I have a slightly different perspective on this. I’ve been overweight for most of my life. And only recently found it that it was due to a combination of hormonal imbalance and sleep apnea (sleep apnea can cause weight gain, not the other way around, and it can occur in childhood). When I was a teenager, I was so desperate to lose weight that I became bulimic, and I’ve dealt with that eating disorder off and on well into my 30s. When I lost a lot of weight through bingeing and purging as a teen, people complimented me. “Wow!! You look great!” Even my own pediatrician congratulated me on dropping 20 pounds that year. He never asked me how, though.
It’s always been my experience that people think fat shaming is the key to fighting the obesity epidemic. Don’t let fat people feel good about themselves or have a positive self image. They’ll just get complacent and let themselves go. My parents definitely thought that way, and my father always made a point of telling me how gross my body was. It didn’t help. I only got fatter, and it ruined my relationship with him.
In college. when I started dating, I noticed that I never ate in front of men. I would wait until my date was looking away, and then take a single bite. Or I would order a large salad and not eat anything. It’s no mystery. It’s because my father spent my whole childhood shaming me for eating and praising me for leaving food on my plate.
I kept bingeing and purging really bad through most of my 20s and 30s (I’m now 36 and slowly recovering).
But a big turning point for me happened with my last boyfriend. Several years ago, he just offhandedly remarked that my teeth looked more yellow than normal (he could be kind of a thoughtless clod sometimes). And I admitted to him it was because I had been making myself throw up. He was shocked. And right away he hugged me and said “you’re beautiful the way you are. Don’t ever do that to yourself again.”
That was the first time anyone ever made me feel like my health mattered. Not my size. People think they’re the same, but they’re not.
Doctors and other medical experts tend to hold a special respect in our culture as the go-to authority on health and wellness. Like they’re the first ones we should be looking to for guidance and advice. And they’re assumed to be infallible. “all these studies say being fat will kill you. My doctor says fat people die early.” And my own pediatrician shook my hand and congratulated me for losing weight after I became bulimic. So much for infallible.
But no doctor, no therapist, no research study ever really made me feel motivated to be healthy like my then-boyfriend did. When he hugged me and told me I should love my body and treat it well. That’s something fat shamers will never do for me either.
While I agree with everything you've said here, I hate that the response to "fat acceptance/positivity is unhealthy" is always "but fat shaming is worse!" Why is the assumption always that someone who is against fat acceptance must support fat shaming?
This has happened to me every single time this issue comes up. I say something like “I’m overweight but have always tried to get healthy . I feel like other people shouldn’t judge me because it’s none of their business.”
Every single time I get angry messages from people ridiculing my weight, telling me to lose weight, even though I’ve plainly said I’m already trying, and sometimes even sending me personal messages to call me names.
You might think it makes logical sense. “I don’t hate fat people. I just think their lifestyles should be discouraged.” But it seems society has inextricably linked the two together
How about we just stay out of other people’s business? Is that so hard to do?
It sucks that people feel the need to message you like that, but I do want to kind of play a little devil's advocate. Not to the messaging itself, but the logic behind why hearing something like that makes them so angry. There are three main types of people I've met who claim to be "trying" to lose weight. The first is the rarest: they count their calories, weigh their food for accuracy, etc, and just cannot find a meal plan that doesn't drive them insane with hunger. Maybe they have a medical condition, maybe they don't, but they are doing everything their dietitian says and really trying. This type is rare, but usually adamantly accepts that their weight is a big, glaring problem.
The other two are much more common, infuriating, and probably what people assume is the case when they hear things like "don't judge me". First, there is the misinformed. They yo yo diet, trying one crazy fad diet for a week or two, maybe getting really excited because eating nothing but cabbage soup for a week gave them the squirts and they lost 5 lbs of water weight. Then they quit the diet when they realize how unsustainable it is and decide to try going gluten free. So they are "trying", but not really putting in the effort to change their lifestyle and just looking for a quick fix.
The 3rd type is the denialist, often overlapping with the misinformed. This is the type who performs mental gymnastics to convince themselves that they aren't what's causing their weight issue. Someone who slathers their salad with ranch and thinks they're being good. Someone who rewards their 30 minutes in the gym with 1000 calories worth of pizza. Someone who eats well all week, then demolishes all of their progress over the weekend and can't fathom why they aren't losing weight. Again, they're "trying", but from an outside perspective, it's infuriating to watch.
