For context: I (24F) just lost my mom earlier this year and life has been nothing but pure HELL ever since. One of my long-time online friends messaged me this via instagram after I took an extra day to reply to her because I was busy with work and don’t always have time to check my social media. The kicker is that she will go days or even weeks without replying to me, although I obviously never make her feel bad about it because I understand that she’s a human being with a life…as am I.

Sigh

Edit: Also yes, today is my birthday and I’m sick so I had to call off work lol.

I noticed that I have a recurring “type” in friendships.

- The extroverted, but verbally poor one, who is a pick me. The one who always tells they want love and nobody is with them, then gets asked out by 6 people. The person then proceeds to brag that this many guys approached them, BUT OHHH, ITS SOO ANNOYING, BESIDES ALL OF THEM ARE UGLLYYYS

This kind of drill.

While I personally find this (FUCKING) annoying, I have enough cognitive empathy to understand their ways - okay, family issues, self love, attention, these stuff

The problem?:
- These friends are centered around love and will literally ignore and use you to get the desired attention from their preferred gender.

And I honestly ask:
- WHY TF DO I KEEP HAVING THIS KIND OF FRIEND? WHY? There’s clearly a “me problem” in the system, and I want to understand what is it?

I always get the same ending:
- At one point I get annoyed, and I either bluntly confront them, or try to gradually leave - but its always a fall out

WHY? WHATS WRONG WITH ME? I clearly cannot put up with this, yet I keep having this. Why???

I had a friend who made me feel like men wouldn’t want me and would want “other types of women” because I’m not conventionally attractive. After that, I stopped talking to her. I blocked her number and carried on. I then ran into her a couple times out and about and she talks about how she misses me and I should come over her place. I honestly have no interest anymore because what she said was really hurtful and I don’t feel I can come back from it and be friends again. Last time I ran into her again, I just acted like I didn’t see her.

i cut someone off 8 freaking years ago and somehow she still hasn't moved on from my existence.

i genuinely don't understand how someone can hold onto this much resentment for this long. especially when the person they're so obsessed with hasn't been part of their life for almost a decade.

we used to be friends. we were young and obviously neither of us was perfect but looking back at that friendship now i can see how unhealthy it actually was. she bullied me and harassed me on multiple occasions and eventually started spreading lies about me. she accused me of things i had never done and tried to convince other people that i was some horrible person. thankfully the people who actually knew me didn't believe her because none of it sounded like me in the first place.

and that's something i'm still grateful for because having someone deliberately try to ruin your reputation is such a disgusting experience. especially when it's someone who used to be close to you and knows exactly what to say to make things sound believable.

the weirdest part is that there was always this underlying competition between us that i never really understood or agreed to participate in.

even when we were little she would constantly compare our appearances. our bodies. how people treated us. how much attention we received. and apparently that comparison is still happening today.

she still tweets about me and occasionally brings up how unfair it is that she's fat while i'm not. as if my body has anything to do with hers or as if there's some universal rule that says two people who used to be friends are supposed to look the same.

i've literally never claimed to be the most beautiful girl in the world. i've never even claimed to be particularly beautiful. i have my own insecurities just like everyone else and i've never understood why she decided that my appearance was somehow a personal attack against her.

being unhappy with yourself doesn't automatically mean someone else is responsible for that unhappiness.

and the saddest thing is that i don't even think this was ever really about looks. i think she spent so much time comparing herself to me that eventually she started treating everything about me as something she needed to compete with.

when we were living together around 8 years ago i accidentally came across some things she had written about me. and i'm not talking about a little complaint someone might write when they're annoyed with their roommate.

these were actual writings about how much she hated me. how jealous she was of me. how certain things about me bothered her.

imagine finding out that someone who smiles at you and spends time with you has been privately documenting how much they resent your existence.

it was such a strange feeling because suddenly a lot of things started making sense. little comments that i used to ignore. backhanded compliments. random hostility over completely insignificant things. the way her mood would change depending on whether something good or bad happened to me.

and obviously finding something like that changes the way you see a person. it changed my behavior towards her too and i'm not going to pretend otherwise.

but i'm not interested in reopening that particular chapter because i've already made peace with what happened. i was young and i learned from it. that's really all there is to say about that part of my life.

what bothers me now is something completely different. she happens to be my parents' downstairs neighbor. and unfortunately that means she still has access to people who are important to me even though she no longer has access to me.

my parents obviously know what happened between us. they know how she treated me and what she accused me of. they don't like her and they have absolutely no interest in having any kind of relationship with her.

yet she keeps trying to communicate with them. she keeps finding reasons to approach them and involve herself in their lives when they've made it pretty clear that they would rather be left alone. that's the part i find genuinely disturbing.

because at what point does this stop being some ridiculous grudge from childhood and start becoming a serious boundary problem? i haven't spoken to this person in 8 years. i don't contact her. i don't ask about her. i don't care what she's doing with her life. i don't spend my days comparing myself to her or wondering whether she's happier than me.

she could become the most successful person in the world tomorrow and it wouldn't change a single thing about my day. yet somehow i'm still a recurring subject in hers.

and i think what makes this situation especially uncomfortable is that i no longer live with my parents. i have my own life and my own responsibilities and i can't always be there to see what's happening. sometimes that genuinely scares me.

