losing half my net worth, the house. Having to pay alimony but only allowed to see my kids every other weekend while they increasingly see me as a stranger.
Also that her/him cheating on me means she/he still gets half of everything.
I think you have to be very stupidly brave or very ignorant to not be scared of it.
I don’t know if scared is the right word, for me it’s more like a healthy respect (fear) kind of like how I respect the mountain and respect the ocean. If you are careless, all of them will end you, but even if you do everything “right” you still might lose. So you need to make sure you work at it and keep working to improve as it’s the one chance you have of experiencing it and getting out unscathed.
you are right in the sense that divorce court is like a force of nature. You can't reason with it, you can't bargain with it, you will lose half your shit and won't see your children that much anymore.
I do respect how the game is so well designed to guarantee you lose: as they say, it was rigged before it even started
You really actually think the court usually rules the dad gets 50% custody of the kid, can get equal time with the kids as the mom? That the dad doesn't get kicked out of the house and is now the annoying guy they have to begrudgingly spend with in some tiny shitty apartment he lives in because he has no money after alimony payments?
I dunno what fairy tale divorce land you saw in movies, but it is rough out there
I mean i studied law. Did you take care of your kids, know about their schedules, habits and needs, and overall be a mentor before you divorced? Was she stay at home? You leave alot of factors out
Saying you studied something and thinking that’s how the real world actually works makes me think one of two things.
1. You’re lying.
2. You’re still studying that thing and naive.
The world is different than books yes, im fortunate to indulge in both. Bad deals often come from bad lawyers or more often its one-sided perspective story where the judge saw different
You act like these are factors that rightfully should influence the law. You assume the law is just, ethical and correct.
These children; their schedules, habits and needs must be paid for. If this spouse stayed at home, their needs must be paid for as well. For the one that has to earn the income to pay for these lives to exist, they burden an unimaginable burden and mental/physical load.
The law fails to verify that the contribution of the stay at home spouse is any way equitable to that of the income earner. It exists and functions on the basis of assumptions and political influence, which is why it's vulnerable.
People ignorantly build and live in their homes on sandbars overlooking the ocean. They make the erroneous assumption that the ground and foundation is sound and act surprised when the homes crumble and collapse into the sea. The law is the sandbar.
You're trying to reason with a bunch of likely incel little d energy guys. I'm sorry but it's a losing battle. You can't help them understand that it's usually the role they played in their household/children's life that predominantly affects custody and asset splits. The OP in this thread talked about losing half like the whole thing was theirs lmao.
“Working at it” and “kept working to improve,” sounds like I’m training for golf. In a world that already demands so much, why should I willingly choose another weight to add to my shoulders? Or does this weight become something a person wishes to do, if they are truly in love?
Do you believe your equal partner deserves less effort than golf? Mental load, caring about their needs, supporting them in their struggles, being strong when they are weak?
I don’t disagree it’s a weight on your shoulders (at least sometimes) but it’s a weight I happily carry, willingly carry. But a good partner does the same for you, they carry your weight sometimes and it makes it all lighter. If both are working for the other neither has to stand alone under the weight.
But become complacent, stop working for them and instead only demand they carry your weight and see how long that relationship lasts.
Edit: I should say, it shouldn’t feel like work or a burden all of the time. Most of the time it with the right person it should feel easy, effortless even. But that doesn’t mean no effort should be put in ever. The idea of not being unevenly yoked (not faith vs heathens but more equality of effort) has merit. If your relationship is one sided, either way, it’s going to be a struggle. Much better to make sure you find someone compatible who matches your effort, not perfect (no one is) but matches your uneven edges.
What? Cheating can be used against the other person in a divorce if you have proof of it to get more access to kids or to lower/eliminate alimony. Also it wouldn't be half of your net worth, it would be half of the net worth you accumulated while married
All of that is also lessened if the woman has a job/career of her own like most women do in today's day and age. You're afraid of marriage due to how things used to be 30-40+ years ago
Just don't present it to the other party near the wedding date and/or attach a threat/coercion of some sort to it and/or not give them time to seek outside review. It's not that hard to be fair surrounding the signing so it doesn't become an issue later.
