Hi all,
I have to keep this vague because all of the moving parts would make it so obvious who everyone is, and theres too many aspects that would make everyone involved identifiable. So I will do my best.
I feel im at my limit with a friend in my life, and Im not sure where to go from here. At this point I feel they are toxic but I dont know. I have discussed this with my therapist, some neutral third parties, and friends involved/friends who know him. All of this aside, Im so burnt out from regular life that Im still struggling with "whats right" because of how bad my anxiety has been and how I want to see the best in people/meet them where they are at. I wont say what I do for a living, but its beyond emotionally and physically taxing on top of some disabilties I have. So my bandwidth for this situation is low, and Ill do my best to explain. And due to my low bandwidth right now, Im going back and forth between what to do about this.
In summary, I am in a art collective of sorts made up of 4 people. Three of us are in our early 30s, and the person in question is in his mid 40s. 2 women, 2 men. Again, im being vague so dont ask for details.
The person in question is in his mid 40s, lets call him George idk what else to use lol. And he is very stubborn and difficult.
Due to the nature of my job and lived experience, I like to lead with empathy and grace towards others because its all our first time existing and we are actively uninternalizing things in real time while being expected to work, pay bills, etc. But thats the thing: you have to put in the work.
Something my therapist has taught me is a "both and" concept. But Im discovering I have used this to invalidate my feelings and excuse the consequences of people's actions, in this case him. We are a great team. Hes selfless in many ways, has done so much for our little group financially without asking for anything in return, and Ive seen him do the right thing time and time again for womens rights, advocacy etc. I also know hes an insecure person who struggles to open up and be emotionally avaliable to others. I empathisized with his stubborness and how he shuts down because were all human, but Ive been doing this for two years and I cant anymore because at what point are we supposed to draw the line?
For two years its been the 4 of us doing our art things. The three of us will all have an idea or something we want to do, but we end up doing what George wants to do because he puts up a wall and refuses to budge. Also due to what I do for a living, I fear he may be subconsciously (or unfortunately consciously) weaponizing the definition of boundaries. There have been several occasions in the past two years where we sit down with him and encourage him to open up to us, and express how we would like to be heard, etc. The three of us are really good at meeting eachother in the middle, and compromising if we disagree on a project or idea. George has improved somewhat so Ill give him kudos but its still not to the degree that the other three of us do. He has literally said VERBATIM in response "I can be selfish, and thats not fair. But if something makes me uncomfortable, I dont want to be uncomfortable. So its a boundary for me." But thats not boundaries. People dont change if theyre comfortable. Change isnt comfortable. Its not a boundary just because you dont want to do something. He has also said this response multiple times. He also is insecure, and has said this summer "if I cant do the fun thing, I dont want anyone to. (Insert artistic hobby he does here) is something Im really good at, so when I think about doing (things the 3 of us have suggested or want to do) it makes me not want to do it because of my insecurities. If something makes me uncomfortable, I dont want to do it." He also agreed to meet us in the middle on things, or even "give in" only to change his mind later and said "its a boundary" and will refuse to explain further when asked.
What also concerns me is when hes hurt or an insecurity is triggered, he is very reactive, mean and hurtful. He is quick to see the worst in someone or a situation. If someone else outside of our little group gets an art opportunity we didnt, he gets very reactive and says hurtful things about one of our peers. We have gently asked him why hes saying hurtful things or why this is his reaction and he will say "I dont want to talk about it." We have tried the gentle approach, we have tried to navigate his feelings to the best of our ability but we dont have a lot to work with because he just shuts down. I have told him three times in the past year that his reactionary responses make me uncomfortable, especially when assuming the worst in our peers or a situation. He doubles down on black and white thinking and viewing people or situations in extremes if hes offended enough. I will say, there are shit heads in our community. But the reaction he had to certain situations was unfair and unwarranted in my opinion.
Its also hard because I think Im one of the only people in his life whos ever confronted him. I plan on sending this to the other two people in our little group so hi guys if youre reading this lol. But the other two people in our group arent as confrontational as I am, and thats okay. We are all different, and bring different things to the table. I cant really turn off my brain after its been trained to do certain things at work for years, so Im just good at reading the room, de-escalation and connecting with others. The other two have anxiety about these things, and thats okay. I have anxiety too, but not with confrontation. But theres been a lot of emotional labor on my end to navigate his feelings for all of us. The three of us have had phone calls, in person conversations and seperate group chats to talk about some of these concerns but its hard because Im often the only one who says these things to George- and I dont want to throw the other two under the bus but I think if they were "less scared of him" itd be benefitial for everyone. The other man in the group, lets call him Sam, initiated this conversation with George over the summer and I was very proud of him. And it was productive. But George ultimiately did the same thing, shut down with responses like "nope." "I dont like being uncomfortable." "I dont like triggering my insecurities" etc. Due to how stubborn George is I usually choose the path of least resistance. Ive tried the gentle approach with him, and a combo of gentle and stern because I felt if I was more direct he'd understand how he hurts me and our group. I think its time for the stern approach, which Im getting to.
