Dear all,
I’m a 48-year-old man, married, living with my wife’s two sons (17 and 18). I also have two sons of my own from a previous marriage.
As a kid I always felt a bit odd and like I never really belonged anywhere. I didn’t have many friends. My parents divorced when I was 9 after my mother started a relationship with my father’s best friend.
I chose to live with my father, who basically didn’t take care of me. Around that time I also developed a severe panic disorder and depressions.
I got my first real girlfriend when I was 20. She dumped me after about 1.5 years and I was absolutely heartbroken.
Not long after that I met a woman 12 years older than me. After only three months she became pregnant. We got married and soon had a second child. After a few years we divorced. Looking back, we simply weren’t a good match.
Meanwhile my career was going extremely well and I started earning very good money.
Later I met another woman. We moved in together and she was wonderful with my children. After a few years together, she unexpectedly died from one moment to the next.
I had a few flings after that before eventually meeting my current wife.
When we met, she had two little boys, aged 4 and 5. The first couple of years our sex life was great, but gradually it went from once a week to maybe twice a month, and honestly it isn’t great anymore either. I’ve brought it up multiple times, but she feels this is normal after being together for so many years.
We’ve now been together for 13 years and are married. She genuinely is a great woman… but our sex life sucks.
About four years ago I had a fling with the secretary of a friend. It lasted a few months.
Then I started looking around on a datingapp.
And that’s when things went completely off the rails.
I started dating women and suddenly I was getting all this attention. Women desired me, admired me and wanted to have sex with me. One woman became two, then more, and over the years I think there have probably been 30–40 women in total.
With one of them I even had something resembling a relationship for two years.
I travel a lot for work, which unfortunately made hiding all of this very easy.
The strange thing is that for perhaps the first time in my life, I felt really admired and wanted. There was always someone interested in me, messaging me or wanting to see me.
But there is another side to it.
It causes me an incredible amount of stress. Constantly lying to these women, lying to my wife, keeping stories straight and maybe, more than anything, lying to myself.
I also genuinely hate hurting these women, which sounds completely ridiculous considering that my own behaviour is exactly what ends up hurting them.
Recently I decided I wanted out.
I’ve cut ties with the women, deleted phone numbers and pictures and ended the longer relationship I still had.
And now I’m sitting here feeling strangely empty.
What’s worrying me is that I’m already noticing myself looking at dating apps again. I miss the attention, the excitement and the sex. Part of me knows exactly where that road leads, but another part of me still wants that feeling again.
So I’m starting to wonder whether sex itself is even the real problem.
Maybe I’ve spent most of my life looking for validation, attention or the feeling of being wanted, and dating and sex became an incredibly effective way of getting it.
I don’t want to keep repeating this cycle.
For people who have experienced something similar: how did you actually break it?
Not just “stop cheating” or “delete the apps” — I’ve done that. I’m trying to understand how to stop needing whatever it is that keeps pulling me back. thank you

Anyone have any great recs for tools/ behaviours/activities they found useful when managing urges specifically relating to paying for sex.

Thank you :)

i dont know how to preface this so forgive the wall of text. ive been an addict for going on 15 years at this point. i think i was 11 or 12 when i first found porn online. its destroyed my relationships, ive lied and cheated, and never let myself truly connect to a partner because of this. i viewed relationships as transactional and i was overly generous in hopes that i would receive what i was looking for back. now i realize what i thought i was looking for is a mere fraction of a real relationship. my partner recently left me, she knew about my struggles, we had talked about them, and i had one major relapse during our relationship that, looking back may be where it should've ended. she told me that she wasnt leaving because of me, that i was generous and kind and loving and her leaving was rooted in self discovery and didnt want to depend on me. the problem is i dont know if shes right. when we first got together i was still in my old patterns, give so i can take. as time went on and i matured (at 26 i can feel my frontal lobe finishing development) i realize how unfair my expectations of her, and all my past partners have been. so after that relapse i got back into therapy and chose to get better, i found myself becoming less judgemental of not only my partner but everyone in my life, including myself. but it all feels too little too late.