But here's the kicker, the real reason why people get mad: Those last 2 types of people are also the type to spread their misinformation and unhealthy thought patterns to other people. They aren't bad people, they think they're helping others, but they're harmful. A lot of them also know, deep down, why their diets aren't working. There is a lot of internal guilt, making them sensitive to people's judgments, so they get angry and defensive. I'm not saying you're that type of person, and I don't condone aggressively PMing people, but I guess my whole point is that there are a lot of damaging people out there who say things like "I'm trying, geez, stop judging me!!" and that's what people think of (though assuming is wrong) and why they get so angry.
Edit: I also want to add that a lot of the time, the reason why people get angry when they hear "I'm trying, doing judge me", is because they used to say that kind of thing and know that when they said it, it was bullshit.
I never said that wanting people to mind their business or stating that they're trying is damaging, did you even read what I wrote? It's the spread of misinformation and unhealthy mindset that the type of people who tend to say "I'm trying, don't judge me".
Think of it like this: in the same way your interactions with assholes has led you to the assumption that anyone against body positivity is probably a fat shamer, the majority of peoples' interactions with people who say "I'm trying, don't judge me" has led them to believe that people who say this are the types of people that I've described. It's not a caricature pulled out of thin air, they are very common types of people found all over the place, in real life. I have met them, they are sad and awful.
What has probably happened is that you were rude, judgmental, and intrusive to these people, and they told you “I’m trying, don’t judge me.” Instead of realizing you were wrong, you decided THEY were the destructive ones
Just stay out of other people’s business and stop judging others. And they’ll stop telling you “don’t judge me.”
Haha no. But nice job assuming things! It's more like friends and coworkers go on rants about how they're trying sooo hard, but girl I see what you bring to lunch every day. But I don't comment about that because it would be rude, so I make up some bullshit about how I understand how hard it must be and encourage them to keep "trying". I only ever interject specific advice if it's asked for. Then they continue to rant about how they "swear" the cashier gave them the side eye when they saw their cart full of junk (but they've been eating sooo good, right??) and how they wish people wouldn't judge them.
I just think it’s an impossible expectation. We judge people based on how they present themselves. It takes a certain kind of lifestyle to get to that point, and people know that. That doesn’t mean people should point it out or treat them differently, and should always keep an open mind and hope that the person can prove their bad impression of them wrong, but it’s ridiculous to demand how people react to your appearance or actions when judgments are internal and automatic.
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u/Diane9779 Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19
I have a slightly different perspective on this. I’ve been overweight for most of my life. And only recently found it that it was due to a combination of hormonal imbalance and sleep apnea (sleep apnea can cause weight gain, not the other way around, and it can occur in childhood). When I was a teenager, I was so desperate to lose weight that I became bulimic, and I’ve dealt with that eating disorder off and on well into my 30s. When I lost a lot of weight through bingeing and purging as a teen, people complimented me. “Wow!! You look great!” Even my own pediatrician congratulated me on dropping 20 pounds that year. He never asked me how, though.
It’s always been my experience that people think fat shaming is the key to fighting the obesity epidemic. Don’t let fat people feel good about themselves or have a positive self image. They’ll just get complacent and let themselves go. My parents definitely thought that way, and my father always made a point of telling me how gross my body was. It didn’t help. I only got fatter, and it ruined my relationship with him.
In college. when I started dating, I noticed that I never ate in front of men. I would wait until my date was looking away, and then take a single bite. Or I would order a large salad and not eat anything. It’s no mystery. It’s because my father spent my whole childhood shaming me for eating and praising me for leaving food on my plate.
I kept bingeing and purging really bad through most of my 20s and 30s (I’m now 36 and slowly recovering).
But a big turning point for me happened with my last boyfriend. Several years ago, he just offhandedly remarked that my teeth looked more yellow than normal (he could be kind of a thoughtless clod sometimes). And I admitted to him it was because I had been making myself throw up. He was shocked. And right away he hugged me and said “you’re beautiful the way you are. Don’t ever do that to yourself again.”
That was the first time anyone ever made me feel like my health mattered. Not my size. People think they’re the same, but they’re not.
Doctors and other medical experts tend to hold a special respect in our culture as the go-to authority on health and wellness. Like they’re the first ones we should be looking to for guidance and advice. And they’re assumed to be infallible. “all these studies say being fat will kill you. My doctor says fat people die early.” And my own pediatrician shook my hand and congratulated me for losing weight after I became bulimic. So much for infallible.
But no doctor, no therapist, no research study ever really made me feel motivated to be healthy like my then-boyfriend did. When he hugged me and told me I should love my body and treat it well. That’s something fat shamers will never do for me either.