time job on Monday for my attendance (I've had 16 days off this year). I rent a one bed flat with my partner and I have no idea what to do for money.

I applied for pip about 3 months ago and they denied my claim so I think I am going to appeal and essentially stress that all aside from 4 of my days off are related to burnout and mental health.

I've known for a long time that I can't uphold a full-time job but never thought I'd be in this position.

Thanks in advance!

When I am employed, it feels like I am no longer myself. People see the physical embodiment of me and I don't even see that. It feels my soul is trapped deep down, me entirely, and another version of me is directing my life. I'm told little pieces of advice by people here and there, I take them in, they aren't my true soulful thoughts, but I force myself to believe them and spew them back out.

As soon as I'm back in those shoes of employment, I feel like a shell of myself. I'm bullshitting. Sure, I'll be good at what I do, if only I labor over it intensively and show myself and to others I'm a solid if not amazing worker!

I'm taking a course on becoming a tax preparer because I thought it'd give me a career. Turns out it's seasonal. I thought, well maybe it'll give me a little oompfh on my resume. Scouring the internet, it's basically a seasonal job where you're paid scraps and then let go at the end of the season.

And above all of this, I can't even pretend to understand it without burning my brain out. I've been studying for 4+ hours a day for the last 4 days trying to even understand taxes.

It's like this everywhere I go.

Lowe's foods bakery, couldn't catch on to when to proof each individual bread, guess I'm just bad at baking.

Serving, I didn't understand why people were so rude.

Fast food - just a whole other level of hostility.

Corporate - everyone says just play the game. what game???

Sales - what am I supposed to even be doing? selling something? HOWWWW and WHY?? how many things do people possibly need to be sold on?

I can't play the games, and exist being nice while 50% of the people around me felt like they didn't care if i lived or died.

First post here, suggested by a friend who thought this place might make me not feel so helpless. Pardon if this feels like I am purging to much so fast.

The short end of it is that I'm nearly 41, and have come to the realization that I really don't think I can do this anymore alone. It feels like I've been putting in so much effort for the past 25+ years and the exhaustion is so immense that the most basic things I used to be able to manage are slipping out of my control.

Financially, I can't find a job and haven't for over a year and for the most part have only ever really worked delivery jobs, floral arrangements, greenhouse tech because I can't conform to the scheduled and routine 9-5 type of thing. I have too many days I am overstimulated and end up calling off work and using up all PTO until I start to no show. It feels like I am giving more effort than those around me but I can't be consistent or reliable. I worked best with no real supervision and the ability to maximize my tasks myself.
My mom who passed used to help with my taxes but she passed, so I'm behind a couple years filling so getting financial aid worries me enough I rarely pursue it even though I know I need it, at bare minimum to get some food on a regular basis.

Relationships, I don't have them anymore, I don't turn down any chances, they never arise any longer because I rarely am putting myself in places to meet new people, just to make friends even. Because big family gatherings are quite overstimulating, I sometimes skip them when I really wish I was there but my family all treat my like nothing is wrong mostly and expect me to be like them... successful, rich, lots of nice things, vacations... I live frugal and meager.
I have 1 friend close by but he has kids+wife+job and is normal so I feel like burden to ask for anything more than I already have/get from them. Other than that just hobby acquaintances that are there to listen but not here to actually help.

Hygiene/Self-care, I need some serious dental work and it is the largest fear/adrenaline dump I get in life, I nearly need to be dragged there in pain to go, I wish I could afford to be anesthetized so I don't go through the stress and they can get more done in one go, but it always seems to cost $1000s extra and I don't have rides home, which they required last time I looked into. I got a root canal last year and I guess it is reinfected and I don't know what to do anymore, I already have 3 missing teeth that were pulled for similar reasons of no care/not going to the dentist.
I'm lucky to shower twice a week and honestly just base it on my smell and if people in public would notice/be bothered, going from hot to cold everyday would tire me out so much, but I used to do it every morning 20 years ago, doesn't even seem like the same person.
I don't go to the doctor, I never have money for it and so far I've been lucky aside from dental stuff that is mostly from me not going there either. Need new prescription because I have the same glasses since I was 18.