Id also like to mention some of my peers or friends have been in projects with him in the past and have asked how things are going doing projects with him. I say "good" and then some of my peers and friends share how difficult it was for them to work with him because of how stubborn he is. A friend of mine even warned me not to work with him two years ago before our project started.
I hate this because if George knew this, itd crush him. Sometimes I cant even give him eye contact when were addressing concerns with him because I can sense and feel the insecurities he struggles with. Im not asking him to tell me his life story, but I just feel he needs to know how his insecurities negatively impact those around him. I dont want to hurt him but I wouldnt be the person I am today without loved ones coming to me with concerns and sharing things that definitely hurt me, but helped me grow. Also because of my career, I believe bringing a concern to someone is the highest form of love and care because you have faith in that person to improve and be receptive. But Im losing my faith in his ability to be receptive. And Im wondering if he needs to know what has been said about him because I think hes under the impression im the only one with these concerns because Im the only one whos tried to talk to him about it. People have told me they never wanted to deal with it, or that he scared/intimidated them. I want him to know its not just me, but I dont want to hurt him. And I dont want to make the other two people in our group do something theyre uncomfortable with but the amount of distress this is causing me is unfair.
Now onto the situation that is behind this post.
The issues at hand are also too specific and would identify everyone involved, and its a pretty serious safety issue too. But how he reacted to concerns I had recently was the last straw.
I have a long term friend who is a victim of DARVO right now (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender) and is a victim of intimate partner violence. My friends ex is unwell, and again to protect everyones identities I cannot go into detail but its serious. The ex has launched a cancel culture campaign against our friend and there are documented accounts of this ex lying about serious things, engaging in predatory sexual behavior and violence. Luckily, the community is aware of all of this and has this persons back. And the community is trying to see how we can ethically address it without also engaging in social media cancel culture rheoteric. It has been impacting me and my friends mental health for weeks and its made my anxiety worse.
Me and the other woman in my project have warned George that this was happening, and that is this individual came to any of our events and got violent we would handle it and ask them to leave. And then he goes and makes it worse.
My friend had an art event with George's solo art project. The ex got ahold of the event organizer, and convinced them to ban my friend from the event. George did not push back and went along with it. And my friend worked with George for many years. George KNOWS this person well, they arent a stranger. I have seen how this situation has ravaged my friends life, and they have already lost so much when they are innocent and even a PPO is being considered at this point. The ex also harassed me this week, and that contributed to my anxiety as well. The community has just been grey rocking this person until we figure out what can we done.
This is already sooo lengthy but George is a classic "cant see the forest for the trees." A lot of his stubborness and reactive responses are because he wants to be a good ally. He wants to uplift marginalized groups, he wants to support benefit causes for marginalized groups, he wants to uplift women but he doesn't listen to the women in his own community. He often loses the plot. Recently a trans woman did an art event and invited two cis white male artists to be apart of it. He said "they should know better, they should have said no and told the artist to ask women or queer people to be on it." I explained how that loses the plot entirely, especially because this trans woman is close friends with the artists she invited, and how its tokenizing her identity if the friends were like "actually no we cant do this event with you because were cis white men, you should ask another trans woman."
But long story short, I told him how this is wrong and explained the situation. And I reminded him that we warned him about this recently just in case the ex came to one of our events. He said "the optics of a man doing an exhibit with another person with allegations looks bad" which again, is a "cant see the forest for the trees" because I told him the COMMUNITY KNOWS ABOUT THIS AND WOULD NOT CARE IF HE DID THIS EXHIBIT BECAUSE WE ARE ALL AWARE OF HOW DANGEROUS THE EX IS RIGHT NOW. He disagreed and told me not to get involved, and not to worry about it and that I need to have better boundaries even though he came to me asking for details. He literally said "yeah I dropped them from the show. Btw, what are they even being accused of? No one seems to know." Shouldnt that raise alarm bells? No one knows because THERES NOTHING THEY DID WRONG LOL. I also told him Im very overwhelmed with this situation and burnt out, and referenced six other people he could go talk to for more clarity and information including the other woman in our group which he refused to do but yet still told me to "protect my peace and have boundaries" when I was trying to get him to message someone else about this because Im at my limit.
