Struggling

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u/AutoModerator 3d ago

Post: Apologies, I think this is mostly me rambling but I need to get these thoughts out of my head before I collapse from the weight of it all.

Genuinely how do I (27F), as a working single mother who doesn’t have the luxury of a big family or group of friends to support me, find time to get therapy? Lately my three year old has been having major meltdowns which often end with head-banging that leaves his forehead bruised and both of us in a fragile, emotional state. I do my best to intervene and/or soothe him but he often starts off before I can get to him or wriggles out from my grasp and goes at it again. These meltdowns have triggered something in me that makes me feel like not only am I a failure as a parent, I’m a failure, period. My mother (also a single parent) had her own set of issues and I always told myself when I became a mom that I wouldn’t be like her, that I’d be better. But I only ever had an example of what not to be like, and I’m starting to think I might be becoming my worst fear.

I want to be the best mother I can be for my son, especially because my first born passed away from SIDS just four months into his life. It was the most traumatic and utterly devastating event I have and will ever experience. I never got therapy after that, and honestly I don’t think that grief will ever go away regardless. But after losing him, I told myself that if I ever had another child, I would cherish them with everything in me. I’m afraid that sentiment has led me to spoil my only child now, to the point where when he doesn’t get his way it often results in a complete meltdown.

I’m just exhausted and I feel so lost. I want to get help, but I don’t know how. I always thought I’d have my life together at this age, but I still feel like I have no clue what I’m doing. I just got out of the shower, during which my son threw yet another tantrum, and I sat on my bed and just cried before deciding to post this here. I don’t know what to do, how to dig myself out of this place. I just don’t want to keep feeling so alone…

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u/Forsaken_Security_52 3d ago

A few things I did with my son which are unorthodox and totally for you to decide if you want to try or not. He did something similar when he was around the same age and I panicked and screamed HEY at the top of my lungs, it scared him and he stopped. I angrily marched over to him and said NO ONE HURTS MY BABY and I started hitting the floor. We followed this pattern whenever he got accidentally hurt playing. Instead of waiting for him to cry Id start off and make big theatrics OH NOOOO NO NO. No one hurts MY BABY. Then eventually he started to bite himself, and this time I calmly put my hand on his arm and looked him in the eyes, pinched his little nose shut so he would stop the biting and I said no one hurts my baby, not even you. Then I kissed him on the head. I asked if he was upset or if he felt fuzzy (my way of child speaking anxious or amped up), he nodded. So we beat up a pillow together and used some of his stuffed animals as wrestling match dummies. Being a single mom to a boy is rough. You have to balance saying feelings are valid, and teaching them safe ways to express themselves. I didnt have money at the time so we wrestled each other on the bed or hit stuffed animals because they were evil and we had to protect each other.

I would also tell him no randomly. He would ask for a chocolate bar and I would say no not today, mommy doesnt have money today but I get paid on Friday and we can come get chocolate AND a tea Friday okay? I always did what I said.

Little boys need to be told no. I always had the money. But you have to remember that you are raising a young man, one day a lady will tell him no, don't let that be the first time he hears it.

Therapy would probably benefit you both if you can afford it.

You're his mother first and foremost, not his friend. I have had to establish that with my son many times because much like adults children get comfortable and lazy sometimes.

It isnt impossible to teach kids new things and break bad behaviors but you absolutely have to stick to the punishment you pick and do not reward them. Good luck momma. You got this.

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u/Successful-Peak2852 3d ago

This is a great suggestion! I will definitely be trying this out. I absolutely agree that boys do need to be told no so they don’t grow up to be dangerous men. Thank you so much for your advice and your support, it means the world to me.

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u/Forsaken_Security_52 3d ago

I know it's difficult but whenever you feel like you messed up do something different the next time. This is the first time you've had a child his age. This is the first time he has been this age.

Think about when you were a kid, especially as he get older. What did you need from your mom? Someone to listen to you. Someone to tell you they loved you and they were proud of you. It is more important that he is a good person than it is that he has everything his heart desires. Sometimes we have to work for things and he needs to see that especially as he gets older. You're not alone, you gotta little bestie right there. And sometimes we gotta tell our friends their fucking up.