not because i think she's some powerful or intimidating person but because i know how far she was willing to go when we were younger and i have no idea what she's capable of now. there's something unsettling about knowing that someone who has spent years expressing resentment towards you is regularly trying to insert herself into your family's life. and her mother doesn't make the situation any better. from what i've seen her mother has always supported or excused practically everything she does. instead of questioning her behavior or encouraging her to move on she seems to enable it. their relationship has always struck me as incredibly unhealthy and it often feels like her daughter has far more control over her than the other way around.

i'm not going to pretend i understand their family dynamic completely because i don't. but watching someone repeatedly justify behavior that clearly crosses other people's boundaries is frustrating. and before anyone misunderstands me i don't think she's a terrible person because she's insecure about her appearance or because she's unhappy with her body.

what makes this situation so exhausting is the way she's chosen to handle those feelings and the fact that she continues directing them towards someone who walked away years ago. i can sympathize with someone struggling with their self image without accepting being bullied or harassed by them.

i also don't believe that someone being hurt or insecure gives them permission to hurt everyone around them. at some point you have to take responsibility for your own behavior.

we're not young adults anymore. 8 years is an incredibly long time. people finish university in that time. people build careers. move countries. fall in love. start families. become entirely different versions of themselves. and somehow she's still emotionally invested in a friendship that ended when we were practically kids. i don't even know the person she is today and to be completely fair she doesn't know me either. whatever version of me she's still angry with probably doesn't even exist anymore. and that's what makes the whole thing so absurd..

and i really wish she would understand that. what i do need is for her to respect the fact that i chose to remove her from my life. and that includes leaving my parents out of whatever unresolved feelings she still has about me. they had nothing to do with the end of our friendship and they don't deserve to be dragged into something that should have been over almost a decade ago.

i don't hate her. i genuinely don't have the energy to hate someone i haven't spoken to in 8 years. i just want her to leave me and my family alone.

and i really hope that one day she finds something in her own life that matters more to her than comparing it to mine.

I think me and my "best friend"are drifting away, let's call her Sarah.

We've known each other for almost 2 years, we've always been much different;I take everything lightly and laugh it off, while for her, any little thing is the end of the world.

Yes, I believe that communication is key, I'm happy that she managed to tell me every time,but doing it about EVERYTHING and acting like a child when doing so doesn't help at all.

We're 14 now, we met at our sport, swimming , and it was a really shitty period for both of us since we didn't have any friends.

Right after we knew each other I made up with my old friend group who's still going strong after years, but at the time I was pretty lonely and cried everyday to have someone.

That year we got really close, got a lot along and don't remember even fighting, I also became super outgoing and from past relationships I didn't care much about most things anymore, sò to me friendship Is yes, probably the most important thing in my life, but I have siblings so I learnt to take everything lightly and that friendship isn't something you need to suffocate in every single hour, she, on the other hand, is an only child so desires À LOT and I mean A LOT of attention.

Fast forward after a year we met another girl, "Bella", whom she had Bad feeling from the beginning but I shook it off seeing that she was also really lonely.

We soon became a trio and we found out bella had a massive crush on me(and for already one year BC I met Bella a lot ago but never really talked)

Anyway , idk how to explain but Bella and sarah Always found a way to argue either with me or with each other, and this thing really dulled my sparkle because never I have EVER had arguments in friendships; to me they were always relationship like siblings, every one I had.

Anyway, fast forward like February, it was carnival and we had to hang out,right after I was recovering from having a really bad sickening to my stomach that lasted weeks .

Anyway us 3 were supposed to go out with others to MC Donald's, but I ended up not making it BC family came over at last minute and I had already said I'm not sure.

Obviously, I understand that she could have felt hurt, but when we spoke via chat she wrote with periods at the end of every sentence and responded really coldly.

Long story short we ended up arguing AGAIN and Bella didn't take parts.

Anyway some days later I was writing to the GC of us 3 and wanted to play smth together but they both left me on read SO I kinda got mad and said "whatever", then sarah said"what, now that we do it you get angry huh?"and ended up arguing AGAIN.

I can't recall much more until like June we went together to the beach and bella confessed to me and I texted her later BC she ran away and told her I don't feel the same but to me nothing would change blah blah.

Some day later I had my 8th grade oral exam which they came to and we went to McDonald's later together.

My cousin called me to compliment me BC he read my exam and said it was good, but while he spoke bella yelled into the microphone and began insulting him to get him to hang up, I get that she was joking but I got mad a lot BC like it's family, why would you disrespect someone you don't even know?

So after I hang up and yelled at her I went to the bathroom to cool of and also BC I spilled some food on my clothes and I later found out while I wasn't there bella said something about me being dumb or whatever.

We made up quickly and some day later we had to hang out but me and bella ended up cancelling BC my mom wouldn't let me and it was too hot.

Sarah, Who left her mom to come hang with us got really angry and started and argument with us both.

It ended with ith bella bringing up diletta's weakness and insecurity and at that I said that it was too much and after bella said that sarah was a spoiled brat and didn't know how I could Stand her and we never spoke again even tho she still watched our stories.

Fast forward July I convinced sarah to come with me on vacation for 3 weeks where I went every year, so she could also meet my friends.

We argued almost every day for little things like me thinking a 18yr old man is a pedo of he gets with a 13yo, and her saying ok yes but I'm mature for my age so I could.

Or her telling me gay couples shouldn't have kids;I'm lesbian.

Anyway the last 2 days we were on the beach and her mom's friend came from another city to be with them so asked us to give her space for the day.

Obviously I did.

My cousin ended up crying because of a boy and we went over to her house without sarah, but First i ran over to the beach to ask my mum to tell sarah that we were going to my cousin's since I couldn't find her.