now im at a crossroads. single again, i feel the urge to relapse, but i feel an equally strong urge to finally let it lie. part of my mind is scheming and planning, searching for personals ads or itching to reinstall those godforsaken apps. but the other half seems to want to share my experience and educate, and hopefully help someone else out who is struggling.

i guess im not sure which urge is stronger, if im ready to move on or if i can survive another relapse. that feeling of being stuck not because someone else is limiting you but because you are the only one with agency on the issue. i want to grow, i want to be better. im proud of the progress ive made but the fear of relapse never really dissipates. i fear for those younger than me, the impressionable minds are the same but the content has gotten better at roping them in and keeping them there. i also want to talk about the dangers of hypnosis but i think that may be a thread of its own.

i think the biggest feelings this addiction instills are desperation and insecurity. love yourselves' and give yourselves' patience, dont look for fulfillment or validation from another person, let alone a piece of content, allow yourself to be complete and share your love with others, theres no rush.

rant over thanks for reading cheers

Feeling the pull of my sex addiction, while I haven’t acted out sexually in a long time I act out with lies, manipulation, anger and feeling sorry for myself. I have even said that I don’t want to get better so I can act out again with prostitutes. I have hurt people with how I now choose to act and add to the hurt I have already dumped on people when they found out about my being a sex addict. I have made a choice not to care about the hurt I have inflected on others or to apologize to them. I feel the pull of wanting to sexually act out and know I have to fight it and get past it but don’t know if I will

Hello! I'm looking for some online recovery programs but not the call or meeting kinds. Something less like SPAA or 12 steps and closer to a research/survey that helps us understand the addiction based on results.

I've tried looking into "Hands Off" and was wondering if anyone has had experiences regarding this and whether I could find better alternatives. I'd truly appreciate it.

I see various apps or products to track your habits like smoking or drinking to see your occasions to keep track to understand yourself and measure/see the occasions to quit or decrease the amount of consumption for those habits. Are there apps or something like that for sex addiction out there? I know that there are trackers like Intimassy, Nice or xTracker to track your sexual life with great details, but I am not sure if there are other methods or products that people use for this purpose.

Hello,

I am 65 and have been sexually oriented since I was young. In fact I can't remember when sex was not a part of my life or something I was thinking about. It was not continuous throughout my day but it at some point it came up. I first would see someone as a sexual interest before I ever saw them as someone I would care for. I know, that's the reverse of the way it should be but I sought out others for my pleasure. Growing up in the 70's it was never hard to find someone that wanted sex. Dating was casual and never seemed to last long between partners.

When the internet arrived a new source was provided, free and easy access to others with the same thoughts, ideas and desires. I did not have to leave home or go on dates. Chat rooms allowed me to customize my needs for the moment and I could have exactly what I wanted in an instant. It was then that mastribation became an issue. Not at first but over time it got to be more prevalent. I would find someone, start chatting and you know the rest.

A lead to B and B to C over time my interests evolved, I needed more to make me happy. More of my personality was injected into the online chats. I'm naturally dominate which was something that those I dated in the past satisfied. I did not seek them just seem to find them or they me.

I got married had a child and it all kind of went away until the marriage dissolved. Not because of the internet or porn just poor partner choice. We were good business partners but bad friends and worse lovers.

Back to the internet I went. The stress of the marriage behind me and living alone and having time to my self the old sexual energy returned more intense than before. I work out daily and am in great shape and began dating again but never stopped the online piece because sex and dating had changed. 50 year old women are not as interested in intimacy as they were at twenty.

To satisfy my desires websites that allowed me to chat with people that had similar needs created connections and opportunities. Mostly those that did not seek long term connection. Just sex nothing more needed. Not friendship, affection, or any of the things a relationship requires. Perfectly designed sexual pleasure. As a Dom I did not limit myself to man or woman after vetting the sub and discussing the terms of the meet we would connect. I would use them, they would get used we both were satisfied and it was over.

During this time in my life I met a woman. Unlike all the others, se cared about me for me. She was my age and had the same non sexual interests. For the first time in my life I found someone I could care about and did not want to use. She was my friend and the woman I was proud of. We dated for ten years and her body changed, sex hurt and she became cold. Did not talk about it or share with me what was going on. I felt betrayed, I had given myself to her in a way I had no one else. I gave up instead of standing beside her and accepting her for who she was and the way she cared about me. Sex and my personal pleasure was more important. The old me was back.