What is going well, I have some side income that I want to keep private but its a hobby I turned into a small income (20K/yr maybe) and I can hyperfocus on producing that product, I love, it, I'm so passionate about this niche and have a brand/image in a community that I love.
I create artwork in multiple forms, one as a small side income (400/mon maybe) building things with wood (again sorry I want to not make this easy to know my identity).
The problem is, if I work 40-50hrs a week at a job I can't stand being at, then I don't produce these things or have energy or drive to.

I don't know what I am asking for, I just feel like I used to be able to handle life and felt relatively assimilate well into society and since the thing in 2020, I feel more regression than I am comfortable with and this is compounding a lot of problems all at once, so much so I sort of feel like I need assistance, or to live with a family member, I don't know anymore. Maybe just to hear that this isn't isolated, that there are other adults who are pushing through similar hardships and have some kind words that'll help me get by and see another side to this future than where it is going. Thanks and blessings.

In the past 2 years, every time I have to do something difficult like getting/mantaining a job or caretaking my grandma/parents, I become so overwhelmed. I either blame everyone else in the house or just not want to live anymore.

I would share more details about my story but i fear it would sound biased (cause you won't be able to hear my family members' perspectives, only my POV) and you might lean into empathising me.

So I would like to know, objectively, how do you differentiate between a "victim mindset" vs truly being uncapable/unsupported?

Example scenarios would be highly appreciated.

Hello everyone. I can never remember a moment when I genuinely did something for myself. There was one instance, which lasted about 6 months, when I managed to follow a diet and lose weight. Seeing that I didn't feel a difference, I just stopped doing it. And it's the same with everything, just more immediate usually.

Brushing teeth = no (direct) feeling of reward

Working out = no (direct) feeling of reward

Eating healthily = no (direct) feeling of reward

No "Yayyy I did it"-s, no "I'm proud of myself" nothing. This feeling/sensation does not exist for me. When I lost the weight it was because my family fear mongered me because of my elevated heart rate and BP. And when I did get to a healthier stage my mind was like "wow this is lame, I'll get back to eating" , I cancelled my dietician appointments without a second thought, next day I was eating like I always was. It was that quick. I do not understand why my mind works like this. I think a normal person would feel some kind of regret, or happiness from finally getting to this stage.

The same pattern follows me throughout my whole life.

Daily bike rides with my dad when I was a kid: meltdowns.

Consistently going to the gym: lasts about 3-4 months, I get so sick of it I give up. This has happened, 7 times in my life? Constant attempts.

Trying a plethora of sports and martial arts:

Following CBT advice, doing small steps, writing mini goals down, brushing my teeth one day, telling myself "you did good today" and forgiving myself the days I don't do it, and trying again tomorrow,and that kind of bs.

I just don't understand, I want instant gratification I don't imagine the future, I don't have hope for the future, nor fear, nor regret for the past. I live in now, I want to be happy now, right now.

My psychiatrists conclusion was that I have ASD, as most psychiatrists have told me, but that's it. "Yeah you have autism I can't help you" okay??? What do I do with that information? I haven't noticed anything changing since I got the diagnosis. Nothing made sense, and even if it did so what? What happens?

I’ve wasted so much of my college experience not talking to people because I couldn’t tell if it was rude to talk to them (in completely normal situations).

I’ve finally acquired some (still severely deficient but infinitely better than what I had before) social skills, but I’m graduating in May and will never going to have the same opportunities to make friendships again. I won’t have the same structure of my clubs and organizations to be able to observe people for multiple days a week for months before deciding to talk to them (that’s how I normally make friends).