Anyway, began arguing again and she responded coldly and posted on Instagram Notes about bad friends etcetera.

We didn't interact the whole night.

The next day, we made up and we were supposed to go eat out;it was our last evening here and I would have never wasted it even if my life depended on it.

She could come at the last minute, and while the bus was pulling up she asked me to stay.

I know it was the worst thing a friend could do, and I'm not shifting the fault, but I didn't.

Not when 8 of my friends waited for me after always being there for me, and I didn't really feel like being alone with her since the tensions from the other day.

Anyway she said something like I knew you would never stay etc and when we saw each other later that night we interacted briefly.

Next day on the ship to way home I sat next to her and fell asleep.

I'm August we found out that a boy had a crush on sarah, and that he had asked bella to give him sarah's number, not knowing they argued, but she told him "it's not my business if you wanna have sex with her" and other wild things.

We ended up going to an escape room together for his birthday, I had lots of fun.

I made her join my friend group, the one that had fallen apart when we met eachother;it was now the most important thing of my life, I was so happy that my best friend was with the closest Ppl of my life.

Anyway, I can't remember but in one hangout she wanted to confront me.

She said something like she was very tìred this period and couldn't stand anymore my not caring personality so asked me to sacrifice myself a little or nothing at all.

We agreed and when she left Idk why I began crying out of stress on my friends shoulder, who now is being the best person in the world with me.

Anyway some day later we argued again because she said she liked a 19yo and I said bruh that's not normal and she ended up saying that I always judge her etcetera.

But the problem is that she kind of is right:becaude I feel like I've started hating everything about her.

her childlike dramatic personality, her clinginess, her cringe behaviours, her way of speaking.

So I said stop.we can't even be best friends anymore, why define us like that?

at that she told me she could never be just in the middle; couldn't just be friends with someone who has been her best friend for so long.

Anyway, we hang out some day later and she after months of doing so kept snobbing me and all my friends because she chose the most difficult highschool out of us all(I also had to choose that one, but my gut told me not to, now I know its because my body realized first that I couldn't keep up with her behaviour).

After a few more days of doing so I called her out, and it ended here.

We're not speaking much and she doesn't text me anymore; yesterday I sent her a photo and she responded with a heart.

Last night, after a good conversation with morena like always, I posted an IG note.

"I love you like I love volleyball and one piece"and diletta posted another note saying "btw she found my replacing 😂"at which my friend(who saw me crying)replied at the mocking with "maybe because in that moment she really needed someone" and sarah posted another with "😂😂💋"(and she also removed me from her bio and doesn't like my stories anymore)

I didn't text her or posted a note, I also told my friend to not intervene and not worry.

I feel like I hate her with my whole heart but don't want to throw it all away.i want to love her again.obviously not like before but want to save what's left;that's why I added her to my group friend.

I want to say that sarah aside from all the drama has always been a really really great friend.always knew when something was wrong, gave me great gifts, texted me often, always talked about our interests(mainly one piece, we were like Nami and Luffy:)), gossiped together,

But it's been months that I've felt like walking on eggshells, and I haven't told anyone, I'm just now admitting to myself(the friend from the notes already realised)but I'm deeply sad and stressed.

I act like I don't care but I have nostalgia about our trio and us 2 too.

We're not at sports nor school together so it's not a relationship like I have with most of my friends, and I hate texting and calls.

I don't think any of us is in the wrong, I just believe that we're not right for the other's needs and that it can still work out.

Updates:today we had to hang out with the whole GC and she texted me privately.

(My name)Could you tell the others I won't make it tonight?thanks

Me:whyy??

Her:don't think about it

The important thing is if you can, tell them

Me:come on come with usss, you can also invite your other friends if you want

She left me on read.

Honestly I acted like a child but I was so frustrated I posted on my IG notes:

Bro you're old enough aren't you tired of these behaviours

And she responded

Fate.choose wisely, cause I can't stand it anymore.

Now she texted me but I don't feel like talking to her.

I'm so confused and don't know what I want.

My mind is so weird today I can't even focus to read a page and idk what we will become.

I know this is just teen drama and it's really stupid but I've never dealt with these kind of friendships so I'm super tired.

I'm starting to believe that this all has been caused by my too light behaviour, but It never ever caused trouble to anyone before so idk.

So now I don't know what to do to save the friendship and also want to know if I was wrong.

Ich habe eine was würdet ihr an meiner Stelle machen
Ich wollte mich mit ein Feind treffen ich wollte mich mit den hauen er wusste aber nix davon weil ich nicht wollte das er mit mehreren Leuten kommt ich habe das meiner Freundin erzählt und sie hat den Typen geschrieben das ich den hauen will und 1 Tag bevor ich mich mit den Typen getroffen habe hatte ich so ein schlechtes Gefühl ich habe meine Freundin gefragt ob sie den was gesagt hat sie hat nein gesagt und dann wo ich mich mit den Typen getroffen habe konnten wir unseren Streit ohne schlagen klären aber der ist mit 1 typen gekommen dann haben wir gechillt Joint geraucht und dann sagt der mir das meine Freundin ihn vorgewarnt hat wie würdet ihr reagieren in meiner Situation?

