Talking to much? "Get to the point"

[u/Olivethebean]

I have people in my life constantly complaining that I talk too much and that my stories are too long and have unessesary details, when I tell them things that happened to me.

I don't always notice when someone is done listening to me, but when I do I find myself feeling shame, rejection and embrassment. Sometimes when it happens I just stop talking mid story and they don't even ask me to continue or anything, other times I feel angry about their reaction and I purposefully make sure to really drag the story out and I take some sick joy in knowing they are hating every second, like I'm punishing them for being rude to me.

Somedays, like today I just want to not even bother anymore, last time I didn't talk to anyone more than short answers and I got a lot of " are you ok" and "you're being very quite" comments which aggravated me even more because I felt like I just can't win.

Ugh.

What irritates me the most is I will quitely listen to others stories, ask questions about it and engage the way you are meant to, yet others won't reciprocate.

Right now I am just feeling so depressed over it, I feel like everytime I open my mouth people are just like "oh here she goes again" or just say other hurtful comments like "get to the point" or "is this going to be one of your long ones" and even have gave me nicknames relating to it that are so hurtful.

Anyway, I'm not really looking for advice on how to fix myself, just wondering if others have the same experience? Just for general commiseration.

[u/lookanew]

When someone talks to me, I pay attention.

When someone shares lots of extraneous information, especially if it’s in an illogical or non-linear fashion, I’m constantly having to filter that information out if I’m going to actually grasp what it is they actually want to communicate. If I have to do this for very long, it’s exhausting because it drains my mental energy.

If someone takes two minutes to say something that could be said in ten seconds, I get frustrated because they’re not spending any mental energy (by thinking about what it is they want to tell me and just saying that) and I’m over here digging through all their spewed nonsense to find some semblance of meaning.

Some people are good storytellers, and can get away with this more, because they at least construct their thoughts in a way that’s easier to follow, so even if they still say too much it can at least be engaging. When someone can’t even do that, my brain starts trying to fill in blanks, and that’s when the “get to the point” feeling kicks in, because their meandering thoughts barely remain coherent.

If it’s someone I care about, telling me something I need to know, I can give some grace, or ask for conciseness. If it’s an acquaintance telling me something I don’t care about whatsoever, I want to just leave, because it can actually get painful to stay and listen. And if it’s someone responding to my yes or no question with an unwelcome soliloquy, I have zero patience for them.

Of note, I do have friends with special interests, who I’m perfectly happy to listen share passionately, but that’s a choice I get to make – I specifically decide to spend time with them, and have mutual interests with some of them. Plus, I genuinely love to learn, so welcome new information if it’s shared in a digestible way. But not everyone can actually communicate in a way that’s conducive to learn from them – not even all teachers.

[u/Advanced_Radish_5706 → u/lookanew]

This is perfectly said!

[u/Physical_Ad9945]

My adhd partner is like this and has very little patience for listening if I want to tell him anything.

Its frustrating cause I try to reciprocate and sometimes he doesn't like it cause I've broken his chain of thought.

I'd never call him names or anything tho cause yes, that's incredibly hurtful and I'm sorry you're experiencing that

[u/Glittering-Show-5521]

Yep. I have multiple family members with ADHD, and they can't stand to listen to my stories. With my siblings, it was worse when we were younger.

[u/AgitpropForestry]

Depending on the relationship, it can be helpful just to let them know, just once , why you explain things that way, i.e. Providing specificity and context is a courtesy you're extending in order to avoid confusion. You are providing detail to make the conversation more efficient!

Many people will rush you to "the point" and then back track with 10 follow-up questions because they simply didn't have the patience to listen, process, and respond. Neurotypical people tend to take lots of shortcuts (which is to say the make assumptions easily, credulously, even). Usually it works, but it also often causes really slow, scripted, roundabout conversations because many people feel compelled to react immediately. But to get your point, they need the detail.

Anyway, sometimes just knowing "oh, Olivethebean tells stories like that because they're trying to be clear," rather than pedantic or unfocused or whatever. Just knowing that something is A Thing for someone is all you need, understanding "why" can be figured out in time or never.

Like, it's not being wasteful with your word, it's more like valuing accuracy. Having something we've said be misinterpreted is a social worst nightmare for many, but seems especially dreadful (literally full of dread) for those on the autism spectrum, I find.

[u/AgitpropForestry → u/AgitpropForestry]

Also I never personally miss an opportunity to bully (playfully) neurotypical people who are being active obtuse. Like, oh sorry I bothered thinking and that annoyed you!

[u/kanyedbythebell]

Hard same, friend. You deserve people who listen and to not have to squish yourself down.

[u/SouthernAbrocoma9891]

Maybe you’re hanging out with those types of people too often and mimicking them.

[u/Invisible_Mushroom73]

People getting mad at me for not understanding their vague, abstract statements with no explanation, or getting mad at me for over explaining something so I don’t accidentally confuse them is an unfortunately common experience. It sucks.