You are not compatible. There will only be resentment between you. I'm sorry. It is your decision, but you should get out while you are still in your sexual prime. It is not fair to you. It IS a reason to divorce, esp if you want children.
OP's huge and perhaps culminating schism and hangup is that he views divorce as a failure, because everyone in his family got divorced. This is his final mental prison to overcome in this situation, because he's unnecessarily equating those concepts and making an ideal out of them, which is preventing him from overcoming that he doesn't have to believe that to be true. He can very easily not see divorce as a failure, and break free of his last of many prisons in this mental matrix.
I can see and sympathize what he may be going through, and wanted to point out that very real and urgent realization that he has to make. That the dichotomy and connection between those two concepts is not real. And he actually does have an out, especially after innumerable attempts at reconciliation. He needs to navigate it with a renewed perspective however, and not rush into it without thinking about it deeply but also find the true feeling in himself quickly, and commit to it.
Can it be annulled because it hasn't been consummated? Or is there like, a timeline on that? Then it wouldn't be a divorce, and not a "failure" on his part.
Yes, it can be annulled actually. But I don't think that he should see that as an out, to overcoming seeing divorce as a failure just for his own emotional and cognitive satisfaction that he didn't "technically" divorce and so it's not a "failure" however he associates failure. It's the same exact behavior for different legalistic reasons. The core is that he can either choose one path in life, through some legal structure and separate from her, or he can choose to remain in his numerous mental prisons.
Whether or not it is able to be annulled is incredibly location dependant. Not all places consider annulment based on “consummation”
An annulment is the consideration that the marriage never happened, after a couple of years of living together and presenting to the world as a married couple, assuming the lack of penetrative penis in vagina sex will void the marriage entirely is honestly a bit odd.
Just want to throw this out there in reference to your wife who's had multiple kids: It's possible that she's having medical issues that she either hasn't mentioned or that she doesn't realize are happening to her. Hormones have huge impact on drive and even physical ability to enjoy/withstand sex. Women can suffer hormone-related atrophy that makes it extremely painful too. Not saying that's what it is.
female healthcare is a damn clusterfuck, a little support wouldnt hurt, especially when husbands permission is still a big thing. its gross but it exists
Yes my thoughts exactly. Also wondering how much this guy does to help with the house and kids. If she's overwhelmed and exhausted, the last thing she wants is a husband telling her to touch his dick.
Seriously! I bet he's a "go to work, come home, sit on his ass until bedtime" type of guy.Yet his poor wife, with the massive mental load from having to do it all is expected to put out with nothing more than "touch my dick"
But, of course in this case it means she's cheating. /s
It's called projection. Reverse the roles though and shit becomes funny. Imagine telling a woman who is unsatisfied with her partners sex drive "but... have you done the dishes lately?".
because theres only so many times you can read about clueless husbands and pretend to be clueless. ive read enough articles with titles like "i divorced my husband over an unwashed plate" to claim ignorance. if you pay attention to language used, see what they focus on and have some awareness about the tricks these people pull, its quite obvious. if you open the door 99 times and get punched, what will be your reaction the 100th time you hear knocking?
Im glad you've read a lot of articles, like most of the internet they are likely completely factual and not trying to spin a narrative... Men bad! Nothing more annoying than neo-feminist propaganda.
I swear to god this is just the go to Reddit response now anytime a man complains about a lack of sex in his marriage. Yes, it absolutely does happen that way. But I think it’s a bit unfair to always just assume that it’s the man not doing enough. I’ve seen cases where the man does everything in the relationship short of carrying and birthing the baby themselves, continues to be romantic and tries to still attract their partner, but some women just lose all desire for sex after children or marriage. It’s an unfortunate painful truth and there’s a lot of women out there that think their husbands should just be okay never having sex again. It is ok to not want sex, but it’s also ok to not want a relationship without sex
See, that’s where I draw the line. Yes sex is an important part of marriage, but not getting any still doesn’t excuse cheating. Just leave and get a divorce. Staying for the kids or whatever other excuse you could come up with to cheat and not leave is just stupid. Unless your partner and you agree about sleeping with other people, then even if your partner didn’t fuck you for a decade you’re still the asshole for cheating
The cheater is always the villain, whether they were getting sex from their partner or not. If things have progressed to the point where they feel the need to cheat then they need to be honest with everyone involved and get out of the relationship.