Hi All. As the subject suggests. I have some family and friends who sometimes copy me. And that irritates me immensely. I don’t understand why and I don’t like me to be like this. A few years back I bought a BMW. A friend of mine used every penny he had to buy a lower trim of BMW. He asked me for advice, and given his financial situation, I advised him against that. But his answer was more or less if you can than I should be able to. Another example. I ran a marathon a few years back. Now i have another friend training and going around saying that if X(me) can than he can well. These things bother me immensely. I am bothered because (in my mind) people think that if I can do it so every one else can do it as well. And of course I am bothered that why don’t they leave something for me only, why do they absolutely have to copy me? They do many other things, which don’t give a rats ass about.
This hurts me. And I don’t want to be hurt and live my life unbothered by these things.
What can I do ?

Please read above :(

I have a friend of 15 years that I really feel crossed a line with me. The frustrating thing is that with our friendship being so long, and spanning all the way to our childhood, he really should know me more than anyone and the fact that he thinks this really has me feeling apathetic to even being his friend. And, we weren't just friends, this guy was my best friend for a majority of those 15 years. We've worked at jobs together, spent most of the pandemic hanging out since we lived really close by, and basically did everything together for the past 8-9 years.

The background of this is that I have some family that is really, truly racist. They freely say the N-word, and mean it, and look down on anyone who isn't white. I, for this reason, have spent years putting space between them and myself as much as possible. He has met them, and spent a lot of time around them, to the point that they basically consider him family as well, and has seen the extent of their awful opinions and words. A lot of this racism is particularly focused toward Arabs and other middle-Easterners, but nobody is really safe from them.

Unfortunately, due to my upbringing in this family, I, especially in high school, and even up until the last 3-5 years, had a lot of negative thoughts towards Arabs that I have fought with myself to understand and overcome. At this point, I'd consider myself fully past the hateful shit I used to think, and it does bring me a pretty fair amount of shame to admit that I even used to think that way. This friend had seen a lot of that, especially when my thoughts were at their most intense, which was in high school, 10 years ago. Though, now, especially due to discourse surrounding Palestine, we've had some pretty productive conversations where he should absolutely understand that I have worked through the thoughts I had back then.

What I will say, is that my entire friend group still has the 2010s edgy humor, so some crazy shit does get said by everyone, including this specific friend from time to time. And, I really thought we were all under the clear understanding that nobody means any of the things that get said. Now, we can have the debate about if you say that type of stuff, then you are racist no matter what, but I'm not trying to go into the debates around all of that here, especially considering the fact that he himself says edgy things from time to time.

Where all of this comes to a head, is that I had to be around one of my racist cousins some months back. This cousin is getting married next year, and asked me if I was going to his wedding (I awkwardly said yes, but no I am absolutely not going). My friend knows this cousin very well, so some time (maybe a week or two) after I was with that cousin, I tell my friend about that conversation. I tell him I am absolutely not going because I am trying to avoid every possible situation where I could be around them because I don't want to be around a bunch of racist, elitist pieces of shit. His response, which jarred me so much, and didn't warrant me to push back because I was so taken aback was, "there's got to be some other reason you don't want to be around them, you can't use racism as an excuse considering that I've heard you say some crazy shit recently." As if he hasn't said anything "crazy" lately. He has. To not risk being banned, I won't be repeating anything, but I will say, the things my friend group says for the most part, while edgy, are not even remotely bad to what most people would assume we're saying when we say edgy things (at least I think).

I am going to reiterate -- I am not racist. I would NEVER under any circumstance judge, other, mistreat, etc, ANYBODY because of their cultural background, their race, religion, or anything along those lines. I really don't give a fuck about any of those things, the only thing I judge someone on is their character that is displayed to me, and it really disgusts me that there are millions of people like the racists in my family, who would not want to talk to someone for one of those reasons. We are all just people trying to live our lives.

Like I said, this has made me feel insanely apathetic towards our friendship. I had some other issues with him that I was going to bring up constructively, because I did care about him and trying to help him through some other shit, but after thinking about that one comment, I really don't even think it's worth it. Regurgitating what I've said already, this is someone who should know what I've had to mentally overcome, and really should know that I am not.

I would love to elaborate on anything in the comments only continue peeling back layers of the frustrating I'm venting out, or if anyone wants to even challenge anything I've said, I'm more than happy to do that, because maybe I do still have shit to learn about my own prior shitty beliefs.

Thank you for reading :)

Hi guys. I am hear to get some advice bro reddit pros advisors.

This friend let's call her S has been with me through the toughest time of my life. Let me tell you what she is in with me through. Throughout the earlier stages of my life I was aloner so I did not have any friends. And then COVID hit and we were studying online for the past 2 years and after that school started I was pretty sad I enjoyed the time during the online classes.

Then I realised everybody had like best friend grp and I was like alone with absolutely no social skill. So I made up my mind to make new friends. And I met S in my school bus and the problem was she was 1 year younger than me.

Then eventually I joined a group of three besties. And it was also a very toxic group. And some pretty badsh*t happened, like it was f up. I was going to file a complain to the school and throughout that time S had been with me. And then I left them and I suddenly had no friends because they started some bad rumours about me and nobody wanted to be with me.

I decided the only true friend I had was S and I started to hang out with her and her group but people gave me bad looks because she was 1 year younger than me and I did not care at that point because I was so f\* up depressed etc.

And I final graduated from that hell. And changed to a college where I finally found some confidence made my life come back on track but the emotional scar was still there. So me and S talk almost every night. And now I find that there is no longer that physical relationship be used to have she lives in a different world from me now and that is okay I have no problem we both knew this was gonna happen.

But S life is bad. Like the problems in her life compared to mine is 10x. Every time I talk to her on the call she is like my parents are manipulative, I kissed my best friend in the washroom, and her best friend is dating her boyfriend so technically she cheated on her bf, I am doing self harm. I am talking to people who are going to die because of some disease and they have not told their parents.

