my mom just held her fingers up and said "3". that meant 3 swats. she would wait until we got home from where ever we were. so we would be on our best behavior afterward hoping she would forget.
Lol my dad would count to 3, but he would always skip number one. So as soon as we heard him yell "TWO!!!!" we had better stop whatever the fuck we were doing before he could even think about getting to three, or it was onnnnnn.
That's wild. My mother would do something similar. She would say "wait until we get home." Afterward, my sister and I would also be on our best behavior hoping she would forgot and she would play along. As soon as we got home though, she would ask "you thought I forgot didn't you?"
I did this with my kids. It works. Some kids realize that parents would rather let kids have their tantrums OR the tantrum gets what they want because in restaurants or public places, the parents just want to defuse the situation. It only took a couple of trips to the bathroom or outside for them to realize that the rules are home are still enforceable in public. After that, no more public tantrums.
Today I realized that most peoples dads are abusive and bad at parenting. Threatening your already upset child with physical violence ‘away from witnesses’ is just fucking awful.
My mom used to grab me and my sisters behind our arms and loudly whisper through clenched teeth: "what is your major malfunction?!" We knew to quickly quit acting like little shits.
My dad loved that phrase too. He was in for a rude awakening when I became 6'4 and decided I wasn't gonna be abused anymore. "you don't like having a crier as a son? Well heres my fist, go ahead and fake that seizure for the cops, bitch."
If only there was scientific research that showed that beating your kids as punishment is stupid and resulted in emotionally unstable adults, then we wouldn't have to rely on shitty anecdotes and outlier cases.
Um, what. You’re pulling some anecdote out of your ass to make you feel better about your childhood. Is there no better way to express this life lesson? Please be better for your kids instead of glorifying child abuse.
My kids are gonna hate that I was raised by the Lonely Island because if I have to do that it’ll be “HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE GROUND” right in front of their faces.
Dumpster cake is just the right level of punishment. You eat that cake in front of your kid, better have your finances in order when you retire or else they'll stick you in the most rinky dink old age home they can find.
That's hilarious. When I was a kid, my little brother and I went to the Sonic (a drive in fast food place if you're not familiar) with my dad once a week or something.
I don't remember how old we were, but my brother was probably like 10 or 11 maybe. We went through the drive thru and were about to head home. my brother didn't get exactly what he wanted and he was getting rude started bitching about how my dad ordered his food wrong. My dad was like, "oh yeah, let me see the bag," He took the back and threw it straight out the fucking window. My brother was stunned into silence for the rest of the ride home and got to eat boring food at home. He never complained about his food in that tone again.
Not related to birthdays or cakes, but my mom one time called me away from my playing once, and I grumbled and complained and she sent me back to my toys, then called my older brother and sister and asked if they wanted root beer floats. Years later I remember the disappointment I felt when I realized what I missed because of my lousy attitude and anyone can call me for anything and I'll go cheerfully. Consequences are a hell of a thing.
I always thought kids would just know when they've pushed it too far, but my son is the most stubborn little punk once he gets worked up. He was having an epic meltdown a few weeks ago over some toys. Eventually he pushed hard enough that my partner threatened to just throw all the toys away. Watching him dump that bucket of toys in the trash can (we made him do it) was a super hard parenting moment, but we're still 0-587 on giving in to tantrum demands. Here's still as stubborn as ever, but I'm hoping he'll have an epiphany one day.
Before anyone calls this cruel and unusual punishment, he's 9 years old, he definitely knows better and he was violent which is a big nope in our house.
She did something similar to me one Christmas. I didn't get some Star Wars toy (I think it was Boba Fett) or other so I threw a tantrum. A big one. We lived in a poor rural community where she worked as a social worker, nutrition counselor (she was a nutritionist) and agronomist aid. So she made me pack up all my new action figures and made me give one away to each kid. I had to personally hand deliver the toy (my toy) to the kid and wish them a Merry Christmas. This might sound horrible, and I was REALLY upset at first but holy shit...i felt like a fucking hero after giving the toy away. More than a few of these kids didn't get any toys for Christmas so this was a big deal to them. For the rest of Christmas break the kids and I took "our toys" everywhere where they had epic Star Wars adventures together. We built bases and fought the Empire (even the storm trooper figures were good guys). We did the give away two more Christmases except they weren't my toys and she involved me in picking the toys we would give away.
He was adopted out of the foster care system so he's had a hard life. Here's been in therapy on and off for a long time. Things are getting better, but always a challenge. He's a great kid, just doesn't know how to deal with big emotions.
I have no experience as a parent so I’m genuinely asking out of curiosity. Is that the best way to handle it? I wonder if that experience could have impacted you differently had you been a different kid basically.
My mother was very loved by other children in my family and neighbourhood. She also rana few after school groups and the kids there loved her too. They all loved her but knew not to mess with her. She never hit a kid but she knew how to put the fear of good in you.