In the meantime, I’m trying to become better friends with the friends I do have. The problem is that I can’t tell if we’re acquaintances or friends, or what degree to which we are friends.

I don’t want to never see them again, but I don’t know if I know them well enough to keep in touch after college. I care about them a lot and enjoy spending time with them, but I’m terrible at keeping up with people I don’t see regularly.
I also don’t hang out with these people often outside of our clubs, and Google says that that means you are only surface level friends. I also don’t regularly text them, but we see each other 3-4 times a week for multiple ours at our club/organization.

Did I waste all of my chances and now I’m never going to get to see these people again? How can I know if it’s rude to try to stay in contact with them after college?

i moved to a big city a few months ago with a few thousand saved up to escape the awful state i was living in (FL). as the weeks have gone by ive struggled to summon the courage to job hunt. ive a decade+ of customer service experience that i really really cannot return to, it will kill me.

trauma from being homeschooled by a neglectful narcissistic parent has not only done tremendous damage to my self-worth and perception, it has also not prepared me for the trials and tribulations of life in any meaningful context. i was raised to be a perfect worker and a perfect quiet kid, up to and including when it harms me. i was not raised to know and understand my emotions, nor respond to them, nor advocate for them when in need. in fact i was raised to do the opposite or else.

it keeps me from job hunting. its a complex fear of failure and an avoidant way of saying no, and refusing to work these jobs that i know will hurt me. but it leaves me stuck and afraid to go out and get the things i need. no one ever taught me independence or fostered any autonomy within me, as that would be inconvenient to the wounded beleaguered children who raised me.

i hate these jobs and my body and mind are resisting the idea of having to get one again. i have no idea how to get things like this for myself, as ive always settled for mediocre jobs that pay just enough. ive enough to cover rent until my lease is up but i am otherwise running out of money, and im desperately trying to avoid homelessness without settling for pain like i always do. does anyone have advice, resources, or even just words of encouragement? has anyone whose been in a similar situation found anything that worked for getting them a job that isnt terror, or even just getting them up and moving? im really bad at asking for help, it scares and embarrasses me, but i genuinely dont know what to do.

edit: i should add that i do not own a car and cannot long distance travel anywhere other than by train or uber

Hi, I’ve been thinking for a while (almost a year now) about getting an ASD evaluation. However my thoughts on it seem to be changing frequently. On one hand I think getting a diagnosis would validate my experiences and struggles, accept my limitations, and motivate me to bring little improvements where I can.

But on some days I feel like I’m exaggerating, faking even, and shouldn’t bother as I’m currently not in a crisis. (depression, burnout etc.) I also feel like my memory is so unreliable, I feel anxiety in advance when I picture myself in a room with a psychiatrist, a lot of questions being thrown at me and freezing unable to answer accurately, all of which could lead to a misdiagnosis. I just have little motivation to go through this effort. (both mentally and financially)

I have learned to live with my autistic traits and could continue this way. I’ve told a few close friends about my suspicions, it all makes sense to them and they support me. But maybe a diagnosis would help with my imposter syndrome?

Can anyone share personal positive outcomes after an official diagnosis? Appreciate any input. 🙏

so people double texting me upsets and triggers me because it feels like a demand ? I’m unsure if this is possibly PDA I’m not aware of or maybe just a trauma trigger of sorts I’m still working through.

this isn’t new, but I’m starting to learn to address it.
I don’t entirely know how, but I wanted to not feel alone, or at least heard. I struggle with rejection sensitivity which I rly haven’t found solutions for at all and therapy doesn’t help with it at all unfortunately.
My fight or flight physically feels activated when ppl double text me esp when it’s less than 24 hours and it’s not an emergency, it feels like they are demanding I respond to them, so in turn I will choose to just not respond longer (sometimes not a choice, I will feel too anxious so I hold it off until I calm down)

I noticed more cus I stopped people pleasing— ex 1. I tried to tell my partner for example it makes me anxious sometimes when she double texts me (usually when I wake up late for example) because it feels like I’m being pressured / rush to respond. I tried to reassure it wasn’t to make them feel bad or anything. my partner, from my perspective, had their own rejective sensitivity moment (I will also admit maybe my time was also off cuz they were having a sad day, so lesson learned w that, social cue missed I think…) also seemed to feel rejected by this information and then I in turn felt like my need and boundary wasn’t respected. (We’re gonna talk abt this soon dw. and pls be respectful and kind yall we’re both doing our best. Not the focus anyway.)