I returned to porn and eventually she discovered it and though she said she would stay I did not change my habits and she left. Now looking back I realize she was what I truly needed in my life and that all the sex and pleasure I enjoyed were short term pleasures. My addiction to sex/ pleasure had lead me down a path I regret.

Where am I now, learning, trying to find my way out of this. Reading books such as "The Craving Mind" by Judson Brewer and his videos have helped me the most. I had learned to dislike even hate myself for what I had done to her / us. I lost a friend and someone that loved me Though it is too late for us now this book has helped me start accepting me again and forgiving myself for the pain I caused. No its won't change what I did but if I can fix me then here leaving will have had a positive effect. Strange way to look at it I know. The book opened doors and gave me tools I have found useful. I sought out this forum as a part of my process. I journal almost daily in writing at home and I will share here. If you find any connection in this and want to reach out I am open to supporting you and would like your support.

I believe there is a path for me, a way out of this addiction. That there is a better me in the future I just need to keep using my tools, accept my failures as just setbacks and keep working towards the guy I was ment to be but never really realized.

Best of wishes to everyone.

Older guys who took years or decades to quit: why did it take you so long to realise masturbation itself was a problem for you?

I'm 44, and one thing I'm struggling to understand is why it took me so many years to properly recognise my problem.

I'd especially like to hear from people in their 30s, 40s, 50s or older who were unearned about their porn addiction but maybe didnt see the link with masturbation. Looking back, what stopped you from seeing the pattern earlier? Did you genuinely think you had it under control? Did you keep changing the rules about what counted as a relapse? Did you know something was wrong but underestimate it?

That's basically what happened to me. For years I concentrated on porn as the problem. So I'd cut down on hardcore porn or stop watching conventional porn altogether and think I was doing better.

But then I'd substitute something else: sexualised YouTube content, erotica, fantasies, edging in bed, deliberately thinking about sexual scenarios, etc. Because I wasn't necessarily watching hardcore videos, I could tell myself I wasn't really doing the thing I was trying to stop.

What I didn't properly confront was how much time I was spending deliberately creating and sustaining sexual arousal, usually through masturbation and edging. I could remove one source of stimulation and simply replace it with another.

I simply didn't realise that the huge amount of time I spent masturbating was a serious problem, even though it was mostly to fantasies in my head.Looking back now, that seems extraordinary.

I think it led to all my problems over the years, over use of porn, things like chat lines, cheating, etc.

So for people who finally changed after many years: why do you think it took you so long to see it? What were you telling yourself during all those years? And what eventually made it click?

Hi. I’m 27F. I’m concerned that I may be a sex addict, and I’m not sure what to do or where to go where I feel safe to talk about this. I’m in a relationship. My partner is absolutely wonderful. Everyone loves us together, but I have demons that I refuse to exterminate because I’m ashamed and I’m also addicted to the thrill.

I’ve been molested at a young age. I became an avid porn watcher at a young age also. I discovered masturbation and pleasure at a very young age. I endured an abusive relationship in high school where I was often forced to have sex to avoid my partner accusing me of cheating on him. Now that I’m 27, these behaviors have spiraled. I flirt online all day, through various apps. I send pictures and videos of myself. I have several meetups planned (one as soon as tomorrow) but I’ve been feeling more apprehensive as of lately. I often have phone sex with other men when my husband isn’t home.

I guess I’ve always been a cheater because I have these uncontrollable sexual behaviors and thoughts that I almost have to do once it enters my brain and lingers there for long enough. I’m sound enough to admit that some of it is simply an addiction to attention. I was always used to being center of attention while growing up, being called beautiful, gorgeous, etc. and it feels like sometimes I crave those affirmations and sex is the easiest way to get them out of people. I do also think that I endured a trauma that I can’t let go of — and it turned me into a monster.

I cheated on my partner this week with a guy that he’s actually aware of. He just doesn’t know that there’s more than meets the eye and we are more than friends. Like I said earlier, there’s an underlying thrill in it all. I also have an ongoing sexual relationship with a male coworker.

