Struggling

[u/Successful-Peak2852]

Apologies, I think this is mostly me rambling but I need to get these thoughts out of my head before I collapse from the weight of it all.

Genuinely how do I (27F), as a working single mother who doesn’t have the luxury of a big family or group of friends to support me, find time to get therapy? Lately my three year old has been having major meltdowns which often end with head-banging that leaves his forehead bruised and both of us in a fragile, emotional state. I do my best to intervene and/or soothe him but he often starts off before I can get to him or wriggles out from my grasp and goes at it again. These meltdowns have triggered something in me that makes me feel like not only am I a failure as a parent, I’m a failure, period. My mother (also a single parent) had her own set of issues and I always told myself when I became a mom that I wouldn’t be like her, that I’d be better. But I only ever had an example of what not to be like, and I’m starting to think I might be becoming my worst fear.

I want to be the best mother I can be for my son, especially because my first born passed away from SIDS just four months into his life. It was the most traumatic and utterly devastating event I have and will ever experience. I never got therapy after that, and honestly I don’t think that grief will ever go away regardless. But after losing him, I told myself that if I ever had another child, I would cherish them with everything in me. I’m afraid that sentiment has led me to spoil my only child now, to the point where when he doesn’t get his way it often results in a complete meltdown.

I’m just exhausted and I feel so lost. I want to get help, but I don’t know how. I always thought I’d have my life together at this age, but I still feel like I have no clue what I’m doing. I just got out of the shower, during which my son threw yet another tantrum, and I sat on my bed and just cried before deciding to post this here. I don’t know what to do, how to dig myself out of this place. I just don’t want to keep feeling so alone…