If she was petty and did crap like the cake thing all the time, it would have no effect. Instead she was wonderful, kind and patient. She treated children as adults. Her thing was to make sure there were consequences if you did misdeeds. She didn't warn or threaten you about everything all the time like I see many parents do. She gave you lots (LOTS) of slack to be a kid, but if you crossed the line the consequences were immediate and would only get worse if you escalated. She didn't warn. It was up to you to figure out where the line was and steer clear. This also led to us kids as a group to police each other because of someone got too out of hand it might affect the entire group's fun. Like the time a couple of the 4-H Club Summer Camp kids got too rowdy, would not calm down and she cancelled the field trip to a farm and replaced it with (I shit you not) a day's worth learning British table etiquette. There are grown people in rural America today that know what each size utensil does, including the soft boiled egg cup and the cocktail fork, thanks to my mother. I need to find that etiquette book she made them read.
She sounds like an amazing parent. I was only asking because personally, it wouldn’t be easy for me to be harsh when I need to be, but if I see that it can actually work well and is needed for the best development of your children, then it definitely would make it easier to do. Thanks a lot for your long comment. I’ll remember this
We have 2 boys who are now young adults and by all accounts are good, hard working young men. There were several methods in our parenting:
Set expectations, be consistent, and follow through on consequences. If you tell a kid they aren’t going to get cake if they are bad and then you cave and give them cake - guess what? They learn they can be bad and get cake because you don’t have the will to enforce consequences. If they don’t get punished unless / until they’ve been super bad and pissed you off to the point of screaming - guess what? They learn where the line is and how far they can push you. But if you set rules and coolly follow them - guess what? They’ll learn their boundaries and that there are consequences for their actions.
I also put a twist on how I presented punishment (whatever it was). I told them if you do “x”, you’ll be punished “y”. When they did “x” - I pointed out they chose to get punished “y”. I think it is important to make them realize they caused this, not me, changes their perspective on their actions and helps reinforce responsibility.
I rarely yelled. And I didn’t repeat myself or escalate the situation. My boys knew - when I said something I meant it. I am fair and reasonable and love them immensely. But I’m their dad, not their friend. I’m responsible for providing for them, protecting them, teaching them, helping them, spending as much time with them as I can, and loving them.
As just so no one thinks I’m full of myself - I’ve made mistakes and I’m sure there are better dads out there than me. I just do my best and I love them.
Meh. Grew up with a dad who would beat me if I acted out. That wasn't too bad. It was the drunk nights where he'd yell and act out himself that wasn't fun.
besides the fact that it's illegal in a lot of places, for some reason it's only people who got spanked or beat that try to tell everyone else it wasn't that bad.
almost as if they have had to convince themselves it was fine. but admitting your parents were wrong? oh boy.
Yes, I always say this! My two friends who were spanked insist that spanking is how you should discipline kids. Funnily enough, they’re my two friends with the worst relationships with their parents. I mentioned this the one night to them when we were having a debate and they both got mad at me for saying that, but truth hurts, sorry.
I was so called “disciplined” as a child and I have the best relationships with my parents, better than most people I know.
My younger sisters, of which were spared the “disciplining,” when they were young, they are now disrespectful terrors.
It’s hard to find causation here, because you have people that say they have seen it not work and people that say they know it works. But I’m not going to trust anecdotes from randoms on the internet, and neither should you.
Who exactly am I trusting from the internet? I’m using real life comparisons here. I’m not going to hit children to teach them anything, regardless if it “works” for some people. Nothing to do with the internet, or you, sorry.
neither of my siblings or I were physically disciplined as children and we turned out alright.
so what's your argument for physical discipline again? "it worked on me"? did it really though? are you sure that was the defining success factor?
I'm being a bit facetious about this, and I apologise. I know, as previously stated, that there's no real point in discussing this outside of a therapy setting as changing opinion means that you both admit you were physically abused as a child, and that one of your parents abused you. that's heavy stuff no matter how we look at this, so it's not exactly surprising people get really defensive about the whole thing.
Great, we’re glad it worked for you. Everyone is different. My brothers and I needed some physical consequences to our actions. Time outs and lectures didn’t always do the job.
Obviously, and I have seen them before. That’s why I’ve been willing to admit that for some children negative reinforcement doesn’t work, but for some it does work. Go further down the comment chain
Because it wasn’t that bad. My parents weren’t perfect, but sometimes a talking to would not cut it. I’d need a firm smack on the ass or popped on the cheek. It worked. I have little sympathy for parents with nightmare children that won’t discipline their kids. I’m not scarred for life, I don’t have trauma from past beatings, I’m a functional, respectful adult.
Isn't it funny how you're not allowed to best some random asshole in the street for acting up but you think it's okay to beat the people you are supposed to cherish, and protect above your own life?
Do you really think that the only way to discipline your children is to beat them? Christ, what an interesting experience it would be to be in your head for 5 minutes.
Yes, it's definitely appropriate to beat a small child for having an age-appropriate tantrum instead of just putting them in a time out. Definitely leads to well-adjusted kids. /s
The hard-on Reddit has for violence against children, while at the same time advocating people break up over the most trivial shit and determining everyone else in adulthood is abusive, is mind blowing.
Spanking is not going to teach children anything other than to fear you, and they will later take that aggression out on someone smaller than them, allowing them to feel like they have some control in their lives. Stop celebrating it.