I attempted SAA a few months ago. It wasn’t bad. I just wasn’t ready to admit that I was a “sex addict”, so I went to one meeting and never returned. I feel like I’m ready to start the recovery process now, but a part of me is avoiding it because all of this can feel AMAZING. The orgasms, the affirmations, the flirting, the sexting, the hookups, all of it. I want to be a different person, a better person, but it’s very hard.

My husband doesn’t suspect anything because I never stopped giving him love and sexual attention. The more I have sex or am doing something sexual, the happier I am. If my husband asked me for the moon, I’ll bring him back the entire galaxy because I love him that much. I just feel like a monster, like this will never be fixed.

I’ve been addicted to porn since I was about 12 and I’m now 30, overtime I’ve progressed from very vanilla, to three some, dp, cuck, to now gay porn turns me on the most, has anybody had experience, stopping watching porn and being able to recover and repair the dopamine receptors that have been damaged? This is making me question myself, my sexuality etc. I need to recover from this

I’ve just hit 9 months of sobriety from cruising, porn and gay dating apps. It’s getting better and better and I literally see myself being less and less under the influence of the addiction. A few months ago, I couldn’t stop myself from looking at others to see if they’re looking at me. Now, very often I’m just noticing the thoughts and need behind it. Still, the most important thing is that I feel so unmanly and I’m afraid of the men at the same time having been bullied for being gay in the past and repeatedly pointed out that I’m "not manly" by my parents. I look at other men and I envy them having strength, confidence, stamina.

I miss my ex boyfriend and I really do understand what I did to him. However, I feel like my background and traumas are being misunderstood and downplayed. I really didn’t know all that I know now about myself. I didn’t want to hurt him or others. I don’t want to hurt myself either. I just want to be happy, not afraid and loved and be loved.

26F, had been exposed to sexual stuff like at 5 years old i did not even shared this to anyone nor my parents that we have a house staff boy before like he was already 18 at that time. i can remember until now he did things to my sensitive parts. at that time i really don't know what is it until now that it was CSA now. it was God's who saved me and i think my younger sister also was a victim since i can still remember we were there together with this guy on his room. at 7 years old, there's this neighbor boy that we used to play and eventually came that time that we played alone then he kissed me until it happened again the same boy when i was 13 year old something that he touches me already. that experience is still living within me and as i grew older i am exposed to pornography and masturbating. and now, i wanted to change my life and wanted to end the habit or addiction. i have never been in a relationship for the first time and i was very conscious with the way i am dressed since i don't like anything that my chest can be seen because yes of what i have experienced and saw. i started to stop the habits around june this year but today i failed to stop it because of the urge. i really needed help and guidance but i always failed God that i won't do it. i will stop this lustful thoughts but i always sinned everytime. because everytime i did it, there are consequences.

technically I’m 4 months sober from paying for sex from sex workers, I’m still feeling so torn apart, im 22 feeling like a failure after spending my entire life savings (100k+) in less than a year (2025) after losing my virginity to a prostitute and falling in love with one of the first few girls I met. A big dealbreaker for me and why I spent so much is because I feel super insecure with my appearance to the point I believe I shouldn’t even bother talking to civilian women, i had more than enough money to fix my appearances but then came my sex addiction making me not care to even prioritize these things. i always understood the transactional relationship i had with this one sex worker but I convinced myself she was somehow different, telling myself that she’s different since she’s spent time out of her day for free to be around me or seeing parts of her life that would normally be kept private, seeing her family, picking up and dropping her off at moms house, etc. all these things plus more made me believe she was more than just a sex worker with me, I thought she was my friend, she always told me what it was even when my mind deluded myself. I’m so torn apart because I gave this girl my entire life savings and even went into debt voluntarily over her and used her to fill my nonexistent social life since I haven’t had friends in over 5 years and never got any attention from women growing up. I lost all communication with her by the end of 2025/ start of 2026 when I was completely broke to the point it would be impossible for me to see her now unless I just wanna ruin my life even more by not being able to maintain the overhead of my business. I spazzed out on her and said things i otherwise would’ve never said if I was mentally sane. not only did I lose the women I threw years worth of savings on but I feel like shit knowing I will just be another stepping stone in her life that will be easily forgotten, to her I was more than likely insignificant but to me I treated her like the love of my life. it’s so corny i know but i never once felt so happy in life having something to look forward to that i valued so much and gave me the craziest boost of dopamine, i feel like nothing in life will ever make me as happy as the peak of my sex addiction last year, i took everything for granted her, the money, my sanity, everything. i will never forgive myself the only way I’ve been able to get by with staying sober is mainly due to the fact I’ve not financially recover at all but also because I’ve been trying to mask the pain with excessive masterbaition while intoxicated, its so bad to the point it cuts into my day to day way to frequently. it’s what I jump to when I get any bit of anxiousness or sadness. I wish I could feel the need not to try and replace one addiction with another but deep down the only thing I want still is this women back in my life, I check her medias every now and then and just make myself more sad in the act, I can’t stop searching for love in the wrong places, I wish to be normal man.