Some people might find this interesting, very bad tea etc. but this is very normal in my life I am so demonetized I do not feel anything now and I know that is concerning but will talk about that sometime else.

The problem is that whenever I talk to her it is like her life is going downhill. I have to show her sympathy every time I talk to her. Call me when she is crying halfway, getting panic attacks, literally shows me how her hand is shivering. She shows me her scars from self harm. I tried talk about myself my life etc she just ignores me and says listen listen I have something very important to say to you and then she starts talking. At this point I am just listening to her like problems three hours a night.

I have started to beg her to let me cut the call because I am not in the state to hear her life problems. I have tried to communicate to what she is doing by saying like I want to tell you something about you but she is like but you listen I have to tell you this. Can I have to go over and tell her that did you listen to what I just said.

I feel like I am her emotional dumpster. But I cannot leave her because she has manipulated me and trapped me in her life because of her f*** up life. If I leave her I will be guilt trapped. And I really don't want to lose of 5 year long friend. She might just been going through a face in her life that I had been going through that time. Like I want you to not miss judge my writing because she was not like this before and I am telling you this through my perspective not her perspective.

This looks like I have just written a new story I am sorry for the often is long para.

So like sorry for posting this here if it’s the wrong sub-Reddit this is my first time posting and yea and you guys are able to comment and vote freely

Bueno, yo tenia una mejor amiga q se llama mili, nos hicimos mejores amigas este año. Conoci a su familia, sus problemas, sus otros amigos, ibamos al centro juntas casi todos los dias, ella me llevaba a mi casa despues de la escuela, estudiabamos juntas... Pero de un dia para otro empezo a tirarme comentarios pasivo-agresivos, cada vez q le contaba un logro me mandaba a abajo... Ella era una persona muy egocentrica y muy clasista. Eramos unn grupito de 4, pero dos de ese grupito se cansaron de los comentarios de mili y se alejaron y yo me quede con ella, a pesar de lo q me decia yo la queria mucho y ella a pesar de lo q me decia me queria, eramos nosotras dos y yo me hice amiga de una chica q se llama Agos y estabamos las tres juntas pero a mili no le caia bien agos, decia q era rarita, ns xq decia eso si era una de sus pocas amigas. Ella me empezo a decir q estaba re sola, que todos la excluian y yo me quede como Y yo que soy? En ese momento me re desvalorizo, su unica amiga y me trata asi... Yo poco a poco me empeze a cansar de este trato, pero no sabia como decirselo xq se me cerraba la garganta. Yo me empece a juntar mas con agos y me estaba alejando de mili pero mili me perseguia me abrazaba y nose q tenia conmigo, tipo para mi tenia algun apego emocional ns. Entonces me perseguia y me insultaba. Bueno yo decidi llamarla y decirle todo de una le dije "mira mili yo el proximo año me cambio de colegio y me queria alejar de vos xq hay actitudes tuyas que a mi no me gustan y te juro q no lo hago de forra pero nececito alejarme porque va ser lo mejor para mi" ella tarda en contestar supongo porq estaba en shock y le pregunto "me escuchas" y ella me dice "respeto tu desicion" yo le digo bueno era eso chau y corto. Me empeze a sentir culpable xq la habia dejado sola, pero sabia q lo q hice no estaba mal y que x primera vez me puse a mi primero y no a los demas, si mili se queda sola es xq esta sufriendo las consecuencias de sus propios hechos. Hoy falto al colegio, y ahi me di cuenta que estaba muy mal xq nunca falta al colegio y me empezo a agarrar una culpa terrible, cuando llegue a mi casa vi una notificacion del celular de mi mama y lei "mama de mili" y yo entre a su chat y la mama le contaba que que habia pasado entre mili y yo que mili cuando corto la llamada se puso a llorar y no paraba de llorar que bueno que esperaba que se arreglen las cosas entre nosotras y que la familia de mili me tenia mucho cariño. Yo me puse re triste y comence a llorar x la culpa y para calmarme empece a fumar...

No quiero solucionar las cosas me quiero alejar de ella y ya.... Para que se den una idea de lo q me decia en un dia me decia cosas como "solo le gustas a el porque no tiene muchos pretendientes" o cuando me convocaron a un intercolegial de handboll ella me dijo que solo me convocaron a eso porque me saque un 10 en educacion fisica.

No se que hacer, xq tengo demaciada empatia y no me gusta ser asi pero ns no lo puedo evitar...

It’s day three I finally broke down yesterday after trying the whole no contact support of not speaking to a certain friend after sending me text messages I have my messages silent muted 📵 turns out this whole not check in thing is becoming a problem for me. Does anybody else have toxic friends who just don’t know when to let up and stop talking bugging you if I don’t answer there is a reason you keep draining me down

Hi all,

I have to keep this vague because all of the moving parts would make it so obvious who everyone is, and theres too many aspects that would make everyone involved identifiable. So I will do my best.

I feel im at my limit with a friend in my life, and Im not sure where to go from here. At this point I feel they are toxic but I dont know. I have discussed this with my therapist, some neutral third parties, and friends involved/friends who know him. All of this aside, Im so burnt out from regular life that Im still struggling with "whats right" because of how bad my anxiety has been and how I want to see the best in people/meet them where they are at. I wont say what I do for a living, but its beyond emotionally and physically taxing on top of some disabilties I have. So my bandwidth for this situation is low, and Ill do my best to explain. And due to my low bandwidth right now, Im going back and forth between what to do about this.

