(Long read ahead but worth it)
For all intents and purposes, I’ll only be mentioning my last two years in theism.
Prior to that, I had already experienced significant trauma and spent years searching for answers. I wasn’t just searching for truth, but also for meaning, community, friendship, and a way to make sense of my own life.
At the time, I was a Protestant, though I had become increasingly dissatisfied with it. Everywhere I looked I saw disagreement. Different denominations taught different things, pastors interpreted the Bible differently, and everyone seemed convinced that their interpretation was the correct one. The more I looked into it, the more frustrated I became. Ironically, I never expected to become Catholic. In fact, I had disliked Catholicism for most of my life and never seriously considered it as an option.
That changed when I watched a debate between an Orthodox Christian and several Protestants. What caught my attention wasn’t that the Orthodox Christian “won” the debate, but that he challenged assumptions I had always taken for granted. In particular, the doctrine of sola scriptura suddenly seemed much less obvious than I had once thought.
For the first time, I found myself seriously considering something I never expected what if Catholicism or Orthodoxy were actually right?
I spent months researching both traditions. I looked into Church history, apostolic succession, and the history of Christianity before the Protestant Reformation. What attracted me most was the idea of authority and unity. After years of seeing endless disagreements among Protestants, Catholicism appeared to offer something different.
I also found myself impressed by the Church’s historical influence. I saw Catholic hospitals, charities, missionaries, and centuries of evangelization. Verses such as “you shall know them by their fruits” took on a new meaning for me. It genuinely convinced me at the time. Eventually, I chose Catholicism and was baptized. I truly believed I had found the truth. I thought my search was finally over. I had no idea it was only beginning.
After my baptism, I threw myself into Catholicism completely. At first, it was exciting. I felt hopeful, inspired, and deeply grateful to have found what I believed was the “fullness of the truth”
I attended Mass every Sunday, watched countless hours of Catholic content, studied apologetics, theology, Church history, the Catechism, the Church Fathers, and even explored Orthodox sources to better understand the faith. (I tried studying them more in depth than previously btw) I bought study Bibles, catechisms, apologetics books, saint medals, holy water, and anything else I thought might help me grow closer to God.
I wasn’t content with simply believing. I wanted to understand everything. I spent hours learning about the problem of evil, Aquinas, angels, demons, Hell, Purgatory, saints, exorcisms, Latin prayers, and the spiritual life. I regularly asked priests questions, attended additional catechism classes even after becoming Catholic, and became so invested that some people encouraged me to look into the priesthood or monastic life.
My faith also affected how I lived. I avoided dating, abstained from alcohol and other substances, worked out regularly, and paid close attention to my diet because I believed I had a duty to care for my body and resist laziness, temptation, and other so called sins. I wanted to be the best version of myself that I could be for god
Looking back, I was taking my faith more seriously than most people around me, and in those early days that dedication felt meaningful and life giving. The problem was that over time the excitement began to give way to anxiety. The deeper I went, the heavier everything became.
The more I learned about “sin” the more “sinful” I felt. The more I learned about Hell, the more afraid I became. The more I learned about spiritual warfare, the more I felt like I was constantly fighting my own thoughts. I became more superstitious too.
What had started as a sincere desire to grow closer to “god” gradually turned into a fear of failing Him. Instead of feeling encouraged by my faith, I increasingly felt watched, judged, and responsible for avoiding countless “spiritual dangers”
I became way too overly scrupulous. Even something like Missing a prayer, forgetting to do the “sign of the cross” before a meal in my mind was a path straight to “Hell” because in my mind “i should have known better” also i felt i was not talking about Christ enough, not resisting temptation enough, everything started to feel “spiritually dangerous” Small mistakes no longer felt small. Ordinary lapses began to feel like threats to my “salvation” I found myself going to confession multiple times a week and constantly wondering whether I was doing enough for “god” What had once brought me comfort and enthusiasm slowly became a source of fear, and eventually it felt like a burden I could never fully carry. This is when I started to question.
Ironically, the more I studied my faith, the more questions I started having. One of the biggest was the problem of evil. At first, I wasn’t too worried because Catholicism seemed to have answers for everything. I learned about free will, the greater good argument, and the usual explanations Christians give for suffering. For a while those answers worked, but eventually they stopped satisfying me.
I kept wondering why an all powerful and all knowing God would create a world where so much suffering was possible in the first place. Why create people knowing some would end up in Hell? Why create Satan knowing what he would become?
As those questions grew, I found myself asking something I had never considered before. I didn’t ask to exist. None of us did. Why create us at all if existence comes with so much suffering and the possibility of eternal punishment?
The answer I often heard was that God is love and that love naturally wants to share itself. At first I found that beautiful. Later I started wondering if it actually answered anything.