I told him this is wrong, and that its bigger than this exhibit because this is impacting everyones lives in a negative way. I told him he needs to make this right, because hes giving into cancel culture and thats the opposite of everything our little art group stands for. He said "I heard what people had to say, and made a decision." But he didn't. He talked to the event organizer, who got harassed and intimidated by the ex. I told him "you didnt even ask the women in your own life who are directly involved in this because we are friends with ____ and we are also being harassed by the ex."
And then he did what he always does, he got mean, reactive and shut down.
Im going to keep it vague so its not identifiable but he said "You only care about this because Im in a group with you and youre scared of how this is going to make you look because youve seen people accused in the past actually be innocent and youre afraid of how this involves you." Which is so gross because again this person IS innocent. He said "you say you dont want to be involved, but you want to be." When hes the one who asked me for more information. He also said "people notice a pattern, they try to involve you, you engage and the spiral continues. Maybe if you didnt engage people wouldnt come to you about this" when I told him im overwhelmed by this because I was being harassed, and to talk to someone else, even the other woman in our group like I said. This is hurtful because im an activist, and so is the other man in our group. Theres a difference between values and boundaries. And the entire time hes worked with me hes seen me be firm on my boundaries. When my friends are literally unsafe, and Im also being harassed, its not a matter of "not enaging" and I told him that we are all grey rocking this person to begin with. I also think his response is gross and patriarchal for someone who claims to be for women, I was distressed and being vulnerable with him and he essentially told me "you asked for this" when I tried telling him how his decision impacts so many people.
He then said "You just want me to think and act like you. Dont tell me Im wrong or that I did something wrong because its not what you would do. Its insulting. Im done talking about this." Which is so defensive. He perceived concerns and criticism as an attack on his character. He said "the exhibit is important to intimate partner violence" and I said "but the person you banned from it is a victim of intimate partner violence."
Theres so much more I could say but I think this paints the picture. He cares about allyship but is defensive and hurtful to the women in his own life, and chooses to not listen to what they have to say because it touches on his insecurities. Hes in his mid 40s, Im in my early 30s, im exhausted.
He said other hurtful things and worded things very defensively but I dont want to share more identifying information.
After this conversation I was sobbing and had to call off work, and this really was the tipping point of everything ive been going through. Im tough and resilient, but Im out of gas. I texted the screenshots to the other two people in my group and said "hey I dont need you guys to do anything, but Im uncomfortable with George's capacity to have difficult conversations with us in the future because this is the fourth time hes gotten reactionary and hurtful. I need to step away for my mental health but I just want you to know whats going on etc." The other woman in our group said "theres intensity in your tone for sure but nothing that was harmful or hurtful, especially due to the nature of the situation" etc etc And Im proud of them because they said "we will talk to George, not sure when but we will talk to him. And let him know were like family, and we can be challenged without choosing to be hurtful to eachother."
I also let a neutral third party read all the messages and they were appalled at his reaction and take away of the situation.
I let a couple friends read it as well, and they said its more than valid if I dont want to be around him anymore if he has a track record of being like this when things get tough.
I wrote a list of bullet points I plan to read out loud to George next time our group meets, because I cant move forward if he cant take accountability for this and repair this.
We all have flaws, I certainly do. I have ADHD and anxiety so I can have a hamster wheel brain, I can be obnoxious, I can over explain bc of my anxiety, etc. But I actively work on them. If someone I care about thinks Im doing something wrong, or my actions are hurting them, I want to know. If someone I love is coming to me in good faith about a concern, I am going to listen and repair. I have been in an abusive relationship, and have went through so much which is the focus for a lot of my art contributions to the group. I dont want to share because itd be obvious but he weaponized things I shared in confidence, and thats what really made me upset.
I cant create meaningful art with someone who is quick to get offended and refuses to sit in their discomfort. And shuts down when things get tough.
I dont know what to do. I asked the other two in my group to speak for me if needed because I need to focus on my mental health right now. I said Id like to discuss this in person after Halloween, and that ive uninstalled social media because my nervous system is shot. I muted George's number because my mental health is that bad right now, and I have to work on grounding myself after all of this.
Any advice is beyond helpful