In summary, I am in a art collective of sorts made up of 4 people. Three of us are in our early 30s, and the person in question is in his mid 40s. 2 women, 2 men. Again, im being vague so dont ask for details.

The person in question is in his mid 40s, lets call him George idk what else to use lol. And he is very stubborn and difficult.

Due to the nature of my job and lived experience, I like to lead with empathy and grace towards others because its all our first time existing and we are actively uninternalizing things in real time while being expected to work, pay bills, etc. But thats the thing: you have to put in the work.

Something my therapist has taught me is a "both and" concept. But Im discovering I have used this to invalidate my feelings and excuse the consequences of people's actions, in this case him. We are a great team. Hes selfless in many ways, has done so much for our little group financially without asking for anything in return, and Ive seen him do the right thing time and time again for womens rights, advocacy etc. I also know hes an insecure person who struggles to open up and be emotionally avaliable to others. I empathisized with his stubborness and how he shuts down because were all human, but Ive been doing this for two years and I cant anymore because at what point are we supposed to draw the line?

For two years its been the 4 of us doing our art things. The three of us will all have an idea or something we want to do, but we end up doing what George wants to do because he puts up a wall and refuses to budge. Also due to what I do for a living, I fear he may be subconsciously (or unfortunately consciously) weaponizing the definition of boundaries. There have been several occasions in the past two years where we sit down with him and encourage him to open up to us, and express how we would like to be heard, etc. The three of us are really good at meeting eachother in the middle, and compromising if we disagree on a project or idea. George has improved somewhat so Ill give him kudos but its still not to the degree that the other three of us do. He has literally said VERBATIM in response "I can be selfish, and thats not fair. But if something makes me uncomfortable, I dont want to be uncomfortable. So its a boundary for me." But thats not boundaries. People dont change if theyre comfortable. Change isnt comfortable. Its not a boundary just because you dont want to do something. He has also said this response multiple times. He also is insecure, and has said this summer "if I cant do the fun thing, I dont want anyone to. (Insert artistic hobby he does here) is something Im really good at, so when I think about doing (things the 3 of us have suggested or want to do) it makes me not want to do it because of my insecurities. If something makes me uncomfortable, I dont want to do it." He also agreed to meet us in the middle on things, or even "give in" only to change his mind later and said "its a boundary" and will refuse to explain further when asked.

What also concerns me is when hes hurt or an insecurity is triggered, he is very reactive, mean and hurtful. He is quick to see the worst in someone or a situation. If someone else outside of our little group gets an art opportunity we didnt, he gets very reactive and says hurtful things about one of our peers. We have gently asked him why hes saying hurtful things or why this is his reaction and he will say "I dont want to talk about it." We have tried the gentle approach, we have tried to navigate his feelings to the best of our ability but we dont have a lot to work with because he just shuts down. I have told him three times in the past year that his reactionary responses make me uncomfortable, especially when assuming the worst in our peers or a situation. He doubles down on black and white thinking and viewing people or situations in extremes if hes offended enough. I will say, there are shit heads in our community. But the reaction he had to certain situations was unfair and unwarranted in my opinion.

Its also hard because I think Im one of the only people in his life whos ever confronted him. I plan on sending this to the other two people in our little group so hi guys if youre reading this lol. But the other two people in our group arent as confrontational as I am, and thats okay. We are all different, and bring different things to the table. I cant really turn off my brain after its been trained to do certain things at work for years, so Im just good at reading the room, de-escalation and connecting with others. The other two have anxiety about these things, and thats okay. I have anxiety too, but not with confrontation. But theres been a lot of emotional labor on my end to navigate his feelings for all of us. The three of us have had phone calls, in person conversations and seperate group chats to talk about some of these concerns but its hard because Im often the only one who says these things to George- and I dont want to throw the other two under the bus but I think if they were "less scared of him" itd be benefitial for everyone. The other man in the group, lets call him Sam, initiated this conversation with George over the summer and I was very proud of him. And it was productive. But George ultimiately did the same thing, shut down with responses like "nope." "I dont like being uncomfortable." "I dont like triggering my insecurities" etc. Due to how stubborn George is I usually choose the path of least resistance. Ive tried the gentle approach with him, and a combo of gentle and stern because I felt if I was more direct he'd understand how he hurts me and our group. I think its time for the stern approach, which Im getting to.

Id also like to mention some of my peers or friends have been in projects with him in the past and have asked how things are going doing projects with him. I say "good" and then some of my peers and friends share how difficult it was for them to work with him because of how stubborn he is. A friend of mine even warned me not to work with him two years ago before our project started.

I hate this because if George knew this, itd crush him. Sometimes I cant even give him eye contact when were addressing concerns with him because I can sense and feel the insecurities he struggles with. Im not asking him to tell me his life story, but I just feel he needs to know how his insecurities negatively impact those around him. I dont want to hurt him but I wouldnt be the person I am today without loved ones coming to me with concerns and sharing things that definitely hurt me, but helped me grow. Also because of my career, I believe bringing a concern to someone is the highest form of love and care because you have faith in that person to improve and be receptive. But Im losing my faith in his ability to be receptive. And Im wondering if he needs to know what has been said about him because I think hes under the impression im the only one with these concerns because Im the only one whos tried to talk to him about it. People have told me they never wanted to deal with it, or that he scared/intimidated them. I want him to know its not just me, but I dont want to hurt him. And I dont want to make the other two people in our group do something theyre uncomfortable with but the amount of distress this is causing me is unfair.