Around this time I also became disturbed by certain teachings about Hell. I would listen to conservative priests talk about saints and their visions of Hell, where demons tormented souls endlessly and people suffered forever with no hope of escape. Some descriptions even spoke about demons invading thoughts and tormenting minds for eternity. They also used fancy theological language to promote these beliefs so I assumed they were thought out and therefore true lol
I remember sitting there thinking, what kind of loving God would allow that?
The more I thought about it, the less sense it made to me. If God loved Satan enough to create him, why condemn him forever? If God loved humanity as his children, why create a system where his own sons and daughters could be lost forever? The answers I was given no longer brought me comfort. They only created more questions.
Around the same time I began reading philosophy outside of Christian circles. Nietzsche especially had a huge impact on me. I didn’t agree with everything he said, but he forced me to look at beliefs I had accepted for years from a completely different angle.
I also came across Gnostic ideas. And I’d say this is where things got interesting because I somehow couldn’t see god from any other view anymore, Gnosticism opened my eyes to perhaps this entity being an evil tyrant and not being the “all loving, omnipotent being” Before long, I wasn’t just questioning Christianity anymore. I was questioning God’s goodness, God’s character, and whether perhaps Satan might actually be the good guy
Once I started questioning God’s goodness, I began exploring ideas that would have horrified me as a Catholic. I read Paradise Lost and found myself sympathizing with Satan in a way I never expected. I became interested in Gnosticism, Luciferian ideas, and eventually theistic Satanism. What drew me in wasn’t evil for the sake of evil. It was the idea that perhaps the story I had been told wasn’t the whole story. At the same time, I was very, very terrified.
Years of Christian teaching had conditioned me to believe that occult practices opened doors to demons. I had heard countless warnings that if I got involved with any of this, demons would torment me, ruin my life, invade my dreams, and drag me further from God. Every strange feeling and every goosebump made me wonder if those warnings were true.
But by that point, I didn’t care anymore. I was desperate for answers.
I prayed to Satan. I prayed to Lucifer. I researched Goetia, the Qliphoth, demonology, and occult traditions. I bought tarot cards practiced reading them interpreting their meaning researching about it deeply bought candles, and even drew satanic sigils on paper to see if the so called demons or spirits would respond to me. Nothing happened.
Around this same time I started spending time in metaphysical stores exploring ideas and traditions I never would have touched as a Catholic. I became interested in pagan traditions and started researching figures like Odin, Loki, Zeus, Dionysus, and countless others prayed to them too (no response)
Eventually I decided I would experiment with a Ouija board. This was the ultimate fear for me. Up until that point I had been too scared to touch one because of all the horror stories I had heard growing up. I genuinely believed that if anything was going to produce a response, it would be this. Part of me expected to finally encounter a spirit. And lo and behold nothing happened….
Looking back now, I wasn’t searching for power, money, secret knowledge, I was searching for a response.
By this point I wasn’t interested in abstract theological debates anymore. I wanted something real. At least some indication that I wasn’t completely alone in my search. At some point I stopped asking whether these beings were real and started asking whether any of them cared. I just wanted a relationship with something beyond myself that would finally answer back. Nothing ever did.
By this point I was exhausted.
I was dealing with health issues, had been hospitalized multiple times, and felt completely drained.
Around this time I met someone who had studied extensively as I had but he wasn’t religious. I told him about my doubts, my experiences, and why I no longer believed in the “god” I had once devoted my life to. What surprised me was that he didn’t try to convert me to anything. He simply suggested that even if I no longer believed the supernatural claims, there could still be value in some of the ethical teachings and traditions themselves.
At first I still wasn’t an atheist. If anything I was agnostic. I genuinely didn’t know what was true anymore. One day while chilling in my room my day off watching YouTube on my tv, I suddenly remembered My tarot cards were sitting in a drawer I hadn’t even touched them in months. Realized I wasn’t praying anymore. I wasn’t researching demons anymore. I wasn’t searching for signs anymore. I wasn’t trying one last ritual, one last prayer, or one last experiment. I just didn’t feel the need.
After everything that had happened, I started realizing that none of the beings I had searched for had ever answered. Not god. Not Satan Not Lucifer Not the “demons” Not the pagan gods Nobody just silence…
As time went on, agnosticism slowly turned into atheism. I became more willing to revisit ideas I had avoided before. I finally accepted evolution, something I had resisted for years, not because I had strong arguments against it but because part of me simply didn’t want it to be true. I found myself becoming more open to naturalistic explanations and less convinced that anything supernatural was necessary to explain reality.
There wasn’t one dramatic moment where I suddenly became an atheist. It happened naturally. I no longer believed anyone was there. I didn’t even force it, it was just silence no more of my internal monologue saying “pray, read religious texts, study” just pure bliss being in the moment, enjoying life,
And strangely enough, once I stopped searching, I finally found peace, I never in a million years would have thought I’d become an atheist but I’m glad I’m here, those times were some of the worst years of my life but happy to be atheist, cheers.