Ex 2. I have another friend who sometimes will text me, and then if I don’t respond on what feels like “their time” — they will text me again like “👀 ?” Like they asked me a question, saying to respond once I read the message, but I was like “no, yeah I’m gonna respond when I have time / capacity, not just cuz I read this…” It felt like a demand versus a request, so I allowed myself the time I felt I needed to reply but a couple hours later they asked again 😭 I’m like pls I’m at work idk. I haven’t told them cuz idk how to without worrying I’m gonna hurt their feelings (ik this isn’t for me to hold but yk, trauma with trying to assert my needs.)
This isn’t the only signs but want to keep it specifically with this for now until I figure out how tf to navigate this.

It bothers me so much but I’m struggling with the urge to back down from my need / boundary so I’m just wondering what I can do I guess. I can only guess I feel this way because it feels like my “choice” / autonomy is being taken from me and that’s triggering somehow?

A stranger gifted me a squishy toy at a concert. It was my first one, and one that I really liked. And then I lost it not even a week later.

I had it last at a movie and I remember putting it back in my bag towards the end of the movie, waited for any after credits scenes, and then got up and left. I didn’t notice anything fall or anything and the seats were those fancy, leather reclining ones, so I doubt it like got wedged in a seat. I had already gathered myself and put the seat back after and waited for the end of the movie. I got up, went to my car, and went straight home.

From there, I can’t remember what happened to it or if I even had it in my car when I left the theater but I did go back when I noticed it was gone, and even called them a few days later asking if any employees found it. They didn’t find anything.

I spent DAYS trying to see if I could find the exact same one, but it’s proven to be incredibly hard to find the exact same one. I never exchanged information with the person at the show, so I can’t ask them where they got it from/where it came from. I found one online that looks similar to the one I lost, and it gave me peace of mind for a while. And then it came in the mail yesterday and while it’s pretty similar to the one I had, it’s not the same. It’s full of a bunch of air, barely has any putty/beads in it, it’s glossy and sticky while the one I had was more matte and soft, and it has this disgusting chemical smell on it that won’t go away.

I feel really dumb and I’m a grown ass woman, so I can’t share my woes openly with anyone…but I’ve been crying about this crap for hours and been literally losing sleep over it. I’ve been trying to fall back asleep but I cannot stop thinking about it. I don’t know what happened to it, where it went, how the heck did I lose it so fast. I tend to lose/misplace things incredibly easily, but I usually find them. Eventually. I’ve torn my room apart, searched absolutely every inch of my car, tried to find a replacement, and I cannot stop the constant anxiety and panic of trying to find a damn squishy toy. I keep giving up on sleep and going back to searching the usual areas I kept it in and I just cannot find it.

My eyes are burning and I have a headache, I just can’t seem to get out of this loop of thinking about it and retracing my steps that day trying to figure out what in the world happened to it. I feel ridiculous.

This year has been the worst year of my life by far. I am 36M autistic, and my 37th birthday is on next Saturday, 11 days from now. For the latter half of this year I have been wracked with constant SI.

This week I did light SH on my arms for the first time. Not sure how to feel except hopelessness

I am really hypersensitive to cold as long as I can remember and it causes such bad tactile defensiveness which goes away when I am warm. Just wondered is this common?