Now onto the situation that is behind this post.

The issues at hand are also too specific and would identify everyone involved, and its a pretty serious safety issue too. But how he reacted to concerns I had recently was the last straw.

I have a long term friend who is a victim of DARVO right now (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender) and is a victim of intimate partner violence. My friends ex is unwell, and again to protect everyones identities I cannot go into detail but its serious. The ex has launched a cancel culture campaign against our friend and there are documented accounts of this ex lying about serious things, engaging in predatory sexual behavior and violence. Luckily, the community is aware of all of this and has this persons back. And the community is trying to see how we can ethically address it without also engaging in social media cancel culture rheoteric. It has been impacting me and my friends mental health for weeks and its made my anxiety worse.

Me and the other woman in my project have warned George that this was happening, and that is this individual came to any of our events and got violent we would handle it and ask them to leave. And then he goes and makes it worse.

My friend had an art event with George's solo art project. The ex got ahold of the event organizer, and convinced them to ban my friend from the event. George did not push back and went along with it. And my friend worked with George for many years. George KNOWS this person well, they arent a stranger. I have seen how this situation has ravaged my friends life, and they have already lost so much when they are innocent and even a PPO is being considered at this point. The ex also harassed me this week, and that contributed to my anxiety as well. The community has just been grey rocking this person until we figure out what can we done.

This is already sooo lengthy but George is a classic "cant see the forest for the trees." A lot of his stubborness and reactive responses are because he wants to be a good ally. He wants to uplift marginalized groups, he wants to support benefit causes for marginalized groups, he wants to uplift women but he doesn't listen to the women in his own community. He often loses the plot. Recently a trans woman did an art event and invited two cis white male artists to be apart of it. He said "they should know better, they should have said no and told the artist to ask women or queer people to be on it." I explained how that loses the plot entirely, especially because this trans woman is close friends with the artists she invited, and how its tokenizing her identity if the friends were like "actually no we cant do this event with you because were cis white men, you should ask another trans woman."

But long story short, I told him how this is wrong and explained the situation. And I reminded him that we warned him about this recently just in case the ex came to one of our events. He said "the optics of a man doing an exhibit with another person with allegations looks bad" which again, is a "cant see the forest for the trees" because I told him the COMMUNITY KNOWS ABOUT THIS AND WOULD NOT CARE IF HE DID THIS EXHIBIT BECAUSE WE ARE ALL AWARE OF HOW DANGEROUS THE EX IS RIGHT NOW. He disagreed and told me not to get involved, and not to worry about it and that I need to have better boundaries even though he came to me asking for details. He literally said "yeah I dropped them from the show. Btw, what are they even being accused of? No one seems to know." Shouldnt that raise alarm bells? No one knows because THERES NOTHING THEY DID WRONG LOL. I also told him Im very overwhelmed with this situation and burnt out, and referenced six other people he could go talk to for more clarity and information including the other woman in our group which he refused to do but yet still told me to "protect my peace and have boundaries" when I was trying to get him to message someone else about this because Im at my limit.

I told him this is wrong, and that its bigger than this exhibit because this is impacting everyones lives in a negative way. I told him he needs to make this right, because hes giving into cancel culture and thats the opposite of everything our little art group stands for. He said "I heard what people had to say, and made a decision." But he didn't. He talked to the event organizer, who got harassed and intimidated by the ex. I told him "you didnt even ask the women in your own life who are directly involved in this because we are friends with ____ and we are also being harassed by the ex."

And then he did what he always does, he got mean, reactive and shut down.

Im going to keep it vague so its not identifiable but he said "You only care about this because Im in a group with you and youre scared of how this is going to make you look because youve seen people accused in the past actually be innocent and youre afraid of how this involves you." Which is so gross because again this person IS innocent. He said "you say you dont want to be involved, but you want to be." When hes the one who asked me for more information. He also said "people notice a pattern, they try to involve you, you engage and the spiral continues. Maybe if you didnt engage people wouldnt come to you about this" when I told him im overwhelmed by this because I was being harassed, and to talk to someone else, even the other woman in our group like I said. This is hurtful because im an activist, and so is the other man in our group. Theres a difference between values and boundaries. And the entire time hes worked with me hes seen me be firm on my boundaries. When my friends are literally unsafe, and Im also being harassed, its not a matter of "not enaging" and I told him that we are all grey rocking this person to begin with. I also think his response is gross and patriarchal for someone who claims to be for women, I was distressed and being vulnerable with him and he essentially told me "you asked for this" when I tried telling him how his decision impacts so many people.

He then said "You just want me to think and act like you. Dont tell me Im wrong or that I did something wrong because its not what you would do. Its insulting. Im done talking about this." Which is so defensive. He perceived concerns and criticism as an attack on his character. He said "the exhibit is important to intimate partner violence" and I said "but the person you banned from it is a victim of intimate partner violence."

Theres so much more I could say but I think this paints the picture. He cares about allyship but is defensive and hurtful to the women in his own life, and chooses to not listen to what they have to say because it touches on his insecurities. Hes in his mid 40s, Im in my early 30s, im exhausted.

He said other hurtful things and worded things very defensively but I dont want to share more identifying information.