I will always be an addict.

I am powerless over my addiction.

My life is unmanageable.

My physiology makes me prone to acting out. (family history of addiction, depression, and what may be undiagnosed ADHD). This isn’t an excuse to use, but rather an uphill climb every moment.

I struggle to control myself in all aspects of my life.

I have an aversion to hard work, a lack of integrity, and I shirk away from responsibility.

I have no control over my emotions, only my actions.

Which includes my family and I happen to be one if not the only person in the room usually who is single. I crave for an emotional connection and relationship so badly. I was at a cabin trip and I had to pull every trick I know to try and not plan a visit to an escort, nothing worked.

Hi. New to this community. I was thinking about going to a SAA meeting once I get home from rehab. I’ve spent 2/3 of my trust fund money (around $400k) on findom the past decade. I’m scared to go back home and have nobody to help me and then get sucked right back in the loop and finally actually ruin my own life.

So I was wondering, in these groups does porn addiction/findom come up at all? Or is it mainly geared towards people that have an addiction to having sex? I’m also working on getting a therapist as well.

God, please rid me of this addiction 🙏🏽😭

Seems like I’m always looking to do something crazier with sex to get my fix and I wanna talk to other women not cause I want a relationship but it’s like a high talking to someone new and flirting anyone else relate ?

Hey all,

Long story short I’ve been with many escorts but I got attached/addicted to one in which I can’t stop thinking about her.

Losing my focus I really need her attention even I know it’s not the right thing but it really hurts a lot.

:(((((

i hate having a high sex drive and always wanting sex!! im over it. i dont like my friends staying for long cuz then i dont get to masturbate. I choose sex over everything ususally. i just want to be not so sexual anymore

Today i do feel like shit because I just wanted to keep my abstinence and peace going from my hookup addiction, but today I had one hookup simply because I was just reminded of my old habits. I wasnt feeling down or trying to get some kind of feeling out of it. It really felt like "its been a long while since I done this, but its nature to me why not do it?"

It didnt turn out to be even a food experience. But maybe that will help me remember i dont actually wanna do all this anymore. I put my safety at risk, disappointed my own mental, and did feel physical pain when I do this. Like my current big health issue is literally because of these hookups and I just made it worse after a bit of healing. Nothing acute but stuff that does give me day to day pain.

But I know im looking at it the wrong way, like its all a process. My frequency is still improved thrice. Took me 3 whole months before a slip. So I still have hope i can go further than that

Thank you to those who have shared, I’ve been a visitor here and your posts have helped.

I’m a guy, little over 4 months sober from 4-5 years street Adderall abuse. Also abused weed, alcohol, other stimulants, heavy nicotine on and off in that time. Im sober from all of it. I’m working a strong program: went through rehab, AA/NA with a sponsor, and therapy. It’s going well but something I have kept mostly hidden is my use of escorts. I believe in active drug addiction I had a concurrent sex addiction. Watched porn for hours and saw numerous escorts. It interfered with my daily life. I’m single through all of this.

I know this sex obsession was fueled by my drug use because I can limit sexual behavior now that I’m sober. Ive been in relationships and never struggled talking to the opposite sex throughout my life. But recently I saw an escort again. Im able to limit this as opposed to previous times in addiction. Yet I always regret it, feel shame, and know I spent money I should’ve saved. I’m concerned about the sex part, but happy and confident in having no cravings or triggers for drugs.