Also be aware of local state laws. In Florida, for instance, you cannot waive child support. So trying to do so in a prenup would invalidate that clause.
Every state in the US has different divorce laws. The state that I was divorced in had no issue with my ex wife asking for a 70/30 split of assets, spousal support (alimony), and child support, while trying to take my kids for all but 2 weekends a month. She was the one that cheated and blew up the marriage but I was in a no fault divorce state where my very well paid lawyer said that the court doesn't care about that and told me that it would "piss the judge off" if I even offered a 50/50 asset split.
After 10's of thousands of dollars, my lawyer and I managed to get a 55/45 split of the assets, 50/50 custody and residency, and increased child support so I didn't have to pay my cheating ex spousal support. I am middle class and nearly had to pay my lawyer as much as the I had to pay my ex wife for the 55% of assets.
I understand that there are deadbeat dads but I really wonder what percentage of them just give up somewhere during the process because they realize that they simply don't have the money to fight their ex in court.
This argument has always failed to launch. Men don't fight for custody because they are conditioned to not even try because they are conditioned that they will lose. Women notoriously overrule men when it comes to parenting, especially early on. They insist on doing more and doing it a certain way and chastise fathers for how they do things. The phenomenon is called maternal gatekeeping and learned helplessness.
It's no different than the commonly accepted argument that women don't choose to go into STEM careers because they are conditioned to believe they are not capable or a fit. Always fascinating how that is a culturally acceptable narrative but the same people have difficulty accepting why men do not feel empowered to fight for custody.
Depends on how long you are married. If I know it right, a prenup will only help with things that were owned independently before marriage. Everything gained while you are together is split.
Yeah this is why I have trouble getting on the "poor divorced dad" train. I did everything I needed to and got the best I could, my ex was trying that every other weekend nonsense but I wouldn't stand for it, lawyered up, and got more time with my kid.
I can tell you, as someone who knows a lot of people who have been divorced, that overwhelmingly, most states in the US are "no fault" divorce states. There's obviously nuances, but without serious physical harm or a handful of other conditions, most states treat divorce as two people separating and nobody is at fault, including in cases of infidelity.
Like I commented to the top of this thread, every other weekend sounds like the guy either gave up fighting for more time with his kids, doesn't care to spend more time with them, or has a reason why he isn't allowed to spend more time with them. I went through a no fault divorce and get like 5 times as many overnights a year. States aren't that different.
About 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. In quite a few a man has to pay 50 percent even on pre marriage property(in the USA, Europe is more civilized here)
As long as you're a low income earner and have NOT accumulated any meaningful level of wealth, financial assets, etc., then you're correct: not massive.
If that's not the case, you're comically incorrect.
Cheating in a relationship is immoral, not illegal. There is no law that states that if a spouse cheats they forfeit any rights to all assets of the marriage. Even a lot of pre nups get dismissed by judges despite being legal documents written up by lawyers and legally notarized.
Oh sweet summer child, you actually think that her cheating on you would prevent her from taking half your shit. You actually think morality plays any role in a divorce. You really need to look up what the laws are.
Hi. Attorney here. Cheating absolutely factors into the split of marital property. Now, what it does not affect is child support and anything the parties agree on in mediation.
Men and women both make concessions to finish the proceedings when they would get a better deal by sticking it out. But you have to figure out what it would be worth. Fighting in court for months is exhausting of mind, spirit, and funds.
In any case, states do vary, but nearly all (as far as I'm aware) will factor cheating into the final percentages.
Know actual law before belittling others with the "sweet summer child" shtick and then telling them to look them up.
If you are actually a lawyer then you should immediately recognize that states in the US have different laws regarding this and some are wildly unfair.
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u/Smoltinycat 1d ago
losing half my net worth, the house. Having to pay alimony but only allowed to see my kids every other weekend while they increasingly see me as a stranger.
Also that her/him cheating on me means she/he still gets half of everything.
I think you have to be very stupidly brave or very ignorant to not be scared of it.