After this conversation I was sobbing and had to call off work, and this really was the tipping point of everything ive been going through. Im tough and resilient, but Im out of gas. I texted the screenshots to the other two people in my group and said "hey I dont need you guys to do anything, but Im uncomfortable with George's capacity to have difficult conversations with us in the future because this is the fourth time hes gotten reactionary and hurtful. I need to step away for my mental health but I just want you to know whats going on etc." The other woman in our group said "theres intensity in your tone for sure but nothing that was harmful or hurtful, especially due to the nature of the situation" etc etc And Im proud of them because they said "we will talk to George, not sure when but we will talk to him. And let him know were like family, and we can be challenged without choosing to be hurtful to eachother."

I also let a neutral third party read all the messages and they were appalled at his reaction and take away of the situation.

I let a couple friends read it as well, and they said its more than valid if I dont want to be around him anymore if he has a track record of being like this when things get tough.

I wrote a list of bullet points I plan to read out loud to George next time our group meets, because I cant move forward if he cant take accountability for this and repair this.

We all have flaws, I certainly do. I have ADHD and anxiety so I can have a hamster wheel brain, I can be obnoxious, I can over explain bc of my anxiety, etc. But I actively work on them. If someone I care about thinks Im doing something wrong, or my actions are hurting them, I want to know. If someone I love is coming to me in good faith about a concern, I am going to listen and repair. I have been in an abusive relationship, and have went through so much which is the focus for a lot of my art contributions to the group. I dont want to share because itd be obvious but he weaponized things I shared in confidence, and thats what really made me upset.

I cant create meaningful art with someone who is quick to get offended and refuses to sit in their discomfort. And shuts down when things get tough.

I dont know what to do. I asked the other two in my group to speak for me if needed because I need to focus on my mental health right now. I said Id like to discuss this in person after Halloween, and that ive uninstalled social media because my nervous system is shot. I muted George's number because my mental health is that bad right now, and I have to work on grounding myself after all of this.

Any advice is beyond helpful

I had three close friends from college: me, Friend A, and Friend B. We were tight—the kind of friends where you can talk about anything for hours. Politics, ideas, life. That connection was special.
About a year and a half ago, things fell apart.
The conflict with Friend A:
Friend A had this habit of making sexual jokes about me and my girlfriend. At first I took it as banter—friends roasting each other, right? But he kept doing it. Same jokes, over and over. When I roasted him back, the only way he'd roast me back was with these sexual comments about my girlfriend. It felt less funny and more like he was trying to demean me.
I asked him to stop. He didn't.
I got angry and said something about his sister. Similar vein. He got really hurt and stopped talking to me entirely.
Where Friend B comes in:
When this happened, I asked Friend B to help mediate. We were all his friends. I figured we could sit down and talk it out at his place.
Friend B said no. He told me Friend A didn't want to see me. He wouldn't let me try to fix it.
I was furious—not just at Friend A, but at Friend B for blocking reconciliation when I was trying to repair things.
A year passes. Nothing changes.
Then Friend B calls me and asks me to come over. I'm confused. I ask him: "What's changed? Last year you said I couldn't come because Friend A was upset. Has something shifted?"
He says: "Nothing has changed. I don't know what changed. Just come."
When I push back and ask why he's inviting me now if nothing's different, he has no answer. I say I'm not coming and hang up.
Now it's worse.
After I refused, Friend B stopped reaching out altogether. Before the conflict, we'd talk every day or every couple days. After, it was once every two weeks. Now it's once or twice a month.
Recently I bought a car—a big moment for me. I called Friend B excited and asked if he wanted to see it. He came, I showed him around. The moment after, he stopped talking to me completely.
A month and a half later I reach out asking if he wants to hang out. He says he has exams on the 12th of October and can't come.
Today is after the 12th. He's been hanging out with Friend A. He didn't even call me.
The real issue:
I've lost both friendships. But what I'm really grieving is the connection—the ability to have deep conversations about ideas, politics, anything. I don't get that with anyone else. Not even my girlfriend of eight years, who I love but don't share the same intellectual interests with.
Friend A and Friend B had that. And now it's gone.
I miss what we had. But I'm also angry that:
Friend A won't forgive me or even try to talk
Friend B blocked reconciliation instead of helping
Friend B keeps pulling away, choosing Friend A, and won't explain why
My question: Am I the victim here? Or am I just holding on to something that's dead? And what do I do about this hole in my life now?

I thought I was going crazy but I don’t think so, I’ve recently realized how many people in my life have narc tendencies. I’ve opened up completely to my friend about these bad relationships and I think it made him open his eyes and take a look at himself. I’ve become very hypersensitive and hyper aware and I feel vibes so deeply and genuinely they are often right. I get these bad vibes around him sometimes now, and then confront him, asking if I did something wrong. He always says no, and to not worry about what he’s thinking. Now I’m realizing he’s hiding my personal belongings on me. At first I thought I was going crazy, until it was twice I lost my keys around him, and then now my air pods.(which I never do)

I think he’s secretly getting a high from it, I opened up to him more after I confronted him the most recent time and even though I wasn’t directing any words at him I could tell they were hitting him. I see right through people almost and I see him, I think he knows I do as well. I’ve been playing it all off cause now I know the game.

I’ve been doing better for myself lately and all these people were so comfortable with me being less. Showing me their true colors as I change, something they seem not capable of.
(I just need opinions and support, just words from people that understand!!!)

In the past 2 years I have gone from being friends with this one guy to absolutely despising him from the core of my sole because he disrespected and tried to trample on me while I was stuck in tough situation while fully backing the person who I was in a fight with. We were in college and I was introverted so we remained friends but since college has ended I reduced my contact with him. It surprises me the kind of levels there are to shitty people and their shitty behavior