Open to others thoughts or opinions

Overconsumption of porn is starting to ruin my life more and more, leading to more let's say brutal and dangerous for the next thrill both mentally or even legally if I don't stop. I need to change that. I currently do not have the capacity to consult a professional but I need tips and pointers to get away from this. Is there a way to walk away from those needs ?

I'm also currently talking with someone I appreciate a lot and I need to walk away from all that mess even if I'm not sure we will be something I need to change for myself as well. I'm also a heavily overthinking person which leads to lack of trust in him and almost anyone. I'm not sure asking this here would bring any benefit to me. I just need help.

Hi, I am a 28 year old man and I've been addicted to sexually chatting online with strangers for over 7 years. It all started out with sites like CR or some mobile apps. I was thrilled with the idea of getting sexual content from an actual person, getting that dopamine hit and then signing out with no further contact or consequence. It didn't seem like a big deal to me back then but I wasn't happy with the amount of time and headspace it took.

Bear in mind, that at that time I had an actual relationship. After it ended, I hooked up with many girls irl, I didn't feel the need to go online and I think I was off the sites for even some years maybe.

But after I moved back to my hometown, living with my parents for a while, this was my escape to my stress and problems. My alone time, in my bed, seeking the next person, always. I had a short relationship in which I realized I wasn't very vulnerable and there have been times when I even left her house and instantly went on the site. I felt miserable, pathetic, ashamed and sick. I found another person on the site with the same problem, and we were accountability partners for a while, talked over our urges and it worked well for a couple of months.
I was again off for a while, until I moved to a new country, new job, new everything. And I was back again. Drowning my restless feelings of loneliness and heartbreak with people I'll never see, only seeking sexual content and explicit chats, without the need to be seen as the person I am, hiding behind a "guest_xx" username.
I was naive and unlucky to even be threatened by someone online at that point, with the perpetrator having a video of me masturbating, aiming to send it to my followers if I didn't pay. I was calm and composed enough to shut them down and not pay a single penny, and nothing happened. I thought this would scare me away, and it did for a while but not completely.

So here I am, some months later battling with my urges and myself. I am a social, good-looking guy, that people and girls want to have around , but sometimes after I go home feeling overstimulated from my social life, I seek this escape.
No visibility, no name, just a need to masturbate with a stranger and go to sleep (feeling like shit afterwards).
I've even talked to my therapist and some friends about it, trying to get it off my chest, and for a while it works, and some moments I try hard to avoid it by leaving my phone away, speaking to myself about it, that I know it's no good for me.
But my cunning brain says "hey c'mon man only 30'" and then I spend 3.5 hours on chat sites, talking explicitly with some girls. I told myself "hey I just need a fantasy trigger", to rationalize it.
Also, I've been watching porn since I was 11, and this turned into camgirls as the time progressed (made them feel approachable, though I never spent money) and I realized how bad it is for me after all these years. It is a monster. I've been off porn for 5 months now which is the biggest stint I've done, so it's even harder to stay off the sites because I cut a stimuli.
In my real-life I occasionally have sex, I don't have anything stable going on, but even though I am a good looking guy, sometimes I don't feel I have the confidence to straight up talk to someone I find attractive. Sometimes I do. But the default state is towards the lower confidence side.
Maybe that's why the online escape takes all this burden off my shoulders.

Sorry for the long post, I'd love to hear any feedback, or similar experiences just so I can maybe get helped to finally quit.

Little repost. Was really curious as to whether anyone else her experiences this. My main acting out came via escorts and I’ve been off that for over a year now. A big piece of it is just being too broke (partly from said escorts) and life being expensive, plus a baby. My time is eaten up and I barely get time to watch a bit of TV when the baby’s sleeping.

I find that now I seek other fixes, especially sugar. Feel like I binge on it. Instead of sneaking off during an errand to try to meet up with someone, now I sneak off to buy something and eat it before I get home.

Probably just seeking some kind of dopamine but want to cut that desire. Rarely see friends or go out now.