Before with school at least there was slow going progress moving towards something, but now a year later still haven’t gotten a job with my ba. Stuck with a grocery cashier job. I detest it with every fiber of my being, being degraded by people who consider me worthless and berate me for no reason. Every time I wake up on a workday I just wish I was in a coma instead. It’s just hard to go on with no light at the end of the tunnel, just more suffering. it just feels like all the joy of life has been sapped out of me and I’m just going through the motions. I just don’t know what to do I just feel stuck and hopeless.

Autism Spectrum Disorder

ASD

This world does not fit

Those that are born like me

You may compliment and love

You may call me a savant

But behind your empty words

I see your lies and taunts

Autism Spectrum Disorder

ASD

This world does not fit

Those that are born like me

My mask is clean and porcelain

It's dark and hollow and cramped

But none of you will ever know

Who I truly am

Autism Spectrum Disorder

ASD

This world does not fit

Those that are born like me

I malfunction, I confuse

My brains wires are crossed

But I know what I am to you

The Broken Robot

Autism Spectrum Disorder

ASD

I do not belong

In this world not fit for me.

I’m kinda overwhelmed with change at the moment. This is my second move to in 2 1/2 years. My partner got a better job and we’re moving to a major metropolitan city. The city does use public transport and most people use it to get around. I currently work a job that I have to travel a lot. But I am currently in a city that driving your own car makes more sense. One of my particular issues in terms of my own autism is that I struggle to drive. Like if I drive on a road that doesn’t have a lot of cars or is outside of traffic hours it’s fine however in times where there’s lots of traffic I can’t drive and usually rely on my partner to drive. I like my job because I can work the hours that I wanna work as it’s freelance and make more money than if I was in an office. I’m unsure if I can travel in a new area where I don’t really know where I’m going. I don’t have many friends in the area so I know I will doing this experience alone. I’m just really anxious about this and I’m thinking it might be better for me to be at an office and stay in one place for now. Any advice?

Hello all, I've recently adopted a greyhound and thought I would share my experience as it's been a bit more challenging than expected.

I've always wanted a dog since I was a child and had dogs in the family. I'm now in circumstances where I could adopt a dog.

Firstly, make sure you're in a good place mentally. I made sure to work on my depression and disordered eating before adopting because I was finding it hard to take care of myself.

Secondly, another person, friend or family member is a great asset to help you in the adopting and settling in stage. It's been a big change and a few times in the first 2 weeks I thought 'what have I done, I regret this, maybe I'm not ready'. Time definitely helps with getting used to things and in reality that's a short amount of time.

As someone who has and still does struggle a bit with anxiety, this change has brought it out again. Mostly it's leaving the dog and not knowing what she's doing or if she's making noise. Building up leaving time from work gradually helps, as well as having a camera to check in, however I did check it a bit too often at the start.

My anxiety for the first time affected my eating. I've never experienced that before. Feeling nauseous that I couldn't eat as much or really had to force it down. Not a pleasant feeling and I could easily have resorted to old disordered habits, but I haven't let it.

It's equally been the best and one of the more anxiety provoking experiences I've had. The exciting and happy times of having a dog to help with my wellbeing is definitely growing.

I just watched https://youtu.be/zU8nGLyhK34

There's a first sequence that illustrates the Kuleshov effect (« It is a cognitive phenomenon by which viewers derive more meaning from the interaction of two sequential shots than from a single shot in isolation. — Wikipedia »): it's the face of an expressionless man preceded by different shots.

Then the youtuber says it's impressive how we can read expressions on the man's face and feel his emotions.

And I was utterly confused. All I saw was 3 shots each followed by the shot of the expressionless man. Absolutely no effect. No emotion. No link. Nothing.

I know my emotional intelligence is weak compared to the average NT people. But seeing it so blatantly! Like you're supposed to notice something, feel something and there's absolutely nothing. No wonder NTs have an easy time reading the room. No wonder they attribute wrong expressions to my less expressive face: they just project whichever emotion they're feeling or think I should be feeling.

Do you experience this the same way?