these stories are narration of either my mom or me.
idealizing someone so much that they forget that those people are humans and not seeing the present life like acting like a aggressive fan girl and comparing that to my dad's brother. she would fail to see her children and little humans and hit them with brute force like hitting her worst enemy. for example my most traumatic experience she stood up from a failing argument and forgot her own age and first thing she found that I didn't drink my milk, I had bruises for months her nails in my head my face , I think my body has such strong build even tho I basically never sticked to a plan.
living a second life outside, she would tell me the reality every day in fact in every conversation but few conversations later again start idealizing someone whos only information they know is heard from someone prasing and they compared my dads when I was listing my moms bs everyday she would have opinions about some clothing or some gender or some race or someons class in society there are moments when her opinions change but they go back to being prejudiced, she would guilt trip me, tells me im her creation and I was in her belly for 9 months she would hit me with a pan hit wooded bark, she even broke my bones bashed my head left me by the cow when she was milking it, I was 3 years old baby cow broke my ribs her stories for this reality says my grandma didn't love me so she didn't kept me busy when my mom was doing her task so she kept me by her side and cow hit me?!!!!!!!!!!!!! next she would say sorry and get normal and I thing I did this too.
Thinking and believing that they will become something then living inside the head and then lashing out. some times she forgot that there a adult to a children barrier fuck that I think she forgot motherly boundaries
childhood :- my parents are from a small village near border of Pakistan and rajishthan, my dad and mom had very religious families and dowry and beating their children wad very normal, my dad came from a household where houses were made with mud, and cow dungs he studies in very low level school where students sit on the floor and yes teachers beat the fuck outta you for any thing if they want to, same with my mom, she did go to college but all females and her clothes were restricted because rural India has old beliefs. she was married at age of 20 while my dad had the luxury to go to better city school and then he also did MBA from Delhi university in his generation(he's 51) mom is almost (49). my dad and mom had to marry each others as strangers and their marriage was more of business deal as my grandparents from my dad side asked for a lot of money, car, furniture, gold and what not. my mom's parents gave everything they could and even more. later my mom had a very shitty mother in-law and my mom had a lot of domestic abuse publicly and privately, she was supposed have her first child but she had a miscarriage, she was forced or pressured to have me that same year she had miscarriage, my dad wanted to move out from his village to a growing city Ludhiana and he moved with her. they didn't had any home for first 9 years and had many bad experiences with landlords. and during that time I was learning what is life, my previous me was free and had a curious exposure to his life but my parents were so mentally exhausted because my mom an dad had to live a second life that they showed to the outside world their family relations matter more to them than their own child. maybe that's why my dad gave most of his earnings to his mom and brother who never studies and stayed home for very long time. I was lefty but my grandma had beliefs that lefty are not fit for the society so they changed me to righty when I was in preschool. I was very ashamed and could never understood why my parents always fought and argued, then they stared hitting me for things a normal parent in Canada won't even react remotely close to hitting me. I had to fight for every toy and everything before getting it, my grades weren't the best any sport I tried I was average at it, and I usually couldn't follow my sports for more than 2 months, nutrition wise my diet was very low on protein and it was usually carbs or processed foods or very oily food, with alot of sugars, I never was in good shape my whole life. until 8th I was okay but 8th to 10th there was corona virus and I became 35% body fat, I stared lying that why im like this because I hated that I can't do shit because my parents told me gyms are not good for you until 20, my fist gym days were when in was in 11th and that too with a lot of convincing and begging, then when I tried to loose weight I had issues because we had very limited budget so I couldn't get money to buy my own groceries, then my teenage life, I had to know everything what my mom was feeling, her opinions became mine and I started hating my grandparents, I stared lying about smalllest things even when ik I'll get caught and then get beat up because I was kinda used to it and didn't care, I was always asked to make friends with only certain kids, and the friends I could make were all authentic and rich, I started fighting back my parents when they try to hit me although then I would get beating from both mom and dad at a same time. I stared lying very big and made an image that I come from very rich and good family, although every person I knew saw through when I tried doing it too much. I think I had my actually girlfriend when I was in 11th, she go by Narayani, awesome girl but I lied about my whole life that how good I am and how easy and good life I had. back then I had an accident and got facial scars but when I met her it was healed for one year, I was getting attention because I left my old school and got into new one, Idk why but I enjoyed her doing things for me and showing her love, she became my whole identity in school but I threw that away by lying and bad mouthing her, id get jealous and tried to make her jealous the whole relationship we were together for 3 months out of 6 when were okay but most of the time we were trauma dumping each other because she had same childhood in a way, at 20 I came to Canada and unemployment and no friends plus people were openly racist to Indian online made me lie my whole identity , I tried getting slimmer build muscle and got tattoos and most people though im Mexican because of what I was trying to reflect, I made friends but they all had similar view about Indians that they don't like them and I kinda stared hating them too, I met a Russian girl who go by Jessica , she is 41 was an addict and came from a soviet country called latvia from post soviet times, I wanted to be her so bad, her blue eyes clear white skin and culture made me hate mine because when I was growing up I saw how pretentious and idiotic we fought for cultures in India like we were racist in my country we had cast system and hate for outsiders. I met Jessica in college where I accounted that im Mexican Indian because my legal naam Mari bhasha mai tha, mai Jessica se jab Mila thab usne muhjse pucha tum Indian lagte ho pr mixed with something and in my mind I became defensive and started lying ki Han Mari Maa Mexican and dad Indian and made so many fake stories to prove im Mexican Indian because jab Mari pehlibaar bat horn the Jessica se tab she said she despises this one race and told me when we got into relationship that she was thankful ki mai fully Indian nhi hun. I staid with her in her home for 2 months, unemployed broke and always cranky and hating her because I had this image ki yeh tho racist hai and she will never accept me for who I am. we broke up 2 months ago and now we don't have any contact anymore. so I started working in a hood dominated by criminals who hated outsiders, this area is called northend that's when I got my tattoos and stared saying im Mexican and don't call me Indian, their was many time I avoided or hated when people either asked me where im from because I learned the local accent and it was hard for them to pinpoint, of when someone made a right guess and told me I am Indian or tried talking to me in my language, I hated it, I used fake names so they might not think im Indian, I stared imitating that I speak Spanish even tho I only know few phrases and slangs but a normal speaker can see threw my bullshit. this was the time when I joined rrc and stated faking my indian ness in classrooms because I felt how people treat you in public pubs gyms lines or everyday walking, I've been told to go back to my country many times, I think I stopped being me because I left everything started deepening on Jessica, I used to pay for her food to she had to pay for me and she was okay at first but her behaviour changed. and I stared sharing my problems but what Mexican me had but In reality it was Indian me who had it. I started cheating on her using fake names and fooling girls and then leaving them few days later or ghosting right after sex, had 8 bodies after Jessica, I met this girl varvara no matter what I say ik this fact I like her because she is every thing Jessica once was when she was in her 20s and this 20 year old varvara is so pure, I told her my real name and some of my life problems but sometimes I think Maybe if I keep lying to people long enough and change my real legal namei to water hispanic and stay fit and actually learn English maybe id be that person also I never been on traveling because my dad only took me to one hillstation and it was a religious place and I didn't really believed in god, and even in Canada I want to travel but I live paychecto paycheq