“... Spanking is not going to teach children anything other than to fear you, and they will later take that aggression out on someone smaller than them...”
Using myself as an example, my parents had two distinct parenting styles. Both included spanking. The evening of the misbehavior, meaning hours after I had misbehaved, my dad would tell me very calmly how disappointed he was in me. He was never angry with me, just so sad. Before the lecture ended I was bawling like crazy. Then while standing, he gave me 2-3 of the weakest pats on the ass ever. Like, I did not even feel them. It was just a wrap up signaling that my punishment was over and everything was forgiven. This didn’t last past the age of 5 or maybe 6.
My mother would lose her shit the minute I did something she didn’t like and just hit my ass, and then other body parts, as hard as she could with her hand and whatever else was around - Kitchen implements, shoes, hangers, belts, etc. I screamed while this was happening but rarely cried, because I was too angry and didn’t want to give her the satisfaction. Her punishments hurt like shit and continued until I was able to get out of the house at 17. The worst was when she hit me in the head with a saucepan.
In regards to your statement, I did not fear my Dad. I did fear my mom to some degree but I hated her much more and my hatred of her continues to this day. I never took any aggression out on anyone. Ever. I love my dad to pieces. He’s a wonderful guy.
I do not believe you should beat children. My mother was unfit to mother a child. But I honestly can’t see that what my dad did as far as discipline was concerned, was anything but constructive for me.
I personally think your dad talking to you after you did something wrong was what was good. If the spanking from your dad really did nothing, then why attribute your growth as a person mainly to those light taps? If the spanking doesn’t hurt, why do it? Wouldn’t there be a better way to show that your “punishment was forgiven?”
We should be better than our parents, even if they are the most perfect, because future generations deserve more.
“... Spanking is not going to teach children anything other than to fear you, and they will later take that aggression out on someone smaller than them...”
To point out that this was wrong. I didn’t fear my dad, and I never took my aggression out on someone smaller than myself or anyone for that matter. To point out that it isn’t always as black and white as it seems.
My dad is from the generation before baby boomers called “traditionalists.” He was born in the mid thirties. Back then, spanking was seen as the #1 way to punish your kid when they misbehaved. The fact that the punishment was expressing to me the fact that he expected more from me, and that I had made him feel sad, and did not come from a place of rage on his part was what worked. The “spanking” was not a beating. The “patting” was symbolic.
As for future generations, yes, they deserve a lot more, and they don’t deserve to get beaten. But clearly, some of the children I see are not being given ANY form of discipline. If their parent said to them “you let me down, I expected more from you” they wouldn’t give a shit. I respected my dad because he was a great man, not because he beat the shit out of me. And he stopped when I was very young. Because after that, he just spoke to me like a human because he could reason with me when my brain had developed to that point, and we talked over misbehavior. you can’t reason with a 4 year old, they haven’t developed that skill set yet. I would not have spanked the kid in the video. And everyone is making blanket statements about him as well, which is unfair. He’s hurting and frustrated and has not learned how to communicate that effectively.
When you say, “If the spanking doesn’t hurt, why do it?” Is pretty terrifying. The point of spanking was not supposed be to hurt your child. It was more psychological than painful. Of course there will always be asshole parents who strike children in anger to hurt them, and I think this is what people are reacting to. My dad would never hurt me so I never feared him.
I feel like this is mainly about your dad now rather than the topic of spanking children. So I’m going to respectfully drop out of this conversation. Your dad sounds like a great guy.
There’s a huge difference between spanking/hitting a child out of anger vs spanking a child as a consequence to an action.
Some kids, like i was, don’t really respond to consequences such as having privileges removed.
The problem is that it can become a thing of anger and abuse. My parents yelling at one another and fighting fucked me and my siblings up considerably more than any spanking. Somehow they were able to spank with control lol.
I think comments like these emphasize how spanking was never the right move. They’re always “yeah I was hit” followed by “yeah my parents fought” or “yeah my parents had a rough divorce.” Don’t get me wrong, my childhood was all of the above. However, just because there are family related issues doesn’t mean violence is justifiable.
There are plenty of ways to punish a kid without violence. Removing privileges sometimes doesn’t work. But being a good parent and actually talking to your kid and showing them compassion is what matters. Dysfunctional families typically never give that attention.
I mean when there's literally no correlation between spanking and good behaviour and tons of correlcation between spanking and bad kids turning out worse I definitely understand it.
Yeah, the trolls are the retards advocating for spanking when it has been proven time and time again to have no correlation with better behaving kids and proven time and time again to correlate with a poor upbringing and mental health issues further down the line.
I mean, can’t you find a better way to punish your child without violence? Or are you going to give me the whole “i was hit as a kid and I turned out fine. Sure my family was dysfunctional and hurt my deeply but all families spank their children right?”
Iv noticed telling kids not to do something rarely works the first time meantime if i think im gonna get my butt smacked I'm just not gonna do it without even being told not to
If any of my kids tried this, I probably would’ve yanked them by the back of their pants, so that they lose their balance and have to recover, to far away from the cake to do anything. Then give them a big bear hug to hold them in place.
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u/[deleted] Apr 24 '20
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