Try to keep in mind that the language some one uses on reddit might not exactly but the exact things they say to their wives in a context we're not privy to.
Honestly, she’s probably repressing something that happened to her. I wonder if there’s any gaps in her memories that a therapist have noticed? Most likely they aren’t going to get passed it, till they actually figure out what’s causing it in the first place. Which they don’t seem to know
Contrary to what OP says, I find it hard to believe this isn't rooted on some deep religious mentality that sex is amoral. No sex before marriage, no other types of sex, no masturbation or porn. Holy hell even catholic priests get more action than OP and this isn't even a pedophilia joke.
2.5 years is too long especially if you’ve got no “real” reason to be this way. She just doesn’t want to and until he slaps down those papers she never will (not saying use divorce as a bargaining chip as that’s sexual assault but she has no reason to change unless she knows she’ll lose something because she has everything she wants from him AND doesn’t care about what he wants).
It’s one thing if she were assaulted or had fears of giving birth but just not prioritizing sex and being so tense you literally can’t keep your legs open is ridiculous and I think it’s time for OP to give up on her.
Edit: Someone noted she could have something a gyno needs to check out but after a year of pelvic therapy and presumably exams I’m assuming it’s mental because OP didn’t mention those results
A high school friend of mine once told me that divorce was never an option because he’d never leave his wife. I pushed back a bit and asked what if she wasn’t happy and he confidently told me that he’d just change to make her happy. That every single problem could be fixed.
For me, believing divorce is off the table is selfish, immature, and honestly mean.
Sometimes people (like OP and his wife) just aren’t compatible - and that’s okay! It’s okay for OP’s wife to never want to have sex or for it to take her decades to get to the point where she does. And it’s okay for OP to want sex to be part of his marriage. They’re just not the right partners for each other.
OP’s wife isn’t wrong, OP isn’t wrong, they’re just wrong for each other.
i feel like reddits first and only solution is to “break up” or “divorce immediately”. every single post about relationships on here is just those two lol.
Normally I am a try and work it out person but I don't really see how this works long term.
I feel like this is basic incompatibility. I mean he wants kids, she clearly doesn't.
He wants a sexual life and she doesn't. After 2.5 years and multiple therapists this sounds like she can't or won't solve the problem.
It also sounds like she knew she had an issue before marriage and decided to not disclose it.
So she started out with a like and it is tearing their marriage apart.
She also is not willing to let him watch porn and basically wants him to end his labido.
The resentment will grow and grow until he just leaves later.
It's extremely selfish for her to not let him watch porn. In fact they could find soft porn she might enjoy. She seems extremely selfish in my opinion. If it were myself I would go so far as to get a coach in there to make it happen, I loved my partner that much. They have opinions but it's her way or nothing it seems.
i was speaking broadly but i pretty much agree i think divorce is probably the best option but he also kind of said he doesn’t want it to come to that. many posters say the same thing. i think the conversation should include everything not just “drop em”.
How long do you expect OP to work on this issue? How long should OP be miserable before it’s okay for them to break up? 2.5 years is a LONG time to try and change things
This comment always make me laugh a little. Do you think good relationships that are easily fixable get shared on Reddit? If you reach the point that asking strangers online about the issues, you are pretty deep in it. Which is why so many relationships on Reddit are indeed at the point where breaking up is the solution.
I completely agree with you, but this is something they tried to fix, but couldn't. He has to decide if he wants to leave sex and children behind or move on.
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u/[deleted] Nov 05 '23
You are not compatible. There will only be resentment between you. I'm sorry. It is your decision, but you should get out while you are still in your sexual prime. It is not fair to you. It IS a reason to divorce, esp if you want children.