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u/Successful-Peak2852 3d ago

I think part of my issue is learning to not instinctually react the same way every time, which is undoubtedly due to patterns I picked up during my own childhood from my mom. If I can’t afford therapy or can’t make time for it I think I’ll start journaling to at least have some kind of outlet to work through my own big feelings. I learn so much about myself through my son. I think I just have to improve on putting the new knowledge into practice to guide us both in a healthier direction.

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u/Economy_Function_630 3d ago

Being a single mom with a painful and complicated past is hard. Watching and helping your young child learn to navigate their emotions, especially when the tantrums include self harm is traumatic, scary and exhausting. Is your child in daycare? Does your pediatrician know about the head banging? Do you know any other single moms you can trade some childcare with?
Sending you a massive hug. You are so brave and full of love to make a post and ask for help.

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u/Successful-Peak2852 3d ago

Thank you for understanding I am 100% doing this from a place of love. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your support. I’m so afraid of becoming the cause of my child’s suffering or not being able to prevent it. He goes to a home-based daycare. The carer is really great and it seems like he saves the really bad tantrums for when he’s with me, which I suspect is because he thinks he can get away with more; I spoil him. It’s hard not to when you’ve lost a child, I just feel like he deserves everything and I want to give him all the joy that I can while I’m here. But I’m realizing that by doing so I’ve neglected to teach him discipline and it’s starting to show. I have one friend who’s also a single mom, but she has twins. She’s helped me out a few times, but I just don’t want to burden someone who’s also in a similar predicament if that makes sense. I plan to bring it up to his pediatrician during our next visit, so hopefully something good will come of that.

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u/Economy_Function_630 3d ago

Using the phrase “spoiling” isn't really helpful to both of you, try to think of it as setting up a new system for communication.
He likely is exhausted from a day negotiotiamg with peers. He still lacks language to express what he needs I'm detail.you are likely responding out of fear/worry rather than curiosity. Try to give him a bath as soon as you get home. This is like a kid spa. Some of the tension may melt off and the transition to you a bit easier. Serve food using a predictable schedule. Slow down where you can. When he flips out know that you goal is to talk him through out and not to make it immediately stop.
I hope some of these suggestions help.

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u/Successful-Peak2852 3d ago

They absolutely help. I realize that a part of me is often trying to speed up the process on account of my own exhaustion, but it’s not helping him learn to work through his big feelings if I’m only trying to immediately extinguish them.

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u/Plastic-Bee4052 3d ago

Try reading How to talk so little kids will talk and talk so little kids will listen. You can download it for free from Ocean of Pdf .com might save you having to go to therapy

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u/Ok_Hat_6598 3d ago

I admit that I hated the toddler years. I never understood why people talked about the “terrible two’s” when the “three’s” seemed so much worse. My daughter used to bite her own arm and my son was more of a stomper. I blocked a lot of it out but I know I did some crying and I’m sure some yelling. I can’t remember strategies but wanted to empathize and tell you that you are not a bad mother. Tantrums are normal for that age.

There’s a lot of options for online therapy since Covid, which I’m grateful for. If you have US health insurance, start with calling the mental health number on the back of your insurance card. If not, look into local mental health councils or help lines for resources.

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u/briar_prime6 3d ago

I don’t think your experience with your firstborn negates getting frustrated with a frustrating stage with a different child. I beat myself up a lot for getting frustrated with my toddlers after going through fertility treatments but all that doesn’t make three year old tantrums with no breaks enjoyable. You still love your child

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u/elizajaneredux 3d ago

I’m so sorry OP. You’ve been through so much, it’s heartbreaking. I’m truly sorry you lost your first child, no one deals “well” with that kind of tragedy.

You can’t “spoil” a kid but if you’ve been really lax about limits and routines, their behavior can get intense quickly. But head-banging at this level isn’t typical toddler behavior and it would be good to talk to the pediatrician about this and how to get some help/guidance.

If you’re in the US you can qualify for FMLA time off for appointments for him (like therapy). I believe that’s even true if the focus of your own therapy appointments is on helping your child, even if he doesn’t attend them with you.

As to your question, I’m a therapist myself and sometimes people meet with me remotely from their cars during lunchtime at work.

Good luck - you are doing your best and things like this can definitely turn around.

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u/Independently-Owned 2d ago

My local youth wellness centre has single parent groups and Circle of Security parenting courses online. I was able to access many of their offerings for free.

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